| | Falling for him?Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | So yes, one of my last posts was about having sex and dating others at the same time. I did choose to not be FWB's any longer and have been waiting for this other guy to get back that I really like.
Well great- in the last 6 weeks I've ended up starting to fall for the old FWB. And I don't know what I should do about it since I'm not sure I exactly want to fall for him. He's not perfect in bed but I know It would get better, he's super messy, doesn't have perfect manners. But there's something very charming, hilarious, wise about him that I really really like.
This other guy Isn't even texting me on a regular basis and It doesn't seem like he's very interested though he claims to be very interested. He's stable, got his shit together, handsome, driven... A guy that I should be dating and want to date.
I feel like I'm going to lose the first guy if I start dating the second one though? I feel like I won't stop thinking about the first. I can't exactly describe the way I feel about him but I think I'm slowly growing with him...
Advice? | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/7/2012 3:46:16 AM | | Sounds to me like you've *already* "lost" the other guy. Which isn't surprising, he probably sensed there's someone else in the picture that you seem to be putting all your emotional energy into, he's "backed off" and you are still spending all your energy on the "FW/OB" (former FWB). | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/7/2012 4:06:06 AM | | Abelian, is right. You are afraid of losing your safety net. This is also another reason why FWB doesn't work because somenone seems to always catch feelings beyond the benefits part. Now, what's going to happen when you approach your FWB about you falling for him and he tells you he doesn't feel that way about you? | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/7/2012 4:09:59 AM | To you, both of these men are just a means to your own ends because you're objectifying each one of them but for slightly different reasons. The entire basis of your line of questioning is self-centered, even though you can't quite articulate your own thoughts. So it would be natural and fitting that Mr. FWB would accept you as you are because he's got nothing to lose and the sex is obviously a slam dunk, but the other guy who has his shit together and bigger objectives than just banging you, would hesitate. Smart man.
Somehow I think your options are more limited than you've led yourself to believe. | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/7/2012 4:34:02 AM | Being sexually irresponsible is not a very flattering trait.
Using men for the purposes of filling your "dance card," is shanty, too. | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/7/2012 9:28:32 AM | How do you choose between someone you think you OUGHT TO go after, and one that turns you on?
Best answer: don't.
Instead, the fact that you are facing such a conundrum, indicates that you do not know yourself well enough to be making a choice.
Since you do appear to be in a sort of selfish mode, I suggest that you use that to accomplish what you need to. That is, figure out the real reasons why the guy you are hot for, lights your fire. The reason to do so, is NOT so that you can "celebrate and enjoy your relationship," in this case, it's because it's very likely that the reasons you like him, are self-destructive.
For example: "he's super messy, doesn't have perfect manners. But there's something very charming, hilarious, wise about him that I really really like." This might, if you really ponder it a bit, translate to "since he really doesn't give a damn about me, I don't feel as though I am obligated to behave myself or be responsible for anything, and that's very freeing for me." Or, "He's nothing like my dad (irresponsible), so I don't have any itchy subconscious worries about incest." Or, "because we have sex for the sake of sex, and there's no pressure to 'perform,' sex is naturally more fun (which it would be with ANYONE you didn't feel you had to do well for), and that in turn triggers me to follow the fantasy notion that good sex =good relationship (which is false, or rather not linked in any way positive or negative)."
What ever yo figure out when you ponder all the details within you, you have to figure out what you THINK about what you feel about each guy, until you can say for sure that you AGREE with what you think. After you do that, and own it, you will be able to make a choice without guilt. | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/8/2012 12:09:02 PM | | You my friend are what is commonly refered to as: a hoe. | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/9/2012 1:00:14 PM |
I feel like I'm going to lose the first guy if I start dating the second one though? I feel like I won't stop thinking about the first. I can't exactly describe the way I feel about him but I think I'm slowly growing with him...
This sounds like a case of any c0ck'll do.  | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/9/2012 1:49:26 PM |
I did choose to not be FWB's any longer and have been waiting for this other guy to get back that I really like.
