| | Need some advice.Page 1 of 1 | Hey all
So i've been very good friends with this girl i've had my eye on for years. I've always thought there was nothing on her end and I was ok with that. For once I was happy and content being in the friendzone. Skip ahead to the present, and her and I have had alot of serious heart to hearts about us. To my amazement I found out that any feelings I had for her were definately mutual, so we decided to go ahead and give it a shot. Things started off with a BANG! all I gotta say is WOW!
Well her ex found out, and lets just say things got a tad... violent.
Ever since than she has withdrawn completely, from me, everybody. She barely talks to me now, wont let me get close to her and our visits of 2-3 times a week have turned into nothing. I barely hear from her now. When we do talk its usually beating around the bush small talk, she completely avoids the subject of what happened between her and him. and Anything to do with us.
So what do I do? Do I step back and just give her the space and time she needs? I have been doing that, its just frustrating when i feel guilty and terrible cuz what happened was because of me. I feel obligated to be there for her however she wont let me.
So my questions are, what Do I do?
And Whats possibly going through her head?
My guesses are i should step back and give her space and time. And whats possibly going through her head is maybe she just needs to sit back, gather herself and get things sorted out. myself included? | |
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| Need some advice.
Posted: 6/21/2012 1:37:57 PM | things got a tad... violent.
Who was violent and toward whom?
Why did they break up? | |
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Posted: 6/21/2012 3:27:15 PM | | What happened was not because of you. It happened because her ex is a pycho that can't let go and would have happened regardless of the guy she is seeing. Unless of course you started a fight with him then ignore what I just said. | |
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Posted: 6/21/2012 3:34:07 PM | Sounds like her ex is a controlling jerk, was he violent towards her? and she is still in love with the guy
step back and give her space, if you can act like nothin happened between you she might be comfortable later on talking about it. | |
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Posted: 6/21/2012 3:37:40 PM | OP... wish I could advise you but there was so many holes in what you said backgroundwise; just can say really sorry that it happened, (though don't know who was teh violence recipient; though I'm assuming it was her)
I maybe am slightly worried having heard too many horror stories; but if she was recipient of violence by a psychopath ex and has since fully isolated herself (is she isolated WITH him or is she isolated on her own fearing for her safety?)
So the maybe ridiculous part of me wonders if someone in her life needs to know what happened who can keep an eye on her just in case... having her isolated and totally in his power IF that is the c ase, scares me a lot; people die in those situations.
In terms of you reaching out to her yourself, maybe let her know just once you are there, pulling for her or praying for her or whatever it is you are feeling; and le her know you are available if or when she wants you so she doesn't have the bridge she's trying to burn be burned. If you are a lifeline, she will know she can reach out to you.
But I would seriously talk to someone close to her so they can keep tabs; because if I AM understanding yours correctly (which I might not be, it's granted) I fear for her safety; and there is nothing worse than someone who is fully at risk being utterly isolated from everyone, and totally at someone's mercy who has already shown incredible violence; especially when the result of that violence is meek complete self isolation from those who care.
Please be careful yourself too. | |
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Posted: 6/21/2012 6:11:37 PM | I should have been more clear, he was definately violent towards her. And I in no way antagonized him or instigated this. the only reason it happened is because he found out about me.
@moonbeam
You hit the nail on the head, I fear for her safety as well. She in no way isolated herself with him, he is still out on his own. Im guessing she is just isolating herself out of fear. I am keeping an eye on her the best I can, and her neighbours are all looking after her which gives me peace of mind. However she's just flatout refused any offers of my help (and no i'm not talking about finding him and... yeah you know that would only antagonize him further and put her in even more jeapordy). | |
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Posted: 6/21/2012 6:15:22 PM | So, if he was violent against her, I'm assuming the police is involved and she, at the very least has a restraining order against him.
I'm sure you're doing the right thing staying away from this situation. | |
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Posted: 6/21/2012 6:21:37 PM | Do you love her? Probably not...it is too soon for love but..maybe you do.
If so, ask her to leave the city with you...start a new adventure together....wth | |
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| Need some advice.
Posted: 6/21/2012 6:22:15 PM | So they broke up because he is a violent person?
I hope she got a restraining order.
If she didn't, then I wouldn't recommend pairing up again since this would suggest a person who does not think highly enough of herself to be in a healthy partnership.
I don't mean to suggest that you and others shouldn't do everything in your power to protect her, but she needs to take part in that self protection too.
Good luck. | |
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Posted: 6/21/2012 7:06:16 PM | Whats possibly going through her head?
What's possibly going through YOUR head? The big one, not the little one masquerading as your feelings?
