|
|
|
|
|
| | Too emotionally damaged to trust men?Page 1 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) | | I have started a new relationship with a man who is probably the nicest guy I've ever dated and he is wonderful. The dfference between him & the other men I've dated is night and day. He is so caring & pure in his intentions; he is traditional toward relationships & commitment like me. It's only been 2 months but we see each other just about everyday. Now my problem is I dated on pof for a year before meeting him and the 3 short-lived relationships I had in that time were horrible & left me scarred. I don't trust that any man is trustworthy or going to stay. I can't help it but the things these men said & did really tore apart my self esteem. I have already told my boyfriend that I dont trust men and I make jokes about him not being around much longer because he'll get sick of me, and he said well I'm not going anywhere & I'm too old to change. However I daily torment myself that I'm going to lose him and anything I'm putiing into this, giving of my heart, is going to be taken away from me. I think to myself, well how much longer will he be around? He has given me no reason to doubt him, I just can't help it, I really have problems trusting anyone is sincere or believing what they say. I was married for 18 yrs to an emotionally abusive husband who made me extremely unhappy, have been molested as a child & had an attempted rape by my best friend's husband so I just don't trust men in general. All the bad dating experiences I've had with all varieties of players has only made it worse. Has anyone else gone thru this, trying to trust someone who is so wonderful & deserving of it, but it's just so hard to get past your past hurts? I love this man & want to give him every chance, but my insecurities are eating away at me & my own thoughts sometimes leave me paralyzed in fear. How can I calm down & relax about it? (he doesn't know the extent I worry about things because I don't want him to think I'm crazy so I keep it to myself, partly because its so early also.) But he has hinted of wanting me to move in, and has told me he wants to take this relationship " as far as it can go." Things with us are moving fast & this feels different than anything I've experienced; I know its special and I don't want to ruin it with my doubts and fears... | |
|
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/11/2012 9:11:44 PM | | are you getting counseling for your abuse? you need to be the best you before you can start a deep emotional relationship. your fears (of any kind) will come to fruition if you are not under control of them. | |
|
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/11/2012 9:12:13 PM | Op,i know where you're coming from and feel your pain and all i can advise you is to NOT 'judge' this man on your past experiences and try not to live in fear that he's going to be the same as all the others.
He's a totally different individual and until such time as he gives you pause to wonder,try as hard as you can to stay positive and optimistic that he is indeed a wonderful guy.
DONT dwell on the (sad) past and embrace your new relationship with optimism and hope.
You will get much better advice from the seasoned Forumites on here when they all wake up so stay tuned 
Hugs to you. | |
|
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/11/2012 9:22:18 PM | Some therapy is a good support structure at a time like this.
You're overthinking and overfearing things and in the midst of all that aren't seeing what is right in front of you. So part of what you need to do is learn to get a stop switch for the thinking/worrying track you put yourself on.
Stand "toe to toe with really what's so". Break out or separate out what you fear and what is really happening so you can see him clearly for who is is and what he is doing.
You're in a good place to get a handle on things because you see what your fears are doing. Stopping destructive thinking is about learning new skills. Kinda sad if you allow your fear it might end to screw up the chance for it to begin. | |
|
| |
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/11/2012 9:38:22 PM | Side note: you look incredible for 44. If there is some sort of miracle cream you use, secret to life, or selling your soul involved; please let me know.
To your post: I think many women (and men. All of you can put your "omg don't make it about gender. Women do this too," pitchforks down.) from all walks of life can empathize with how you're feeling. We all come across bad eggs and relationships that second guess our judgements.
As I'm sure you're aware, the more you center your relationship and feelings about if he's just going to leave you-- well, you might just drive him to it. It's like the people who constantly accuse their SO of cheating when they're not. Eventually, some think "if I'm constantly accused of something I'm not doing, I might as well do it anyway since I'm already getting punished".
When he leaves, you'll just justify the situation for proving your assumptions correct. This will only make the cycle worse.
I've had some pretty f*cked up experiences, and deep down I don't 100% trust anyone. However, I never show it nor do I take it out on anyone that I'm involved with. It's not fair. No one should have to prove themselves worthy to anyone. Everyone has a past. If he's giving you a clear playing field, you should do the same.
