| | Self sabotage - advices?Page 1 of 1 | Hi,
I will try to make it short. I had some massive sh1t happening in the last 16 months, some serious events that changed drastically my life. The first event was a really bad break up with my ex, after that I had some bigger stuff I had to deal with (family, illness, etc.) so my romantic life when on second place (probably 3rd or 4th as well) and I have been single since then. I focused on having those things sorted and on my career. Should I add that I never been proper single before? I always have been in really long relationships. I am 24 btw.
Said that I am not the sort of person that talks about personal stuff, I moved in a new area last year so I don't really have any close friends over here and even with my closest friends I don't talk a lot about feelings or issues. Everybody has its own problems to deal with.
I don't have any troubles in finding guys interested in me or anything like that. My problem is that when I realised that I could really like a guy I self sabotage the thing, I always find a way to push them away and feel guilty about it after it.
Does anyone have a similar experience? Any advices? Should I tell the guy why I acted so weird?
Please don't suggest to go and see a psychologist cause I won't and try to not be too harsh, it is already a massive step for me that I admitted this out loud. I hope it is not self pity neither, probably slightly borderline :D | |
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| Self sabotage - advices?
Posted: 6/24/2012 4:49:37 AM | This is actually fairly common.
What you went through, was very much like an emotional/psychological hurricane. Like a real violent storm, the various events chewed away fiercely at the previously comfortable foundations of your sense of self, and of your place and direction in the world. Your confidence in your own judgement and in your ability to deal with adversity and your certainty about how relationships fit into your life, are all teetering loosely inside you.
The reasons you self-sabotage with new people, would likely include ...
--that you are afraid to open yourself up to an additional emotional disappointment, by becoming dependent upon someone else before you've completely reestablished your own sense of certainty;
-- you have a subconscious resentment against the new person, because they are symbolically trying to take the place of someone you cared about deeply and still revere (they themselves aren't trying to do this, you are yourself doing this with them in your mind);
-- you fear that your desire to be with them is based upon need, or upon fearful self delusion (you don't trust your own judgement), and so you drive them away both as a test, and to stop yourself from hurting them MORE deeply, by getting too involved and THEN discovering that they were just a "Band-Aid" relationship to you.
You can come up with variations on that line of things. A simple exercise that many therapists would have you do (at great financial cost to you) would be to ask yourself repeatedly to fill in the blank in a sentence something like this:
"If I do get more involved and commit to this person, I will run the risk of ___________, which will be all my fault." | |
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| Self sabotage - advices?
Posted: 6/24/2012 5:28:57 AM | My problem is that when I realised that I could really like a guy I self sabotage the thing, I always find a way to push them away and feel guilty about it after it.
Based on everything you said before that, seems to me like now would be a good time to take a nice break from starting a new relationship. Being single isn't a disease you know.
You're already aware that you keep finding ways to sabotage things. The next step would be to sabotage things a little sooner, by just refraining from getting too involved in the first place. "Acting weird" isn't really a good solution to the problem you created called "biting off more than you can chew", but recognizing your own limits and staying within them works pretty well. | |
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| Self sabotage - advices?
Posted: 6/24/2012 6:03:03 AM | Hi guys,
thank you for your answers. Igor, you are totally right and it is definitely the 3rd point you made.
It took me over a year to completely established myself after that delusion that I am worried it could happens again and I won't have the strength to 'stay sane'. If this makes sense.
I will run the risk to 'be hurt again', which will be all my fault. Simple.
motown_cowgirl, you are right. But I am worried that more I wait and the harder it will be. Life shared with someone is better, more I spend time by myself and more I remember just the bad parts. I know that people are different but I really don't want to destroy all my chances of future happiness, I have seen it happening too many times.
Do you think making the guy aware of the situation would help? At least he will run away for a good reason and not because I am an evil genius and I find new and strange way to sabotage it, lol | |
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| Self sabotage - advices?
Posted: 6/24/2012 6:16:12 AM | But I am worried that more I wait and the harder it will be.
