| | Time (together) & Relationships - Now broken up Page 1 of 1 | So I just had a breakup with my boyfriend.
We met under the strangest circumstances (no need to explain) but we fell very hard for each other and for once in my life, I felt as if I had met my soulmate. I reconsidered having more children and even marrying - something I never wanted to do.
However, we are now broken up...and why...because we were arguing all the time...and why were we arguing...well because I was upset he never had more time for my daughter, or myself in general. He works 2 jobs, plus has 2 bands, and a website on the side.
Obviously for us to fall in love with each other, he had to have time for us to bond. I don't know what happened or changed. He says he still loves me but had to end it because we're not the same and we're now broken.
My biggest complaint was that I wanted to spend more time. I'm sure there are men out there that would love that as their only spousal complaint.
I'm now stuck. I'm ripped apart at my core. I'm so sad and crushed and I feel lost. Even though we didn't spend much time together, it's a lot different knowing he is no longer there at all.
It hurts more knowing that I sit at home (single mom, not many valuable friends) and suffer the pain while he is out drinking and carrying on with his friends and band gigs.
Do I continue to fight for him...should I let him walk...
Him and I were not the usual couple. We were the type that people gagged over.
I've never been treated so well by someone and his only complaint about me, was that I was complaining about his time and he felt he couldn't measure up.
I'm dying inside. I have to stay strong for my little girl but how when I feel like my soulmate has just left my life...
Help!?
Advice?!
I came on here hoping I could occupy my mind and start dating others, but we all hope we can "rebound" but the truth of the matter...it is going to take a big WOW factor for someone to take my mind away from him.
I stumbled upon the forums and thought I would make use... | |
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| Time (together) & Relationships - Now broken up
Posted: 7/6/2012 8:19:26 PM |
Do I continue to fight for him...should I let him walk...
He told you it was over let the poor man be. Why would he want to be with someone who he is "arguing all the time" with.
In my personal experience even the busiest man will make/find time for you if he wants to be with you.
For example.. I work afternoons and evening Monday-Friday. My boyfriend works 6pm-6am with rotating days off. We both have hobbies, friends, etc outside the relationship. We make the time. Sometimes it may me coming over to crawl in bed with him to nap with him for a few hours before I have to go into work after he comes home from work. Or like today I got to see him for an hour and a half after I got off work and before he headed in since I worked a rare earlier shift.
My feeling is he just no longer is into you. It hurts you just have to put on your big girl panties and accept it. | |
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| Time (together) & Relationships - Now broken up
Posted: 7/6/2012 8:51:36 PM | | He is not willing to compromise his time period, how can you let him walk when he is already gone? Would you beg and say you are willing to be last on his list of things to do to get him back? Where would you be then......still alone and unhappy. Time to move on and find someone who wants to spend time with you. | |
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| Time (together) & Relationships - Now broken up
Posted: 7/6/2012 8:57:34 PM | | I was in a similar situation minus the child and add we were engaged. Honestly, it sounds like he really isn't worth your time. I know how you feel about not having a great support system but look at your daughter. She has unconditional love for you. Forget the ones that don't sweetie. You'll be doing yourself a favor in the long run. | |
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| Time (together) & Relationships - Now broken up
Posted: 7/6/2012 9:36:31 PM | I’m not sure I have help or advice for you. Pretty sure I don’t. Just wanted to say I hear you about being ripped apart and crushed. You sound devastated.
I gather he had more time before and now has less. And that must raise some doubts, I imagine, about whether it was his feelings that changed, not just his circumstances. He says you two are different, not the same, whatever that means. And you’re wondering whether you should fight for him.
So in addition to the searing pain of loss, there’s this uncertainty as well. Is it over? Is it irrevocably over? Was his available time really the only issue or did he start to care less than he did before?
Rock ‘n Roll widow we used to call them (there are golf-widows too) ‘cause they had to share their man with his passion, his craft, his occupation. I don’t know what kind of woman it takes to put up with that – someone with an equally-consuming passion of their own, I used to think. But I’m not sure that would work either – two stars in one bed?
Is there something worth fighting for here? Missing somebody horribly doesn’t mean it’s right to go back, or that going back would fix anything in the long run. You're right that many men would love it if ‘more time’ were the only complaint they ever heard. But this man felt inadequate to that request. Apparently.
I said no advice but some friends would help, eh? But you don’t find those overnight, specially not when you’re in despair. Yoga? It gets the pain moving through your body instead of setting up house. Your spirituality? Taking care of your body with enough sleep and good healthy food?
By the way, drinking and carrying on and playing gigs is no substitute for a woman’s love. He might not be doing so well as you think. | |
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| Time (together) & Relationships - Now broken up
Posted: 7/6/2012 9:57:05 PM | I am so sorry for your emotional pain. It sounds like you could use a support group. Your x is a work-a-holic. If you were a priority he would some how make it work. Let him go sweetie, his true love is is work.
Time is going to make things better. Sometimes things happen or don't happen for a reason. Just cherish the good time. Give yourself time to heal. Allow yourself to process all of your feelings.
If you get really depressed don't hesitate to talk to a counselor ot tell your doctor. You don't have to suffer. There is help all you have to do is accept it.
