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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?      Home login  
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 Mila22_pelo
Joined: 5/1/2012
Msg: 1
She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I had a date with a lovely girl from POF this week. It seemed to be going really well - we had some really fun conversation and banter and there was plenty to talk about. But when I walked her back to her door I knew she wasn't ready to kiss me so I just gave her one on the cheek. I left her a message saying I had fun and wanted to meet up again. She texted saying: "It was surpringly fun, most of my dates are terrible. I would like to meet up again cos I had a laugh but as friends? I think its hard to tell after a couple of hours so I don't want to give a definate yes. I hope that makes sense." It didn't so I asked if she meant she just want to be friends and see what happens. She said she wants so get to know me as a friend at the minute.

When a girl says this does it generally mean she has concluded that she only wants you as a friend but can't be blunt about it? or is she still making her mind up? Also, when she said "its hard to tell after a couple of hours so I dont want to give a definate yes" I'm not sure what she is referring to. I wasn't asking her if she wanted to be my girlfriend. If she's not sure how she feels about me, thats what second dates are for - so why not simply agree to one?

Obviously I can't simply ask a girl if she might be attracted to me, that would be really awkward. So I was wondering if anyone has any ideas from their own experiences or instincts about whether this might go somewhere if I play my card right or has she already 'friended' me?
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 2
She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/15/2012 7:08:41 PM
There's hope for friendship but the chances of anything more are extremely remote.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 3
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She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/15/2012 7:11:35 PM
You didn't wow her on your first date.
Which is OK, as often it is simply enuff to survive it.

Now if it was me....I'd just be her friend and date others.
And maybe...in time...I could wow her down the road.

Overall, I think she is just being cautious with you.
So relax and be cautious with her.
But don't get hung up on her.
The smoother move would be to get her hung up on you.
:-)

good luck.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 4
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She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/15/2012 7:14:38 PM
She SAID she'd be interesting in going out again AS FRIENDS. What further explanation do you need? Friends is all she wants, if you're not satisfied with that, don't see her again. The chances that she'll want more later is so extremely small it's not worth mentioning. I think you should just quit seeing her, because it's SOOO obvious you want more, it would interfere with you being a decent friend.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 5
She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/15/2012 7:19:27 PM
This isn't necessarily the stereotypical friend zone scenario. I have a different take on this for reasons which I'm about to explain.

I think the fact that she said "most of my dates are terrible" is quite telling. That means she's probably gotten to the point that she doesn't trust her own judgment and therefore (based on past experience) she also expects YOU to be terrible in some way that she hasn't had a chance to discover yet. Once burned, twice shy and all that.

Go ahead and ask her out again, but let her set the pace. Be interested but accommodating. You will need to be a lil' more patient. EVEN IF she is interested in you (and I think she is), she just isn't going to want to rush into things. Smart of her to at least recognize her own limitations.


I would like to meet up again cos I had a laugh but as friends?

She wants to see if you'll respect the initial limits she's setting so that she has a lil' time & space to discern whether or not you're just like all the others. That's my interpretation. Poor gal has probably been groped by a few assholes or something.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 6
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She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/15/2012 7:29:46 PM
I get totally what motown is saying. Been there, done that more times than I'd care to admit. How that has typically played out for me is the guy is pushing it as far as what he wants, IE is not really being a male "friend".

I think if he does see her again, he should ACT like he is her friend, BE her friend. In my experience, when a guy wants something else, that's not just difficult but also nearly impossible. That's how I responded the way I did, and when that happens, the "girl" feels pressured for "more" and it...well not a happy ending.

So, OP, if you can handle that, then go ahead. If you don't feel you can be genuine and be her friend, you'd be better off finding someone else.
 Lionesse19
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 7
She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/15/2012 7:40:29 PM
I agree with Mementomori.

