| | Relationship helpPage 1 of 2 (1, 2) | Hi,
I have thought about the situation I'm in for a while now and feel as though I'm in a moral dilemma. I'm hoping I can get some good feedback here.
The situation: I started seeing this girl a few months back and at first it was great, it was more like a FWB situation which I was comfortable with. As time progressed we started to see more of each other mainly by her asking to hang out more. I didn't mind since I enjoyed her company.
A few things happened that made me realize that this person isn't some who you would get into a relationship with (i.e. she has a history of cheating and lying). We haven't agreed that we are in a relationship and we both refer to our time together as hanging out. Is it ok to date other people while in this situation and not tell the person you are seeing?
I feel bad doing it but realize that she is seeing other people while seeing me. I would prefer to be a relationship but currently enjoy my time with her. My plan is to find someone I can be in a serious relationship with and then dissolve this current situation. | |
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| Relationship help
Posted: 6/25/2012 2:32:30 PM | | It looks like you already answered you own question in the last paragraph. You just have to make the decision whether or not you will continue to see her while you are actively pursuing a relationship or make a clean break first. No one else can make this decision for you because only you know what is best for you. There is an argument to be made for either decision. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2012 2:38:44 PM | It sounds as though perhaps you would like to be in a relationship with this woman, but your head is telling you it is not a good idea. Listen carefully!!
Many of us make mistakes because we follow our hearts only. P
Personally, I would have a talk with her and say exactly what you have told us here. She probably assumes you are seeing others, but it would clear the air and let you move on without guilt (in theory, at least). | |
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Posted: 6/25/2012 2:53:10 PM | | If you havent agreed to a relationship, then you arent in one and are free to do as you please. Personally, I think you should dissolve the current situation and focus on a serious relationship. Being alone will make you more motivated. Kind of like having a job you dont like but trying to find a new one vs. having no job and finding one. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2012 3:04:41 PM |
My plan is to find someone I can be in a serious relationship with and then dissolve this current situation.
I think you are going to find it difficult to start a serious relationship while still in the current situation.
How many women are going to agree to date you while you have a FWB? | |
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Posted: 6/25/2012 5:22:52 PM | >>> she has a history of cheating and lying..
Is it ok to date other people while in this situation and not tell the person you are seeing? <<<
sounds to me like you are very similar. you say you don't like her behavior yet you are planning to do the same thing.
cheating and lying are the same thing.
i always think of a cheater as being rather cowardly. i think it's best to end one relationship before embarking on another. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2012 5:35:55 PM |
I would prefer to be a relationship
That's not what your profile states. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2012 6:01:03 PM | Wow..
I would be so offended and enraged if I was going out with someone and after a few dates decided that we wanted to pursue a relationship only for him to say hey wait I have to break it off with my FWB after we had been talking to whole time.
Or worse be exclusive with him for a bit only to find out later that he was screwing someone else the whole time you thought the dating you two were doing was actually going somewhere.
I see nothing wrong with dating a few people at a time..but once you take it to a sexual level you have to be honest. There are entirely to many stds out there and would be completely unfair of you to expect a decent woman to understand that you would like to see her or take her out but remain bumping uglies with someone else. *smh*
Really guy???
If you want to be with your FWB ..be with her. If you obviously see theres not future leave it alone. Believe me a life time of happiness with someone who DOES want to be with you or be in a relationship with you isnt even worth the best booty call in the world. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2012 6:06:46 PM | As long as you have both set clear boundaries and not becoming sexually involved with other people while remaining sexually involved with eachother then you should be fine.
Dating other people is fine, but I wouldn't get sexually involved with someone else unless you're definitely going to end this arrangement, and she should do the same. It's not fair to you, her or the new person to remain sexually active in a FWB while being sexually involved with a 3rd person.
If she becomes sexually engaged with one of the people she is seeing, you should end it. The same as if you become sexually involved with someone else.
FWB works only as long as you're not violating the trust of a 3rd party. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2012 7:00:07 PM | That is not how it works. Sounds like you are afraid to be alone and using her just as much as she is using you to "hang out".
If you started seeing another woman and did not tell her of this, how would it look if she does find out?
No other woman is going to take you seriously after reading this, like you want your cake and eat it too. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2012 7:06:16 PM | | Dude...I hope you are double bagging your junk when bumping uglies. FWB and bang buddies are fun until you catch an STD or you get the news thats she's pregnant...or both. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2012 8:30:27 PM | | Thats wrong. How do you think the next would feel? | |
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Posted: 6/25/2012 9:03:34 PM | Friends with benefits is just a political correct way to say you're an uncontrollable douchebag who needs a woman who is the same. I don't understand exactly what honour or dignity an FWB relationship has over one night stands? Besides knowing her first and last name and maybe spending an entire day together, there is no difference.
I wouldn't feel comfortable dating a woman who has that kind of relationship - no matter how much of a spin she put on it. You do not date one person while fvcking another... that's scummy! | |
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Posted: 6/25/2012 9:20:58 PM | Well, let's consider the alternatives to a FWB arrangement...
1) Celibacy. Not going to fly with alot of people.
2) Prostitution. By definition a much riskier solution.
3) Casual sex with an unknown quantity of partners/one night stands. Far riskier solution due to the volume of partners, that's aside from the risk of leaving a trail of emotional wreckage.
Of the solutions, a committed FWB arrangement allows 2 people to engage in non-emotional monogamy. This limits their exposure to disease, controls the setting which is physically safer, and dramatically reduces the risk of unwanted pregnancies as both participants are fully prepared for the sexual involvement.
As I said before, if both partners have clear boundaries and are committed to ending the arrangement as soon as they become intimate with a 3rd party, then I don't see why it would be an issue, or why anyone would care.
