|Hardcore insecurityPage 1 of 1 |
|I went on a first date with a guy on Friday. He warned me before we went out that he'd need to know my immediate reaction to him upon meeting due to a "little bit of insecurity". None of this sitting around wondering if we're into one another and suffering through a date. I was 100% ok with that and made sure to tell him my honest thoughts (which were all positive) the moment we met. He did the same. Both of us were attracted, both seemed mentally stable, and thus the date continued. |
However, his insecurity just kept being an issue to the point where it was difficult to find time for the "getting to know you" types of conversation.
"So do you like me?"
"Are you having fun with me?"
"So you really find me attractive?"
"So if we were dating, you'd have sex with me?"
The questions went on and on and I answered them so honestly that eventually I asked him to stand up and I'd tell him my thoughts about his physique from head to toe, thinking this would reassure him. It didn't.
I know that insecurity is a norm for all of us. He really was a nice guy and fun to hang out with. But guys, do I say yes to a second date and hope the insecurity eventually fades? I've never encountered insecurity to this degree and I'm not sure if it's fixable or if I should just run now lol.
Posted: 6/11/2012 1:21:51 PM
|Maybe it is "fixable." |
Are you the "fixer," is the question?
Role reversal? I'd be outta there fast.
Posted: 6/11/2012 1:25:05 PM
|Yeah, my first instinct is to run too, but I wanted outside opinions to make sure I'm being fair and not being a b*tch. I generally think it's a bad idea to get involved with someone that you want to "fix" or "change".|
Posted: 6/11/2012 1:27:47 PM
|This guy sounds like he has issues.|
Do you really want to help him fix them?
Posted: 6/11/2012 1:31:49 PM
|I don't think I'd go out on a second date with him.|
You are right in that we are all insecure. However, if someone is that insecure with themselves I think he needs to look inside himself and see what is making him insecure & work on getting more self-confident before he tries dating.
Posted: 6/11/2012 1:31:50 PM
I know that insecurity is a norm for all of us. He really was a nice guy and fun to hang out with. But guys, do I say yes to a second date and hope the insecurity eventually fades?
that's a pretty strong endorsement, that he was nice and fun. but if you couldn't ever see yourself naked with him, there's no point in continuing.
Posted: 6/11/2012 1:33:28 PM
|Well clearly he has issues. I'm just not sure if his insecurity was because it was our "first date" or some other reason. I even asked him at the end of the date if there would come a point (if we were to date), that he'd feel assured. Then he got defensive and said he felt like I was judging him lol. So it's ok to grill me for a few hours about how awesome you are but if I have something negative to say, then I'm judging him.|
Posted: 6/11/2012 1:35:31 PM
that's a pretty strong endorsement, that he was nice and fun. but if you couldn't ever see yourself naked with him, there's no point in continuing
I could totally see myself naked with him....until he tried to kiss me goodnight and things just didn't line up or the rhythm was off or something lol. I still can't make sense of the goodnight kiss and how it almost seemed like he'd never kissed a woman.
Fine fine. I just answered my own question lol. Bad kisser + incredibly insecure = run
Posted: 6/11/2012 1:41:09 PM
|I am not sure why you would agree to meet someone who forewarned you that they're basically an insecure freak. Nevertheless, the constant need for reassurance is a sign of some serious issues. You can't fix him. If you can handle him the way he is, then good on you. I know from personal experience, I would get annoyed really fast and bail. Yes, everyone is insecure to some degree. But through normal socialization you learn to hide your insecurities and feign confidence (especially on a first date) so you don't come across as a total pathetic loser.|
Posted: 6/11/2012 1:49:35 PM
|I would of got up and left. Too needy for me. If they need a constant affirmation that they are behaving appropriately or if you want to be in their presence, then it's too needy. That's what I have my dog for.|
Posted: 6/11/2012 2:05:50 PM
|His issue is not only about insecurity, it's also about maturity. I'm assuming that he is in your age range, mid- 30's, at this age in life he should know that if he has an issue in this case 'insecurity/self esteem' he can't expect a total stranger to deal with it. At 35ish, he should have the maturity to say, "I have insecurity issue, I'm working on it (in therapy etc), and edges of it can come up while were meeting, just to let you know. It's immature to say this is how I am, you adapt to me and if you don't you are then part of the problem. I would be straight up with him, (if he asks) I am attracted to you, but I think you need to work on your security issues, I can't be the one you work this out with. Sorry, all the best.|
Posted: 6/11/2012 2:29:08 PM
|Kissing is much too important to indulge a bad kisser. Rhett Butler was right about that.|
Sounds like he might be a virgin. I met a 37 year old virgin once, he was funny so I talked to him for a while only to find out that he thought women were dirty and disguting and he was hoplessly heterosexual. Sucks to be him.