She may have others on the string and has not made up her mind about you. However she just may not be into you for whatever reason. I also would not be paying for any outings if she has friendzoned you and it seems she has.
That hardly ever changes no matter what amount of time goes by but we cant really say as we are not you.
So if you hang out with her hoping she changes her mind, then do so but let her pay her way.
 Mila22_pelo
Joined: 5/1/2012
Msg: 8
She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/15/2012 7:42:12 PM
I appreciate the advice. Yeah, I get the feeling she is very cautious and doesn't know what to think at this time. Maybe she will eventually like me, who knows? I asked for a second date, which isn't exactly a big step - but she needed to stress that it was too soon to tell. She acted like I was asking for a committed relationship already.
I agree I should let things happen slowly and see if it goes anywhere or not.
 smarternudumbernmost
Joined: 5/25/2012
Msg: 9
She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/15/2012 7:44:18 PM

When a girl says this does it generally mean she has concluded that she only wants you as a friend but can't be blunt about it?

No.
It means she has already set limitations on your behavior that she wants you to live up to.


Also, when she said "its hard to tell after a couple of hours so I dont want to give a definate yes" I'm not sure what she is referring to.

You didn't sweep her away.
You didn't blow her skirt up.
You didn't give her butterflies.


If she's not sure how she feels about me, thats what second dates are for - so why not simply agree to one?

Because she doesn't want to do the whole progression things.
First date awkward kiss or hug.
Second date kiss.
Third date makeout and/or possibly sex.
She just wants to go out and have a laugh with you. She wants you on the other side of the table and just want to laugh, have fun, and not think about dating, or progressing.


So I was wondering if anyone has any ideas from their own experiences or instincts about whether this might go somewhere if I play my card right or has she already 'friended' me?

It will always go somewhere.
Where do you want it to go?
How long are you willing to wait?
Will you see it as waiting or just enjoying each others company?
Are you willing to give up complete control over everything based on her wanting you to be her friend, according to her whims that may or may not change?
How do you think you will feel in 3 months if she says "we've just become too good of friends, I don't want to ruin what we have. Oh by the way, I have this date tomorrow with this really hot guy. Let me get your advice on him."
 SmartSarcasticSweet
Joined: 4/15/2012
Msg: 10
She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/15/2012 8:00:29 PM
Women/people in general tend to know fairly quickley (by that I mean within the first 10 or so minutes) if there is a possibility of pursuing something with someone. That being said, there is always the exception, so give it a go. But if she is still friend zoning you after the second date, cut your losses. IMO anyways...
 Abbbey12345
Joined: 5/22/2012
Msg: 11
She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/15/2012 8:01:16 PM
Move on. You are in the friend zone and that is where you will stay. Devote your energy to someone that sees you as boyfriend material as you deserve to be treated like a desirable man not a girlfriend.
 Boricua Papi
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 12
She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/15/2012 8:06:25 PM
You can take that "friend zone" out with a very smart and strong move. Self confidence, a little bit of bad boy and strong character. Work on your appearance and clothes. Go for it, talk to her and for God's sake grab her chin and KISS HER!
 metsjets7732
Joined: 1/11/2009
Msg: 13
She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/15/2012 8:14:25 PM
I've told a lot of girls I only wanted to be friends, cause I wasn't attracted to them physically. Many have told me the same. At best, tell her "sure we can be friends". Don't call her or text, let her do the work/effort. Maybe 1 day she gets dumped/horny/lonely.....and calls u....bINGO!!!P
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 14
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She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/15/2012 8:23:05 PM
"You can take that "friend zone" out with a very smart and strong move. Self confidence, a little bit of bad boy and strong character. Work on your appearance and clothes. Go for it, talk to her and for God's sake grab her chin and KISS HER!" This is the BEST advice for guaranteeing she'll never have any contact with you again. You don't GRAB a woman's chin? That's an idiot move, at best and totally inappropriate. Just proof you have little experience with women...ugh.
 RadiantSpirit
Joined: 6/18/2011
Msg: 15
She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/16/2012 4:41:57 AM
There is hope, but not much. It means she isn't physically attracted to you but it possibly could grow.
 Tristle
Joined: 9/11/2010
Msg: 16
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She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/16/2012 5:19:55 AM
there are alot of possibilities why she "behaved" this way. but it sounds like she likes you definitely. some chicks can turn out to be great friends indeed, so I'd be inclined if I were in your situation, to take her up on this. she may be able to introduce you to some of her female friends and things like that. You look to be a pretty young fellow. try not to focus too much on her or try to control the situation to develop into a gf one. so, if you can do that, I'd suggest continuing on as a friend for the moment with this young lady.
 _Iconoclast_
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 17
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She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/16/2012 5:26:54 AM
Why dont you just go on a second date and see?
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 18
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She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/16/2012 5:39:12 AM
It's not hard to tell after spending time with someone for a couple of hours. You either feel an attraction or you don't & clearly she don't. You have no cards to play if sent to the friend zone after a single date. No sense chasing your tail if romance is what you seek. Move on.
 chattykathie413
Joined: 5/14/2012
Msg: 19
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She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/16/2012 6:15:55 AM
I had a conversation with a friend about this very topic. In "real world dating" there is a natural progression that doesn't take place in the online world of dating. Usually, you get to know someone at work, in a group of friends or during a marathon conversation at a party. THAT is where the first meeting usually takes place. It's often an unexpected chance meeting that leaves you wondering, could this guy/girl be for me? In online dating, you have to set up that first meeting and both parties enter with some amount of pressure on them.

