| | Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairsPage 1 of 7 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7) | If you went on a couple of dates with someone and in the course of the date they explained that the reason their previous monogamous relationship ended was because s/he had an affair would this be a deal breaker for you?
It would be for me. What about you? | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:17:31 PM | It would be for me too.
Monogamy is very important to me and IMO, it takes not just opportunity but a certain mind-set to have an affair. I don't believe, if someone has that mindset, that it ever goes. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:36:14 PM | Not necessarily.
I'd be interest to know what prompted the person to have an affair.
I know many women who, after a few years in a relationship, decide sex is a "chore" and their man is no longer on their to-do list. Yet expect "monogamy."
I know men who are or become too busy with work, golf, poker, sand buggies, softball and the gym to nurture a relationship. Yet expect "monogamy."
I know women who feel men are little more than idiot children and need to be nagged and harangued for years, verbally castrating them. Yet expect "monogamy."
If the person explained that the reason their previous monogamous relationship (marriage) ended was because s/he had long ago stopped loving, honoring and cherishing their partner, is that a deal breaker? | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:51:04 PM | No, this wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. I have dated women that told me about their previous affair while married. When I was single I did have an affair with a married women.
Never wanted or did have an affair while married, it would have caused too much pain for my ex-wife and likely it would have complicated my life. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:57:42 PM | Previous affairs? NO.
One previous affair - it would depend on the circumstances. It would be great to just take a moral high ground and say 'No, never' but I know that people make mistakes, and people can learn from those mistakes.
I started seeing someone a few months ago. On our third date he mentioned something about 'I made that one mistake in 35 years...'. Seeing a confused look on my face, he then said 'Oh God, I thought I had told you already'. Yes, his 35 year marriage ended because he had an affair. I used my finely honed gut instincts :) and life experience to make the judgement call that I would continue to see him regardless of this 'mistake'. I took a couple of days to reach that decision but I felt comfortable with it. A couple of our following dates were 4 wheel driving days so we had plenty of time to talk it all through and he was completely honest, accepted responsibility for his actions, was remorseful.
Ultimately, after a few more dates we decided there wasn't enough 'chemistry' between us to pursue a romantic relationship and have just remained friends. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 4:05:26 PM | Absolutely THE END.
All the 'reasons' mean what? When this person feels it justified they can cheat on their partner and lie? If someone has integrity they end a relationship and then seek another partner.
I have never cheated on a partner. Period. No 'if's and 'because' blah, blah.... when I wasn't satified in a relationship I ended it. Even if 'I' was not in a relationship I have no desire to have sex with a woman who is a cheat herself. This would make me an accomplice in her lies...no thanks.
hint...if a woman thinks that the guy who justified his affair or shows remorse is a new person then...Ha! Ha!Ha!....you are delusional, a drama queen or just plain not too smart. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 4:09:11 PM |
I know many women who, after a few years in a relationship, decide sex is a "chore" and their man is no longer on their to-do list. Yet expect "monogamy."
I know men who are or become too busy with work, golf, poker, sand buggies, softball and the gym to nurture a relationship. Yet expect "monogamy."
I know women who feel men are little more than idiot children and need to be nagged and harangued for years, verbally castrating them. Yet expect "monogamy."
I don't care what the justifications are - if a relationship isn't working, fix it or get out. Have the spine to finish one before starting another. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 4:15:32 PM | @Sciencetreker I agree that there is no reason that can justify cheating. None.
I wouldn't date someone who tried to convince me their affair was not their fault - for any reason. That doesn't mean people can't learn from their mistakes and never make them again. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 4:26:33 PM | My first reaction was "Hell, no!" However, if it is something they did when they were much younger, I would consider it. As mentioned, people do sometimes have lapses of judgement. I would at least listen to them, but it would likely give me serious reservations.
If it was something that had recently occurred, I would likely pass. My first wife had affair during our marriage when she was in her 20's. She I'd in her 40's now, and is likely a very different person and has likely matured a lot. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 4:29:00 PM | | i had an affair while my marriage was disentegrating at the end. not proud of it, but in the meantime i was looking for divorce lawyers. sometimes i tell the guy i'm dating sometimes not about thise days. it was a long time ago, best forgotton. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 4:43:22 PM |
Absolutely THE END.
All the 'reasons' mean what? When this person feels it justified they can cheat on their partner and lie? If someone has integrity they end a relationship and then seek another partner.
I have never cheated on a partner. Period. No 'if's and 'because' blah, blah.... when I wasn't satified in a relationship I ended it. Even if 'I' was not in a relationship I have no desire to have sex with a woman who is a cheat herself. This would make me an accomplice in her lies...no thanks.
And you had all this wisdom and judgement your entire life? When you were 20 or 25? Or made a single foolish decision that was out of character?
I personally don't believe that a person should be crucified forever for most mistakes. People change, I know that because I have changed in many ways since my youth, so have many people that I have known.
Let he who is without sin... | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 4:46:53 PM |
This is the reason why some things are best left unsaid, I never ask a woman about her past relationships because I may not like the answer. This was always the our "rule" when I was married. "Don't ask a question that you really don't want to know the answer..."
And would I want to date someone who had a affair? Hard to know. On the one hand, it speaks to honestly on his part now but it also speaks to lack of integrity in the past and would that trait (or lack of) be a predominate part of who he is? | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 5:04:27 PM | | It all depends. I value honesty over EVERYTHING so the fact that he would tell me that he did that and that this is what led to the end of a relationship - that kind of honesty is refreshing. I also believe that people can learn from their mistakes. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 5:19:21 PM | It really depends on their feelings about it now.
We have all made mistakes, and realizing those and growing from them only makes you a better person.
If, on the other hand, he justifies and has no remorse that would be a deal breaker. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 6:42:03 PM | | I wouldnt be talking about that sort of thing after a couple of dates. Men are not wired for monogamy and a lot of women either. But it is up to you. If you find the person attractive enough to continue, then take your chances. Does not mean they are going to be players after all. It may have been an isolated incident after a long and perhaps stale marriage. | |
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| Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 7:05:56 PM | A lot of affairs happen b/c someone is unhappily married and too cowardly to face the music and get out of the marriage, but then cannot resist a bit of kindness and attention from someone else.
I'd look for signs the person had grown past that feeling of helplessness and fear. And, as someone else said, for their understanding that while their spouse may have contributed to the unhappy marriage, the cheating was 100% on them.
I suspect we all want guarantees that our partner won't ever cheat on us, but since there is no such thing and cheating is so wide spread, we just have to learn to take the risks inheritant in sharing our hearts and lives with another, and in realizing that the end of a relationship is NOT the end of all happiness. | |
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