| | deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kidsPage 1 of 1 | I put this in broken hearts because that is how I am feeling right now. My ex husband is the culprit.
Our oldest son is not his biologically, but he has been his dad since 4 months. He is now 23. We have been apart 5 years. He has never paid child support (4kids) and is terrified that I will take him to court. He is living with an alcoholic and supports her fully, and he moved 3 hours away from his kids 2 years ago.
He did not come to his son's high school graduation last week. The only one is talks to is the youngest (who does not remember all the horrible things his father did to us) . He makes a point of buying him lots of stuff while the others get nothing.
I have always encouraged all the kids to maintain a good relationship with their dad and each other, even going out of my way on lots of occasions to be accomodating.
Now he has told our oldest that he wants nothing to do with him: he has been in tears. This is a man that sold his sons car and pawned all his belongings for money when the kids was at work. The boy forgave him and has tried to have a relationship, but still has some hard feelings. He never wants to see his dad again. I cannot blame him, but would like him to let things lie for a while. He thinks it is because he is not his biological father.
I have decided that I am taking him to court for the child support he owes and got a lawyer. My problem is that I feel the other kids should support their brother and we should stick together.
I am trying to get our son to see a counsellor but so far, no luck. I am becoming overwhelmed but have lots of outlets, thankfully.
My sister and I are best friends and if a parent did that to one of us, they would lose us both.
What should I do? The ex will not talk to me so this is not an option: which is funny because he never had a problem before- it is just his paranoia and belief that because I earn more money, he should not have to support his kids. This is not something the kids need to know about, however, and he keeps telling them it is my fault he does not see them? WTF? | |
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 6/22/2012 11:43:29 PM | What should you do?
Talk to several lawyers. Family court is hell. The lawyers do
well financially no matter what happens with such cases but
the costs to both sides of a split family are not measured in
dollars alone.
Aside from that, this is not a healthy place to vent your story.
People will get all fired up on your side of the story and
tell you to get vengeance in court without considering the
other ramifications. Get a lawyer or get a therapist. | |
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 6/23/2012 12:44:33 AM | There are some people that are just too problematic or parasitic to maintain contact with. Your ex-husband sounds like a fine example of such a person - don't encourage them to maintain communication. You could be setting them up for a fall, like your eldest for example. Sometimes it's just better to cut your losses.
In addition, stop letting your husband bullshit your kids. I wouldn't drag them into it, but from the sounds of it you've got the legal high ground over him. Use it to your advantage in whatever way you can to protect your kids and yourself. | |
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 6/23/2012 3:11:26 AM | First no your kids should not know anything less they are of age. However, everything does not need to be addressed all at once.
You're doing everything right now as far as a lawyer, so let the lawyer do the talking. However, for the kids that have no choice but to hear....not listen to their father, there is nothing you can do but speak on it if they bring it up.
In the meantime, always always let your kids know how much you love them, if they bring things up about what their father has said about you. Tell them, that you understand that your father says these things, but nothing is farther from the truth. Don't show anger, that will only make it look worse and cause the children to think what he is saying is true.
However, take the things to your lawyer that your children have come to you about.
As far as your oldest son who is not your ex, you can't do much but try and be there for him. He will in time see him for who he truly is, but you trying to butt in, is not that good. The only thing you can do at this point is support your son. Stop trying to get your ex to see differently. If your son is really depressed, then yes try to convice him, but within reason. Tell him you will go to session with him because you feel you need some help as well. | |
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 6/23/2012 9:10:18 AM | Let the phucker dig his own hole and be done with it. Confirm YOUR love to YOUR children and try to explain to them you don't understand the dumb phucker's actions either. Explain it could be hurt, it could be hate, bitterness or whatever. And you do make sure they know you have no part in keeping them seperate or the dumb phucker from visiting them.
I have always encouraged all the kids to maintain a good relationship with their dad and each other, even going out of my way on lots of occasions to be accomodating.
I would stop that. Time for the children to decide on their own if they even want the dumbphucker in their lives. Even the youngest will figure out sooner or later on how the dumbphucker is trying to "buy" his way thru this shiat. Go for the "support" but make sure you don't do it for the "wrong" reasons.