What are you saying, if you wait too long you'll be too old and ugly to date?? LOL. So will everyone else. Us old people have to settle for each other, it's disgusting, then one day you can't even get out of the chair, oops now you're dead! Haha!! Don't hold your breath girl, you are only 24.
Life shared with someone is better,
Pfft, says who? That statement is an assumption; it is just you talking to yourself into believing something. It is far from being a fact. When you tell yourself stuff like that, it's important to recognize the difference between assumption and fact so that you can tell when your thinking process starts running off the rails.
but I really don't want to destroy all my chances of future happiness
Getting involved in a relationship before you're really equipped emotionally to do that is a pretty good way to destroy your own future. It happens all the time. Anxiety isn't a healthy basis for starting a relationship, and running away from being alone with yourself is an emotional disease that leads people to make the absolute WORST kinds of decisions because they're giving up rational thought and their own best interests for a whole bunch of demanding emotional urges.
Do you think making the guy aware of the situation would help?
What are you really asking?
I think your presuppositions about relationships and what they mean and/or what they are worth are your biggest problem. I think you tell yourself shit all day and you think having a relationship will somehow fix the bad feelings, but the bad feelings come from you telling yourself shit all day, NOT from being single. What you should really do is stop telling yourself shit all day. Then it won't matter whether you're in a relationship or not, but WHEN the right opportunity presents itself you will be really ready for it. As opposed to sabotaging the thing while telling some guy why you are doing that. What if somebody did that to you, would you want to hang around?? I don't think so. It's fookin' scary. | |
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| Self sabotage - advices?
Posted: 6/24/2012 6:42:39 AM | I agree with igor,
I think cause you are the type who like dealing with your issues on your own,private person
may be you should date offline as well, communication is different, you get an insight of the person and might feel more comfortable to keep in touch and open yourself later which i think might be difficult too, depends who you meet when you just move to a different area, i might be wrong at the same time you dont want them to feel used and be used if i get you, you can tell the guy if you feel like it, hope he will understand you, may be you are looking for trust somewhere
or
fix your issue first then start dating | |
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| Self sabotage - advices?
Posted: 6/24/2012 7:10:36 AM | "What are you saying, if you wait too long you'll be too old and ugly to date?? LOL. So will everyone else. Us old people have to settle for each other, it's disgusting, then one day you can't even get out of the chair, oops now you're dead! Haha!! Don't hold your breath girl, you are only 24. "
It would be harder cause you get used to your own spaces and learn to dived it again with somebody else is not easy. The rest is just crap motown_cowgirl, sorry. From the way you interpreted my post seems like you have few problems as well, join the club, we could share the therapist's cost :D
wildandfreee: thanks for the answer. You got exactly my point. I just need to get over the panic attack when I feel that I could get involved, easy peasy. Lobotomy may works.. | |
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| Self sabotage - advices?
Posted: 6/24/2012 7:21:42 AM | From the way you interpreted my post seems like you have few problems as well,
Sorry I missed whatever point you were making,.... But so much was left open to interpretation.
It would be harder cause you get used to your own spaces and learn to dived it again with somebody else is not easy.
Get ahead of yourself much?
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| Self sabotage - advices?
Posted: 6/24/2012 7:49:41 AM | I also believe humans are usually happier when in a trusting, loving relationship. I've been in such relationsips but then as time passed the relationships needed to end. I've dated several women since my divorce (1995) and was in tow long term relationships between my dating experiences. I appreciate how wonderful life can be with a partner. At the same time, I also appreciated the fact that I knew I wasn't relationship material for a while because, like you, I sabotaged any possibility of letting someone get close to me.
As Igor pointed out, sometimes you don't trust your own decisions so you sort of become a saboteur. I looked for reasons not to date the person before I saught the goodness for wanting to date her.
Long term relationships are great! You need to get over whatever hurdle you keep stumbling on and enjoy the happiness of such a relationship. I'm still battling a couple hurdles myself but I know, in the back of my mind, there is nothing better than sharing life with a woman (from my perspective) in love. One day you will have your happy relationship as long as you ignore those who think being alone is normal while being happy in a relationship is just an assumption
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| Self sabotage - advices?
