| | Adult Child IssuePage 1 of 1 | I am posting on behalf of a friend who is troubled by her boyfriends adult son. I cannot help her as I have no idea what it is like to have a child.
My best friend has been seeing this very wonderful man for over a year and they seem to have a nice time together and it makes me happy that she found someone. This man has an adult son in his 30s and he, the son is disabled from some head injury and does not have a girlfriend of his own.
The son and my friend started out getting along just fine but then he started to turn cold towards her. And then without notice her boyfriend started to cancel dates because the son wanted to spend time with his dad..Have father/son weekends and all that. One weekend when they were all going to get together she called the son and told him she was glad they were all going to spend time together and that she was looking forward to seeing him. A few days later the boyfriend called to say his son decided that he only wanted his dad there. And this hurt her very much. She has been trying to understand all of this.
My friend loves her boyfriend very much but has concerns about this son. She knows that she cannot compete with this, however, she has done back flips to accomodate this situation. He also makes strange remarks to her about his father, like.."Dads cries poverty but he is really loaded".
Now with summer here she is being left behind so the son and dad can golf, go to car racing. Her boyfriend does make time for her and they do have their time together but it appears the son is doing everything he can to sabotage her. She is is little apprehensive about speaking to her boyfriend about this due to the fact that she doesn't want to cause any upset. thanks in advance for advice for her | |
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Posted: 7/4/2012 4:34:29 AM | | I'm assuming that your girlfriend is in her mid 50's, is that correct. She is having issues with her bf's head injured son and how he is impacting her relationship with her BF. I can't understand why she wouldn't talk to her BF about this. How would he possibly know how she feels if she is not sharing this with him. This isn't about ultimatums or a show down, it is about two mature people navigating issues as you move a long in a relationship. If he is reasonable and understanding he will try to balance the needs of his son and his girlfriend. If he gets upset with the GF and wants to dump her over this (worst case) then so be it. There are absolutely no guarantees of where or how things end up in a relationship. All you have is moving through a situation in the here and now with as much grace, maturity and a touch of humour as one can muster up. She must learn to get over her fears (what ever they are) and have the courage to express herself directly and clearly to her partner. This isn't about the son, or the BF it's about her not taking responsibility for her end of the relationship -communication. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2012 5:40:57 AM | She has to talk to him. This son is not going anywhere and because of his circumstances, he will always be dependent on his father to some extent so this has to be figured out.
All relationships have issues which arise where one is not happy with a given situation but unless that is voiced, it cannot be addressed. This isn't about accusations or ultimatums, it's merely something where she needs to express how she feels, he needs to be informed rather then kept in the dark and then together, they can figure out the path forward. Her inability to communicate with him is going to be a far bigger problem then his adult son. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2012 5:42:56 AM | My first thought is just a remote guess, since I don't know these people.
The son feels that his future is threatened if his Dad commits too much time to someone else, so he actively sabotages things, both by making extra demands on his dad, and by planting seeds of doubt about his dad's sincerity in the GF's mind (the "dad's actually loaded" thing).
It all hinges on how the father handles it, and how willing your friend is to support how the father handles it. It sounds so far, as though she isn't willing to take only as much as she can currently get with this guy.
As for a strategy, there's only one I can think of, which involves risk and/or faith.
Simply, wait, and stay engaged. If enough time goes by, the son might discover that he doesn't actually have to worry that he will lose his dad, or, the dad might come to recognize what the son is doing, and adjust his response in a manner that keeps his son feeling cared for, but allows more of a life for himself and your friend.
Your friend has the choice to either wait this out, and risk having wasted her time and emotions, or walk away. There really isn't anything else I can think of that she can do, save as recommended above, that she openly and directly communicates with the dad about it all. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2012 6:48:07 AM | I agree with this as well..And have told her as much. There has just been weird things that have happened since she has been in the picture and they have been going on within the last few months.
The son and my friend were friends on Facebook and she wrote a comment about one of her other facebook friends a week or so ago. It was a funny insult that was between her and one of her game player friends (meaning facebook games). The son saw it and thought it was an insult to his father, told his father and the father sent her a dreadful nasty email to her about it. She explained it and felt it was very ridiculous that it was even mentioned at all. The father didn't say how he found out about it, he didn't need to because the next day his son deleted her off his facebook. She has not said anything to her boyfriend about this...yet. She just doesn't want to rock the boat.
I am trying to help her find the words to speak to her boyfriend. It is sad for me to see her go through this. This young man has a agenda and it is not good. So sad for someone to find another wonderful person only to have someone try to wreak it.
I think she has been evasive about it because she feeling that this son being disabled also has low self esteem and is probably a little mentally unbalanced. I will show her these posts....She has to do something soon before something else happens. Thank you | |
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Posted: 7/4/2012 7:52:57 AM | I would re-read what Igor wrote.