I don't understand at all guys like this. I "could" hate my ex's guts,but, that would NEVER change my relationship with a child. EVER. Again, he's a dumbphuck.
Of course, I can only go by your story, and not hear his. Not that I'm questioning your story, it's still only being told by you, if ya know what I mean. | |
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 6/23/2012 7:02:08 PM |
My problem is that I feel the other kids should support their brother and we should stick together.
Would this be PAS? (Note: OP opened the PAS can of worms in previous forum threads)
So many questions. But I get a "feeling" from "reading between the lines". Wish we knew the whole story. | |
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 6/23/2012 10:06:27 PM | Thanks for the response. There are three sides to every story, his, hers and the truth. I am aware of that and can only be as objective as I can. Of course there is bias on both sides. I am most concerned about doing what is right for the kids, regardless of my feelings (which up to this point have been accepting and positive-bygones are bygones).
Mac: I acutally responded to another posters comments about PAS. People in general are much to quick, I feel, to throw out labels. It is much to complicated to explain and there are lots of grey areas in PAS. Is this a case of PAS? I would not think so. Even if it is, I have no intention of dragging their father over the coals to prove a point, what good would this accomplish in the long run? You can ask me anything you want, but it seems that you are insinuating that I am lying? hiding something? Not even close. As I said above, I know this is my side --it would be ridiculous to think otherwise. I wonder why this is so sensitive for you?
I totally understand, btw, that family law is horrible and can do a lot of damage and this has caused a lot of people to become disillusioned.
Child support is the right of a child and that is the sole objective in pursuing the legal avenue. In our province, parents are required to pay tuition, braces, etc.. I have allowed him time to "get on his feet" and now he feels that the kids are not his responsiblity. This I will never understand.
Again, I just wondered if anyone has any ideas about how to lessen the hurt feelings and impact on the kids. The youngest is starting to see...it is all I can do to bite my tongue right now. Am I wrong to think the kids should stand up for each other? Lots of others have been through this and probably have ideas, in retrospect, about keeping the kids protected and not depressed in these situations. | |
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 6/23/2012 11:05:43 PM | Take him to court is step one. Every man or woman must pay child support if they have children to support. It doesn't matter who makes more money. Children are our responsibility to feed, clothe, love, protect and financially support through school and university. Something we thought about before having them?
Stop encouraging your son to keep in contact with a toxic father just because you want them to have a relationship. You mean well I'm sure but it's not what is important right now in healing your sons broken heart. They will be old enough to decide for themselves if they want a relationship with him. He has to earn it to have it. It may be hurtful to watch him suffer because of his fathers actions and rejection but it hurts more to keep him going back for love that is just not there.
What he supports now and lives with has nothing to do with you anymore. If he wants to support a drunk, fine. but pay your child support payments and the rest is his to waste or spend as he so pleases. Your concern is you and your children. Not his drunken partner. A lawyer will do the talking" for you". This is why we hire them. There is no need for you to contact him in any way. Not to direct his parenting skills, not to encourage him to stop favoring one child over the other and so on. That is why you have a lawyer. What he fails to do as a loving parent to his children, he will be forced to pay child support and schooling. Like it or not.
Getting the proper council for the kids is a great idea. I am not sure why you are having no luck Is it because the kids don't want to go? Is it because you cant find a councilor ? Depending on the age of the child will determine if you have any say in whether or not he has to go. At age 23 he is a man now, he can not be made to go even though you have it in his best interest. What he needs to see right now is you taking action. Doing what you say you will do as for years you have allowed him to drop his responsibility in paying child support. Standing strong in adversity and overcoming the hard times is what you have to do. Managing a house full of boys is yet another thing.
I wish you the best of luck in dealing with these sensitive issues. | |
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 6/24/2012 12:49:39 AM | Thank you, DNA. What you say makes a lot of sense.
I will not continue to try and make a relationship possible. It is up to the kids and their father. I am just trying to deal with the emotional fallout, as you recognize. I don't truly care about his partner, up to this point, I just cannot imagine ever choosing to support that over my kids?? I am only human and it really burns my butt- we had kids and I thought we both loved them equally-he was a good dad.
I have indeed allowed him to not pay support for years and this has to end. I woke up oneday and realized that even though we don't "need" "his" money, the kids are entitled to whatever benefits they can have.
