| | The first chapter in the book I'm writing. Beyond EdenPage 1 of 1 | I'm Looking for honest, creative help and or constructive critism.
1
The Human Condition
It was a calm, yet chaotic day on Long Island; The music of the modern world vying for an audience. Presenting the people with songs of steel through canyons of concrete. An unending current of flesh and of metal.
Adam sat on the roof of his building, some thirty stories above. His legs dangled over, taping against the brick. The weatherman had prescribed a series of storms, but not cloud in the sky was seen. Why he hadn't been fired yet, noone could say. The cool kiss of the ocean air gently tossed Adam's hair. Mom said he'd missed school, but he didn't really care. Through his eyes, the way this city was falling apart: wasting his day seemed all but pointless.
He would rather spend his days running along the streets or leaping from roof to roof trying to catch that damn cat. He never could catch it, but he knew in his heart, that cat's days were numbered.
To him, the world had always felt strange, as if he was somehow... disconnected. The counselor would tell him he was just "socially awkward" and going through a "phase." He knew she was full of shit. He felt useless and out of place. Often joining cliques or social clubs in order to fit in, never once finding peace. He loved watching the news for the mysterious and unexplained.
10:00 PM came around and Adam was still on his perch, watching the planes as they flew from JFK. He always found it amusing to think the planes were trying to escape, yet somehow, always finding their way back. This time he had his radio, listening to the news and smirking at the reports of protests and "exploding crime rates" All the politicians and great debaters quarreling back and forth like starving dogs. Never had quite so many, said quite so much about so very little.
By nature we feel an innate desire to expand and envelope. Whether by use of a silver tongue or brute force. Human history is a litany written in the blood of millions.
Having long forsaken our own souls, we drag ourselves along on rails of anger and wasted potential. Forever enchained under infinitely gray skies.
Men... how pointless and pathetic. They view their world through sightless eyes, blind to the universe around them. Pulled about their world like blood from a severed limb; sudden spurts of relevance and meaning, ending only in a coagulated mass of death and decay. A black parade of fetid flesh and hollow souls.
The world around him was falling, and all Adam could do was sit back and enjoy.
11:00 PM, and the world seemed suspiciously quite, as if it was anticipating something. Long Island had always been an angry place, filled with shouts and curses, sure there was a brief moment of kindness when the towers fell, But after the dust had settled and the bodies cooled, normality lulled its way back in.
1:30 AM, and the world was quiet. Not so much by sound, but by melody. The kind of quiet one normally associates with a small mid western town, peaceful yet productive. For New York, this was insane. Adam watched his world with a sense of subdued urgency, silently debating with himself.
1:53 AM, and the world seemed to have all but stopped completely. The vehicles and people where moving, like water into a bath tub; they moved violently, but never really got anywhere.
2:04 AM, and the world was dark. All the colors of this world seemed dim and dreary. The bright shades of man seemed apathetic through Adam's eyes, as if they just weren't trying anymore; as if there simply wasn't a reason.
10:40 AM. and Adam awoke to find he had passed out on the bench near the stare well entrance of his building. After he stretched and rubbed the tired from his eyes, he was startled at the sight of a sky that wasn't. No clouds, no sun, just blue emptiness. He slowly stepped toward his perch, counting his steps as always. He clicked on his radio and listened intently to the reports of ... nothing. Nothing but static! He felt his heart jump as he looked around to a world out of touch with itself. The birds had stop singing and soaring; The great flow of power that kept the city spinning had come to a screeching halt at some point during the night. Nothing moved; no vehicles, no traffic signals, no porch lights, no anything. It was as if the island just flipped its' own switch.
Adam grabbed his bag and made his way down to his apartment to find his mother. "Joe!?" He shouted while unlocking the door. He threw his bag across the living room and moved to her room. "Joe!?" There was no answer. "Joe...?" His breathing quickened with hints of worry and curiosity. "...Maybe her car just died on her way home or... or maybe she's at Susan's house." He though to himself.
