| | Am I being selfish?Page 1 of 1 | I have a daughter that will be 18 this coming week. I have raised her without help from her father except for the support that the court ordered. I have tried to be the best parent possible and have always been there for her. I pretty much gave up having a life of my own in order to raise her. I tried dating when she was about 13-14 and I found out she was telling a friend of mine that i was going out all the time and staying out all night and that she never knew where I was, which was a complete lie and of course the so-called "friend" tells me I need to stay home with my kid but yet she had managed to go out with men and get remarried and had kids still at home.
My daughters boyfriend is 21 and a high school dropout and does not have a job and sleeps on his grandma's couch and gets $200 a month in food stamps. No I did not want my daughter with him but knew if I told her no she would just sneak and see him so I allowed her to see him either here with me watching them or at his grandmas house. Well, they are now having a baby after having sex at his grandma's. I have bought pretty much everything this baby needs when its born.
I recently went in for gall bladder surgery and it didnt go well. I was in the hospital almost two weeks and now have blood clots in my lungs and on blood thinners and had to give myself shots in my stomach and have been told by my doctors I cannot do anything strenuous and will need help at home. My daughter decided she doesnt want to help me at all and moved out. She has no money, no job, a year of high school left, a baby on the way and a loser boyfriend and is now telling everyone I kicked her out and everyone is turning against me.I wasnt expecting her to do everything for me just be here if I needed help with certain things. I have never needed her to help me before and I just feel hurt that now that i need her she turned her back on me.
How have any of you dealt with a selfish child? Or do you think I am being the selfish one?
If she wanted to come home i would have no problem with that and if she wants the baby stuff i will gladly give it to her, when she moved out i told her to take it because it was for the baby but she left it and she wont even answer my texts or anything. | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:59:07 AM | I think when you started dating the first time your daughter was calling the shots. If it was lies why didn't you punish her? And keep on dating? You gave in way to easy. Your daughter did not lick it off a stone. You allowed her behaviour and even rewarded her when she got pregnant at 17 by buying the baby what it needed.
You let her away with way to much but it's your fault. She was never reprimanded for the way she acted. You reward her bad behaviour?
Don't have any contact with her. Until she matures and learns to respect you. She will need you way before you will ever need her.
Smexi | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 6/30/2012 12:11:47 PM | | Thank you for your reply. Yes I allowed the behavior and i did punish her but it doesnt seem to have ever had any effect on her. She has stolen money from me and make-up and wont do her chores that was required of her and if I try to make her do anything or punish her for the things she has done wrong then she says I am pushing her away and that i am to blame. I have tried to instill morals in my children (I have an 11yo also) and make them see how important it is to be honest and trustworthy and caring and this is how I live my life and I have been taken advantage of a lot. I hate it that my own child is treating me this way and just doesnt seem to care about anyone but herself and her boyfriend. | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 6/30/2012 12:38:13 PM | It's so easy to see the mistakes we makes as parents after the event but based on your posting, you didn't learn from them and continued to repeat the same patterns.
Whether you realize it or not, you resent raising your child 'without help from her father except for the support that the court ordered' and that comes out in your statements. It's also clear that because you feel you stepped up for your daughter, she owes you. Almost as if you parenting was conditional on terms to be revealed later when it suited you.
Rather then dealing with the issue of you dating when she was 13/14, you endorsed her behavior of lying by rewarding her because you stopped dating. She wins - she got what she wanted. You allowed your daughters manipulation (via a friend and lies) to over rule your choice which taught her that worked.
You are trying to control her as if she was a toddler. You have yet to learn that you can't control anyone other then yourself. Stop it. The problem with control is that once they get to their teen years, they want to rebel. Your daughter has not been allowed to make mistakes and face natural consequences and so she she's you as the sole enforcer and has yet to understand the picture is bigger then that. She has only ever faced your consequences so she deems you are the source of the issue and is rebelling against you.
So - she's moved out. Not your problem. She has no job. Not your problem. She hasn't finished High School. Not your problem. Let her figure out the consequences of her choices. She has to be allowed to learn without you acting as a buffer to the world.