There are so many people that use Sex as a reason to remain or initiate emotionally destructive relationships that the idea of getting involved in a FWB scenario, and thus removing Sex from the initial equation of meeting someone new is actually quite logical. IE, if you're getting enough sex already, then you are more likely to enter a relationship with someone who you truly find attractive on a personal level vs being driven by raging hormones.
As for the original OP, if your FWB partner is not reliable/trustworthy, then the relationship is going to be problematic. If both of you can act responsibly, then it can be workable. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2012 9:34:42 PM |
We haven't agreed that we are in a relationship and we both refer to our time together as hanging out. Is it ok to date other people while in this situation and not tell the person you are seeing?
I think you best make sure you are on the same page. That would involve having a conversation with her that included words such as "friends, benefits, no future as a couple".
I feel bad doing it but realize that she is seeing other people while seeing me.
Why do you feel bad? Are you sure she's seeing other people, or are you hoping she is?
My plan is to find someone I can be in a serious relationship with and then dissolve this current situation.
You don't want to be straight with this temporary girl, so you plan to simply take what you can get and then disappear.
made me realize that this person isn't some who you would get into a relationship with
Pot ... kettle ... | |
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Posted: 6/25/2012 9:37:00 PM | | The only thing you can do is make sure you both know each other intentions in the relationship. And you should be honest with her in what you are looking for especially if you plan on disolving the current relationship with her once you find a serious relationship. But no matter what someone will be hurt it's inevitable. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2012 9:59:36 PM | | Attaching yourself to someone you don't think that much of is all kinds of sad. Been there, done that. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2012 10:31:04 PM | | Listen to the head on your shoulders... not the one below your belt. | |
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Posted: 6/26/2012 1:35:10 AM | Oooh, this is gonna be messy...
*Jac starts digging a fall-out shelter*
Yeah, she lies and cheats so your solution is to omit your truths and you want to take this history into a long-term relationship where you think you can put your lack of balls and integrity behind you without the new woman realising because you won't be honest with her about it. Stylish. | |
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Posted: 6/26/2012 1:42:53 AM | | In other words you are doing the very same thing to her. You are saying you are wanting a relationship with someone for long term, yet she is seeing others while you are just hanging in there for the fwb part of it. Selfish comes to mind here. While you may not be bedding others and she is you are not actually interested in being in a relationship with her. | |
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Posted: 6/26/2012 4:11:18 AM | Everyone is hitting things nicely on this, but I'll add my version, in case it helps make the point:
OP, you are playing a game with yourself and with us, that is common to self-righteous liars everywhere. Because you have managed to label someone else as "defective," you claim and believe that this makes it OK for you to set aside your simultaneously claimed "higher standards of behavior," and do unto others, what you pretend you find disgusting.
You believe:
1. "It's ok and honorable to cheat on a cheater."
2. "It's okay to lie or mislead a liar."
3. "If I pretend that I'm okay with using someone as an FWB, who I haven't told is an FWB, while also despising them secretly, and I then look for 'nice girl' with whom to have a 'real' relationship, then I have a clean and saintly soul."
Bottom line, stop telling yourself that you can wrestle a pig in the sty, and still go home smelling like a rose.
Or, using my own wise saying;
"If your morals or beliefs change, according to how much you like or respect someone, then you HAVE NO MORALS OR BELIEFS." | |
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Posted: 6/26/2012 4:48:08 AM | That's disgusting.
I wouldn't want anything to do with you....as either the new girl or the "FWB". | |
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Posted: 6/26/2012 6:10:13 AM |
Is it ok to date other people while in this situation and not tell the person you are seeing?
Not for me personally. But I would never be in that situation.
Although I am not sure of the specifics of the question.
Are you asking
"can I bang my FWB while dating other people, and not tell my FWB, but I would tell the people I am dating I have a FWB?"
"Can I bang my FWB while dating other people, and not tell my FWB that I am dating others, and not tell the people I am dating that I am banging this other girl?"
"Can I bang my FWB while dating other people, tell my FWB about my dates, but I wouldn't tell my dates that I am banging my FWB?"
I feel bad doing it
That kind of answers your question, doesn't it?
Your question starting out as
Is it ok...
If you feel bad about it, then it's not ok for you to do it.
Or are you looking for others to be responsible for your decisions?
Do you think if we say "yeah! It's okay!" that you feeling bad about it will magically go away?
I would prefer to be a relationship
You are in a relationship.
Just not the one you idealize.
So either make the most of this one, or create one in cooperation with someone else more to your liking.
Anything else you are just playing games.
currently enjoy my time with her.
No. Really? You get laid without any real commitment or responsibility. Your relationship is one of basically 2 people using each other to feel good in the short term.
My plan is to find someone I can be in a serious relationship with and then dissolve this current situation.
Sounds kind of like a junkie. "I can stop anytime. I don't have a career, so I don't need to stop. If I had a career I'd stop using, I just want to get a career before I stop using." | |
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Posted: 6/26/2012 6:48:27 AM | Senario one. You meet someone else that really digs you, then she realizes that you are still f vucking this woman, she tells you to take a hike.
Senario two. You stay with the current person, waiting for the next one. Nothing sort of bites, but your feelings for her keep getting bigger and bigger, until she tells you to that "it's not you, it's her, and it's over."
Senario three. You ask this girl after one incredible session of pure sex if she is interested in becoming exclusive. She says yes, you give it a try, she says no, you break the relationship and move on.
There are many options to take. The problem is that when you are still involved with someone, it makes it more difficult for you and the new person to start a relationship with the intent of making it long term. | |
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