The door to her room was locked. It had never been locked; not even when she had brought home her various companions. He pulled and tore at her door, but still, it would not budge. Finally, with all his strength, he raised his foot and delivered a knee-high kick, which sent the door flying backwards on it's hinges and off completely as if bounced against the wall behind. As the door swung backward, the entire apartment shook, sending collections and treasures falling to the floor. The TV Joe had spent 2 months saving for came crashing from the table and shattered on the carpet. "No..." He said under his breath.
While they weren't exactly unheard of in New York, earth quakes were still a bit of a news maker. Adam walked through the doorway of his mothers' room to find her standing in place. He approached her excitedly "Joe!" ... "Joe!" He said with a more direct tone ... "Joe...?" He asked, questioning his own sanity. There she stood, half dressed but unmoving, her arm pulled behind her as if she was adjusting her hair. He reached toward her, but stopped short. He felt a wave of intense fear and heat pass through his hand and singe his shirt sleeve. He quickly retracted his hand and assessed his burns, but there were none.
His mother stood idle, embraced in a void of swirling energy. Shades of red and black caressed her with an almost loving calmness and time itself seemed halted within. There wasn't anything to be done for her. After a moment of pause, he turned to leave, but something compelled to him stay.
A shriek from nowhere drew his attention back to her, who was now contorted and disfigured. Her limbs and torso torn and shifted. Her movements were swift and rigid as if under tremendous strain. She would not blink. The world around her and her void seemed drawn in to itself, arch's of what looked like red lightning grazed her bed and nearby wall, leaving scorch marks in their wake.
"R...run..." She gasped. Adam quickly averted his eyes only to be drawn back. "Uh.....RUN!" She screamed. Her voice sounded as if her lungs were being torn from the inside. His heart racing and his breathing heavy, Adam turned to run, only to trip over the door he had recently kicked to the floor. A flash and the sound of ripping behind him, told him to get up and run. He darted out to the living room, stopping only to grab his bag. He bolted down the hallway toward his stairwell, only to be stopped by a revolving entity that watched and mirrored his moves. He began to panic and try to break down the nearest door. The entity sloshed forward after him, the ground beneath it seeming to age and decompose. Adam's eyes darted up and down the hall way. A series of locked doors leading to only one inevitability, the window.
Adam paced back and forth in front of the window for a few seconds trying to talk himself out of how crazy this all seemed to be. He peered through the glass, seeing only a red haze. He heard the entities trademark slosh, once more; this time, with more direction and intensity. "God dammit..." Adam whispered to the floor. "This is insane!" He reached for his laptop in his bag and used it to shatter the window. Though the shards of glass initially flew outward, they stopped a few feet below, as if held precariously in place by an unknown force. Adam dropped his bag and took several steps backward. He stared at the floor, seemingly arguing with it. His eyes closed, he took a single calm breath and charged the window. He let out a scream that challenged the Gods and burst through the window like a bullet from a rifle.
For what felt like an eternity he soared through this haze. A smile crawled across Adam's face, he felt as if he was living a fantasy. As he soared, he witnessed something strange. Well, aside from all that just happened. A wall of grayness hurdled toward him. Hints of yellow and blue and white. Colors fading in and out. He became transfixed. Beings of great mass and speed whipped passed one another within. A terrifying thought bore its way through Adams mind. "Wait...Oh sheeeeiiii..." Before Adam could finish cussing, he smacked into the concrete below like a sack of wet noodles.
The impact with which Adam hit the ground was strong enough to shatter asphalt within a twenty foot circle around him. | |
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| The first chapter in the book I'm writing. Beyond Eden
Posted: 7/7/2012 8:44:58 PM | ...(first paragraph) BIG no-no..."...It was..." no good! common mistake...How about?
A chaotic day on Long Island would seem calm in the minds of the citizens of Manhattan on this particular day. Hmm?
just a thought...? | |
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| The first chapter in the book I'm writing. Beyond Eden
Posted: 7/10/2012 10:32:13 AM | I have not read it all the way through. You asked rfor constructive criticism so don't take any of this personally.