Not that I cannot find a councillor, but rather that he chooses not to go. Today he told me that he will speak to a friend's mother, who is a social worker. | |
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 6/24/2012 11:58:10 AM | | I have to agree with DNA in that your son is 23, he's an adult, and can make his own decisions - I wouldn't try to "convince" him he should be talking with his "dad", but rather supporting him in whatever decision he chooses to make and letting him know you are always there for him. Let him be an adult, maybe 'suggest' counseling, but make it no more than that - perhaps, what I'm saying here is that even though he *is* your son, treat him in this matter the same as you would treat an adult friend going through the same - who you can't "tell" what to do, but can be there for them and suggest things. He will find his own way through this, whatever the outcome. | |
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 6/24/2012 1:10:34 PM | Again, I just wondered if anyone has any ideas about how to lessen the hurt feelings and impact on the kids. The youngest is starting to see...it is all I can do to bite my tongue right now. Am I wrong to think the kids should stand up for each other? Lots of others have been through this and probably have ideas, in retrospect, about keeping the kids protected and not depressed in these situations.
OP, I feel for you and have lived scary similar to this (except all three kids were my ex's, but he still did the same playing them off of the other and only maintaining a relationship with the youngest while programming him and literally cuting contact with the other ones; though in his case there was nothing monetary with the youngest; no dime towards support or gifts to any of them; only words...
I did finally do court for initial child support when I had the three 24/7 (still do but they are all over 18) and he not only had no contact with them but no monetary; and he was making 7 grand a month; AND he took their college funds he was trustee of that his parents set up for them.
It was ugly; because when it went to court; he TOTALLY did a full court press on the youngest especially; but my daughter as well. And the words he said and the guilt, manipulation and bs that was force fed into their ears (with y youngest he would go on over an hour a day; my son literally slept all the time; he was so overloaded>)
And you can't protect them if they read their email and answer their phone; you can nly be there and you can only be supportive to them and get therapy for any who will accept it (my daughter had a really good experience with a therapist but my son wouldn't go still thinks his dad walks on water but he is less poisoned at me since he has eyes and has seen for himself what has been the case for hte last seven years in spite of what his dad says; so though he stil idolizes his dad he doesn't resent or hate me.
But even with the child support; he blew it off and quit paying it and left the country anyways; and I know I could rebring him back to court OR get his visa revoked if I wanted to; but it just isn't worth it to me. I've been doing it on my own for so long and they have had a single parent for so long (he quit contact with the kids once the child support thing was done; he only wanted to talk to them when they could help him; after that he mostly broke ties except the occasional skype to my youngest). that to drag it all back out again just doesn't feel worth the emotional trauma.
But many people are angry at me for letting him get away with it; and I know many people in my group who are back and forth in court ad nauseum over child support.
So yesthe lawyers make a LOT of money (as do the therapists). I guess I would just say make very very sure you get them help if your ex does like mine and goes on a full court press to them to get you to back off (you being good does not negate him not being good; but at least if one of you talks good about the other one; the kids will know you are trying to be fair and really do want what's best rather than it being a "sticking it to the ex" thing so many people assume)... make sure you get a good lawyer, hopefully a good and fair judge, and know that you are going to have to count a whole lot of cost including emotional; and see if it's worth it to you to bother.
It for me has been staggeringly expensive, thankless (you'd think he'd at least apprciate I'm doing all of it for his kids on my own; but he hates me more now than he did before if that's possible), and unfair; but on the other hand, peace of mind is also priceless. But you can't force your kids to side together. Your youngest has to be allowed to feel how he feels and your oldest needs to know no amtter what, you love him enough for the both of you (my daughter was the rejected one by my ex and she knows now it was not her he was rejecting; she has made peace with it; your oldest will eventually knowing you are proud of him and crazy about him but it IS hard to watch someone who parented a child their entire life walk away... that's heartbreaking.
