| | Am I Doing The Right Thing. Would like a man's perspective as well.Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | I got out of an abusive relationship almost 3 years ago this june 8th. I was with the guy for almost 6 years. I endured abuse 90 percent of that time. Anyway, he kicked out my eldest son and his blood son and we had to go live in a woman's abusive shelter for 45 days, because we had no where else to go. So you can kind of picture what we went through. He was the dad of my eldest now (10) since he was 2 but now, he wants nothing to do with him. Even on the phone in February, he told me, Del is not my son, I don't give a f*** about him!!! So I hung up. He has even called his own son a **stard numerous of times.
He told me he wants to give up his parental rights etc...
1 month ago he told me that i need to find another parent for them, because, I was complaining how hard I had it and how easy he has it. I only will give him my house phone number because, i have changed my cell number numerous times; since I left.
Yes he does pay child support, which is the only good thing about him. Since the kids and I haven't been living there, he hasn't given them any Christmas presents well I take that back, last christmas 2011 he did give them 20.00 each. But his son's bday was March 7th and last year, he asked me if he could borrow 328.00 and this year, he didn't show up to his bday party at chuckee cheeses.
So am I wrong for not really letting him see his son? He only calls when he wants something, he's bipolar, he comes to my mom's job; has even argued with her there. And I will not let him know my address anymore, because the last 2 places, I lived at he always came over acting crazy; last year at the new apartment, I told him the name of the complex and he looked for my jeep and knocked on the doors surrounding the jeep, til he found me.
My reasons are for not really letting him;
1. he is crazy
2. He wants my youngest to be raised by another man.
3. He doesn't care for his son's bday; he even bought some other woman's kids presents for theirs.
4. I don't trust him.
5. I sometimes get scared when I do see him but that has gotten better since, we have been kicked out 3 years ago.
6. Because, he is selfish and I know my kids deserve better. I know I sometimes feel selfish but I think that's guilt and I shouldn't feel guilty for being the best mom I can be by myself! I do it all school, work and homework the motherly thing etc..and he doesn't do crap for his. When I am done with school, I will let go of child support and he can sign his rights away; because, deep down I know he knows, they deserve better.
I know that this is long but please take the time out to read it, I really need to know from a man's point of view and a woman's if I am doing wrong or right.
And no, we have not been to court YET. Guess I am waiting for that day too!
I posted this on yahoo answers but than I found that pof has a forum for questions and such. So I am curious to what everyone thought. There is more to this story but this is the jist of most of it. | |
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| Am I Doing The Right Thing. Would like a man's perspective as well.
Posted: 7/7/2012 3:26:55 PM | Im glad you finally got away from the abuse.
there is always two sides to a story.
Yes it is wrong for you to keep your son from seeing his father....it will and can backfire on you!
whatever happen between you and your ex is between you and him.
Take your issues to court and let the Judge settal the matter....if your ex wants to give up his rights thats his choice. but more than likly he will still have to pay child support. Depends what your state laws says....
I will for sure ask for a DNA report making sure he is the father, or he might bring it up and request a DNA test from the court. | |
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| Am I Doing The Right Thing. Would like a man's perspective as well.
Posted: 7/7/2012 3:33:34 PM | Why would I ask for a DNA test. 1. he signed the birth certificate and 2. my son looks like a splitting image of his father and his grandfather.
I am not keeping my son from him, because of what he did to me. I am keeping him from him because of him and what he does and still does and does not do.
You must not have read what I wrote about him.
There was a time, where I went back to his house and I don't remember what he was soooo peed off about. But this shelf that I had put together, he picked up and threw it and it landed a little over a foot away from his son and crashed. My son started backing up and we both were than heading to the door.
I have given him plenty of opportunity to see his child. This March, told him the time and place of his bday party and he never showed up or called!! And last year, he asked me for money! He dates other women with children and does for those kids! So come on now...this man is a deadbeat! Point blank! | |
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| Am I Doing The Right Thing. Would like a man's perspective as well.
Posted: 7/7/2012 5:09:58 PM | All I'll say is, that if a person declares that they don't think that they HAVE a child, that it makes sense NOT to let them see said child. After all, it wouldn't make sense to let a stranger visit alone with your child, and that's what he has declared is true.
