| | Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | | Frustrated with my partners borderline disrespectful way she talks to me sometimes. She speaks her mind, no matter how it makes people feel. I choose my words carefully before I speak. She seems to jump to conclusions, I look to see all sides of story before reacting. I am definetly without fault. When She talks to me with what I feel is disrespect, I feel that the gloves are off and then get mouthy with her. This has lead to some pretty good fights. The end results of these fights leads me feeling that I have to do all the work, and she doesn't need to meet me half way. How else can I try and reach her without things getting out of hand? | |
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| Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/5/2012 8:57:55 PM | for starters have a conversation about this with her when things are calm between the two of you. express your feelings and concerns about the dynamic that is developing and how you want to change it, or have both of you change it.
along with that, do not respond to her by mouthing off, you are just getting caught up in it the minute you allow it to cause you to mouth off. establish within yourself what your responses will be to diffuse the escalating situation.
that could be walking out of the room, the house, whatever works for you to keep yourself under control.
people treat us the way we allow them to treat us. it is up to you to set the standard of treatment you will allow and tolerate.
that is about all i can think of. some people love the control and drama. some want a response of any kind as long as it is a response. check yourself to see what you may be doing to contribute to her disrespect for you.
beyond that, give it the best effort you have from your end. that is about all you can do. then you have to decide if you are really compatible with her.
kaylee | |
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| Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/5/2012 8:58:12 PM | The end results of these fights leads me feeling that I have to do all the work, and she doesn't need to meet me half way...
This is the answer to your own question..the next question would be,what are you going to do do about it?? many people know the answers,but its mustering enough courage to follow through whats right.Its easier to ignore or forgive behaviors that you know you isnt right,or would put up from other people.I wouldnt call it borderline.either she does or dosent. | |
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| Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/5/2012 9:03:05 PM | You both are at fault in our communication problems. You don't feel she says what she has to say in the way you'd like her to and doesn't choose her words as carefully as you do and "seems" to jump to conclusions while you look at both sides before coming to a conclusion. When you feel disrespected you mouth off and feel justified in doing so. How am I doing?
Okay, well your communication styles are incompatible. I don't have a rabbit to pull out of my hat, what I can tell you is that you can only control your own behavior, not anyone elses. When you change how YOU behave, then the other person can't respond the same so they'll have to respond differently.
If you haven't communicated how you feel about all the aspects of your feelings you've related here, then that's where you should start. You should only do that at a "neutral" time, not when you're about to or have just had a disagreement. Noone can know how someone else feels unless they tell them. If you're assuming she should just know how you feel, then you're in the wrong on that.
If you can't develop a method for not just communicating thoughts and ideas but feelings, then your relationship is lacking an important element and won't be satisfactory in the longer term.
Just state how you feel, don't look to place blame. "When you say _____ it makes me feel _____." Keep it simple and straightforward. If you can't discuss this and agree on how to better communicate in the future, then it may be time to think about moving on. Be sure to watch your tone and avoid being condescending or overly sensitive.
Hope that helps!
southmeetswest I like the way you think!! We pretty much said the same thing, you must be brilliant......haha | |
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| Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/5/2012 9:44:54 PM | For the last two posters above me..........did you miss the word "sometimes" in the OP? If they don't communicate well "sometimes" then it means that sometimes they do. I don't throw out something if it's broken, I see if I can fix it first. If it's more broken than what I can fix, then I toss it and get a new one.
Dump and run is the easiest, but he is also at fault so he'll probably take this with him and continue on with the same problem next time. I say this is fixable. It's just an opinion. | |
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| Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/5/2012 10:06:05 PM | I just don't like having to draw a diagram everytime this sort of stuff is asked. What I meant is when one or the other is always trying to "win" an argument what have they won really? You won an argument but lost the relationship. Wow.
You both sounds like 2 completely diffrent people. Sometimes opposites attracts is a bunch of baloney. There's gotta be a common ground somewhere at the essence of each person. Which there isn't here. You can't change a person. Well, not for long. You could change the way you think, but that doesn't last too long either. Thus my original response. | |
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| Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/5/2012 10:17:04 PM | disrespectful way she talks to me sometimes
A lot of people just walk out of the room when someone is talking too disrespectfully towards them. Or, they firmly say: "Sorry, I do not want to talk to you about this. I find your tone of voice very disrespectful." Or. . . "Let's talk when you've calmed down a bit and can see things more clearly." That seems to work. I realize sometimes you need to let someone speak their mind and just unload their thoughts. Just sit back and listen. Don't take things too personally, but place some limits. However. . . it sounds as though the approach you are currently taking is to let her push your buttons and then you add fuel to the fire by your reaction. I wouldn't think that that would work very well. | |
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| Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/6/2012 2:54:36 AM | I am definetly without fault.
Is that so. Well I'd say you're about 100% at fault for choosing a diva.
