| | Friends to sex to nothingPage 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | | I've been friends with this guy for a good 5 yrs and really close with him for the last yr. He's shared a lot of things with me and helped through the breakup of my long term relationship, with an old friend of his (they lost touch, definitely not cuz of me). The last 6 months there's been sexual tension but we never did anything. Still the deep convos though and the comfort of knowing I have a great guy friend. About a month a and a bit ago we finally slept together. He kept saying he was doing stuff he normally doesn't...cuddling after sex, staying over, asking me to, being affectionate in front of friends, and things a friends with benefits person wouldnt do...we hung out a few more times and things were great everytime but there was an unspoken avoidance when we weren't...he seemed distracted in texts or bothered by me. He's also a little damaged from life and scares easily with conflict, so when I ask what was up/going on, he just doesn't respond. I've decided to stop talking to him but can't tell...was it real for him or was it all a game or act? It sucks knowing sleeping with him brought all this up. He told me once before everything it was weird for him to have a friend that's a girl who he hadn't slept with...that it's never happened. And I believe it because I know his reputation for being a sweet talking player. Was he lying though? I need a non subjective point of view - any help? | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/4/2012 9:59:34 PM | You slept with your sweet talking player friend knowing his reputation, and that he's a little damaged from life and scares easily. (awww- the poor baby)
What did you expect to happen?
You knew what he was like before you had sex with him.
Things a guy with a reputation for being a sweet talking player does:
saying it was weird for him to have a friend that's a girl who he hadn't slept with
and when she climbs into be with him,
saying he was doing stuff he normally doesn't, like cuddling after sex, followed by-
an unspoken avoidance after sex
and then-
doesn't respond | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/4/2012 10:05:00 PM | Sex changes everything. I have 2 good friends who are woman that I've been close with but never had sex with. There was times when the sexual tension was there. I value the friendships too much at this level.
Sounds like he just gave in to his urges and he might feel guilty now. Was he lying? Was it all a game for him? Hard to tell. Give him some time and see how he responds. | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/4/2012 10:10:54 PM | | You broke up with your long term relationship, you had sex, he is now ignoring you...He saw his opportunity to do you, before another relationship, or he is sorting out that you were friends and he has feelings for you, and is probably confused, and scared a bit, easy to run away from...one of the two,lol... | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/4/2012 10:23:10 PM | | Sex wasn't that good for him? All he wanted was to prove that you would have sex with him? He gets women to fall for his poor poor pitiful me line, gets them to have sex then moves on to the next one because he gets off on the game? What you know for sure is sex & done is his thing. | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/4/2012 10:38:27 PM | From what you described I feel he was sincere.. but something changed for him for some reason. That part only he can answer for sure... but my guess is he got scared that this was getting too serious. (stupid guy move)
Either way dont worry I dont think it was your fault. | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/4/2012 10:53:29 PM | Thank you everyone for the responses. I appreciate the perspectives. I know the sex wasn't bad, specially since he called me the second time around and asked me to sleep over the 3rd time before we did anything (point being he wanted the sex he knew he would get). Some friends have said it sounds like he might be experiencing feelings he doesn't usually have, got freaked out and ran. I didnt expect to get feelings either but then as we all know friends with benefits always gets complicated and rarely works out :( Way before of this sexual crap came up we would just shoot the shit and that's when he would tell me things out of nowhere, when we didn't even go there and were just buds. Kinda freaked me out cuz he would get serious. A few things are definite and I agree: something's changed but only he knows what that is, keeping my distance to see what happens in time will give me my answer, and he obviously has issues and I should take my losses and move on.
Thank you so much everyone! | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/4/2012 10:57:01 PM | I've been friends with this guy for a good 5 yrs and really close with him for the last yr.
You are either lovers or not. There is no inbetween friend thing. People really need to step up their game around here. | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/4/2012 11:04:43 PM | | Hook...line...and sinker. You said you knew his reputation for being sweet talking player and yet you expect his behavior towards you to be different than any of the other girls he's been with. Did you expect your cooch to be any different because he was your "friend"? It's all pink. You were looking for a friendship to turn into a relationship. He was just looking to have sex and now he can tell his friends he finally got the one that was toughest nut to crack. Live and learn and stop sleeping with your friends if you want to keep it that way. | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/4/2012 11:07:57 PM |
Some friends have said it sounds like he might be experiencing feelings he doesn't usually have, got freaked out and ran. Oh yeah, I saw that episode on Sex in the City. (Season 6 Episode 4 "Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little")
That's where the phrase "he's just not that into you" came from.
