|Single Mothers.Page 1 of 1 |
|Does the idea of dating a single mother make you men uncomfortable? If so, why? I am just curious because men who ai know wont ever give me a real honest answer and the females I know tend to make excuses for it, like, 'Oh, he's just intimidated'. A short sweet question, but I am just wondering.|
Posted: 6/19/2012 8:40:47 AM
|Hey Maggie, |
First off, very weird but you are from the town right next to the one I grew up in NJ (I'm from Brick). Small world!!
But from talking to my friends, many men around our age just don't want the added responsibility of caring for a child right now & feel like it will severely limit the activities you can do together early on in dating. In addition, I know from talking about this subject recently to a large group, both male and female, that many of them feel that they would not be able to love the child the same because it is not theirs. Another fear I have heard is that all of your love & care will go towards your newborn child, not toward your new mate. Finally, and I think this may be the BIGGEST deterrent, is that your potential mates fear "baby-daddy drama", and I know myself, this is the only one of the above mentioned problems that actually applies to me. I, personally, would have no problem dating someone with a child, as long as I knew that things were smooth and amicable between the mother I would be dating, and the baby's father. Trust me, I have seen some UGLY stuff in the past go down and the guy/girl the parents were now dating would often get caught up.
Posted: 6/19/2012 8:47:42 AM
|My dear.....You are only 23 years old, and with a child or two, and the potential for many more over the next 10 years if you do not change your habits, so, yes many might be thinking twice about long term with you, having to raise your children, and maybe you having more, even if they do not want that.|
I have dated many women over the years, and many of them had children, but all knew that our connection was with them, and I was not there to be a father to their children, or have more, and if that is what they were looking for, then they needed to continue with their search. This is not being mean or selfish, just realistic that I raised my child, and am happy with that and not to do it again, and I also waited until I was older and not in my 20's to have a child.
I think OP, that you should make sure that the father of your children is in the picture for his kids, and supporting them in every way that a father should, and you should concentrate on you and your dates, keeping the two separated....
Posted: 6/19/2012 8:52:56 AM
|To CD: I have one daughter, and her father is very much in her life (granted its only once every other week, he just works a lot). I am not planning on having anymore for a long while until I have my career established and am totally independent. I guess some men don't realize that and it can give men a false idea of me but I just have to take the good with the bad, if that is the case. I guess what men don't seem to realize is if you have a child it doesn't mean you are easy to give it up. I mewn in my 23 years of life I have only had a whopping 3 partners. Sorry for my life story, it just seems to be a growing trend that men think i'm easy because I have a child.|
Posted: 6/19/2012 8:57:43 AM
|Jesse everything you said is 100% valid thank you for your input.|
Posted: 6/19/2012 9:10:08 AM
|No, the kids don't make me uncomfortable. If she has a crazy, violent ex, that's a different story.|
Posted: 6/19/2012 9:11:37 AM
|Being a parent is a full time job, being a single parent is doubly worse in that regard. For most guys who are looking to date, the added responsibility of a child can be too much to accept - and that's disregarding the financial/religious factors as well.|
Edit: Jets? Pffft.
Posted: 6/19/2012 9:39:26 AM
|I have no desire to have children of my own.. and have less of a desire to deal with someone elses.|
Your kid is seen as a complication.
JesseK732 detailed this well.
Posted: 6/19/2012 9:42:49 AM
Does the idea of dating a single mother make you men uncomfortable?
kids were not a dealbreaker when i was younger. that changed after i dated a few women with them. unencumbered women have more time, energy and disposable income, so they're better prospects.
as far as being in a rush to settle into domestic drudgery, few men your age want that. you'd be struggling to find that even if you didn't have a kid.
I guess what men don't seem to realize is if you have a child it doesn't mean you are easy to give it up.
i guess what you don't seem to realize is every guy you ever date - whether a dirtbag, or a man of integrity and character - is going to want to have sex with you, and so will put moves on you. we come with libido as standard equipment. the absence or presence of your kid is irrelevant to that.