But see, that's just my interpretation. Plus, anytime somebody tells me they're definitely without fault when it comes to an ongoing communication problem my BS radar is *on*. Frankly, it's impossible to say from what you've posted here what's going on between the two of you. "Borderline disrespectful".... that could mean anything from she's a diva to you're oversensitive to some combination of the above. "Like you have to do all the work", I'm scratching my head here. Does that mean you never win an argument? Does somebody need to win? Is this a fault-finding mission, or a power struggle? Does it mean you spend all your time reacting to her seemingly foregone conclusions? Are her conclusions wrong or did you just not like them? What are you even arguing about? SS/DD or is this just about how you feel every time you have an argument with her... like you did all the work but didn't win. Almost everything you've posted is open to lots of interpretation, and we only know your side of the story as you've chosen to tell it here. I did notice you used lots of leading language, which may or may mean what I think it might mean.
Have you told her what you've told us..... That you feel like she's borderline disrespectful? That she seems to jump to conclusions? If the two of you can't even agree with each other on how to define the terms of how you're talking with each other, nobody else is going to be able to coach you.
Loved the suggestion to move out when she isn't home, though. Good one. | |
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| Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/6/2012 3:13:06 AM | It´s my understanding respect should be earned. Obviously you have to do more homework.
If she´s ruled by prejudices or any predetermined state of mind, you have to work harder.
If she´s out of logic and unreasonble, you have to do all the walk, not only the half.
And if she´s just a stubborn... walk away and never argue. Stubborns always win by experience. | |
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| Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/6/2012 3:18:58 AM | Sorry OP,
but I am not feeling the love from you...
(or for you)
Your post has a highly accusative tone -- and you have the hide to add:
I am definetly without fault.
and from your headline in your profile:
Even a Broken Clock is right twice a day:)
Must you always be right?
...and then there is:
I feel that the gloves are off and then get mouthy with her. This has lead to some pretty good fights.
Why are the gloves off? Fighting dirty is not the way to have a healthy relationship.
Good fights OP? Hey, I am not saying you have to avoid issues, but this sounds like you enjoy the drama.
How else can I try and reach her without things getting out of hand?
How out of hand are things getting OP?
--this reeks of abuse to me.
Leave her, for her sake... | |
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| Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/6/2012 4:20:21 AM |
She speaks her mind, no matter how it makes people feel.
I don't see what's so bad about her speaking her mind. That's the way she is, and that's probably what attracted you to her in the first place. Would you rather her not speak her mind and agree with everything you say, even when you don't do the same (aka "I'm never at fault" you can't be serious?)
I belive in compromise when it gets to the point of repetitve-impossible-to-resolve-arguments. Someone has to to take the high ground and admit some times no ones 'right or wrong' and what is the real issue? Probably your own egos. Either you two are very much alike and are stubborn or there's more to this story. Either way, somethings got to give because it looks like a big exhausting waste of time. | |
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| Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/6/2012 4:45:25 AM | A lot of good responses, but I think Motown is closest to my reaction.
I too get my "spidy-senses" going when someone claims perfection (I am definetly without fault.).
I'll address some dynamics, which is what you zeroed in on, in your opening remarks, OP.
Frustrated with my partners borderline disrespectful way she talks to me sometimes.
Okay, that is a very vague thing to say. Being "disrespectful" is a judgement call. Not an independently verifiable event. What your claim of being "dissed" means in this case, is that you have a negative emotional reaction to HOW SHE EXPRESSES HERSELF. By your description, this is because you follow a systematic process of expression of your own design, and she does not. I too like to be careful and logical in my responses to events, so I can relate to your claimed process.
But you are mistaken in your demand that others adhere to your design, in order to have valid expressions. The single most important element about communication, isn't that it is logically or rationally conducted, but that it is successful It sounds to me as though you are actually using your procedural approach to arguing, as a trick to declare victory, rather than as a tool for YOU to come to a better understanding of things. You are playing a cheap game show trick on her (Jeopardy!), and yourself, along the lines of "You don't get the points, because your answer was not in the form of a Question." Thus in this aspect, I conclude that at the times you do this, that you are very much "with" fault.
Next, you can NOT claim the high ground as you try to do, if you also want to charge down into the gutter yourself. Here:
When She talks to me with what I feel is disrespect, I feel that the gloves are off and then get mouthy with her.
You openly declare that all the high-sounding crap you said about carefully choosing your words and seeing both sides, goes out the door as soon as you are ticked off. You are thereby in direct violation of one of my personal rules, which is "If your principles/morals vary according to how upset you are, then you don't actually HAVE any principles/morals."
You can't have it both ways, OP.
I would have to witness the actual argument to determine if I thought you or she was more in the right, or who had to "do all the work." Frankly, when I hear that two people are arguing, however they argue, it sounds like work is being done on both sides. Hint to consider: if you feel you "had to do most of the work," it sometimes means that you had the farthest road to travel, before you reached agreement. So in a very real way, it means that you were the most WRONG to begin with, and had the most adjusting to do.