If things got a little violent with her, things could get a little violent with YOU. Is it worth it? | |
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Posted: 6/21/2012 7:52:03 PM | The best thing u can do is not ignore the fact that her ex beat her! She needs help and she's not gonna go asking for it! Women just do not ask for help I don't know why. I think as a friend or even more than a friend, u need to talk to her and tell her that if she needs help she can come to u. Tell her she's not alone and that ur there for her. Worst case, u round up a bunch of buddies and beat the living shiet out of her ex for ever laying his filthy hands on a woman and teach him how it feels to be receiving end of a fist!
Sorry if my advice is a bit out there but I don't condone violence in a relationship! | |
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Posted: 6/22/2012 2:57:12 PM | I walked away.
She definately did not go to the police and flatout refuses to do so. Nor will she allow me or anybody to go after him. She is protecting him and justifying it all saying "cuz he's the father of my kid". I cant be in a relationship with a violent ex when my hands are tied. I was told if I go after him her and I are done and she will see to it that there is hell to pay for me.
Not worth it anymore. and her actions are louder than words! Sucks, buts life moves on. | |
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Posted: 6/22/2012 3:19:24 PM | i'm really sorry OP.
There is nothing worse than watching someone protect an abuser, for whatever reason. I have someone I have known for years who looks on me with pity because I am divorced; she is wife to a drug using abuser who sleeps around and she is working crazy long hours and trying to show her sons how to be men when the example in front of them is everything she is trying to teach them NOT to do... she calls the police when he beats her, then gets mad when they take a long time to shwo up; when it's the two dozenth time they've shown up and she refuses to press charges; or she locks him out of the house and then gives him a key and then turns him in for trespassing?
People in those situations don't think clearly; they are in survival mode. And sometimes they do dumb things to survive that are incredibly frustrating to watch; but if she doesn't want your help; then there is nothing you can do.
I am relaly really sorry; it sounds like she meant a lot to you and I am sure she is probably doing what she thinks will have the least amount of people hurt. He probably threatened YOU if she stayed with you or called the police for all we know. PEople who are bullies go after people's vulnerabilities; he could threaten kidnapping or harm to her child or you or her; we don't know what goes on behind closed doors when someone is that brutal.
But I'm sorry it happened, I'm really sorry she hasn't woken up to the fact the child is WAY better off with the dad far away; and I'm sorry she threatened you to keep you away when you were trying to help. She I'm sure in some warped way is trying to protect you more than him, but it doesn't make it any easier.
Very best of luck to you; and I will throw prayers her way too; she sounds like she big time needs them. | |
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Posted: 6/22/2012 3:32:57 PM |
She definately did not go to the police and flatout refuses to do so. Nor will she allow me or anybody to go after him. She is protecting him and justifying it
Fifty bucks says she ends up back with him.
Sorry OP. Very unfortunate all around--for her, the kid, and you.
I cant be in a relationship with a violent ex when my hands are tied.
Excellent realization. There's a healthier option out there for you. | |
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Posted: 6/22/2012 7:53:39 PM | shes not over her ex, I would back off and date other girls, she seems like she has emitional baggage still and you will get hurt emitionaly or mentaly, give her some time to figure out if her ex still has feelings for her, she may have been still in contact with her ex without you knowing about it.
On the other hand, she could have been using you to get her ex back. | |
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Posted: 6/22/2012 8:11:31 PM | | My first thoughts were that he may have told her that he would kill her, or kill you if she see's you again. She may be trying to protect both of you. | |
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Posted: 6/22/2012 9:18:16 PM | Bad news mate. Until he's in prison or otherwise
has his parental rights stripped, he will have control
over her through the child.
Bad situation for you to get in. The woman is enslaved
by her relationship with this man and her child by him.
It won't change. He will always be hurtful to her and
use the child to make her miserable. Unless you want
a really bad life experience find somebody else to love.
If he's not physically abusing her he'll be abusing her
in the courts or messing with the kid's head. It can
go on for years.
If you must love this woman wait until he gets settled
and happy with another woman. This will make his
anger less. | |
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Posted: 6/23/2012 10:33:10 AM | | It sounds like she does care about you're my best guess is that her way to keep you safe is to keep away from you're its possible that her ex told her to break it off or one of you would get hurt. All you can do is message her to say you do care for her, and will be there if and when she needs you're its up to her to report him to the authorities. Hope it works out ok | |
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Posted: 6/23/2012 7:51:32 PM | | i think shes still has feelings for her ex otherwise she would still wanna see u | |
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Posted: 6/23/2012 9:47:07 PM | | if she wants nothing to do with you let her go find someone else if she gives any slight hint that she wants to go beat the shoit out of that other guy for beating her no1 should touch a woman.....that crap lights a fuse in me when i hear/see someone do that crap grrrrrr. | |
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