| | ConfusedPage 1 of 1 | After a break of two years from internet dating due to becoming disillusioned by peoples behaviour. I decided to try POF as a way to have a bit of fun in the dating sense and to meet new people. A few of my friends had tried this website and had met their future partners. So I thought I would give it a try and did not have any expectations, that is until *Tom* pressed the "wants to meet me" button.
I read Toms profile and looked at his pictures and was, to my surprise, drawn to him. So we mailed each other which then progressed to chatting on the site to texting all in the space of about 10 days. Tom text first thing in the morning through out the day and then we spoke to each other every night . Things were going really well, he would say things like, "our children will be beautiful" etc (I know some of you are rolling your eyes thinking, we've heard all this before) stupidly I took his words on board. We then decided to meet up before our 'real' date which is supposed to be later this month. Dinner went really well and there was an instant attraction and we clicked, it felt I had known him for ages.
We carried on this way until he had to go away on business, he text when he was boarding to go away and stated he would text me that evening but he didn't, I didn't think much of it but after two days of not hearing from him considering how full on he was previously, I knew something was wrong and felt that he had lost interest. I heard from him twice whilst he was away. Then heard from him on the saturday just gone as if nothing had changed. He was full of apologies for not being in contact which I took at face value.
I text him the following day and didn't get a reply, I then called him many hours later as had been the course previously to him going away to which he didn't pick up (alarm bells ringing you may say?)
Is this the way that men on this website operate, or as he is on this site he is hedging his bets, or am I so out of of the dating loop that this is just common practice?
Grateful for you views. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2012 6:01:08 AM | A. He is married
B. He met somebody better
C. He's just not that into you
To answer your question...
No, not every guy on this site is married. Nor will every guy meet somebody better than you. And, no...not every guy will be in to you as little as "Tom" was. This is plentoffish, not intantsoulmate.com/creedthoughts.com. Hang in there, and don't let one man F it all up. By your logic I could be completely anti-marriage because of my divorce, or completely anti-space program because of Challenger. Thicker skin doesn't grow on trees!
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Posted: 7/3/2012 6:02:02 AM | | Sounds like this is the way "Tom" does things. Now, it's up to you to decide how you are going to "do things". Nothing is "common", unless you make it so. It isn't my way, is it yours????? | |
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Posted: 7/3/2012 6:08:47 AM | This is a question you should be asking him, for the sake of knowing if it's a misunderstanding or something you have control of for future reference. We'd only be guessing.
Sometimes situations change, they might already have a relationship going where they were traveling to, or another prospective one, or even meet someone by chance that blocked you out of the picture.
Maybe this trip involved a possible relocation? I don't know how many times someone I just met was already talking about another far off place they intended to move to, so what were they doing with me, passing time?
Not everyone fits into everyone's idea partner or future no matter how much you think you click the other person might be changing needs, finding flaws, warning signs, or problems seeing you with themselves in the long haul and they won't initially tell you until they come to that conclusion through long hard thought or giving you the benefit initially while getting to know you. All in all you can't take it personally or let it affect how you see future prospective relations, nor allow it to drive you away from online dating, because this happens no matter where you meet them. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2012 6:26:13 AM | | The problem isn't with "tom", it's with you. You are WAYYYYY too clingy. The guy is away for 2 days and can't contact you because he's on a BUSINESS TRIP. Then you don't hear from him in 1 day and you are freaking out. I'd be avoiding you, that's for damn sure. Give the man some space. Stop reading into things that aren't there. If he likes you, he'll contact you. If he doesn't, he won't. You've had 1 date? You're not ready to date my dear. And oh, the "our children will be beautiful" line, that's not a dream, that's a sign to run the hell away. You don't say those things AFTER ONE DATE. This "relationship" is completely toxic and it is going to crash and burn no matter what happens. Neither one of you are ready for anything. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2012 6:57:13 AM |
I text him the following day and didn't get a reply, I then called him many hours later as had been the course previously to him going away to which he didn't pick up (alarm bells ringing you may say?)
Actually, no- the alarm bells would have been going off when he said we would have beautiful children. Textbook play for naive women. Next.
You're being played with a capital P. You're naive and he knows it and he wants to get in good with you to sleep with you.
Meanwhile, he's either married or has a gf or is seeing other women- doing the same thing with them.
