| | Do you let your ex-bf control you this way?...Page 1 of 1 | For some, when a relationship is over its over.
For others there is a different dynamic. If person A dumps person B, person A still has the power to rekindle the relationship. Person B often tells themself that they've moved on and whatnot but they're lying to themselves, if person A came back to them wanting to start anew then person B's resolve would melt away and they would take them back. They might make them work for it, but the outcome is inevitable.
It works for both genders but for this topic, person A is the guy in the relationship.
Here is a scenario that I see played out a lot:
The guy dumps you. You cry for a while then tell yourself you're over him. You're alone and miserable for a time but then you find someone new and things are great again.
But then the guy that dumped you sees that you're not miserable and alone anymore, now you're with somebody. He still has power over you and uses it in the worst way - he comes back to you, pretends he cares for you, and utterly destroys your new relationship. Then he gets tired of you after a while, breaks up with you again, says its your fault and you might even believe it, and then leaves you alone and miserable again.
So does your ex have the power to do this to you?
Do you think I'm full of crap and this scenario actually never happens?
Do you agree that this does happen, but women are powerless against it because love is a powerful thing? | |
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| Do you let your ex-bf control you this way?...
Posted: 6/16/2012 6:33:05 PM | No
No
Yes, no of course not.
It's not only men that do this, women do it to, and both have it done to them.
Is the reason people are susceptible to a returning lover because love is a powerful thing? No. It's because they have no will power/self control/self esteem/maturity etc. | |
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| Do you let your ex-bf control you this way?...
Posted: 6/16/2012 6:42:16 PM | I'm a huge proponent of a clean break. I've always been the one to initiate it, but that's not really an issue IMO. As of right now, I've had NO contact with any exes in years. I did the "let's meet for a drink as friends" but that usually ends up after a little small talk as a ploy to try to talk me into getting back with them. That only happens once, I have no problem getting up and walking out.
Noone exerts control over anyone else unless that person allows them to. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. An ex can exert influence, but control? Never. If someone's trying to sell you that bill of goods it's because she enjoys it, likes the attention, has some perverse need to BE controlled, there is no legit reason to let someone control you if it's not what you allow.
If this is the type of women you find yourself dating, then you may think about adjusting your "picker". What is it that makes this type of women attracted to you or attractive to you? | |
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| Do you let your ex-bf control you this way?...
Posted: 6/16/2012 7:26:36 PM |
For some, when a relationship is over its over. And for some, they feel a bit deeper than if they had just thrown out an empty bag of chips. Ready for the next instantaneously..
So does your ex have the power to do this to you? I'm usually the dumper as opposed to the dumpee.. but I have taken back an ex in the past. Obviously it hasn't turned out well since I am single.. but sometimes I needed it for closure and in that sense it wasn't a total waste.
he comes back to you, pretends he cares for you, and utterly destroys your new relationship. Then he gets tired of you after a while, breaks up with you again, says its your fault and you might even believe it, and then leaves you alone and miserable again. I've never had that scenario before, no. | |
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| Do you let your ex-bf control you this way?...
Posted: 6/16/2012 7:35:42 PM | "Love is a powerful thing. The only way to really get over someone is to have an even more powerful love for someone else. : /" Respectfully I couldn't fully disagree more. What you're describing is the cling theory of monkeys. They don't let GO of one branch until they have a firm grasp on another. There are also cliches...frying pan into the fire. Thing is there is a grain of knowledge. You don't replace a love with another love. More powerful? This has all the hallmarks of a rebound. So when would you have the chance for a learning curve, when you're looking to replace the current "luv" with a better, more powerful one? I feel sorry for your current, knowing that you're not going to leave him until you find the next.
There's a lot to be said of letting go and walking away if what you have isn't satisfying or fulfilling, AND you've communicated that and done everything you can to try and make it work. Sometimes you just have to come to the realization it's not right, and there's nothing either one of you can do. It's the best thing for both of you, to be able to free yourselves for the potential to find someone where you'll BOTH be happier.
What you describe sounds like a possible reality show....ugh...then again Springer is still on. | |
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| Do you let your ex-bf control you this way?...
Posted: 6/16/2012 8:02:10 PM |
bucsgirl: What is it that makes this type of women attracted to you or attractive to you? This type of woman is most decidedly not attractive to me, but the problem is that it can be difficult or impossible to know how the feelings that the person holds for their ex. Whether or not a person is still hung up on their ex they rarely admit it to any potential dates for obvious reasons, so how's a guy (or girl) to know?
rockondon:For some, when a relationship is over its over. shakti: And for some, they feel a bit deeper than if they had just thrown out an empty bag of chips. Ready for the next instantaneously.. | |
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| Do you let your ex-bf control you this way?...
Posted: 6/16/2012 8:33:49 PM | Op,not everyone goes back to their exes.
I never have.
But i do understand what you're saying and sadly **some** people are easily manipulated.
Sorry if this has happened to you recently? | |
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| Do you let your ex-bf control you this way?...