There are lots of things you should do: the piece is error strewn and needs a lot of TLC.
Check the usage of punctuation marks i.e. full stops, commas, semi-colons and apostrophes. You should look up their meanings before you do this exercise. You are not using them properly.
Check words for their meaning against a dictionary if you are unsure of their meaning.
Just a quick scan showed at least half a dozen words used incorrectly (doctors prescribe, wethermen forecast; stairwell not stare well; earthquakes not earth quakes; quite when you meant quiet; tapping not taping; was to be seen not was seen; arcs not arch's; entitiy's not entities; mother's not mothers'; 'within a twenty foot circle' does not make sense - 'radius' perhaps?; soar means to rise or ascend - he is plummetting; whipped past not whipped passed; did his scream burst out through the window?; 'would' as in 'she would not blink' is incorrect but I am not sure wther she 'could' not or 'did' not from the passage; 'on it's hinges' should be 'on its hinges' - its is the possessive pronoun, it's is the contraction of 'it is'.
I hope that is helpful. You have to start somewhere and only through practice and feeback will you improve. You would probably benefit from reading a book such as 'Eats Leaves and Shoots' because your understanding of grammar does have some room for improvement.
Good luck. | |
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| The first chapter in the book I'm writing. Beyond Eden
Posted: 8/7/2012 11:50:41 PM | Thank you, really.
I know it needs a lot of work, but it's still in its raw form.
The story follows a younger mans view. So saying things like "prescribed" was intended as a sarcastic view on his world. Weatherman fancy themselves as professionals in the same vein as doctors.
The punctuation helps tell the story in a more dramatic tone.
Errors fixed. With regard to "did he scream burst through the window", he screamed while bursting through the window. I couldn't think of any other way to describe it. It's meant to be read with a certain cadence. | |
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| The first chapter in the book I'm writing. Beyond Eden
Posted: 8/9/2012 3:53:02 AM | Using 'prescribed' as a word-play in the way you intended is fine provided that it doesn't appear to be an error. Deliberately making mistakes doesn't work if you are also accidentally making them elsewhere. The reader can’t then tell which is which and will assume they are all errors.
I don't agree with you that the punctuation as it stands works well. If you are James Joyce or William Faulkner than you can afford to playing footloose and fancy- free with grammatical norms. But it is your piece.
There are a number of ways that you could deal with the problem of the scream bursting out through the window here are two "Letting out a scream that challenged the Gods he burst through the window like a bullet from a rifle.” Or “He burst through the window like a bullet from a rifle letting out a scream that challenged the Gods.” | |
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| The first chapter in the book I'm writing. Beyond Eden
Posted: 8/18/2012 1:51:57 AM | Hey, BFL. :)
I think your ideas are great. I think what you are attempting to do by creating a scene and fleshing out your protagonist is also great. The problem is as another fella has already indicated: the syntax, SPAG, and the structure needs quite a bit of attention. These are not books we typically use in a traditional MFA program, per se; however, I believe these are two books that most creative writers have referenced at one time or another, the former of which I am about to list more so than the latter, probably (I don't know how to underline in this box, so please forgive the misuse of citation):
1) "The Elements of Style," by Strunk and White
2) "The Gotham Writer's Workshop: Writing Fiction"
"The Elements of Style" is just a no-brainer. It's the penultimate authority on grammar, aside from taking a formal English or master's level English or Fine Arts program. And even if you do, you'll still want to read it, re-read it, and dog-ear that baby, tattering it to pieces, and then buy a fresh copy.
A third book that is a great book, but not so much widely accepted as an "authority," is Stephen King's "On Writing." It's a great little book, and it might help. He gives several tips on utilizing active voice in writing and avoiding over usage of adverbs and simple adjectives.
If you would like to have me review your chapter in detail, feel free to message me, and I'll shoot you my email address. I'll do what I can to edit it line-by-line and give suggestions. It's up to you, but I would definitely recommend hitting those books.
Good luck, and don't let yourself get down. Your brain and imagination are working over time, and that is great! You just need to gather some grammar tools to put this together.
Jason | |
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