Posted: 6/24/2012 8:27:41 AM | Your light, though dim, will shine again but brighter for every hurdle you jump in life. Sometimes it will seem as if all you can do is lay in front of the hurdle. That is depression. Sometimes you have to muster all your strength, use the bars of the hurdle and pull yourself up and over it. But wait, there are more hurdles ahead...how can you possibly keep going on like this?
By strengthening your body and your intellect everyday. Exercise, eat right, read something new about travel, science etc (even if it doesn't really interest you). Your best strengths for tomorrow will come from what you do for yourself today.
What does this have to do with your situation?
I will try to make it short. I had some massive sh1t happening in the last 16 months, some serious events that changed drastically my life
There is nothing you can't deal with if you are mentally and physically balanced. Personally. I also believe you need to be spiritually guided through the toughest times as well. God will help you get through anything and everything. The outcome might not be what you want, but it might not be what God intended for you. I believe life’s choices and decisions are easier to make when you wear the “Amour of God” and believe and trust in Christ. There is not a situation you can be put in that he has not already given the answers for.
It is OK that you do not share your thoughts with strangers. Cruel and manipulative people can and will use your life’s experiences against you. When you need to speak to someone do this with a trusted friend. Your dates do not need to be exposed to your whole life in a matter of two hours. A date is a time to exit from your daily life and just enjoy the person in front of you. If you fear talking about yourself too much then make the date about him. Enjoy who he is. Ask him questions that you don't mind answering yourself because most likely he will want to know how you feel about...yada yada.
Now take this information and the time you spent with him, if it was enjoyable and smile. Smile when you think about him, smile when you drive down the road, smile before you go to bed and when you wake think about him and smile. The reason I am telling you this is because if he makes you feel good you will want to see him again...and again. Think as many good and positive thoughts about him as you can.
When you begin to assume how he feels about you, you are making a mistake because then you start to self judge and you will retreat into a very lonely world called self sabotage. So, lets go back to the beginning....
Life has hurdles....jump them
Go on dates with guys and enjoy them
Smile as often as you can when you think about them
This is not even close to a pity thread OP. You are a human being asking a question about something you are worried about. I am glad you came. | |
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| Self sabotage - advices?
Posted: 6/24/2012 8:43:49 AM | Do you think making the guy aware of the situation would help? At least he will run away for a good reason and not because I am an evil genius and I find new and strange way to sabotage it, lol
This will depend upon the guy, and what he takes away from what you say. Some people, as you will read in these forums, are not of a mind to wait for someone else, no matter how apparently wonderful, to be really ready. Even in my most romantic and sympathetic states, I find some agreement with them, in large part because I've seen many a time, that having someone waiting patiently for you, can actually result in your taking that much longer to BE ready.
Lots of what life consists of, seems to me to be of a nature such that the costs, pains, and difficulties of going through it, are inescapable, if you are to gain the inner riches that come from having done so. There are no shortcuts to wisdom. In fact, the people who have the most difficulty understanding real wisdom, are the ones who spend the most effort trying to bypass doing what it takes to gain it.
Anyway, going forward from here, I suggest a couple of things for you.
First of all, tell yourself the truth: that there IS no "True Romance and Love Bus Line." You aren't going to "miss your only shot," because you were stepping back from things at this time in your life. All the stories we are drowned in since childhood, accidentally give the wrong impression, perhaps because in times past, if a pair failed to marry by age 16, they would likely die before they had a chance to procreate. Those days are long gone, but the fantasy stories of the culture have not adjusted.
Second, if you do realize that you aren't ready for total commitment, then rather than explain it to guys, just refuse to commit, and don't pretend that you are trying to. Just date for the sake of dating, at least for a while. Use your experiences doing that, to rebuild your faith in your own judgement, by MAKING mistakes with guys, who you will now know ahead of time, that you don't have to put up with for all time.
I wouldn't be surprised, if by taking the pressure off of yourself to "make this work forever" with each guy, that you find that you stop sabotaging things, because you'll already know you don't have to, in order to be "safe." | |
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| Self sabotage - advices?
Posted: 6/24/2012 9:38:17 AM | I think the sabotage thing is connected to trust.
Ask yourself from where is the distrust coming?