Posted: 6/16/2012 8:42:02 PM |
Have I implied that accepting the end of a relationship is an easy thing? Or that the burden of heartbreak is so untroublesome that the ability to move on afterward is instantaneous? If I have, please tell me what I said that gave this impression so that I can avoid making a similar mistake in the future. Actually you have.. but it transcends this thread.
Enjoy your little vent :) | |
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| Do you let your ex-bf control you this way?...
Posted: 6/16/2012 9:56:00 PM | Married couples owe it to each other to work things out, depending on what the issue is. Cheating is out of the question and so is physical abuse. However, OP, the things you mentioned was something that I was actually involved in----I was the enabler. Now? I don't enable anyone.
No one is powerless. Eventually, the person that seemed to have lost their power will get it back and keep it moving. | |
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| Do you let your ex-bf control you this way?...
Posted: 6/17/2012 12:03:01 AM |
But then the guy that dumped you sees that you're not miserable and alone anymore, now you're with somebody. He still has power over you and uses it in the worst way - he comes back to you, pretends he cares for you, and utterly destroys your new relationship.
I would never allow that to happen, and neither would my new man. My exes have no power over me.
Do you agree that this does happen, but women are powerless against it because love is a powerful thing?
I’m sure in Melodrama Land this happens a lot, but NO I don’t believe it’s because ‘love is a powerful thing’…it’s because DRAMA is such a powerful thing. | |
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| Do you let your ex-bf control you this way?...
Posted: 6/17/2012 4:46:20 AM | | Depends on whether one's ex is still on the scene. My ex isn't. I have no contact at all with him, and that's the way I like it. If he tried anything at all like the scenario you've described, I'd just tell him he was irrelevant to me, and that would be that. | |
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| Do you let your ex-bf control you this way?...
Posted: 6/17/2012 5:12:58 AM | Years ago I was madly in love with this guy. He broke up with me. I was devastated..but tried to move on. He started seeing someone else and so did I...but I was never really over him.
Two years later he did come back to me and I dumped the guy I was seeing to go back to him because I was never really over him. And the guy I was involved with just wasn't doing it for me. I just wasn't that into him...event tho' I tried. Just couldn't get the ex out of my head or heart.
We lasted 5 years after that and then I left him because I realized he was a narcissistic jackass. Now I can truly say...I would not let him interfere with a new relationship because I am over him. And even if I wasn't in a relationship, I would not go back to him should he try to return...because...I am OVER him. Soooo........
When it's over....it's over. So an ex will have power over you if you're still in love or infatuated with him regardless if you're in another relationship. That's how I am anyways. Some women stick to their guns and don't go back...but like they say...love is a powerful thing. | |
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| Do you let your ex-bf control you this way?...
Posted: 6/17/2012 5:34:17 AM |
So does your ex have the power to do this to you?
Do you think I'm full of crap and this scenario actually never happens?
Do you agree that this does happen, but women are powerless against it because love is a powerful thing?
My ex has no power over me or my life. That changed the moment he became my ex.
I do think this scenario sometimes happens but it doesn't apply to just one gender and it's normally only applicable to a certain mind-set until they truly are over the relationship. Once anyone gets to the stage of indifference, the scenario can not longer happen.
No body is powerless against anything. Sometimes, individuals may think they are but that's only because they aren't yet ready to change the situation. | |
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| Do you let your ex-bf control you this way?...
Posted: 6/17/2012 8:22:37 AM |
No
No
Yes, no of course not.
It's not only men that do this, women do it to, and both have it done to them.
No one is powerless against the returning affection of the previously adored. If someone does not recognize that person A is bad for them, that they in fact regardless of who broke up are blissfully happy and better off without A, they are susceptible to the person's advances because person B continues to willingly give them that power.
Person B is not vulnerable when he/she decides not to be vulnerable. Emotional equivalent of really taking the mask off, regardless of who constructed it and continued to apply coats of paint over the years. New layers of charm no longer have a surface to adhere to. | |
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| Do you let your ex-bf control you this way?...
Posted: 6/17/2012 11:40:28 PM | Thanks for your input so far everybody!
Another question: How can we identify when someone is still hooked on their ex, despite the fact that they claim that they're over them? | |
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| Do you let your ex-bf control you this way?...
Posted: 6/18/2012 10:20:08 AM | Thanks for your input so far everybody!
Another question: How can we identify when someone is still hooked on their ex, despite the fact that they claim that they're over them?
They keep talking about them, the past, and they speak negatively about their ex. Do I ever talk about my ex? Sure, every NOW and THEN...but not every day or every other day. I no longer refer to my ex by calling him ugly names like I used to. I was still angry. But now I could care less. It was a blessing.
Like one poster stated....the opposite of LOVE is not HATE...it is called INDIFFERENCE. When you get to that stage of indifference you JUST .....DON'T.....CARE....what the ex is doing, who they're seeing, what they did to you, etc.
That's my take on it anyway. | |
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