| | boyfriend broke up and broke contact...won't really explain why??Page 1 of 1 | I was with a guy for 9 mos. We'd broken up a few mos ago and agreed to try working things out. We are in our late 20s, and I had issues with him making irresponsible choices with money and drinking and school and it caused a lot of friction a while back. Eventually I decided to just relax and give him his own space to grow when he's ready and mature on his own time and to do my own thing. He completely changed his life on his own...took it upon himself to say that he would work every day to make himself the man I deserve, to show me he can be what I need, to show me he can be different and strong and supportive... I just told him I loved him and supported him as well and told him he's a good man who should be proud of how much he grows every day.
Recently things were wonderful...we told each other that every time we saw each other we felt like we were falling in love all over again. I was trying to keep a little distance so we didn't move back into it too quickly...I stayed in contact and was open with all my feelings, and affectionate, but didn't stay over as often as he wanted and when I did I'd leave early the next day to work and take care of errands etc. (he agreed this was probably best) Last Saturday he mentioned maybe going to visit his best friend for the weekend at their beach house and asked if I minded and invited me along. I said no, go on and have fun, you can enjoy your space and independence. I said I'd go on and grab some lunch and do some stuff around the house and he said no, I have to help my dad at his place around 5 tonight, let's hang out for a few hours before I go. 5 comes around...he takes me to his mother's, then his father's, and asks me to ride along with him to see his family. Then he stops and gets lunch and offers to leave for his friend's even later so we could have a little picnic... He dropped me off at home, kissed me over and over again, left and actually came back to kiss me AGAIN and to make sure I got inside safe, then said he'd call me every day and be home soon and to not be sad or miss him because it was only a few days.
...2 days later I emailed him in the morning (early when I knew he'd still be asleep) to say I'd gotten a fantastic internship and he immediately responded to say, "congratulations babe, I'm so proud of you...you did a great job." 2 hours later he messages me over Facebook to say that it's probably a good idea that we not talk for a while because he doesn't think he can be the man I want him to be, that he just "takes roads" and eventually realizes he can't see the end of them, that he doesn't know if he can be "that guy in 10 years" and that I'm the most beautiful person he's ever known and that he will always love me. When I pressed him about what he meant, because it sounded so general, he just said he can't explain it but he feels like he's not the guy I need and we won't work out and it's for my benefit and he just wants me to be happy... I was respectful, and said I had no choice but to also respect his decision, but that I was hurt he'd do this after acting like things were going well...while out of town with friends...over Facebook...
Today I messaged him again and told him how much I cared for him but that I found his way of going about it to be cowardly and cruel, and very unlike him, and that I would hope he thought I deserved better. All he would say is "I have nothing else to say but that I'm so so sorry, and I can't talk about this anymore." and "All I can say is I'm sorry." I told him I hoped he could see that I deserved better, but that I loved him and I wished he could see that he didn't need to be so stubborn and think so lowly of himself, and that he'd realize he didn't need to do this...and would try and make it right. Then I decided to back away and just go NC to TRULY respect his wishes, knowing that I can't make him change his mind and I shouldn't have to.
...but I am so heartbroken I can't even put it into words. I treated him so well...he told me all the time that I did the nicest things anyone ever had. He went out of town for the week with his friends and family to the beach and I went by his apt (with his knowledge and permission) to pick some things up and cleaned the place up, bought him some food because his fridge was empty, made him some cookies he loves and left them in a little bag next to a Memorial Day "thank you for your service" note with fresh flowers and a letter about how excited I was to make things better between us every day and that he was worth every minute. I loved making him good meals, traveling with him and spending time with his family, being close and intimate with him...we'd just look at each other and feel those moments of "oh my god, I'm so in love with this person" and the other would notice the look and say, "Don't you look at me like you're falling in love with me again!" and we'd laugh and kiss each other.
He called me the love of his life, a wonderful woman, the most beautiful he'd ever known inside and out, that all he wanted was for me to be happy, that he loved every second of being around me... So what the hell happened almost literally overnight?? What does it even mean for a man to say "I don't know if I can be that guy in 10 years"?? What guy? Who said anything about 10 years? I sure didn't... And how does a guy go from being so affectionate and always keeping tabs and wanting to know what I'm up to and never wanting to let me out of his sight to just throwing his hands up, walking away, and going NC without my having even done anything to my knowledge to precipitate it?