Good Luck,
Healing Hugs | |
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| Time (together) & Relationships - Now broken up
Posted: 7/6/2012 11:21:09 PM | I understand you're upset and feeling lonely and hurt. But if he wants out, it's best to just let him go and work on finding new things to make you and your daughter happy (hobbies, group activities, new friends, etc.). You say you don't have many "valuable" friends, but even acquaintances can provide distraction.
You don't say anything in your post about whether or not you were willing to compromise or if you had even discussed with him if this change in availability was a temporary thing or would be ongoing. It may have been too much for him to handle on top of all the other stressors/demands on his time, and if there were constant arguments, he may have been wondering if he could deal. I can't say I don't read minds. I can say from experience that I have had times in my life where my available free time was limited, and when I had a partner that couldn't understand or compromise with that, I left. It wasn't that I wasn't willing to spend time, it was just due to job/school demands I had less time. I know I resented having my little amount of time with my partner ruined by arguments about why i was so busy. That's just me but it may shed light on his side of things. | |
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| Time (together) & Relationships - Now broken up
Posted: 7/7/2012 12:08:04 AM | You can't keep fighting for him...I think a breakup is an ending to something, not the beginning of a debate or some sort of negotiation. Allow yourself to mourn the loss and you will start to feel better as time passes. Exercise, sleep (if you're able to) and healthy foods are always helpful, as the other poster suggested. Even just being outside or getting sun will make you feel better. In a few days you'll realize there is nothing wrong with wanting to spend more time with someone you love, the right man will give that to you without you even having to ask.
I don't see your daughter's age in the OP but if you can take her out to do activities or classes, that would be a great way for both of you to meet friends. Usually the children make a ton of friends and the parents become friends too.
Chin up! You are NEVER alone and you are ALWAYS loved. | |
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ivb1
| | Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 9 | |
| Time (together) & Relationships - Now broken up
Posted: 7/7/2012 4:30:41 AM | | I feel for you - truly. My wife left me after 21 years and it tore me apart. 15 monts on and i'm still dead on the inside. Time WILL heal but in all truth you may never truly heal. One day at a time is all that I can say, and yes, keeping strong for the children is all that we can do. I hope u find peace. ivb1 | |
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| Time (together) & Relationships - Now broken up
Posted: 7/7/2012 9:50:38 AM | I suggest you take a step back first, and figure out why he seems so wonderful for you.
My first suspicion is, that he is very high energy, and puts himself fully into everything he does, including you. It's why he CAN work those jobs, and be in those bands. Thing of it is, if he stopped being who and what he is, in order to focus on you, it's very likely that you'd stop feeling the very things that drew you to him to begin with. It's a common enough phenomenon. The thing that most attracts, is what makes someone ultimately incompatible.
He wasn't/isn't your "soul mate." He's just a good guy with lots of things for you to learn about yourself from, who doesn't have the TIME to be your "soul mate." | |
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| Time (together) & Relationships - Now broken up
Posted: 7/7/2012 7:03:43 PM | Yes, I'm pretty sure he isn't doing all that well.
I tried to let go and last night he texted me (after the bar of course) crying and telling me he missed me and was going to do something stupid. So what did I do, I ran to him and saw him off to bed.
I told myself that today I won't run to him...
Thank you for the response though. It helps... | |
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| Time (together) & Relationships - Now broken up
Posted: 7/7/2012 7:06:10 PM | I was more than willing to compromise and did so many times. I left my social gatherings early to go watch his gigs... I'm limited to the weekends I have free from my daughter so splitting my free time was difficult but I made it happen.
Last night he texted me late, after the bar hour...I left my friend to go "rescue" him in his moment of sadness... I regret it to say the least. Now I hurt all over again. | |
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| Time (together) & Relationships - Now broken up
Posted: 7/7/2012 10:17:09 PM | Obviously he wasn't your soulmate. That's a fantasy YOU built up for the way YOU wanted things to be. When things didn't go your way,the fighting started. You drove him away.
*I don't know what happened or changed*
Sure you do. You found a guy and decided that life was going to be peachy cuz he was your soulmate and decided he wanted exactly what you did out of life without taking into consideration he is a sparate individual with his own interest and passion,which you felt should be swept aside in deference for your own.
*My biggest complaint was that I wanted to spend more time. I'm sure there are men out there that would love that as their only spousal complaint.*
So the other complaints only added to his frustrations...
*I've never been treated so well by someone and his only complaint about me, was that I was complaining about his time and he felt he couldn't measure up.*
Demanding and smothering are never a good thing.
Try not being so needy next time around and learn that because two people are together does not mean they have to be joined at the hip.
If he walks,he walks. Get on down the road and use it as a learning lesson. | |
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| Time (together) & Relationships - Now broken up
Posted: 7/7/2012 11:24:45 PM | I can see your despair over this breakup OP.
Imo : he is not the right man for you, not your soulmate.
this problem I dont think will occur with a soulmate.
Try to do more things with your child and with friends so as to not spend too much
time alone thinking about him and what you wished could have been.
Try to remember that most of us here have been through painful breakups and things do begin to
start feeling better in time. The time is different for each person.
With all the drinking you described him as doing it sounds like being in a relationship with him
can lead to problems down the road anyway.
I wish you the best OP. | |
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