Internally, don't dwell on the if he leaves, if he cheats, if he lies. So what if he does? Your relationship will end, you'll feel sad about it and eventually you'll move on. Life doesn't change. You were okay before anyone came along, and you'll be okay when they leave.
Things that should be taking up space in your mind, are your personal happiness, growth and your children. If a happy relationship comes along the way, wonderful. If not, you're still fulfilled. | |
|
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/11/2012 9:41:39 PM | | Your experiences in the past should stay in the past. Easier said than done, I know. I think it might be best to just talk about your anxiety regarding the relationship with him out in the open. If he's as great of a guy as you're making him out to be, he'll understand and make you feel more secure about how things are going. I know you said you've hinted at your insecurities to him but I mean really give full disclosure. You've already let a bunch of strangers on a forum know about it, might as well bring it up to the guy that matters. It's either that or just bottle it all up and hope it works out. | |
|
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/11/2012 9:42:37 PM | something tells me he does not know of your past. i would suggest couples therapy. plainly put... not to hurt you or make light of what your living with... but you are in a lot of hurt... and i don't feel you can explain to him your fears and past in a way that would not hurt you.
hope you make the good choices
do well | |
|
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/11/2012 9:55:16 PM | You are right I have not told him all of my past yet. We've only been together two months & I don't want to scare him off to know all I've been thru because I also fear it makes me sound like a victim & "woe is me." I'm a person who likes to handle things myself in my own way, and not let these things affect my everyday life. I have hinted some of this stuff to him, and he said he is here for me to alk to him about it anytime I want to. I said I don't want to complain or bother him with my problems, but he said I wish you would. I know I am leading up to that it is just scary to tell someone you want to love and accept you all these intimate things that make it sound like I am really f*ed up...
And yes I am really 44... | |
|
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/11/2012 10:00:43 PM | Also agree with those saying you look great for 44.
I know talking to him about it can seem daunting but my best advice is to not treat it like a big deal, even though it is. Again easier said than done. I talk to abuse victims all the time in my line of work and they usually react in line with how I'm reacting. If I ask them about the abuse in a matter of fact way they handle it better. Sit him down, tell him "I wanted to talk to you about some anxiety I've been feeling," and go from there. He'll get it. Don't try to "psyche" yourself up for it because it'll just make it seem that much more daunting. Just treat it like another conversation. Maybe it would be best if you bring it up while talking about moving in with him. "I really want to move in with you but before that I wanted to talk to you about some things that have been bothering me." That type of thing. | |
|
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/11/2012 10:08:07 PM | If you've survived the first 44 years of your life, have faith in yourself that you'll survive the next 44 years, whatever life throws at you. You are a survivor. *tips hat*
Be analytical and get things in perspective.
It sounds like, so far, you've done the typical thing of repeating patterns of abusive relationships, stemming from your formative experiences. Work out why that is. Work out the patterns of your own and other's thoughts/behaviours that has led you to be a recidivist abusee. What signals do you pick up on, or not pick up on that means you allow yourself to be under their spell, time and time again?
Do not rush this relationship. After 2 months, love is a strong word. Love takes time to develop and is different from liking someone a lot, being infatuated, or him providing you with something you want, like approval.
If you rush into this relationship, you may commit yourself with a lack of awareness of yourself, or him. If he's worth his salt, he won't mind waiting for you two to develop the emotional intimacy and communication rapport that will support your relationship through the unique difficulties that you have to face. Please don't move in with him until you trust him. Thinking that you can plow ahead with a relationship, go through all the motions and assume that trust will develop automatically at a later stage is not the cleverest idea, or one that would be fair on either of you.
If you let your need to love and be loved override everything else, its like building a house with no foundations - its going to collapse. Never ignore issues like lack of trust, never hide them by moving onto the next more exciting and distracting stage. Your relationship will collapse.
Doing things in the proper order, tackling each issue as it arises is how you build love, trust and a happy, healthy, long term relationship. You do not do it by going through the motions of making a playhouse together.
Relationship success is within YOUR control as well as your partners. Take control of your part of it. You don't have to accept someone "doing things" to you anymore, now you're a grown-up. You don't have to fear someone "doing things" to you anymore now you're a grown up. YOU can say, yes, no, or whatever it is you want to communicate and expect your communications to be respected and dealt with.