Please offer me some insights from either side, or words or kindness, or maybe words to kick me in the pants... I am SO heartbroken. :( | |
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| boyfriend broke up and broke contact...won't really explain why??
Posted: 6/6/2012 9:12:21 PM | Wow, that is really sad. I feel for you, really do. You also put it in words so well. Hmmm, I don't know why this guy fliped a scriped on ya.
One thing did come to mind when you mentioned that you told him you got an internship, yes he said proud of ya, congrats, but it must have hit him rigth then, if not even before, that he is not the man for you. Here you are doing things very well, you cook, do for him love him, give him space. He says your beautiful person inside and out, but he realizes that he may fail, and because perhaps he loves you so, he does not want you to be disapointed by him.
So perhaps it just hit him like a tone of bricks, he feels he really could fail. Or, maybe he had a woman that lives a few hours away. I don't know, but I would not push him. I would just let him do what he's doing, whatever it is and keep doing for yourself.
Sorry this happend, this is the best I've read on this forum, as far as love an compassion for one another. | |
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| boyfriend broke up and broke contact...won't really explain why??
Posted: 6/6/2012 9:43:50 PM | | Echoing the previous post. You treated someone who has low self esteem of themselves too well. It is truly not you, but him. And he's the only one that is going to be able to turn himself around, but I wouldn't wait for it. You do deserve better. At least YOU know that. That's a start. | |
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| boyfriend broke up and broke contact...won't really explain why??
Posted: 6/6/2012 9:44:26 PM | Sounds to me like maybe during the course of your relationship that you have set up some expectations that he doesnt feel he can meet. Are you in love with HIM? Or are you in love with an idea of who he COULD BE?
I was in this position with my ex of 8 years. Through out our relationship I felt like I could never meet her expectations. It took me a long time to realize that I needed to be with someone who loves me for ME.
Im not saying the end to your relationship is your fault. All I can go on is what you have typed. But maybe the person you met was not your match to begin with.
CW | |
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| boyfriend broke up and broke contact...won't really explain why??
Posted: 6/7/2012 5:17:45 AM | When somebody's behavior suddenly becomes *that* incongruent with what they were actually telling you to your face every day, it's because there were other things (or thoughts in their head) going on that they’ve hidden from you.… that's when you get apologies + evasive/cryptic explanation.
I know the unexpectedness of it, and the lack of a real explanation, is like salt in the wound. This will probably be hard to see right now, but when people so efficiently remove themselves from your life like that they’re actually doing you a big favor.
P.S. Your posting history about this guy. All that psychodrama, drunken blacked out cheating, desperation, frailty and forgiveness.... my god you must be a glutton for punishment. Makes my head spin. Yep, this guy is no good for you. Your current feelings notwithstanding, one day you'll forget who told you that because you'll realize it for yourself. | |
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| boyfriend broke up and broke contact...won't really explain why??
Posted: 6/7/2012 8:49:22 AM | | here is a quote that might help you hun. "....."Don't make someone a priority in your life, if they only make you an option in theirs. Life is to short to have to fight for someones attention" good luck and remember this to shall pass | |
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| boyfriend broke up and broke contact...won't really explain why??
Posted: 6/7/2012 8:50:54 AM | | I doesn't really matter WHY he broke up with you, only that he has. It might have something to do with how you continually emphasize how you worked to change and improve him, which to mean screams of a demanding, conditional love type of situation. No guy likes to be with a woman who tries to change him into becoming "the man she deserves." I mean.... I'm sorry, but I seriously cringed when I read that. Also, it could be the feelings of love you were experiencing were not being reciprocated by him or were seriously clouded by the fact that you were pushing him to improve (I can't see how he would feel adequate as a man and be able to let go and freely able to love in such a situation). Just accept that it's over and move on. He will probably never explain to you his reasons, nor should you expect him to. Sometimes you have to just accept these things happen beyond your control. I would suggest in the future that you don't try to change a man. Either accept him exactly the way he is or do not accept him and leave the relationship. Trying to change someone is very unfair to that person, even if you believe you are doing them a favor. | |
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| boyfriend broke up and broke contact...won't really explain why??
Posted: 6/7/2012 9:06:25 AM | This guy did you a favor by disappearing from your life.
You were not a match. It was nothing but drama, drinking, cheating on his part, and trying to control him on yours from the very beginning.