The scene went like this:
Charlotte: A lot of guys are afraid of getting their feelings hurt and they don't wanna ruin a friendship.
Miranda: Or they're freaked out by their own feelings? There's a lot of push-pull out there. A lot of mixed messages.
Berger: Yeah. I have to say that's all code for he's just not that into you. I'm sorry but with guys it's very simple. | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/5/2012 12:02:54 AM | | Yeah he's a douche. No big loss. Why'd you root a guy with a known rep? Once a douche always a douche. | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/5/2012 12:56:46 AM | Heres what a sweet-talking player says..
*Exactly* what he said. lol. I cant count how many times I've see this act played out.
I think I should just write a hand-book guide for women, because some of you will never learn on your own. | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/5/2012 2:37:19 AM |
I think I should just write a hand-book guide for women, because some of you will never learn on your own.
Oh yes please, it would be especially useful as tool of self punishment.
OP, starting points to always remember:
1) men lie, all the time (woman fall for what they hear and men fall for what they see, this is why men lie and woman wear make up);
2) the rule is that DO NOT exist damaged men, scared men, etc. He is not simple into you.
The cuddle thing probably it was because he didn't want to feel bad about it (yeah, some men do actually have a conscience). He is not scared about his feeling, if a man develop some feelings he follows them, even if it is in conflict with himself (there are some exception but usually there are massive reason behind it, usually kids).
The only thing to do is to move on, he helped you getting over a long term relationship, if you got over that a 6 months flirt won't kill you. Try to not convince yourself that you developed huge feelings for him.
I honestly wish someone told me this stuff before and I didn't need to learn them by myself, keeping hopes alive is pointless and hurtful. | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/5/2012 4:34:48 AM |
sexual tension
great guy friend
sweet talking player
He told me once before everything it was weird for him to have a friend that's a girl who he hadn't slept with...that it's never happened
He told you up front that he (tries to) sleeps with all his female friends. And if you two continued to be friends after sleeping together, he can bring new women around, sleep with them, and you (plus all his other female friends) would be cool with it since everyone knows the deal. Why are you surprised at what happened after sleeping with your friends first, sweet talking player? Was it real for him and not a game or act? Maybe, but Vegas odds aren't very good on that bet. He was distracted in texts since he was concentrating on laying down the groundwork for his next female friend. | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/5/2012 4:47:43 AM |
You slept with your sweet talking player friend knowing his reputation, and that he's a little damaged from life and scares easily. (awww- the poor baby)
What did you expect to happen?
You knew what he was like before you had sex with him.
Things a guy with a reputation for being a sweet talking player does:
saying it was weird for him to have a friend that's a girl who he hadn't slept with
and when she climbs into be with him,
saying he was doing stuff he normally doesn't, like cuddling after sex, followed by-
an unspoken avoidance after sex
and then-
doesn't respond
I agree 100% Some use common sense and others play the victim role always asking "what happened?". | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/5/2012 4:48:03 AM | He probably gets off more on the fact that he's screwing with your feelings, than the sex he had with you.
Live and hopefully learn..........thats what life is about..... I guess. | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/5/2012 5:15:43 AM | OP-
'Players' are human beings....I know...I found myself involved with one, and I still am. Honestly, I hate to label men or women players----it takes TWO people to get naked and have sex---the difference is that some men just see it as sport and some women think if he sinks his man junk in ya it's love.
The best suggestion I can give you---is keep away and move on with the business of living. If you and he are meant to be together you will, if not, chock it up to a life experience. Nothing worse than trying to over engineer any relationship---just live in the moment and enjoy it. No one really can know what a person is thinking, but you should act on your gut feelings. If it felt good---than it was good for whatever amount of time it was good.