Posted: 6/19/2012 9:54:37 AM
|To be direct yes, I'm not comfortable with dating someone with a child. I've tried it before and it doesn't work for me. Here is why;|
The first reason for this is that raising a child is a large responsibility and let's be honest. If I date someone with a child and it develops into something serious and long-term I will have to shoulder the responsibility of helping to properly raise and take care of it. A lot of women try to deny this, but the reality is you're going to end up doing at least some part-time parenting, and more if it develops much further down. At my age, it's just not something I want to have to deal with.
The second reason is that the child always comes first. This is completely reasonable and understandable, but it's frustrating for the other party. If the child needs anything, wants anything, all bets are off. It's all about the child. A lot of kids (young and older) will become jealous and clingy and even play games for attention when they see mommy's attention is divided between them and the new guy.
We're not intimidated, we're just not going to waste your time. I'm sure you can find someone who is willing to deal, but you're going to have to be patient. It'll be worth it.
Posted: 6/19/2012 10:05:23 AM
|You have all hit the nail on the head. I am the typical single mom it is extremely difficult to balance both things. Which is why I am on here.for strictly a friendship with potential, really nothing more. Thank you for answering honestly although it is hard to hear It makes it easier to see why things rarely work out.|
Posted: 6/19/2012 11:48:44 AM
|If you are very young single mother yes most guys may not be open to dating. It is assumed you have responsibilities to a young child and most guys around your age are not married or have children, so they are still in the party mode of their lives.|
Posted: 6/19/2012 12:17:53 PM
|i agree with this post . i really think it dpends on the childs age and how the mother is . i notice men like child in their teens . becaosue they dont have to worry alot about them . but like newport said . it really dpends on if the person has stability . its like guys with kids . if a guy does not treat his own children good or has alot of drama momma . who wants that . the advice is to just focus on your kids and just date but dont mix the kids until you feel the guy is cool with it . i would not bring kids in the picture until you are serious .....kids come in the picture when they are not rushed . plus its not good for the kids to see alot of different people coming in and out of their life .and if the child is old enough you can explain something to them on their level|
Posted: 6/19/2012 1:17:19 PM
|Because at my age, being a single mother screams irresponsible & got knocked up by some stud. Also many aren't after the guys but their paychecks.|
Posted: 6/19/2012 1:50:29 PM
|Couple reasons I can think off the top of my head.|
The woman has less freedom to come and go so its a huge effort to even go out.
You sometimes have to deal with the baby's daddy who is usually not very welcomeing
Extra responsibility and pressure to be a part of the child's life
Perhaps the guy wants his own kids and doesn't wanna adopt anothers
I don't think anyone is intimidated they just want what they want. A girl with children is not a deal breaker for me but for some it is
Posted: 6/19/2012 2:17:07 PM
|"Does the idea of dating a single mother make you men uncomfortable?"|
No. In terms of dating as opposed to becoming involved with a woman
with children in my social circle, the child is a source of weakness in
the woman's negotiating position: she lacks freedom in may ways,
she has financial responsibilities childless women don't, and she
may have an ongoing conflict with the child's father. If the woman
can acknowledge the weakness of her position and offer other
traits to balance it out, then it can be good. If she insists that
"she's all that" despite the considerable baggage, she may be
not worth the hassle compared to a less-encumbered woman of
similar high self-regard.
Posted: 6/19/2012 2:29:50 PM
|I personally don't do it because I know how much time is dedicated to being a single mother, and I like to take random trips and certain things without planning. Knowing my S/O couldn't do that feels like it wouldn't be fair to either one of us so that's my personal reason for not dating a single mother.|
Posted: 6/19/2012 2:35:53 PM
|I'd be OK with going out with a single mom IF she had her life together enough where she had time for her to go out and have some "adult time." Too often, the cell phone rings 5 minutes into the "date." Either the ex or the kids. That is, if she found the time and didn't have to re-schedule 10 times. Definitely easier dating women without kids.|