My advice: Never get in so close with a guy emotionally until you have been dating quite some time and you have observed them a good long while and have a very good sense of who they are and have seen them in their surroundings, have met their friends and family, etc ,etc. Several months at least-
Don't message with guys who make comments like that and get 'involved' on an emotional level before meeting and knowing each other a good while- see above. Meet them and stick to the above. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2012 7:38:13 AM | I read Toms profile and looked at his pictures and was, to my surprise, drawn to him. So we mailed each other which then progressed to chatting on the site to texting all in the space of about 10 days. Tom text first thing in the morning through out the day and then we spoke to each other every night . Things were going really well, he would say things like, "our children will be beautiful" etc (I know some of you are rolling your eyes
Have to say that sounds like he may have the "hit and run" technique down pat. Being relatively attractive with a well-contrived profile, and then choosing some of the infatuated ladies that contact him,
stimulating too much false-intimacy by priming that over-emotional communication "our children", with seemingly constant attention until after the hit-and-run, only then does the "business travel" reduce or end the instant responsiveness..
It is likely "monkey business" travel and he is likely now telling his next target they will have "beautiful children".
As others have said, don't let your loneliness make you jump into another "instant relationship" with the next guy that seems to say all the right words responsively for a WEEK... | |
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Posted: 7/3/2012 7:44:12 AM |
Have to say that sounds like he may have the "hit and run" technique down pat. Being relatively attractive with well-contrived profile, and then choosing some of the infatuated ladies that contact him,
stimulating too much false-intimacy by priming that over-emotional communication "our children", with seemingly constant attention until after the hit-and-run, only then does the "business travel" reduce or end the instant responsiveness.. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2012 8:39:29 AM | | I gotta disagree with a lot of what these people are saying. The emotional hook, bringing up children, coming on strong... those are turn offs to most women. To say that he did it as a hit and run, or he has his technique down pat is just ridiculous. Players don't make THAT kind of emotional gesture because it's an immediate warning sign for women. Clingy, beta-male type stuff. They guy is, or at least was into this girl. It's hard to say now, but either way, both of them are way too clingy and shouldn't be dating. It's a recipe for disaster. Especially if this girl doesn't trust the guy because he didn't text her back within a couple of hours. I mean come on... it all reads recipe for drama and stalking. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2012 9:27:44 AM | Have to point out that this is not an internet thing.. this is a dating thing. This happens from relationships started in real life as well. So dont blame the internet on this one.
From how I read this.. you MAY be a bit clingy here and over thinking things. But he also may be dating other people, be too busy, or maybe hes not that into you. We dont know we can only guess.
To answer your question whether you are out of the loop when it comes to dating; it seems like you are out of the loop.
Best of luck ! :)
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Posted: 7/3/2012 10:14:15 AM | You encountered a serial dater.
Move on, and don't overthink it. Some people like dating for the company it provides while they are away from work, but once work comes up they move on with their life.
Being used like an emotional rag doesn't feel good, but some people out there have their jollies by doing this. Move on, and continue to look for someone that is sincere.
As for this guy being a player, possible given he may have not sealed the deal, and figured it wasn't worth the effort, but the evidence is pretty ambiguous. Although, saying "our children will be beautiful" is a covert form of flattery implying long term implications which may mislead a lot of women from the short term goals of this guy.
Players/serial daters pretty much I despise passionately and try to avoid at all costs.
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Posted: 7/3/2012 10:52:58 AM | Sorry for being so harsh...but here you go...
Is this the way that men on this website operate,
operate? you mean date?
there was an instant attraction and we clicked, it felt I had known him for ages
well...maybe this wasnt true on his end. I wasnt there on the date, nor am I in his head, no idea. Just a thought...
People date, people talk to other people. You met ONCE and expect him to drop everything for you?
Here is my opinion on what happend..mind you..just opinion..
You talked and text for about 2 weeks, met, then it just wasnt what he expected. I think he went on the date and was nice about it....but in his head for the two weeks leading up to it...wasnt what he expected...
or am I so out of of the dating loop that this is just common practice?
The best advice I can give you is expect NOTHING on this site. I stopped dating off this site years ago. Its a joke to me, but to each his own. 80% of females on this site are here for attention....80% of males on this site are trying to get laid...
See how those percentages make this site a cluster ? | |
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Posted: 7/3/2012 10:59:26 AM |
Is this the way that men on this website operate, or as he is on this site he is hedging his bets, or am I so out of of the dating loop that this is just common practice?
It amuses me how often people ask this exact sort of question. "Is this how all internet dating works?" "Is this how all guys are?" "Do you know the way to San Jose?"