All children are selfish to an extent - but more so when parents don't give them the skills they need. You have wrapped her up and protected her. You protected her from having to accept the world doesn't revolve around her when she was 13/14 when you should have reassured her that dating would not replace her. You wrapped her up when she got pregnant by providing what she needed rather then letting her figure out how she was going to provide for her child.
Let her learn now. Let her know the lines of communication are open and you are there if she needs you. And let her figure it out. Allow her to fail at something and learn - you can help her pick up the pieces if she asks you to, just don't do it for her. Act as a support not a complete solution.
As a parent, we are meant to 'give them roots to keep them grounded and give them wings so they can fly'. Stop clipping her wings. and she may surprise you. And stop trying to control her into coming to help you following your surgery. That has to be a gift she gives you of her own free will not as the result of being owed.
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 6/30/2012 1:05:11 PM | You are correct about a lot of things in your post and yes I have made mistakes and I am also learning from them just like all parents. first of all I dont resent raising my child at all with or without help from her father. Yes i do hate that her father chose not to be a part of her life but it is not her fault he wasnt around. Second of all, I dont feel I "stepped up" for my daughter, I raised her and loved her just like millions of other parents do everyday and no I dont feel like she owes me anything. Would I have liked for her to be here for me when I need her, yes I would but it is not required but I do feel hurt that she turned her back on me. I am not trying to control her, believe me if I was controlling then she wouldnt be a pregnant teenager but i knew I had to give her space and allow her to make decisions for herself even if they werent the correct ones.
Also, I have not withheld the baby stuff from her. I told her she could have it NO MATTER WHAT because I bought it all for the baby and nothing is the baby's fault. If she doesnt want to help me then its her choice but as someone who actually cares about people I would not withhold the baby's stuff and as far as providing stuff for the baby thats because neither one of them have a job or anything and my grandbaby is not coming into this world without what it needs.
Thank you for your advice! Like I said I have made mistakes and am learning from them but i do not resent raising my daughter and I am not withholding anything from her as some sort of "punishment". | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 6/30/2012 1:32:50 PM |
wont do her chores that was required of her and if I try to make her do anything or punish her for the things she has done wrong
I cannot help but wonder how many chores were expected. I easily understand how somone would not take something as the implied control or manipulation is too big a price to pay! Better to do it or find other sources than to take assistance from an individual who they see as having implied or stated coercion.
The father bailed....perhaps he did not bail on the child?
I am not trying to control her, believe me if I was controlling then she wouldnt be a pregnant teenager but i knew I had to give her space and allow her to make decisions for herself even if they werent the correct ones.
One should perhaps realize that controlling parents are not able to watch or manage their children 24/7....lots of controlling parents have children who make the wrong choice...or made a choice to have children as a tool to escape the controlling rigid home.
I had few chores...few rules and really only expected accomplishments in school. In fact I now have comments about what they did not do to assist me growing up....but both seemingly do well in school and have good morals and good decision making skills as I allowed them to make many choices growing up.
It is after all empowering them to understand they are themselves architects of their own life. It is not teaching children how badly you were made to be a victim....it is teaching them how to make successful choices and how one deals with the consequences of their choices...as opposed to blaming others for why they are there. | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 6/30/2012 8:11:50 PM | No one can be as perfect or infallible as you are tealwood..
It would seem that since the father did not help raise the child physically that he did bail on the child.. or so I would infer from the statement op made..
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I cannot help but wonder how many chores were expected. I easily understand how somone would not take something as the implied control or manipulation is too big a price to pay! Better to do it or find other sources than to take assistance from an individual who they see as having implied or stated coercion.
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this makes no sense... I think kids should have chores.. and there is no set "right" number of them.. i know kids with less then mine has and kids with more then mine has.. If they don't like it then tough. They are a part of the household they can contribute to it. And I will insist they are completed or there are consequences.
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It is not teaching children how badly you were made to be a victim....it is teaching them how to make successful choices and how one deals with the consequences of their choices...as opposed to blaming others for why they are there.
