| | Illness and timing? Put in Profile or only when you start chatting?Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | Just trying to get some advice on how to approach this touchy subject. What if you have an illness (not terminal) is it advised to put that in one's profile and disclose it upfront and see if it separate's the men from the boy's or does one only disclose that personal information once you may strike up a conversation or should one wait even longer than that? Now to add to that if the illness has caused one to be on disability, however still pretty functional but doesn't work anymore after working all their life until they became ill. Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated...!! Thank You
p.s. The illness is not contagious just to clear that up!! | |
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| Illness and timing? Put in Profile or only when you start chatting?
Posted: 6/25/2012 2:34:27 PM | | I am in that situation. My general rule is to wait until date 3. But I have often broken it and revealed the info while chatting. It is your own business. But a potential partner has the right to know before he or she makes the decision to be exclusive. | |
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| Illness and timing? Put in Profile or only when you start chatting?
Posted: 6/25/2012 2:49:02 PM | | Thank You I appreciate that, however what do you say to them if your chatting when they ask what you do for a living? I don't want to lie to them cause that's not the way to start off a possible relationship or a friendship. I am not looking for a sugar daddy just I can make that clear as well, I have health insurance and income so its not about that but don't want to waste anyone's time either or mislead them if you will. | |
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| Illness and timing? Put in Profile or only when you start chatting?
Posted: 6/25/2012 3:34:46 PM | IMHO, I would not put it in your profile to start unless it is something that has a physical manifestation that would be unavoidable to discuss on a first meeting.
I don't think it's needed to discuss the heavy hitting life issues on a first date. I think most people are ok with it being a bit of a feeling out process and whether it works or not isn't a subject for hard feelings at that point.
I do agree with one of the above posters that letting someone know before the third date is probably fair, esp if it's a quality of life issue for the other person or for most people in most situations.
What might help you is to gather resources on your condition and be able to give some information to a prospective mate on that second or third date. That you can frame the "discussion" in terms of what you present instead of what they might research on their own. I don't think it's against the rules to present your case in the best possible light, as long as it's accurate. The more information you give people, the better they can make an informed decision. That way, if they buy in, they buy in knowing what the situation will be.
Another thing you can do is find others with your condition and ask how they handle the discussion process. No need to reinvent the wheel right? Maybe they can point out things that can help you in ways you didn't consider before.
On a personal note, I'm not a huge fan of your comment that discussion would "separate the men from the boys" It's, IMHO, dismissive of others right to choose. Maybe you are kidding ( I doubt it personally, but there, I'm giving you an out for it) though. Your profile lists you as a parent. If you have a son, an adult son, would you like other women to dismiss his right to choose them or not and seek his own best interests for dating? My guess is probably not. IMHO, in life, I find we get as much mercy as we give.
I'm sorry to hear about your illness, for what that's worth. | |
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| Illness and timing? Put in Profile or only when you start chatting?
Posted: 6/25/2012 3:43:55 PM | Good question , something more and more of us will be facing as father time has sped up the clock... either as the one who has the illness or the one who has to decide if this is something we want in a new relationship...
My opinion being on a dating site does not obligate one to share everything in a few emails or meet and greet... I would share it when when it feels right which will be different depending on the individual/relationship ... | |
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| Illness and timing? Put in Profile or only when you start chatting?
Posted: 6/25/2012 3:45:58 PM | | Well thank you very much for the advice very good advice I might add and very well spoken, and your right my comment about the men and boy's was out of line I am really not that kind of person, however had some bad experiences with men who knew about the illness and ran at the first chance they got when I had a setback including my ex of 25 years left me 4 months after I became ill so yes that was not necessary to say and I do have 2 adult son's who hopefully with my experience's won't take the approach of judgement if it's someone they really want to be with...Thank you for setting me straight on that one and again some great advice!! | |
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| Illness and timing? Put in Profile or only when you start chatting?
Posted: 6/25/2012 3:56:22 PM |
What if you have an illness (not terminal) is it advised to put that in one's profile and disclose it upfront
I don't know how visible your disability is, but do you randomly shout out "I have a disability that keeps me from working" as you enter the grocery store or post office? If not, then I don't think it's necessary to put it on your profile: the strangers here are no more privy to that information than are strangers in any public place.
does one only disclose that personal information once you may strike up a conversation or should one wait even longer than that?
Personally, I wouldn't disclose that kind of information until I knew I was interested in pursuing a relationship with this person. If I'm not interested in continuing with them, then they don't need to know my personal business. If I am interested, then I'd probably want to bring it up within a week or two of dating - say between 3 and 5 dates.
Sorry, I don't have any real hard and fast rules to give you - a lot depends on the specifics of your situation. | |
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| Illness and timing? Put in Profile or only when you start chatting?
Posted: 6/25/2012 4:56:42 PM | | im really glad you posted this thread..ive had the same question running through my head..when is the right time? i like you am not terminal and can do pretty much anyone my age can do and then some.. im currently not working and on disability. im financially stable and not looking for a sugar daddy..but it is temporary..so good luck to you! | |
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| Illness and timing? Put in Profile or only when you start chatting?