Probably too late... The "other guy" most likely knows you were FWBing other guys and wants no part of it....
This other guy Isn't even texting me on a regular basis and It doesn't seem like he's very interested though he claims to be very interested. He's stable, got his shit together, handsome, driven...
Well, if he knows you were in a FWB, he may not want you at all... or he may be sitting back and seeing if you truly have finished with the FWB part of your life...
If he doesn't know you were in a FWB, then he's probably too stupid to date...
Well great- in the last 6 weeks I've ended up starting to fall for the old FWB. And I don't know what I should do about it since I'm not sure I exactly want to fall for him.
If he wanted more, he wouldn't have been your FWB...
FWB's for guys are generally a girl who is good enough to fcuk, but not good enough to date...
Advice?
Cut off ALL contact with the FWB...
1... I would NEVER date a woman who is still in contact with her FWB... I think most guys would feel the same way...
2... A FWB is a disposable friend... or should be... They will only get in the way later on...
3... If you keep the FWB around, sooner or later, any other guy you date will know he was your FWB... either he or someone else will spill the beans.... (See #1 again)
4...The guy might want to keep you as a FWB, but might do the "relationship" thing just long enough for you to dump any other guy that comes along... then it will be back to FWB.... Essentially maintaining the steady easy sex....
5... The guy might want to keep you as a FWB, by sabotaging any relationship thing you form so that you will go back to FWB.... Essentially maintaining the steady easy sex.... | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/9/2012 2:03:41 PM | Damn, what a mess.
Don't people buy vibrators anymore? | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/9/2012 2:08:26 PM | | I guess batteries cost more than condoms. | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/9/2012 9:15:13 PM | | I was in a similar situation only I don't do fwb. I never believed in love at first sight untill I met someone from on pof. I have had a wall around my heart for years I figured I would get hurt again. At the time I met this guy I was going thru a lot and wasn't sure I was going to stay where I'm from or move. So rather than string him along only to leave I thought I was doing the right thing by setting him "free". I had dated another man off and on but the first guy was always ony mind. I wrestled with the thought of saying screw it I'm going to make this work with the first guy regardless of the distance but didn't want to hurt the second guy. I was really torn about this decision I decided to see the second guy because he was closer to me distance wise. I still kept in contact with the first guy and read one text over and over again about how I know how to hurt a guy. I felt really bad and realized I really care for this first guy we agreed to meet up and talk and I decided I cared enough about this guy I need to give it a chance if we loved each other nothing matters you make it work. Well I realized all he wanted to make it work for was so he could hurt me like I did him. My point follow your heart the first time because you may not have a chance to follow it again!!! Good luck. | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/9/2012 9:29:34 PM | Dont bite off more than you can chew. FWB I cannot do because I am so driven by intimacy and chemistry. If I were to have a FWB I would never ever see them again, hence to not develop feelings. But Ive been introduced to bob, and he is amazing.
heart breaker either way! | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/9/2012 10:03:52 PM | A real FWB doesn't care if you date someone else. That's pretty much the entire point. A friend with benefits is someone that you'e sexually attracted to, are good friends with, but you know you wouldn't work out in a relationship with them, so you don't attempt anything beyond the friends and the sex. It's a really simple, cool, situation.
The only problem with FWB is when people say they're in that situation and aren't. They're actually just having sex with someone that's "not that into them" a bootycall (thus the not even friends part), or a drunken regret that's happened a few times. That's when the problems occur. | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/9/2012 10:44:18 PM | | I dont get why if you like having sex with a person and you are good friends why that would not constitute a real relationship. Is that not what we want in a partner ? I say that one or the other person will always become more involved and that is where the trouble starts. I would not want to know that someone I was involved with that way was seeing others willy nilly. These FWB situations suit men much more than a woman especially in the long run. | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/9/2012 10:54:05 PM | Because there is more to a relationship than good sex and good friends.