So my best guess is he is a virgin.
Posted: 6/11/2012 2:29:57 PM
|I think you should run for either one of the following 2 reasons,|
1. Apparently he has no insecurity whatsoever about asking you "So if we were dating, you'd have sex with me?". I don't see a guy that is insecure with women asking that question. I've known a few and they would have been in a panic just thinking about the question. My guess is that you found a smooth player that has found an angle for you to reveal upfront if he can get laid or not. If I am correct, I'd say run fast, very fast.
2. If he truly is that insecure, how does that insecurity translate to other activities in life ? will he ever be successful in his career if he doesn't have the confidence to speak his mind ? How will he able to protect you in situations that are to some degree threatening ? the answer would seem to be _no_ in all of these cases. Again, if I am correct, I'd say, run.
Personally, I'd bet on #1.
Posted: 6/11/2012 2:34:38 PM
|If you start off by thinking that you have to "fix" things, then you are doomed from the start. |
Compromise is one thing, but needing to fix things in order to make it work, or put up with a person, is just to much work in my mind, and there will be things later on in a relationship that will be there to talk about, think about, and make decisions about, so having to do that the very first date......is a no brainer for me......leave!
Posted: 6/11/2012 3:15:55 PM
|I went out with a guy like that from here once... sad thing was.... he was a nice guy... but he did the same thing and wanted consistent reassurance.... kept asking what I was thinking about how the date was going... if I thought he was cute... if I liked talking to him... blah blah.... |
when I got home and thought about it... he exhausted me mentally with all of his needy behavior.... he wanted to go out again... I declined... and he sent me a text saying... I guess you didn't really like me.... ugh....
Posted: 6/11/2012 3:19:29 PM
|Too tiring - that kind of constant affirmations would drain me.|
Posted: 6/11/2012 3:20:49 PM
|I'm with justlookingvt on his first reason.|
No one who is that insecure would ask this question. What if you'd said no? Or did you feel obliged to say yes because of his insecurity?
Posted: 6/11/2012 4:57:54 PM
Yeah, my first instinct is to run too, but I wanted outside opinions to make sure I'm being fair and not being a b*tch.
I once dated a guy who over complimented on the 1st date and I told myself not to be a shallow b*tch and to give another chance. It got better and then worse. Don't go on date 2.
Posted: 6/11/2012 5:04:16 PM
|I'll tell you this someone who needs constant affirmation will be an incredible drain on your mental state and your patience. It gets old quick! Don't put so much stock in how you think others will perceive you, they don't have to face having to constantly reasure someone. It's not a fun gig.|
Posted: 6/11/2012 5:31:15 PM
"So if we were dating, you'd have sex with me?"
At least he's not shy.
Apart from him admitting to some degree of insecurity, how much of it was nervousness?
Considering you like each other enough to even be entertaining the idea of going on a second date, maybe go on that date and gauge whether or not he feels more comfortable. Having another date might present you with the relaxed and feeling more secure him. If he's smart, he'd realize that there isn't anything to be insecure about...since you're back for round 2.
If it's just more of the same, then you have your answer.
Posted: 6/11/2012 5:32:28 PM
until he tried to kiss me goodnight and things just didn't line up or the rhythm was off or something lol. I still can't make sense of the goodnight kiss and how it almost seemed like he'd never kissed a woman.
Maybe he used to BE one...
I was puzzling over this description of "his" odd behaviors for a bit, then a few possibilities dawned on me...
Just be sure that you don't take a drive with him in the country to the Bates Motel to meet "mother"...