Sometimes it's a fear of having what you want. Or a fear that once you get what you wanted it'll all blow up anyway and why go through that.
Or it could be a distrust of the opposite sex due to infidelity or lies that were told during the relationship.
It's not easy figuring out what you actually want, coming up w/ a plan to try to get it and then getting it.
If it were easy, we'd all be living the life we thought we wanted. It takes great courage and deep faith to push through all the obstacles, such as this one.
So, I think you need to-
A. Figure out from where the distrust is coming.
B. Try to not let it rule you.
C. Find inner faith or conviction that you will persevere. | |
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| Self sabotage - advices?
Posted: 6/24/2012 5:10:03 PM | | If you refuse to get professional help then what's the point of asking for non-professional help? It' s like coming here to find out if a mole you have might be cancerous. If you don't think your life is worth you getting the proper help, then be happy with how you are now. What other choice is there? Obviously you kind of know what's bothering you or you'd not be so determined to refuse to the proper place for it. Denial doesn't get better on it's own. | |
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| Self sabotage - advices?
Posted: 6/25/2012 6:40:50 AM | 'Get ahead of yourself much?'. motown_cowgirl: I am not sure I got what you talking about... I am having a blonde moment.
mtluggage: I agree.
onewayoranuther: thanks for the advices but actually I am a really happy and smily person. Good fun to be around and everything, it is just that lately I developed this dark side of self sabotaging about relationships.
IgorFrankensteen: again, I think you are totally right. I think it will probably sounds really silly but I don't know how to do that. I am able to take everything else 'as it goes' on the romantic side of my life I am not. And with every failure the it gets worse. How do you not take every mistake as a personal failure? Just date for the sake of dating... what's the point in it? I would much prefer to do something else that spend 2 hours of my life hearing a guy trying to impress me talking about random facts. More I think about it and more I realise that the dating scene isn't for me, not far from realising that being in a relationship isn't for me neither and I will turn into a monk. I never realised before how much I panic just thinking about it... I probably don't even want to be in a relationship, I am probably more worried that I will never want be in a relationship again? Does it makes any sense?
JSNC7: I am a special case, my brain stopped developing at the age of 8 :D
daynadaze: I am talking about it, so I am not in denial. No worries, if I will feel like I will need to see a therapist I will decide to take my 3rd degree in psychology.
Btw, I am really grateful to all the answers :) | |
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| Self sabotage - advices?
Posted: 6/25/2012 7:39:56 AM | I probably don't even want to be in a relationship, I am probably more worried that I will never want be in a relationship again? Does it makes any sense?
It doesn't make a bit of sense unless you're really conflicted about relationships. It's clear that you are.
"Get ahead of yourself much" -- > You worry about lots of imaginary stuff that hasn't happened, doesn't show any signs of happening, and could very well *never* happen.
How do you not take every mistake as a personal failure?
All-or-nothing thinking. A mistake is just a fact and an opportunity to learn how to do something in a better way, but a personal failure is a negative self-judgment. Those two things are completely different, but in your mind you've set them up to mean the same thing. Your expectations are way out of line on more than one front, and it's because of the language you use while you are talking to yourself inside your own head all day. It's become so habitual that you don't even notice you're doing that. And that's NOT a personal failure, it's just something people tend to do when they're not paying attention to the things that have begun to stand in their own way.
So, while you are busy not-dating, maybe catch up on your reading. Take some time to figure out a way to stop making things so impossible for yourself, or maybe why you felt like you needed to do that in the first place. --> "Drive Yourself Sane" by Susan Kodish | |
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| Self sabotage - advices?
Posted: 6/26/2012 4:32:15 AM | Oh, no. I am not enough girly for that.
I am aware of it. I am really driven, the 'all-or-nothing' thinking is what helps me succeed. It can drive you insane if you are not careful, but balance is the key of happiness. Kind need to find it back on this part of my life.
Believe me, growing up I am learning the shade of greys but they aren't my speciality, not part of my nature. I have read the intro of the book yesterday, seems one of those book that can change your life or just waste few hours of your time. I will give it a go during the summer, thanks for it :) | |
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