| | Cannot get over an ex I left three years agoPage 1 of 1 | | I am a twenty five year old single of a five year old boy. I left my ex about three years ago and can’t seam to do anything to get over her; she was twenty two years old. It is not like I am anti social or don’t date other women but no one seems to fill that empty space quite the way she did. I was married and divorced before I met her. I am not sure if that has anything to do with this situation. I left her because I could not take her constant drug use and behavior; and probably my trust issues. But when she was not using she was the best woman in the world. Can anyone inform me on my issue? I can’t seem to do anything to leave her in the past. I have attempted to try and get back into her life but all she says is that she is still real hurt by me leaving and it hurts too much to see me. Does anyone have any advice for me? Should I just date as many women as it takes till I forget? What should I do to fix this? | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 6/28/2012 2:31:25 AM | You already know that after three years, you should be further along then you are now. Different people take different amounts of time but you haven't been able to connect the logic that her issues were bigger then you could or should have had to fix.
You have a 5 year old son to consider and since he was 2, you have been stuck and not moving forward. For his sake, seek professional help so you can leave this woman in your past and move forward with your child. Don't keep attempting to get back into her life. Her behaviors are not what you want as an example to your son. YOU are what he needs as an example - so be the best example you can be. | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 6/28/2012 4:46:50 AM | Obviously, it isn't that you can't get over her, it's that you wont.
You tied a whole lot of dreams and life goals into that relationship, and when it went down the tubes because it was the wrong one, you held on to the same dreams and desires. Those in turn are still tied to her in your mind, so you are still dragging her around with you.
You have to do what would be done with a therapist, which is to separate out within yourself, the things you want from life, and your hungers, desires, and remaining anger at her, and at the world for your not getting what you "deserved." Re arrange in your mind where these elements belong, so that you can free yourself from tying the past to the future all the time. | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 6/28/2012 6:24:45 AM | | Thank you very much for your input; I sort of had feel therapy might be the way to go maybe I just need someone to tell me that. I am not sure why I feel the need to be with her. The very reason I left her is to be a better example for my son and so I could raise him in the best situation possible. I think the kicker for me was that when she was acting normal she had so many perfect mother qualities to her. And if she were to get her life straightened out I could see myself with her forever. | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 6/28/2012 6:33:22 AM | | That makes a lot of since to me; I tied me wanting to have a family on my side for my son to go to for support. Including her as a parental figure, not a new mom he already has a mom in his life but some one that would be around. I think we were just on different levels in our two lives and I saw so much more potential in her. I think therapy is probably a good choice because I have no idea how to even start to restructure all my goals and dreams without her in them. | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 6/28/2012 11:50:20 AM | How much contact do you still have with her?
If you have a child together, where does that child lives with, you or her?
Limit contact with her. Start going out with other women. Go to therapy if you can. | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 6/29/2012 5:10:53 PM | What we've got thus far:
Young couple, one of which was married previously, one of which had/has a drug problem and a young child in the mix.
So, OP, you continue to compartmentalize this woman as a "good mother" when she was effectively living a double life (drugs and whatever else) that literally destroyed your relationship.
Three years ago this happend ? You're severely stuck in past. It's as if you have determined SHE is the key to the future yet, as you tell it, she destroyed the past and is effectively impeading your present and future.
If drug free, she has rights to the child as biological mom. You have not come to grip that she is not up to the job since you melt everytime you see her good side "off drugs".
Mixing another women into this (dating) is not likely to help advance your cause.
Focus on your child. Keep the ex at a distance.
Stop giving her free rent in your head and in your life.
This is the time to be a great Dad and that means making tough decisions. | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 6/29/2012 6:35:22 PM | I am so sorry for your emotional pain. It's time to get into some therapy to see why you are having a hard time moving on.
Perhaps you are safe if you are frozen and another woman can not hurt you the way your x did ?
It is so important to keep movning forward in life. You can do this, I know it's hard but its life.
Good Luck to you. | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:11:33 PM | I agree with Carolann about trying an al-anon group.
you will meet others in your type of situation.
you will find hope and perhaps direction.
counseling is a good choice too.
you can do both. al-anon is free. | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 7/2/2012 3:27:21 PM | | I was in a similar situation, and for four years! The solution is this: mend the relationship with her. Become good friends but nothing more. Sit down with her one last time, talk about child care/expenses/custody/whatever then wish her good luck and get her to do the same. You will feel reliefed and ready for a new person in your life. Cut any unnecessary communication with her and reject any advances from her, and remove her from your facebook so you won't have to see her pictures all the time. You know it's over all what u need is a graceful ending.. | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 7/2/2012 9:32:46 PM | | I think you need to ask yourself is it worth it to have strong feelings for someone who abuses who they are with drugs and emptiness.....Or too give yourself to anyone in that way...Again I think it is a pride and not hurt issue on her side.You can try as hard as you want man but until she opens the door you must walk away and trust that things will work out...... | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 7/4/2012 11:16:43 AM | Reading these replies a lot of people give sound and practical advice.
I think they are great and should be explored.