Cici, take control of your own life. You're allowed.
Edited to Add: \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Your the reason good men become jaded and players. Stop dating and get help before you hurt more 'good' men.
No.
Cici cannot have forced any men to become jaded and players, as men make their own choices about how to behave. That's not within Cici's control.
That's totally illogical and unreasonable to say that, not to mention, completely unhelpful. | |
|
| |
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/11/2012 10:16:25 PM | | EVERYONE has fears. Whether or not they seem petty to others is irrelevant. Each person's perception is their reality. I know exactly how you feel. I had trouble when I first went back onto the dating scene after being married for 9 years, which was most of my adult life. I searched the internet far and wide for tips, and how to transition into letting someone close to my heart after being hurt. I managed to find a few good ones. A few sites like http://www.datingexclusively.com and http://www.topdatingtips.com/ helped me with confidence (it gave me the confidence to join this forum and put myself out there!). I personally prefer datingexclusively since they provide great articles in their newsletters. Don't let your doubts / fears keep you from your happiness. Everyone claims to want happiness, few take the jump. (Learned that quote from Dating Exclusively, lol). I wish you the best and I know you'll make the right choice in how you move forward with him. | |
|
| |
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 12:34:16 AM |
Your the reason good men become jaded and players. Stop dating and get help before you hurt more 'good' men.
^^ Huh???
You've got that ars*ed about.
It's the men in her past who have hurt HER - Op has met a wonderful man and is hoping he's NOT like the men in her past who weren't decent and trustworthy. | |
|
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 1:05:11 AM | Where's the off switch? Stop thinking so much! Find some hobbies and try to occupy your mind. I like the idea of just enjoying the moment without being too stressed about the outcome.
He appears to be a nice guy. If you can't trust your own judgment, what do your friends say? If they think he's pretty nice too -then great! Just coast for now. Give it at least a couple more months. Work on building the relationship. Quit saying things like "... not being around much longer." Eventually, you will KNOW for sure if you can trust him. These things come to light the longer you date. As far as I can tell, you appear to be an attractive woman. If you treat others decently and the sex is pretty good,
a) the majority of men
b) most men
c) some men
d) a few men
e) all the men that I know
. . . will stick around - unless they think you are crazy.
<edit> or they are crazy!
*** Disclaimer: this is a multiple choice observation and not a generalized statement about the behavior of men. In the event that you do not agree, you are free to form your own opinions. | |
|
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 1:22:16 AM |
Your the reason good men become jaded and players. Stop dating and get help before you hurt more 'good' men.
WTH? ******palm meets forehead****** This is the most mess-up post I've read in here for days and I've read some pretty f**cked-up stuff in here lately.
You are right I have not told him all of my past yet. We've only been together two months & I don't want to scare him off to know all I've been thru because I also fear it makes me sound like a victim & "woe is me."
I really like your "I'm no victim" attitude. All too often we read in here exactly the opposite. 
I'm a person who likes to handle things myself in my own way, and not let these things affect my everyday life. I have hinted some of this stuff to him, and he said he is here for me to alk to him about it anytime I want to.
He's offered to listen, this is not what he's wanting to hear:
I said I don't want to complain or bother him with my problems,
This is what is troubling:
but he said I wish you would. I know I am leading up to that it is just scary to tell someone you want to love and accept you all these intimate things that make it sound like I am really f*ed up...
I have things in my past that I don't disclose to anyone. There's no need for me to talk about something that happened 20+++ years ago that I reconciled LONG ago. The problem OP? You're not really concealing anything because what makes you look a little messed up is all of your self-sabotaging comments and unwillingness to talk to him. You're pushing him away rather than letting him in. I have no doubt you realize this, but just reading you here, tells me that you don't feel you deserve being treated any differently than you were in the past and that is going to kill any and all of the good things you truly do deserve. I was a self-sabotager for years and years. I can tell you from experience ~ until you fix what's going on in your own head, you'll not be able to share your heart. Not completely. I opted for counseling. Over the years, I've been through a number of different types of "working on me" but two things seemed to remain constant: Like you ~ chronic "what if" thinking. What did I do? I stopped it. Second thing? I learned to "surrender." Surrender to the fact I'd made bad choices in my past. Surrendered to the fact that there are good men out there. Surrendered to the reality that I may get my heart-broken, but it would heal if that happened. Once you just stop all of the over-thinking, the negative thinking, the dwelling on the stuff that you did or feel someone did to you ~ it changes everything. Unfortunately, you and only you can fix what's wrong inside. But if you truly want to do so, you can! Good luck to ya. JMO  | |
|
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 1:43:00 AM | Take your time, as far as the moving-in. Meantime, enjoy this man.