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I did not get this at all in the op statement.. You however read it in just about every post a single mother makes.. It would be MORE helpful if you would take the bitterness and the agenda out of your response and actually answer the question posed..
To the OP
No. I do not believe you are being selfish. I do agree that you enabled your child to feel as though what she wants supersedes everything else in life including respecting you. I think it's deplorable that she moved out the way you describe she did and I agree that it's time you just sit back and wait until real life smacks into her and she comes running back. When she does.. you sit her down.. and lay out the rules and expectations. Just because she is 18 doesn't give her the right to disrespect you or your household.
We can sit here and say you should have done this or that or not done this or that, or you did this right and this wrong all day long. We can all do that about any parent out there.. however doing that won't solve the immediate issue. What you need to do is make yourself important again, and explain to her, when the time is right, that you will help her when you can, but you are only going to do so on your own terms. That is exactly what I would do and it's what I do now, even with my son only being 13. (although it is tailored to the fact that he is 13).. Set the expectations and tell her exactly what will happen if she doesn't adhere to them.. and then stick to it. Doesn't' sound like you've stuck to consequences posed much in the past. Change that now. It's not to late. she will either leave or conform and that's not up to you. | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 7/1/2012 7:55:48 AM | WOW your a very bitter and hateful woman!! This hole post is all about self pitty!!
You start off slaming the father," I have raised her without help from her father except for the support that the court ordered." So indeed you DID have help! I really doudt after reading this POST everyone else is to blame.
I just cant go on, I am sick of people blamming everyone else for their own problems...Now I know why you have a ex! Grow up and take responceablity for your own action...
As for your kid, let her grow up and make mistakes....STOP covering her and let her grow up! Stop protecting her and let her hit rock bottom cuss apprently you did a shitty job as a mother. I can say that cuss all you have done is blame everone else for your problem.....grow up and seek counsling...
Dont let your daughter back into the house.....let her hit rock bottom and still dont let her in...
WOW you really need counsling.....You need DR PHIL!! | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 7/1/2012 9:42:43 AM |
How have any of you dealt with a selfish child?
All the time,but, my daughter is not one of them.
Don't know where to start,or finish OP, but you are in a world of shiat storms if you keep letting this crap go own. I would suggest it's actually probably too little,too late if your daughter is the age of which you speak. She's made her choices and,well, it's time she deals with them. You????? Well, I wouldn't be looking for a whole lot of "help" from that kid of yours, she's got enough troubles of her own.
Good luck, though, from my experince, it ain't gonna help. Sorry. | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 7/2/2012 5:31:32 PM | My guess is she will have the kid and realize the bf is a loser only to come back to mom again. It doesn't sound like the bf is a threat to her in terms of pimpin
her out, beating on her but I always put my daughters physical safety first. You sound kinda burned out, sorry to hear it. I had that surgery 5 years ago so I don't know why you took a turn for the worse.
Kids have to know how to communicate with their parent, what's tolerable and what isn't. Our greatest weapon is psychological because they kinda know we don't want them to screw up their lives once they are given the opportunity to make their own decisions. They know we will be there for them and in most cases lay our lives down for them.
Wish you the best though. | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 7/2/2012 6:37:13 PM | | I'd have to go with Confuzzled on this one, only to add at her age, it's probably a phail. It's an attempt worth taking though. I don't know what you did right or wrong, and I won't pretend to know you. It's a tough job being parent from beginning to end, and it may go great, right up to the end, and then turn south. You never know... | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 7/4/2012 3:16:21 PM | | I think your daughter is doing exactly what she needs to do...and her lesson in life is called the hard way...If she doesnt listen to you thats fine, but dont let walk all over y0u trying to come back with her baby issues...............She chose to live her life and you have to live yours. Why suffer when she is out doing exactly as she wants, leave her alone and let her learn her lesson and when she comes back for the baby stuff tell her you gave it to someone else. Why let her drag you around like a dog......no way.........do tough love....and let her live how she wants.......and later after she has been through hell she will be kissing your feet.. | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 7/5/2012 6:19:59 AM | You need to focus on getting well. Your daughter is raised. You cannot keep her from continuing to make stupid decisions. She will either get her shit together when her child is born or she'll continue making decisions that are detrimental to herself and the child. Even if your daughter is telling everyone on the planet that you kicked her out, are all of these people stupid as hell that they don't realize that 18-year-olds have a very skewed perception of their own lives and that they out and out lie even when they don't perceive their actions as misrepresenting things?