I love my Meathead---and everyone warned me what a conniving player he was---but I can safely say, he is a man who loved the ladies, but has been content to be with just me for the past 8 yrs. I have accepted him for who he is when we are together and he accepts me as I am. Neither of us are perfect, but we work well together.
Lust is fleeting.....but it sure can be fun. Just have to dust yourself off and savor the good parts and try to keep things in perspective. You were just out of relationship with someone he use to be friends with....it was what it was and possibly nothing more than sex between two adults. If you give him space and he comes back---then maybe he needed time to sort out his own sh*t. If not, smile for the fun you both had and move forward.
Best of luck
MM
P.S. We all have histories....it's what you do with it that makes the difference. | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/5/2012 6:18:17 AM |
asking me to, being affectionate in front of friends,
Now if we were to go by the you-fell-for-it-hook-line-and-sinker theory, this was the bit where he was making sure his latest conquest was publicly known about for the benefit of his reputation.
I'm not saying all this playa stuff is necessarily completely calculating (sometimes bad experience can make us very unaware of 'normality'), but it looks to me that maybe he's more concerned with impressing his man friends, than his woman friends.
Would that tie in with anything he's said about his past? | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/5/2012 6:54:08 AM | truth is relevant to the moment.... Was he lying???? or is the question really are you lying to yourself.... lol
It's not about him but you, and how you feel about the changes in your relationship. Are you wondering because now after sleeping with him you have woven a relationship togather that just isn't meant to be. If it's meant to be it will be .... enjoy the ancticapation of not knowing... best of luck... | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/5/2012 7:25:25 AM |
Some friends have said it sounds like he might be experiencing feelings he doesn't usually have, got freaked out and ran. I didnt expect to get feelings either but then as we all know friends with benefits always gets complicated and rarely works out
Doesn't matter whether he cared, he didn't care enough for you to do anything differently than he usually does. Despite your friendship as a bed partner you were just like any of the others he has had.
I wouldn't bother keeping him as a friend and definitely wouldn't want anything more from him. | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/5/2012 7:53:24 AM | | You created a fantasy in your head and didn't follow your instincts. Move on, no biggie. | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/5/2012 8:00:54 AM | He seem's really confused about what has gone down between you both.
You have surfaced after the collapse of a 5 year odd relationship with a old friend of his.
He has helped you work through previous issues and then you end up sleeping together.
He may have a reputaion as a player, but I don't think this is the case with you.
Most player's find it hard to commit and get a case of 'committment phobia'.....so they play their silly game's cause they want to feel wanted and needed.
A player see's this behaviour as attention seeking, and feeling wanted.....just for the night. Truth is most player's are insecure and will keep playing the game until they find a challenge.
YOU are his challenge.
Continue to be his friend but don't sleep with him until he can open up to you and be truthful about what he want's from you. | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/5/2012 8:54:56 AM | | Hard lesson. The poster who said you were just another conquest had it right. I'm sorry. The good news is you won't fall for that again. | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/5/2012 9:06:37 AM |
Was he lying though?
Not in the way I think you mean it.
I don't think he had a master plan to deceive you over 5 years just to get laid.
But this is pretty much the reason men and women can't be "friends" for any real length of time in this society and culture.
All you did was drag out a standard dating relationship and slow it down over the course of 5-6 years and called it "friends."
What labels you put on it do not matter.
Just because you call it friends, or you decide you can be friends, it doesn't dictate reality.
Simply because most of who you are is someone you don't know, and it's operating according to "programming" you can't touch, which will override in the long run what you make conscious everyday choices about.
Have you never heard the tale of the scorpion and the frog?
All you did was widen the river to cross.
From his perspective, you are the scorpion, and from your perspective, he is the scorpion. | |
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| Friends to sex to nothing
Posted: 7/5/2012 9:27:23 AM |
I'm sorry but with guys it's very simple.
Yep....I agree.
Let me share a little secret about confident men. We are not freaked out by feelings.....we either have them or we don't. So as others have said, he's simply not that in to you.
Also, don't place too much importance on the things he said.....some of his comments we're designed to bed you, while simultaneously creating an escape hatch if needed....and keeping the door open for an encore if the whim should strike him.
His actions tell you everything you need to know. We men ARE simple like that. | |
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