That, or you were so insistent on the agreement being phrased in YOUR language instead of the other persons, that you dragged things on twice as long as needed, instead of learning the other person's "lingo." | |
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| Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/6/2012 6:10:59 AM | not sure why people keep fighting relationships that don’t work for them. If she is not your help meet she is not the woman for you.
Our world....outside our doors is volatile and mean and corrosive...inside our home is our sanctuary. Where the man/woman we are with keeps us sane. If you two don't give each other the peace you seek....find someone who will. | |
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| Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/6/2012 6:42:09 AM | Finger pointing in the other direction doesn't actually help to resolve anything. Although it might be nice to sit up on your self-appointed pedestal shining the spotlight of blame on your partner, that smug look on your face hasn't achieved progress to date, has it ?
You each have different communication styles. That's all this is. Recognize the simple fact and then determine what, if anything, can be done to close the void between your method and hers. Then consider, that although you can request she meets you halfway in finding a resolution, you can't actually enforce her doing so. You can control your actions but not hers.
So, are you willing to accept her communication style if she is not willing to try and change it ? If not, then this is rather a mute thread. If you spoke to her and explained that although you admire her honesty, sometimes the wording she chooses makes you feel disrespected, would she attempt at least, to think before speaking ?
Only you can determine what you are willing to accept from any other person. If this is a deal-breaker, then break the deal but you can't force her to amend her methods, she has to be willing to do that herself.
Something I have observed, is that when one person feels as though they are being blamed, they often retaliate by counter-attacking. Even if that is verbally. In order for her not to react in this way, she will need to feel that you aren't attacking her methods. Perhaps she reacts without thinking - instinctively when she feels a certain way. If she is willing to try and amend her communication methods, she first needs to be self-aware of when that situation is bubbling under her surface.
Something which is commonly suggested when couples are having communication issues, is to change any serious conversations so that they happen electronically for a short period of time. That way, the need to immediately reply is removed and a conversation doesn't escalate out of control in rapid time. It allows both parties to consider the words they select before sending and edit their immediate, automatic response so that each point is made respectfully without accusation.
Another method I've heard of, is for an dedicated item to act as a 'turn to speak' visual aid. It can be as simple as a stick. I have seen this method used in Elementary schools when there is a conflict between students. Only the student holding the stick may speak their mind, the other party has to listen. Once the speaker has completed what they want to say, they pass the stick to the other so they can respond under the same conditions.
Both of these methods might seem extreme but the objective is to make both parties aware of the words they choose, the tone in which they respond and the fact that when communicating, listening is just as important as speaking.
It's a temporary measure used to re-learn the communication patterns currently happening.
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| Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/6/2012 6:53:56 AM | I didn't have time to read all the responses...but here is just my initial thoughts.
Been in the same exact situation. She and I were together off and on and off and on etc....for a year and a half. The arguments started out small...with her asserting herself. Then they escalated to the point of her trying to dominate. Winning the battle but losing the relationship. Despite me trying countless different approaches, googling conflict mgmt styles etc....it just never worked. We parted ways and thankfully I am much happier and since the breakup I have seen her true colors show through. Trust me, you always see the true colors in the end.
My guess, your gf is perhaps uneducated? She has insecurity issues? She has maturity issues? She probably has never had a lasting stable respectful relationship? Going wayyyy out on a limb here, does she ever show empathy towards you or others? Genunie empathy? My ex didn't. I still wonder if my ex suffers from traits of BPD. Look it up, if you suspect the same...RUN!!! | |
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| Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/6/2012 8:01:29 AM |
I am definetly without fault.
I doubt that.
The end results of these fights leads me feeling that I have to do all the work,
If you are definitely without fault, you are perfect for the job.
When She talks to me with what I feel is disrespect, I feel that the gloves are off and then get mouthy with her.
That you focus on fault and justification dooms you to misery, whether in this relationship or another.
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| Feel like I am trying to make the relationship work, but she is not willing to meet me half way.
Posted: 7/6/2012 8:06:21 AM |
When She talks to me with what I feel is disrespect, I feel that the gloves are off and then get mouthy with her.
Just for the record, that's called having faults.
She speaks her mind, no matter how it makes people feel. I choose my words carefully before I speak
Not quite what you saidafter, eh?
I don't think your being honest, either with us, or most probably with yourself. I would suggest stepping back and getting a GOOD long look in the mirror. It's probably more of your fault than you realise, even though their might be as much if not more fault in her.
Bottom line, it isnt about laying blame, its about making a relationship work. Think of it, and run it, as you would a business. State your demands, listen to the counter proposals, make a decision half-way.
And if you cant negociate...break off the deal.
Its that simple. Or that complicated  | |
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