However ... another point missed. Emotions! Sometimes in life we come across somebody that mirrors us, we form a bond, this happens for reasons that they share characteristics of our carers in our early life tho at the time we may not be consciously aware of this all we know is that the other person feels familiar. Brings back pleasant feelings.
In this guys case if you read what he says, he acknowledges she had problems with drugs etc etc yet added when she was clean she was a wonderful person and he saw potential in her. Maybe part of his problem is having to live with the fact that he could not have 'the nice person all the time' and so he ruminates going over and over again replaying the instances where she was clean of drugs imagining what the future could have been like.
Having gone thru something similar myself and still being in the situation where tho I am trying to date again I am comparing so I know I am not totally cured it helped me to go and see a counsellor and take a short course of antidepressants to stop me ruminating.
I am coming to accept that perhaps I shall never find somebody that connected with me as my ex but there again if I dont try I am writing myself off. | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 7/20/2012 9:38:08 AM | how are you now, still in the situation you've posted? i'm abit lately on forum and new here. well
I think it depend on your heart think you can't so you can't get over it, or think you can then you can get over her.
Just open your mind open your eyes. :) just don't waste your time with what impossible too long.
I've ever tried hard too, to get over my guy. And finally i can do it. Now i feel free to be by myself, cause also have friends here when am alone. | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 7/20/2012 9:58:46 AM | I don't believe you can have any kind of relationship with someone that has a substance abuse problem.
If you were so attracted to her, I might wonder if you have kind of unresolved issues of you own... possibly an alcoholic parent?
I don't know... but the alanon program was a good suggestion for you. | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 7/31/2012 12:21:09 PM | | Is it that obvious? I did not think I had any issues form my dad being an alcoholic I thought I had come to terms with it. To tell you the truth I have not even connected the two. | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 8/2/2012 2:04:42 PM | | Being a female who left my four year relationship with a meth user; he got to wierd and tweeked around the three acre property we managed. Doing what I really don't know but sometimes I'd hear him banging around in his shed out back? I moved out to a house share arrangement; it was great. Three men and two dogs; we were a happy family. We saw each other when he was not on a tweek, but I eventually moved to florida. I also cannot get over him; we still talk, text, sext, share pictures. If only he'd give it up I'd go back to him; but I don't think after using for all these years he is going to change. Keep the happy memories and move on; it is difficult but there are many more fish in the sea as they say. Even at my age there are opportunities out there I just have to trust that they are good ones. | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 8/2/2012 3:46:29 PM | | I feel for you man, but you just gotta snap yourself out of it. Think about the economic and emotional consequences of holding onto the memories of a bad relationship. One, you spend time thinking about her. Two, your time could be better spent on other things (like learning car mechanics). Three, your time could be translated to making money (ie if you became a good car mechanic, you can fix peoples' cars on the side). Or think about how much you could do for your son if you didn't spend your time thinking about her. Try to get over it and realize that your time equals money, thus you are wasting money on her. And you've been wasting it for the past three years. | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 8/8/2012 1:07:30 PM | | As hard and painfull as it is you have to move on bud. Maybe try one last romantic gesture to get her back but if she dosn't feel the same there is nothing else but to meet someone else. You will never truly get over her but the hurt will get less overtime and you can still be happy by meeting someone else. | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 8/9/2012 12:27:37 PM | Part of your taking so long is your age IMO.
Part is I think you had a child together?
You are the Father and she is the Mother?
Anyhoo.
I have seen people mourn and go on about lost love/being screwed over 10-15 even 20 years.
Think hard about that. REALLY HARD.
You think no other will get you like she did or be as fabulous as she was when she was fabulous, please you or make you feel so high.
I tell you there will be.
Sometimes we just have to choose to do things very very difficult.
One step/day at a time.
Reward yourself with things you enjoy doing, not just dating other women/sex.
Get involved with your kids activities.
Heartbreak can be devastating and make you ill.
Get busy.
Make new friends, reach out to the ones you have that won't indulge you going on about it.. | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 8/9/2012 6:11:36 PM |
I can’t seem to do anything to leave her in the past.
Should I just date as many women as it takes till I forget?
Sounds like OCD.. alanon is a good start however cognitive-behavioral therapy might be a more suitable approach.
Good luck to you.. | |
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| Cannot get over an ex I left three years ago
Posted: 8/13/2012 10:02:30 PM | Brotherman,
First of all, forget what others say on here. It is ok to want your ex back, it is natural to want to save the family...
as guys we are genetically to fight to keep our families safe.
I will tell you that one day soon, you will have to sit down and get your thoughts together to look at the reality of the situation. The truth is, she wasn't the one for you and there's not a darned thing you can do to change her mind. Accept the reality and sit down and cry it out, get it out of your system. Ac cept that some people can be unappreciative and cruel. Also acept that somethings aren't meant to be.
The fact that you are bothered with this says a lot about you. You care and it is obvious and this is a good thing....especially in today's disposable society where nothing is sacred.
Just how long do you intend to mourn this loss? What are the consequences? You have a little one to look after.
When the time is right, grow a pair and get up. It will be time to go and groom yourself for your next adventure....except now you have a little one to look after.
I'll pray for your recovery and your little one.
Roberto | |
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