He's hit the nail on the head. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2012 7:53:20 AM | She knew/knows about the situation. (BF Son disabled)
there is nothing she can do about this, nor should she do anything without making her look like the bad guy! I dated a women with a extreamly disabled daughter. I have never said a word or do anything to prevent their relationship. (kids come first, no matter the situation) Cause the situation was there before I dated her. Your friend knew of the situation and now she is ****ing cause she is not getting the attention she wants and needs. OH WELL!! That Child comes first and if she dont like it....
Either she can deal with it or she can move on!
the father does not have the issues, (your friend does) he is being a awesome father and doing for his child/son/adult son who is disabled. KUDDO'S for that father and not just sticking the disabled son in a room and walking away from him. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2012 7:59:47 AM | | Can't really say it better then those above me.. The only solution is to talk it with your boyfriend..Be prepared for any outcome, but know that whatever outcome the talk leads to was the eventual outcome anyway.. Or better then what it would have been. Head injury or not it sounds like the son is being disrespectful towards you and the relationship, and it's not right. The fact that he is able to do all these things leads me to believe he's got some grasp on reality and how to manipulate things to his advantage. If this isn't being addressed and he isn't being told he's being inappropriate he may not even know he is! Of course what he will understand is dependent on the extent of his brain injury. But it all starts with talking to the father. No ultimatums, no demands.. just say when your son does this.. it makes me feel this.. or when you react this way to what he says, without asking me first.. it makes me feel this.. It sounds like the father is either ignorant of his sons behavior or choosing to ignore it... If you say something it will at least make him acknowledge it and do something.. Just be prepared.. he might cut you loose.. and if he does.. he would have eventually anyway as this kind of behavior left unchecked will only get worse. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2012 10:02:46 AM | Tough one.
Bottom line, the child is disabled, & well, it is part of the package. And depending how severe his disability is, he may always be a child, even if chronologically he is an adult.
However, blatant disrespect & game-playing should stop. Im am in my 30's, & couldnt give a flying fizuck who my Father dates (he is single & dating right now)....as an adult, I have my own life. When I was a kid yeah.......but certainly not well into my adulthood.
I have a 7 year old autistic-spectrum/adhd son, who knows to show respect to any & all guests in our home, family members, friends, etc. Despite his "disability" (i hate calling it that because he is ABLE, very intelligent, & just needs extra guidance & attention & redirection)...........he has been raised from the onslaught, respect. Last time he got out of pocket (he kicked my Ex-Mother in Law in the leg), he lost priveleges until he could issue her a sincere apology & explain why his actions were awful. Children, need guidance, limits, & boundaries, & to be set straight of they cross them. (and he may very well be very much a child, & only be an adult age-wis). | |
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Posted: 7/4/2012 11:18:30 AM | This young man has a job and is even on a dating site to meet women, has his own home and car. Enjoys his life which includes golfing, hunting,fishing,sailing. I have met him and to look at him you'd never know there was a problem. He had a traumatic head injury 5 or so years ago. I believe his only acute problem now is migraines. Along with the possibility of narcotic addiction.
I agree with the posters that say he is part of the package, however, this is why my friend is so stressed out, it is because he seems so normal..For lack of a better phrase. In fact they have all double dated. I agree this is a tough one and again, that is why I told her that I would see what the fish think.
Another friend mentioned that no matter what he may have mental problems as an after effect. Thank you again for taking time to read this. It seems that we have gotten some good feedback. I want this situation solved! As much as I love her as a friend it gets a little overwhelming to hear about. Glad I am not her. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2012 11:51:28 AM |
This young man has a job and is even on a dating site to meet women, has his own home and car. Enjoys his life which includes golfing, hunting,fishing,sailing. I have met him and to look at him you'd never know there was a problem. He had a traumatic head injury 5 or so years ago. I believe his only acute problem now is migraines. Along with the possibility of narcotic addiction.
Hmmmm.....so he cant be THAT developmentally delayed, unless he is in some sort of supervised independant living program. Kind of changes the scenario. If he were severely delayed & had the mind of a child, literally, then yeah, it is a package deal. But it if he an adult, with some minor issues but nonetheless a functioning adult, it just crosses the line into creepy.
I am in my 30's.......my Father dates around, & is hoping to meet someone perfect for him.
Me? I could give a crap who he goes out with, unless the person was abusive.
I dont know who his dates are, nor do i care. I very likely wouldnt even meet any of them (due to geographical distance), unless they were in a serious LTR or got married. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2012 12:09:46 PM | Dear QBS..This is why it is very hard to handle. Like I said,he owns his own home and as far as I know he does go to counselling and his doctor every month for stuff. She respects his son and has done much for him. I tend to think that he is jealous of his father and her. She and her boyfriend are meeting together this Friday eve and she is planning on having a conversation with him about it. She just wants things back to where they were without worry about what the son is going to pull next. What to say to keep
it all good is the next issue.