So don't use the court to punish. There is WAY too much of that. Only do it if you truly believe it is the right thing to do (obviously it's fair and if he's in contempt he SHOULD have to pay for it0 but know what you gain in money if you gain anything, you will spend not only in lawyers fees, but emotional peace of mind of your kds, your own emotional peace of mind and a lot of time and energy. But if it's worth it to you and right; then mroe power to you. I know I should do that... and I might at some point... but in the meantime, knowing I can hold my head up high and know I was the best supportive financial and emotional parent I coudl be, and knowing my kids never doubted for a SECOND I love them... is worth the unfair theft and hateful programming of the other non supportive non custodial non ANY kind of interaction parent. But get them therapy; especially your oldest and youngest. The oldest for the crushing rejection and your youngest because they are probably trying HARD to idealize someone that they need to be who they believe him to be; and if he comes crashing down at some point; it is going to devastate them.
Very best of luck. And I am so very sorry for your heartbreak over your kids...
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 6/24/2012 1:26:45 PM |
The only one he talks to is the youngest (who does not remember all the horrible things his father did to us).
Horrible things he did to us?
I am only human and it really burns my butt- we had kids and I thought we both loved them equally-he was a good dad.
We loved them equally - he was a good dad?
Arg, OK, I'm confused. But I see no one else is, so I'll just bow out.
One thing I've learned over the years being involved in the family courts - "You have to love your children more than you hate your ex."
Good luck. | |
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 6/24/2012 1:57:08 PM | | Hi beautiful 1 always remember this: we as ppl cannot control what other decide and wants to do and does. Its out of our control you can only control the things that's in your control. All you can do from there on wards is to put it in the hands of our god. Vengeance is mines says the lord. Now see how simple. | |
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 6/25/2012 8:45:14 AM | Keep the kids out of the child support talk. Do what your mind and heart tell you to do as far as court proceedings.
I am in the same boat. My Ex pays $50 a month child support due to 'financial hardship' but manages to drive a brand new car and take carribean vacations. | |
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 6/25/2012 11:59:08 AM | My problem is that I feel the other kids should support their brother and we should stick together.
My sister and I are best friends and if a parent did that to one of us, they would lose us both.
I have always encouraged all the kids to maintain a good relationship with their dad and each other, even going out of my way on lots of occasions to be accomodating.
Are you asking if because one of them doesn't want a relationship with his non-biological father,you want the other 2 children to stop seeing or talking to thier dad in "support"? That could backfire on your in the long run.
it is just his paranoia and belief that because I earn more money, he should not have to support his kids.
Welcome to the club.I have the same problem with my xH.But he continues to have visitation and I wouldn't dream of trying to pit our kids against eachother in anyway to make a point.
Oh...and the kicker? He bought himself a $35,000 Toyota Tundra this weekend.
So sad he can't afford CS! | |
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 6/25/2012 2:56:14 PM | Thank you all.
Heart: I know that I should not ever involve the kids like that, but I am torn because I always support my sister and would not associate with someone who treats her poorly.
My ex bought a Nissan Murano- cash! lol, he can`t afford child support. | |
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 6/25/2012 5:02:03 PM | Heart: I know that I should not ever involve the kids like that, but I am torn because I always support my sister and would not associate with someone who treats her poorly.
Believe me,considering how my kids saw my xH treat me over the years we were married,I am just as amazed
that they even want to have contact with him.the thing is,he is thier father and it's not my place to try and remind them that the main reason we are divorced is due to his narcissistic ways,alcoholism,verbal abuse and entitlement issues.If they choose to turn a blind eye so they have a man they can call "Dad",even if he isn't paying CS and being just as selfish as he always was,I can't risk losing thier love,along with thier loyalties just because I think they should respect me more for having financially supported them, solely, since they were born.
So I DO hear you and understand your plight and know that in part,you want them ALL to stop communicating with him for what he did to you and them over the years.I recall trying to hold my xH accountable for his abuses and he asked me to allow him to live in denial.So that's what I am forced to do.I am also supposed to pretend that we are civil for our kids sakes,and own my part in the demise of our family,and turn the other cheek when he drives up to drop off our youngest and asks," So,how do you like my new truck" when he knows FULL WELL that he is continuing to live at my expense and his childrens.
Bottom line you can't MAKE someone have a conscience.
You can't make your kids self protect from him because you know him and his true colors.
You can't change how these people are or how they manage to manipulate our kids into thinking we are solely responsible for thier well being whilst they become "Disney Dads" and we pick up the tap for all the other major bills that keep our kids alive.