I've experienced similar disappointment with my kids relative to taking care of me after a significantly major surgery. They are kids, you are toast if you take their behavior as indicative of whether they love you. There wasn't really anything that I couldn't do for myself if I moved slowly enough and did ridiculous things like taking one wet towel at a time from the washer to the dryer. You are seriously better off alone if you truly have no friends that will help you.
Your daughter will likely come back when she has no choice. You need to figure out how to navigate having an adult daughter and grandchild living with you which means you sit down and really talk with your daughter and if she won't do that you need to tell her you'd like to help but she needs to understand that she is an adult, her main responsibility is to her child, and you aren't running a hotel. She wants you to treat her with respect but that goes both ways.
This is easier said than done when the grandchild is there but your choice now is to continue to have a relationship that is really screwed up or to work toward having a better one. And if you let her come back and behave the way she has been allowed to behave without being accountable or responsible you are only hurting her in the long run and hurting that grandbaby who needs a mother not an adolescent who doesn't want to grow up.
Before everyone jumps all over my butt I've been down this road with a 33-year-old stepson (and his 7, yes I said 7, kids) and am dealing with the 20-year-old daughter who wants to be treated like an adult while she often behaves like a 2-year-old. It's a difficult line one walks with the adult child between helping and enabling. | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 7/5/2012 10:14:55 AM |
I think when you started dating the first time your daughter was calling the shots
I see it this way too. She sounds like a spoiled brat. You further aided by buying all for her unborn baby, as well as supported her at 18 and no job and staying at home. I know you love her and would do anything for her and the unborn, but, she has learned from an early age, how to be spoiled.
I do not think you are selfish in wanting her to help you out though. | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 7/5/2012 8:28:32 PM | I dont think she got prenant on grandma's couch. I hope your daughter gets on BC the same week her baby is born. Wasnt she a bit young to be dating that man? sorry....
What you're experiencing is not abnormal. Kids her age are not always giving a crap about what the parent needs. They dont want to be responsible for a parent's problems. You might get your ten year old to help you out ... I look at my brood and I know my ten year old is one I could ask for assistance ..... and get it... more than I could expect from the older ones.
I dont think you are being selfish. I believe your feelings are hurt. a lot! sigh... Be very grateful for the money you got to raise your daughter. The dad could have taken custody and you may have had a whole different situation. Hang in there the best you can. The apple cart is about to turn upside down.
I guess she moved out of her bedroom in your house and is now shacking up on grandma's couch? If I were you I would try to get her to sign up for some discount housing so if things go south with loser BF she will have some independence. | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 7/6/2012 10:43:36 AM | Your daughter is 18, immature and very selfish and if you are looking for any kind of respect or logical thinking from her you aren't going to get any. She has been allowed to call the shots at home since she was in middle school and you have been afraid to tell her no since she was 13.
You have a terrible relationship with your daughter and as a result she treats you like garbage. Most kids behave because they fear the consequences and are afraid to disapoint those that love them, you never gave her that skill set because she never had to face any consequences for being a selfish whiny little brat.
Wish her the best of luck, tell her you love her, stop listening to gossip and return all the crap you bought. She will never understand the cost, time and care requirements of a baby if you do it all for her. Let her raise the kid she conceived or give it up for adoption. If she is not raising the child properly then call social services every time you see an issue. The kid is either going to pass or fail this life test.
PS: And be prepared to raise your own Grandchild in about a year or so. | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 7/7/2012 3:20:10 AM | I think she is being selfish, all new all good and i believe she will be back one day
its normal they will turn against you from what she is telling without them knowing the whole scene, sad sometimes when kids dont realise what they are doing , you will give advice , talk , try to do whats good for them at this age its like talking to a wall sometimes,hope you have other people who you can talk to , i could say let her live and dont care about her anymore, but i do know its not common for a mum to do that to her child , life ... | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 7/7/2012 11:05:22 AM | I'm curious as to why you allowed her to date a 21 year old to begin with? If she's not yet 18, then at 17, as far as I know, the proximity of age clause for consent is still in effect. If I had a man in his 20s buzzing around my underage child, then I'd be calling the police and having him arrested, not allowing him to come see her in my home.