Love feels good and makes us happy. If this felt good to you, and as if you were happy, you probably have some issues based on childhood experiences, such as abuse and/or addiction in a parent that would bear exploring.
Once you heal by working out these issues, you will find a better kind of man and love. | |
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| boyfriend broke up and broke contact...won't really explain why??
Posted: 6/7/2012 9:29:50 AM | OP, I don't know your history and what you've posted before in regards to this guy and your relationship, but here's my take on what you have posted in this thread. He won't eevr explain because he has no good reason and doesn't want to completely shut the door on your relationship without the chance of ever getting back in with some creative self-pitying fabrication down the road.
As for what happened, let me speculate and give you my impression of how it reads in between the lines. Went to my friends shore house. Met a young sweet wild thing that rocked my world and knocked my socks off and I'm riding this pony 'til I get tired. | |
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| boyfriend broke up and broke contact...won't really explain why??
Posted: 6/7/2012 10:02:02 AM | Read your own posting history with this man. You have forgiven, looked the other way, ignored and fretted over every lousy thing he did over the last 9 months. You need to get it through your head that is is hardly a perfect match. He is not ready for or interested in what you are offering.
You can treat someone like gold but if they have another agenda it does not matter. | |
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| boyfriend broke up and broke contact...won't really explain why??
Posted: 6/7/2012 12:04:41 PM | I appreciate everyone's feedback on my post. I think it is true that this is all probably for the best but I suppose the "it's not you, it's me" explanation reads more to me as "it's not me, it's you, but I don't want to add insult to injury while I dump you" and taking it personally makes it so much harder. Many people believe we don't really need "closure" at the end of a relationship but I don't agree. If I were getting fired from my job I'd want to know why so I could be a better employee at the next job, if I were being evicted from my home by a landlord I'd want to know why so I could be a better tenant in the next place. Giving no real substantive reason also causes the dumpee to blame themselves by default, to question what they could've done differently or more or better, and it's just self-inflicted torture that could be alleviated by something as simple as, "I drink way too much and I don't want to stop and I know you don't want to marry and raise children with an alcoholic." Even though it's true that logically this breakup was probably inevitable...feelings often aren't based on logic and with a little kindness and not taking a coward's way out he could've alleviated a lot of the emotional turmoil caused by confusion.
It is also true that I had expectations of him to change but I think it's unfair to put these expectations under some umbrella of not being able to "accept" him as a person. I think when you love someone you SHOULD expect something of them...to not go on vacations and to bars and restaurants when they're unemployed and put it on credit when they're already almost 100k in debt, to not spill food and drinks on the furniture and their clothes and not bother to clean it up until it spoils and turns rotten, to use basic hygiene as a part of a regular routine, to be able to limit their drinking before they become blackout and violent, to not hook up with other women when you're in a relationship, to show up to court on your court date so you don't get your license suspended... Yes, I expected him to better himself, but there are just some things about the people we love that we should NEVER accept--simply for the fact that we do love them.
Thank you all again for the feedback. | |
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| boyfriend broke up and broke contact...won't really explain why??
Posted: 6/7/2012 1:07:28 PM | I had to learn this the hard way a few years back-when someone says they are not good enough for you-BELIEVE THEM!!
People really do tell you who they are, we have to be willing to hear it.
If you manage to convince him to stay...he will go through this cycle again, and again. All the while 'warning' you that he is going to hurt you. because he already knows he is NOT the man on the inside that you need in your life. Listen to him.
As much as it hurts to turn away from someone you have grown to really care about, it is alot easier than trying to do that after kids, mortgage etc are all in the mix.
Even though it's true that logically this breakup was probably inevitable...feelings often aren't based on logic and with a little kindness and not taking a coward's way out he could've alleviated a lot of the emotional turmoil caused by confusion.
To me...this reinforces things. They way he ended things is how your life would have been if you two had gotten back together. He would have given you a life of hiding things from you...being a coward in all areas of life where normal people expect certain levels of accountability. If ever you feel soft towards this man, remember how he treated you at the end, and dont look back. How he handled your relationships end says alot about how the women in his life are going to be treated and just count your lucky stars that you will not be one of those women ever again.
Good luck!!! | |
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| boyfriend broke up and broke contact...won't really explain why??