All we can do is THANK OURSELVES for having gotten out of the marriages and grin and bear the advere consequences without killing them for being SO GD SELFISH.
My ex bought a Nissan Murano- cash! lol, he can`t afford child support
That's complete BULLSHIT! I am sorry he left you hanging without giving a shit about his kids.
Maybe one day,our kids will see the truth and we will be thanked for our efforts.
In the meantime,all you can do is your best to stay as neutral as you can so as to not confuse or force your kids to choose sides and hope for the best.Let them decide what they want to do because I think, if you expect them to alienate them for your sake or your oldest son's sake,they will resent and blame you for "taking thier father from them" when in reality,he will do that on his own soon enough.
Sometimes,I wonder where the justice is,then I realize,every road has it's turn.
They may seem on top,but really,they lost it all and don't even care about anyone but themselves and thier images of themselves.If they can live with themselves,we will never have any effect on them anyways.
I always thought a REAL MAN AND FATHER would voluntarily take care of his kids financially so women didn't need to chase them down for CS so I didn't force him to pay from the start as he was down and out.
Now that he's up and running..................he feels entitled to a new truck?
Ok then. Off to go pay some more bills for my 3 kids.......good luck with your situation.Just know you are far from alone.
Once a deadbeat...always a deadbeat.
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 6/26/2012 3:03:11 AM | futurembrace, I am way too young and inexperience for give you any sort of advice but I know something.
It does not really matter if it's biological kid or no, it happened the same thing to one of my friends and he was his biological dad, he did not even wanted to go to his children's wedding, he never seen his grandson neither.
Men usually feels the fatherhood differently, it is not like he carry him for 9 months, but he has been called 'dad' for the last 20 years. If a man does not feels like a father after it he will never feels and it seems to me he is using his youngest to suffocate his guilty feelings. Unfortunately they are ways too young to understand those things, it will be better in their late 20s. Hopefully.
Good luck. | |
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ro1970
| | Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 20 | |
| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 6/28/2012 5:28:19 PM | Carolann - I like the way you think....keep the kids out of the legal bullshit....amen to that.......
It totally amazes me how parents....moms AND dads can use a divorce decree to abandon and not be responsible for their kids.
I just don't get it. | |
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 7/3/2012 5:14:46 AM | | A man who refuses contact with his kids isn't much of a man. Failure to support children is a legal issue as well as a moral defect. Both my children are estranged from their mother. I try to stay out of it as encouraging them to maintain contact has proven to be detrimental to both of them. Some people are simply not worth knowing. Sounds like your ex is one of them. | |
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 7/3/2012 2:58:23 PM | What about going to family counseling. I don't mean to include the father, but set up an appointment for your children as a group and possibly individually as well. Perhaps if your oldest sees it as a group effort it will encourage him to participate. Even if he is the only one the father is technically "disowning" it is having an effect on all of your children and as the eldest brother, he may even see it as his "role" to help his younger siblings through this as well.
As far as support goes, that money should be money that is going to you for you to raise the children, not money the father presents to the children. This way, it remains neutral, it isnt anything that the father can say "this is going to Johnny but not Timmy", etc.
Yes, it will involve family court. Yes, it seems ridiculous that the father does not understand that it is his job as a parent to provide for the children, but it would seem that if everyone understood and accepted that, there would be no such thing as family court and orders of support for children.
Use the system the way it is supposed to be used, and remain neutral. | |
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| deadbeat ex...breaking my heart for my kids
Posted: 7/7/2012 7:02:40 PM | You should have filed for child support five years ago and not as a way of getting back at your ex for not wanting to have anything to do with your son. Its a matter of principle.
I know that you dont want to see your child hurt but you cant change the outcome of what has happened. If your ex wants nothing to do with your son then it is what it is. Your son has you in his life and hopefully the pain will subside sooner than later.
You sound like you want your other children to stop having a relationship with your ex because he doesnt want to have anything to do with your oldest son. Your ex is their father and they may not act the way you and your sister did in the past. I just hope that you dont impose your feelings and what you would do in the same situation on them becasue they are not you and they have a right to have a relationship with their father regardless if he acts like a****or not. | |
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