I also agree with others that her attitude towards you is entirely brought upon you by the way YOU raised her to be. YOU taught her that the world revolves around her and her wants and to hell with anyone else. You allowed her to control your life when she was a young girl, and so she learned that she can manipulate you into doing what she wants by guilting you. Few children are accepting when their parents start to date again, but the point is you allowed your daughter (and your friend) into guilting you into living your life the way they wanted you to rather than teaching your child about HEALTHY dating/relationships.
As for saying that a child doesn't have an obligation to assist an ill parent, I call bullocks on that one. I was raised to believe that families respect and support each other in times of need (and by support, that doesn't necessarily mean financially). If your daughter walked rather than be there for you when you were ill, that's because you raised her to believe that that kind of behaviour is acceptable and that family is not important. In the end, it comes down to the source of your problems with your daughter being YOU.
Now, if you want to actually do something FOR your daughter, let her face the consequences of her actions for once in her life. How is anyone supposed to learn to act responsibly if there's always someone there holding a safety net for them? She's chosen to make mistakes in her life and yet you're still there trying to fix them for her. Why would you buy her all the baby stuff she needs instead of actually allowing her to figure it out for herself? She chose to have sex and get pregnant, thus SHE should be having to provide for the child, NOT YOU. Personally, I'd return the baby stuff and allow her to support her own child....but then again, I was also raised to have a work ethic and not expect things to just be given to me because I want/need them. | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 7/31/2012 7:39:20 PM | You need to set some boundaries for her and stick with them. I know you want what is best for the baby. But as long as you buy the baby everything it needs...she gets to sit on her butt and do nothing b/c she knows you'll pick up the slack. The sooner you fix that the better. So it's simple the baby's parents figure it out or it's neglect of the baby. In that case you call CPS. It sucks but its the only way to know if mom/dad will ever step up. The other option is to continue being walked as a sacrafice for buying this baby what it needs. If you pick door #2 stop complaining b/c hey you picked it.
And start teaching your younger kiddo to respect your boundaries. My kiddos understand they have to help. If they want to eat the groceries I bought, the snacks they picked out, they better unload them and put them away. If they want to eat a warm dinner, they better have their chores done on time. If they want clean clothes they better get the dirty ones to the laundry room. It only takes a few times for them to realize you're serious and then they get with the program. Really how many times are you going to eat cold food or wear jeans in the heat of summer cuz your shorts are dirty? No they'll get it together cuz the consequences of their actions SUCK. | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 8/1/2012 1:58:50 PM | | WOW!! No offense but..... It seems to me that you lost control of your home and relationship with your daughter a long time ago. Its too late now to try and be the parent you want to be and have your daughter be the daughter you want her to be. You are very passive and you have allowed your "friends" and your child to dictate your life..... This is all very sad but you can get some control back by finding someone who will come in and help you in your home. Also tell your daughter if she wants to be grown she needs to come get the baby items you have for the baby or you will find someone who will appreciate them. Then let her know you will no longer be her scape goat. If she wants a positive relationship with you then she needs to give you the respect you deserve as a mother!! .... FYI you may need a life coach to help you be more assertive towards the people in your life.... Good luck!! | |
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| Am I being selfish?
Posted: 8/1/2012 7:31:33 PM | She's playing you, and if this "selfish" behavior is new or is she acting out since the babe was conceived?
If there is alcohol/drug abuse in your world it may be the issue. Yours or hers.
If not, maybe just hormones and loneliness.
Do not get wrapped up in her blame/excuses/games. Get help for yourself, you're going to need to learn how to deal with her and what your options are regarding your grandchild.
Can you do this? If you are hesitating, just think how difficult it is going to be for her to admit/work on.
Best of luck. | |
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