Posted: 6/7/2012 5:11:16 PM | Hmm. I would boil all that extensively detailed prose down to a couple of essentials:
1. At the beginning, he wasn't up to snuff relative to your desires and expectations.
2. So you broke up.
3. He got upset, and decided to try to win you back, by doing stuff differently than he had.
4. He never actually reached the point where you thought he was "done," but came close enough that you were willing to wait longer. So he kept trying.
5. For reasons you don't explain, you purposely emailed him when you thought he was asleep, that you had achieved a new and higher level of accomplishment. Why it was so important to you to email him while he slept, might be significant. It might have to do with your being aware of him reacting to you less than positively at times, or in response to certain things.
6. At that moment, he suddenly replied to the effect that he was giving up trying to meet your expectations. He did not then, or later wish to discuss it further.
In my personal experience, when I find myself telling someone that I don't want to discuss something further, it is primarily because I have become convinced that nothing I tell them will make any difference.
Just as a guess, your message to him about your new opportunity, had the effect of making him feel that even as he struggled to please you, and worked to bring himself up to zero in your eyes, that you were also moving higher yourself. Thus, he lost hope he could reach any goal of equality with you, because you are a moving target.
Or, perhaps he simply recognized at that moment,something I learned a good ways back: that once someone thinks you aren't right, they never really change their minds.
It's a phenomenon I've seen over and over, in many guises:
* someone who has a reputation for being late to work, can be early, or bang on time for a decade. The first day they are late again, everyone says "you know them. Always an excuse."
* I fix machines for a living, including printers. I noticed that no matter how well the machines worked...I could fix them so well that the customer literally didn't see me for years. As soon as I came by for a maintenance visit, they said "Are you here AGAIN??? That thing NEVER works right!"
* Someone with a prejudice against someone from another culture or appearance, can directly witness countless thousands of "exceptions," and nothing but excellent, above average performances by every single member of that group who they meet. Then one day, they stumble across a single dissolute example, and they will invariably declare "Yeah, I keep telling you, they are ALL like that."
Maybe he suddenly felt as though he was one of 'those' guys in your eyes, and always will be.
Just a guess, something to consider. Maybe everyone else is right, and he's just a schlub. | |
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| boyfriend broke up and broke contact...won't really explain why??
Posted: 6/7/2012 5:53:43 PM | He liked ****ing you, but he was not in love with you. All the cookies in the world or house keeping pseudo wifely activities you do on the sly to make yourself necessary to him will not work. Don't reduce yourself to be his 'maid- in waiting'.
He can call you anything 'love of his life, beautiful, blah, blah blah' but his actions tell the story. He doesn't want you in his life, in the way you expect a man who says these things to want you in his life.
Bitter lesson. Sorry for your pain. | |
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| boyfriend broke up and broke contact...won't really explain why??
Posted: 6/8/2012 7:54:22 PM | | I dated a man for about 3 months. We had known each other casually through friends and he got divorced and found me here on POF. I didn't know his wife. He had only been divorced for less than a month when we started dating and after a couple of months things were getting pretty intense. However, he started pulling away and breakng dates saying maybe he was jumping into something so soon since he was so newly divorced. I'd been divorced for over ten years so were on totally different emotional wavelengths. I was the one that finally said it's over, but it was more a pride thing. Be the dumper before you become the dumpee. It hurt so bad when he didn't really protest much over me breaking up with him. He's never tried to contact me in the four months since all this happened, but I'm just trying to meet other people and now it hurts a little less than it did for awhile. | |
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| boyfriend broke up and broke contact...won't really explain why??
Posted: 6/9/2012 11:25:23 AM | there is nothing anyone can say because you are flat out addicted to this guy. He's a loser; an irresponsible one; and you are his enabler.
You try to make out like that is so magical when it is a total train wreck. stop acting like there are such moments of bliss when he's using you and playing you like a fiddle saying all the right things.
You need to grow up big time. At your age you should be much more mature in yourself and much more independent.
He used you. The more he used you the more you gave; you were as bad at times thinking you could buy and earn his love and respect and it didnt' work. You just got more used.
So what if he called you the love of his life. What if he said he could fly? Do you look up in the sky? When a man's actions dont equal his words, ALWAYS look at what he does.
How does a guy get so affectionate one day and then the opposite the next? Just like a lap dancer or a hooker does. He did it to get what he wanted and knew you would buy it as long as you heard what you wanted to hear.
Dump this guy and stop communicating with him in any way, or get used to pain. It's really that simple. You dont need to keep posting all these posts. The choice is yours. I hope you make the right one. | |
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