After a year of knowing and sharing you may get a better feel.
What does he need? | |
|
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 1:45:45 AM | | Pay attention to mssg 15, Jac_the_Gripper has an insight few of us will ever know. Overcoming fear is a human beings greatest attribute, those who do it prosper in all ways, those who don't will languish in the depths of their own minds. | |
|
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 4:20:30 AM | Two months is not a long time.
For him to be discussing moving in together after such a sort period is not a good move.
You have some issues that need dealing with,
and I suggest contacting a therapist to start on them. | |
|
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 4:34:43 AM | All I will add to this very complicated situation is, a basic thing for you to ponder.
In all cases where someone finds a repeating pattern of inability to trust others, it is because they actually don't trust themselves. Specifically, they have not established within themselves, that they are ALWAYS the final authority concerning what is right or wrong, what is to be found acceptable from other people and what is not.
Many who do get abused, suffer so because they never leave behind the childhood notion that powerful authority figures are to be obeyed without question, for fear that they themselves will be found to be "defective," and will therefore be deserted.
We all need to establish ourselves as functionally independent beings in order for us to feel that we CAN say "no" to others. Counselling would not be a bad idea in general, but what you need more than anything else, if you do go that route, is to avoid having your counselor become your NEW "authority figure" who tells you what is right and wrong.
I would suggest you start with the most basic of self observations. Are you financially independent? Will you be okay in your life in a functional sense, if you do lose this guy? If so, excellent. That's the physical side of things done. As the esteemed Jac pointed out, you have already come this far intact emotionally, which should help you to recognize next, that you don't NEED this or any guy, in order for you to be a valuable entity on this planet, and for you to know that you will survive emotionally without him as well.
The final basic step, is to complete the intellectual equation from those elements, within your own mind, so that you actually can see and believe, that the reason you can choose to be WITH this guy, isn't because he's perfect, or because he is the "good authority" you've been looking for all your life, it is because YOU are the "good authority" you have been looking for, and you approve of yourself. | |
|
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 5:27:12 AM | The dfference between him & the other men I've dated is night and day.
So you have an established habit of dating men who are the exact opposite of nice and wonderful and caring with pure intentions. Ok.
It's only been 2 months but we see each other just about everyday.
You must be excited and happy. I understand.
and the 3 short-lived relationships I had in that time were horrible & left me scarred. I don't trust that any man is trustworthy or going to stay.
Since nobody actually forced you into having 3 horrible relationships, what you are really saying is that at some level you agreed to 3 horrible relationships (at least for a little while) and that you don't know how to trust your own judgment because somehow you keep agreeing to rotten stuff but you aren't quite sure how the process of consent keeps happening.
I make jokes about him not being around much longer because he'll get sick of me
Many a truth has been spoken in jest, haha???
However I daily torment myself that I'm going to lose him
Again... we have "I" and "myself"... in other words those are choices that YOU keep making like a broken record. Why do you torment yourself daily then?? Because the nice guy isn't doing you the favor of proving what you already believed about yourself just like those last 3 schmucks you dated??? I think so.... I think your self-esteem was in the toilet all along, and that's why having 3 terrible relationships plus the abusive marriage before that were not a cause but confirmation, and that's why you think this good guy you finally found is going to get sick of you, and that's why you are subconsciously driven towards a need for daily torment, even if you are only doing it to yourself.
I really have problems trusting anyone is sincere or believing what they say.