Here's a very good example for anyone who doesn't get the concept. Go through your same sex friends. Would you share a house with each one of them?
Personality clashes, other issues that may crop up from being around a person too much, etc. can make (non desperate) people (with foresight) see that someone is not worthwhile for a long term serious relationship, even if they get along wonderfully in the short term. If two people are on the same page with this, they can have a fulfilling friendship and have fun until one, the other, or both, meets someone they can have everything with. | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/10/2012 3:50:21 AM |
good sex =good relationship
I find this really sad that people even think this way. Don't get me wrong. Sex is great... I love it... but I do NOT want to have it with just anyone. Trust me it is much more fun to have sex with someone you are in love with and have a strong emotional bond than someone you don't.
Men tend to be visual, meaning your FWB is probably just that in his mind... You are just a good and easy lay for him. He is able to have his freedom to be single and flirt with others, do as he pleases and have a great sex life with no responsibilities to a relationship.
Women (most) tend to be more emotional when it comes to sex and we relate deeper emotion to sex than men do. Thus we connect love with sex. The problem with that starts when you do not take the time to establish that emotional bond on both parts. Then we have put ourselves in a situation where we want more, but they don't.
The easiest way to prevent that is not to have sex until you have built a sturdy foundation for a relationship to build on. If you cannot do that, most the time it is just that... Sex... nothing more. | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/11/2012 9:10:28 AM | | am i slow or what can you tell me whats a FWB is please | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/11/2012 12:15:44 PM |
am i slow or what can you tell me whats a FWB is please
[F]riends [W]ith [B]enefits
Essentially, people who are friends first, who have sex with each other but have no plans to have a relationship with each other...
There are a few things to consider however...
1... It's usually not monogamous... unless both people are honest and agree to be...
2...It can (but usually doesn't - as in "hardly ever") lead to a relationship....
3...It's considered to be "safer" STD wise than meeting other people for sex... (but only if monogmaous)
4...Often it's acquaintances with benefits (broad definition of friends)
5...It can happen that it leads to the end of the friendship once the benefits are over...
6...The "friend" may not like the "benefits" to end... and may create problems... (See #5 again)
7...A new relationship partner may not want the ex-FWB around (See #5 again) | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/11/2012 1:08:27 PM | | I would go with neither and find someone else. Cut both of them out. | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/11/2012 1:34:01 PM | at m_church
Cut off ALL contact with the FWB...
1... I would NEVER date a woman who is still in contact with her FWB... I think most guys would feel the same way...
2... A FWB is a disposable friend... or should be... They will only get in the way later on...
3... If you keep the FWB around, sooner or later, any other guy you date will know he was your FWB... either he or someone else will spill the beans.... (See #1 again)
4...The guy might want to keep you as a FWB, but might do the "relationship" thing just long enough for you to dump any other guy that comes along... then it will be back to FWB.... Essentially maintaining the steady easy sex....
5... The guy might want to keep you as a FWB, by sabotaging any relationship thing you form so that you will go back to FWB.... Essentially maintaining the steady easy sex....
you are quite the insightful individual....
i think the reason why ALOT of people are in a dating "plateau" and been online dating for SEVERAL years is because of this.... the OP seems to be one of those people.....
and what you said about "good enough to f!ck but not good enough to date, describes my situation perfectly. my current fwb has "issues" like cheating on past boyfriends, and getting caught shoplifting. she's hinted at wanting more. i'm just not gonna go there. um.... yeah..... hehe. | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/11/2012 6:38:53 PM | | If I understand this correctly, it doesn't sound like the 2nd guy is interested any longer, so no situation to ponder | |
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| Falling for him?
Posted: 7/11/2012 8:59:52 PM | i agree with "igor" (as i usually do)
but i would add, use condoms, whatever you do.
and the part about knowing the sex will get better..no, it won't.
you either like him messy and ill mannered or you don't.
the other guy..well, you lost me on the rest of it. | |
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