You seem like a well adjusted 30 something!
After talking with her a little while ago the dad does know there is some kind of conflict, she gave me an example of them meeting for dinner one night and he told her that "if _____ wants to join us then he is welcomed "but the plan was they had an evening planned which, he was invited too. Well, he did not join them!
In no way shape or form is she trying to take anything away from either one of them. As it is today dad and son are golfing while she is sitting at the Lake alone with a great book. She has already been told that Saturday is race day for them (father and son) and then on Sunday golf again. He very much is booking up his fathers time.
It is very sad that 2 people found each other after other bad relationships only to have someone try to come between them. But she values the relationship enough to let him have his freedom with the son. A pity though. a real pity | |
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Posted: 7/4/2012 2:12:33 PM | A couple of things OP - you mentioned that the son's house is paid for, this could come from $ related to his injury. TBI is often an 'invisible' injury - he may be suffering from chronic pain - hence the narcotic addiction and migraines. TBI can compromise his ability to process cognition and affect (emotion). Don't under estimate the injury he may have. His father, may understand and is trying to buffer as much as he can.
Also, keep in mind that this may be the 'father's' issue not really be about the son. Has your friend considered that perhaps the honey moon is over and he is now in his comfort zone. Doing things he likes, he may not be very thoughtful or considerate person in the long run.
Maybe your friend has to take a second look at this guy, and wonder if the bloom is beginning to fall off the rose.
It takes time to really get to know someone, and it takes adversity to see what people are really about. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2012 2:54:41 PM | | Dear flaneur001..yes, all has been considered..She just wants an end to this drama | |
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Posted: 7/4/2012 5:11:18 PM | | His son is 30? ....she needs to love herself more first, she doesnt need to speak to him about him, all she needs to do is walk away from the relationship and if he asks her why is she leaving she can point to his son and say if you as a grown adult man cant figure out why Im walking away from this relationship then I dont know who has more issues you or your son. | |
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Posted: 7/4/2012 9:34:47 PM | Wow, don't any of you people at least watch television?
A severe head injury doesn't go away. It often produces a significant change in personality. Someone can appear to function fine to people that don't spend oodles of time with them but while the girlfriend says she has considered this it doesn't sound like she gets it. He may seem to be functioning as an adult but from an emotional standpoint he may be very much and forever will be a child who sees the girlfriend as competition and a threat.
She needs to talk to dad and the sad answer is that dad may not be able to achieve the balance that would make his girlfriend happy. Doesn't make him a bad person just someone in a difficult situation. I have a friend with an autistic boy who is now in his mid twenties. In addition to the autism he is diabetic and otherwise will never be able to live on his own. He has sisters that will care for him when his mother passes. I don't think she's interested in dating or marrying again but it would also be difficult for someone to step into their lives.
I didn't have a brain injury but I experienced cognitive issues that in many ways were similar to that. It appears that I will always have memory issues and I also have what is akin to verbal dyslexic moments when I am tired. The vast majority of the time as another poster indicated its invisible to other people but it doesn't mean that I'm not dealing with challenges potentially on a daily basis. Presuming that the kid is conscious of sabotaging things in the way that a normal 30-year-old would be is not appropriate and it would be impossible for someone without a degree in neurology to even begin to try to figure that out. Brain injury is a very unique and murky deal, period; even the docs are often completely puzzled.
She may need to walk away but acting like the dad is being a jackass, particularly when she apparently has said nothing to this guy isn't particularly fair. Again, he may be incapable of spending time with his son and maintaining a girlfriend if the young man keeps insisting on father/son activities only. On the upside maybe the kid'll find a girlfriend and will be happy spending time with her or want to double date. | |
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Posted: 7/5/2012 2:49:10 AM | | Your "best friend" should maybe be a little more considerate of the situation she is in...When you say she is doing "back flips""she can not compete with this":, this sounds like you and her have re-affirmed she is already the victim of trying to much, or it is a competition, which it is obviously as you explained it, for attention... Maybe, she should get more educated on her boyfriends son's injury, and how to deal with it...At the same time, her boyfriend should try and include her more, and not just side with his son's decisions on who comes to certain outings... | |
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Posted: 7/5/2012 8:58:07 AM | If the son needs the fathers constant attention then the GF is out of luck. The father is obviously going to be there 100% for the son even at the expense of his own happiness.
She should never have 'friend-ed' the son as he is obviously challenged maturity wise, and had no place in her personal life.
To often people try to move too quickly in a relationship before they really understand the families dynamics. If she had taken her time to get to know the Dad without including the son, she would have figured out very quickly that the son has the maturity level of a 6 year old and the ability to manipulate Dad like a spoiled teenage girl does.
No matter how you look at it, the friendship was doomed from the start. | |
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