Things will always be that way until you learn to trust your own judgment and, even more importantly, have better self-esteem. You are already at least on the edge of realizing that everything you do undermines yourself, and your habitual way of thinking will also eventually undermine this good relationship that YOU SAY you want to keep... and yet your lack of self-esteem means that you almost have a requirement for this to play out the other way.... LOSS. Which again will merely be additional proof of what you already believed about yourself.
Has anyone else gone thru this
Yes. GET BETTER SELF-ESTEEM. It is at the root of all your bad relationship experiences. Good self-esteem is yours to claim, but YOU have to do it. No man can give it to you, and that's also why no man can really take it away from you.
It doesn't take counseling to get good self-esteem, but you will need it and you'll need to make the effort to get it. Otherwise you'll just continue with the perpetual pattern self-sabotage, which of course will be disguised as a joke at first. That's how it starts. You making jokes about your own failure is the camel's nose under the tent. And you'd really benefit from counseling so that you can get some good coaching and the tools you need to process that bad stuff that happened to you a long time ago. | |
|
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 5:41:53 AM | CiCi, let me first make the disclaimer that...I am a "tough" old broad, very blunt...and sometimes people interpret that as being "insensitive". Allow me to say, that what I am about to tell you, is being said in the spirit of kindness....but it sounds like you need a good "Motherly boot up your rear end". LOL! I plan to oblige.
First of all, STOP focusing on what men in the PAST have done to hurt you. And most of all...STOP expecting THIS man....whom you profess to care for deeply....to PAY the DEBTS of those men who are in the PAST.
You are quick enough to point out "their flaws", but what you have NOT done is recognize your own! YOU picked them! I could sit here all day and recount the flaws of all the men who have come and gone in MY life, but the single FACT remains....that *I* picked every single one of them. I can hardly blame my own lousy taste in men....on the men!
This man, or any other man....CANNOT give you "security". It's simply impossible. This is something that YOU must find...within yourself. And be aware...that even if you do find that sense off "security", that does NOT mean that no one else is ever going to hurt you, but it will help you to see those "hurts" in proportion to reality, rather than blowing them into insurmountable catastrophies which are a prelude to eventual abandonment.
I don't mean this to hurt you, but offer it only as some "food for thought". The picture that *I* get when people label themselves as "emotionally damaged"...is that they fully intend to USE this to manipulate me! I've had some experience with me who have claimed to be "too emotionally damaged by women" to ever trust women. I wish them well, and send them on their way. I am ME.....not "other women"...and I'll be damned if I'm going to pay the "debts" of some other woman for what SHE did. While everyone generally has some "emotional baggage" by the time they reach adulthood, we all pretty much have some "learned behaviors" to "unlearn" when going into any relationship. I find it helpful to look at it as a "growing experience" and not a "victimization".
I do wish you all the luck with your new relationship and hope that it works out for you! | |
|
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 5:51:29 AM | | Try to take it slow,.. 2 mths is so early in a relationship.. but with your experiences.. i'm sure you've learned to see the warning signs by now. ..keep your heart open.. but your eyes open even wider...don't look for things though (that might be hard to do)..just accept he might finally be the right one..let it happen... :-) | |
|
| Too emotionally damaged to trust men?
Posted: 6/12/2012 5:56:49 AM | What everybody else said.
I remember some of the stories about your other men. I remember how wonderful you told us they were, even when the writing was on the wall already.
I believe some of us mentioned therapy at the time.
You have a pattern with men that keeps repeating, which consists of you rushing into things very quickly, claiming you're in love very quickly, and thinking he's the one before you even know the man. This new man may be wonderful, and he may not. You're saying the same things about him you said about the guy last July, and now you're telling us THAT guy was horrible. The fact is, you don't know this guy, but you've already given him your heart.
You ARE being a victim, because you're blaming all your negative feelings about men and dating on their behavior. Your history shows that you've been doing this for a while.
In therapy, you would learn that your self-esteem cannot come from a man or a relationship. You would learn to be happy on your own, and then you'd know to pick better men and not blindly attach to men before getting to know them.
Once you know yourself and know the man you're with because you've taken your time in getting to know him, things will be much less scary.
But it's you who's going to have to do the work. If you don't you'll be in the same spot next year, which is also the same you were in a year ago. | |
|
|
|
|
Page
1
of
6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
|
|
Home
login 