When I say "friends first" I am NOT saying there is no chance for future dating. I'm just trying to take the pressure off. I'm trying to create an atmosphere where we can cultivate something that can easily turn into more without labeling us as a potential couple.

If she said to you that she would be interested in seeing you again as friends for now, she's saying she's still interested in getting to know you better. Otherwise, she would say no more meetings. If you want more insight into what she means or what her intentions are, don't communicate through texting. Have an actual conversation with her. Ask her if she's comfortable explaining it further. Be careful not to put more pressure than that on the topic. Too much too fast can drive a person away.
 amialex
Joined: 8/23/2011
Msg: 20
She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/16/2012 6:29:36 AM
I'm generally a fan of communications but in this case maybe it was a little much?

She said it went well & she'd see you again but also played it down not promising anything - you pushed for clarification & she played it even more down

Doesn't necessarilly mean any more than she's cautious - my advice at the end of the next date ask her for another so you get body language with the discussion it helps understanding & keep showing you're interested she needs to be clear on that.

Good luck
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 21
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She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/16/2012 11:31:32 AM
There might be some hope, but I wouldn't waste a lot of time, either. If there's no lip action by the end of the third date...there's a signpost up ahead...you've crossed over into...the Friend Zone.
 andris24
Joined: 5/13/2012
Msg: 22
She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/16/2012 1:34:32 PM
Sorry to burst your bubble dude but this is not going to end well for you if you have hope of anything more than friendship. A girl who is interested in you will take the lets go on a few dates and see how things work out approach. She has already told you that she just wants to be friends, so consider yourself in the "Friend Zone". If you think she is a cool girl and you won't mind being friends with her then you should be honest with yourself and stop pressuring her for a relationship.
 Boricua Papi
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 23
She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/16/2012 3:41:44 PM
bucsgirl

My advice was for a fellow man, not for you. Men and women think different. I used a little sarcasm in my advice, I'm writing to a grown up guy who can see what I'm talking about.
 chattykathie413
Joined: 5/14/2012
Msg: 24
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She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/16/2012 4:58:55 PM
Nope Boricua, you're back pedaling now. It was bad advice
 helpmeahhh
Joined: 10/25/2011
Msg: 25
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She just wants to be friends for now. Is there hope?
Posted: 6/16/2012 5:26:45 PM
I've been friendzoned before and they always said 'I had a good time' but they never asked for a second date. Go out again, see what happens. If nothing keep her as a facebook friend or something; odds are she has female friends who could be into you.
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