Posted: 6/25/2012 8:46:35 PM | Tough question....
Let's look at the balance sheet...
1. State it in your profile....
If it is in your profile, it is reasonable to believe a person contacting you is aware of the situation. Given the propensity of some males not to read profiles, I'd make sure they read it. Also, you don't have to be specific but, if you choose this route, you would probably want to be very clear as to what limitations it imposes on you and, the limitations it does not. You want to make sure you leave as little room as possible for assumptions.
If the person knows of the situation and still contacted you then, you can proceed normally without the burden of deciding when and how to tell.
The downside, it is likely you won't get as many interested suitors as you would otherwise. On the other hand, those that went on to the next profile may have spared you a disappointment in person.
2. Don't state it in your profile....
You know that at some point in time you will have to "come clean" so to speak. The problem here is that you don't have any control as to when that will be exactly. This in turn is likely to result in the person you're talking to feeling somewhat surprised and, who knows, even possibly deceived. The potential for a person feeling deceived is IMO a very undesirable characteristic in this alternative. It is a distinct possibility if you end up using euphemisms such as "I'm freelancing" which are attempts to postpone the inevitable.
You will likely have more initial suitors with this approach but, for the increase in suitors you will very likely increase the number of disappointments both, for you and the other person. Emotionally, this could be a very tough choice for you and those who contact you.
Assessment
Once you look at the "balance sheet".... it's a matter of personality....
Myself, I know the truth cannot be avoided... therefore deal with it upfront. Make it predictable and, retain the control you can have over the situation instead of losing all of it. For this reason, I would choose option #1, to state it in the profile. It avoids the potential for someone feeling deceived and removes the uncertainty as to when and how to come clean.
I could not see myself choosing option #2, there are too many elements in that option that are against my nature. | |
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A_Gent
| | Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 16 | |
| Illness and timing? Put in Profile or only when you start chatting?
Posted: 6/26/2012 6:21:24 AM | What's the handicap?
That you smoke, a bit overweight, like NASCAR???
Everyone is fighting some sort of battle.
What would you want to know about the people you are interested in? Would you want to know if a person was in a wheel chair before you said hello? If the guy you had an eye on had MS... would it make a difference to you?
Offer the same courtesy you would want for yourself.
Whether or not you list the item is really a matter of your own good judgement... I don't think there is any need to wave it around on your profile like a flag... but depending on the issue.. somewhere between sending wink and the third date... | |
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knt3
| | Joined: 6/8/2012
Msg: 17 | |
| Illness and timing? Put in Profile or only when you start chatting?
Posted: 6/26/2012 6:48:40 AM | Ya know, I personally recall many times during the very first phone call with a guy where they would be interested in things like if I have insurance, if I own or rent, what I still owe on my house, my income, if I have any debt, what kind of car I drive and if I have any kids living at home with me, etc...
SOME of these questions that I felt were none of their business as some people are looking for sugar mama's or just steer clear of people with issues.
People don't want to get involved if your have nothing and then again if you have certain issues that they just do not want to deal with.
People want to get away from problems and issues and as crude as that sounds, that's just the way it is.
With on-line dating as it is and especially on POF where this is a free site and so you run into every Tom,****and Harry, I'd have to say you should probably get your issue out in the open asap....like in your first phone conversation. That way you don't have a whole lot of time, feelings and emotions invested in someone and so it's no great loss if they decide they don't want to persue.
I think the first real phone conversation is best. No need to lead anyone on or keep them blind to whatever your issue is. People get pissed when they're misled. | |
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| Illness and timing? Put in Profile or only when you start chatting?
Posted: 6/26/2012 3:59:12 PM | A serious illness is a very personal issue. I wouldn't share that type or personal information until you know someone for a while. Aggressively presenting this immediately will turn a lot of people off and scare them with your inappropriate revealing of personal information.
Judith | |
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pfif
| | Joined: 6/11/2012
Msg: 21 | |
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| Illness and timing? Put in Profile or only when you start chatting?
Posted: 6/26/2012 7:51:54 PM | | There are some stuff u just don't flaunt to the entire world to know! Ur here to meet some nice and perhaps a future something....I wouldn't advise putting an illness in ur profile until u started talking with someone that u really like....get to know them a bit and see how that person is and then mention it b4 u guys decide to meet each other in person! | |
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| Illness and timing? Put in Profile or only when you start chatting?
Posted: 6/26/2012 10:10:38 PM | | Wow, lots of different opinions on whether to disclose in the profile. Either way, I've found it makes for lousy messaging and phone conversation. If I'm interested in someone I like to meet sooner rather than later for a quick coffee. Gives someone the chance to see a broader picture of who you are, a good first impression can challange any stereotypes someone might have. | |
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| Illness and timing? Put in Profile or only when you start chatting?
Posted: 6/27/2012 5:31:12 AM | I have Trimenial Neuralgia which results in pain so bad I can not move. Fortunatly it is now in remission. This condition affects the nerves in the face so I can not smile. POF should live in the real world as they insist on a smilling photo.
I would not tell a date my medical condition until I know them better. | |
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