Believe it or not, the sign up process for guys, is almost identical to that for gals. They don't give us different rules and procedures, or a secret handshake. It aint a coordinated club here, or anywhere else in the world (oh, except for the Freemasons).
As for any particular guy communicating in fits and spurts (no jokes please), from what I've been and seen, that can happen with anyone, at any time, for lots of reasons. Frankly, someone freaking out about it like this, is one of the things making me a little nervous about dating again. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2012 11:04:39 AM |
Actually, no- the alarm bells would have been going off when he said we would have beautiful children. Textbook play for naive women. Next.
Lighten up... more like textbook playful banter. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2012 11:29:58 AM |
Is this the way that men on this website operate, or as he is on this site he is hedging his bets, or am I so out of of the dating loop that this is just common practice?
Men are people too. Why would you expect them to all behave the same way? | |
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Posted: 7/3/2012 11:30:21 AM | How much time passed between your dinner meet up and him going on business? You say 'it carried on this way until he had to go away on business', in retrospect did it? His messages, were they the same, better or slightly cooler (cooling off either in volume or content more and more prior to his business trip) ??
Him saying he would text that evening he left, but not doing so. well that's fair enough, he may have got caught up in a lot of things upon his arrival at his destination!?
Hearing from him on the Saturday as if nothing had changed and him apologising; well he has to keep you interested!! You texting him (nothing wrong with that) but then calling a few hours later after you heard nothing from him.. hmmm!
I wouldn't say outright that he was a player, there's absolutely nothing wrong with talking to someone on here then meeting and not wanting to see them again. A few folk may consider it wasting their time for doing so, personally I think it was time spent deciding if they were right for you, nothing more, nothing less. There is a lot wrong with someone not being honest about it though.. but that's some people for you!
Perhaps you should listen to your head next time.. if it sounds too good to be true it normally is. NEXT!!!! :) | |
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Posted: 7/3/2012 11:51:09 AM |
Especially if this girl doesn't trust the guy because he didn't text her back within a couple of hours. I mean come on... it all reads recipe for drama and stalking.
Sorry, I have to disagree with you here. He set the level of expectation with all of the quick texting back and forth before he went away to "travel." I've been on plenty of business trips and have always managed to find the time to dash off a quick text here and there throughout the day.
It'd raise alarm bells for me if someone was texting me back and forth and then all of a sudden they stop responding quickly or at all. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2012 12:29:23 PM | First you are attractive young lady, so keep that in mind.
In your age range it not to uncommon to meet, "THE PLAYER"
Have you ever watch "How I met you mother" US TV show?
Well, it appears you have met the perfect Barney!
Barney is the perfect gentlemen for a period of time, then he is the perfect man for the next pretty smile.
Look, don't take to hard as I mention you are young and very pretty. :) Perhaps this man just was not the right one.
Go FISHING and do not let the first nibble be the only bite. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2012 2:10:38 PM |
Sorry, I have to disagree with you here. He set the level of expectation with all of the quick texting back and forth before he went away to "travel." I've been on plenty of business trips and have always managed to find the time to dash off a quick text here and there throughout the day.
It'd raise alarm bells for me if someone was texting me back and forth and then all of a sudden they stop responding quickly or at all.
You have no idea what the circumstances surrounding his job or his trip are. You also have no idea what the circumstances surrounding him not responding are. For all you know he wanted to have a day to himself. There is nothing wrong with that. Just because you are talking a lot to someone doesn't entitle you to get upset, or lose trust when that pace slows SLIGHTLY. I mean we're talking about not responding to a text within a couple of hours. Hell, his phone could have died, he could have taken a nap, he could have been at the doctor, in an area with no cell reception, been too busy to reply, his phone may have been on silent, or vibrate and he didn't realize he got a text, the text may not have arrived, he could have been visiting family, or been with a client, or in a meeting, the list goes on and on. To jump to the conclusion that this guy is a player because he didn't respond to a text in a couple of hours is just ridiculous. To also jump to conclusions because a guy didn't get back to a girl for 2 days while he was on a business trip (for which he apologized even) is just ridiculous. Frankly, if I want a day to myself, I'm taking it, and if someone freaks out like this on me for it.... good bye. | |
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Posted: 7/3/2012 2:13:29 PM |
(I know some of you are rolling your eyes thinking, we've heard all this before
Actually, no. Men tell this to women they know will fall for it.
You were served the biggest plate of .......you fill in the rest. | |
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