But you do want to be careful that you don't take such an action only as a bit of emotional revenge.
Since I know exactly what it is like to have been married to a bipolar person, I know all too well that NORMAL "ex" reasoning does not apply. My own ex abused her children psychologically, and never apologized to them for it, but still expects me to help persuade them to want to associate with her. Not near as bad as you describe, but still, I will only carry messages between them, I wont force anything. Naturally, I tend to be more on your side. | |
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| Am I Doing The Right Thing. Would like a man's perspective as well.
Posted: 7/8/2012 7:15:20 AM | Debydu; I understand you on that one completely. I tried to keep contact for the kids and what not but my youngest his blood son; calls him Shawn and not Dad. I don't discuss him in my household at all. Don't feel the need to.
You're right, the only way I am truly ever going to grow is away from him. | |
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| Am I Doing The Right Thing. Would like a man's perspective as well.
Posted: 7/8/2012 7:30:50 AM | If you want sole custody of the child and from what you said he has said, he doesn't want to be a father to either child anyway's , then take him to court and get sole custody of your child.
He will still have to pay to support the child, regardless.
Point is, as long as you are dealing with him on these crazy terms, he's going to drive you effing crazy.
If your child wants to see his father then go to court and get a court order for visitation, etc.
If you are scared of him and what he might do to you or if your child is, get a no contact/restraining order or peace bond, whatever the case is for where you live.
What it boils down to is that you have to get legal on his ass if you want to take care of this bad situation. | |
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| Am I Doing The Right Thing. Would like a man's perspective as well.
Posted: 7/8/2012 11:00:17 PM |
When are women going to realize that they don't own their children? Having a vagina doesn't make you a superior parent by default ladies!
You have zero right to dictate whether or not your children see their father regardless of what you think of him. Your opinions don't matter. Period.
Some women ARE the superior parent... When a man PROVES he is a shitty parent, that's not a default. When a woman proves to be a shitty mother, the man becomes the only parent- there are plenty of those men here and I applaud them for stepping up. There are plenty of men who co-parent with their ex and I applaud them. But not all people are cut out to be parents, when that happens it is better for the kids to not have a dad than to have a terrible dad who is verbally and physically abusive.
If you don't like it... then you shouldn't have had sex with him. Own up to your mistakes and your past, and do your job as a mother.
For some of us, keeping our kids' dad away from them IS owning up to our mistakes. It's our way of saying "I F'd up, I slept with a complete ass and I will deal with the problem."
Our job- not just as a mother, any parent whether male or female- is to protect our children. If that means being the only parent in their life, that's just how it is...
I'd crucify you in a court-room if you tried that with me AFTER I devoted my life to destroying yours. You risk getting seriously hurt when you come between a loving father and his children. Its a natural protective instinct all men have over their children and wives. Expect to be shot.
what was the last grade you finished in school?? Exactly what in her post gave you the impression that her ex is a "loving dad"??? WTF
There are only two things "ALL MEN" have in common... A brain in their head and a****in their pants, so to say there is a "protective instinct all men have over their children and wives" is complete bull! Some men are so "protective" of their wives and kids they beat them all up... Not all men are the same. Neither are ALL women the same. I thought everyone knew that... | |
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| Am I Doing The Right Thing. Would like a man's perspective as well.
Posted: 7/9/2012 6:05:48 PM | No, I don't feel stupid because you don't bother reading what is right in front of your face. You may have more formal education than me, but that makes you neither smarter- nor wiser. I am far from a femi-nazi, I am the one who said not ALL men are the same. i.e.- a man who will shoot his own child is NOT protective of his wife and kids as you CLAIM all men are. See, I did NOT make sweeping generalizations, you did... sweeping generalizations are naïve
You are seriously deluded if you believe you've never known a single abused woman. WHY? Because you never "saw" the man hit her? (by the way 1 in 4 women in America has been abused by a significant other. 1 in 5 men have as well.) No one ever SAW my ex hit me (except our four children who were “blessed” with front row seats), that does not mean I'm making it up. For the record I didn't decide he couldn't see his kids. THE COURT decided that it was not in our kids' best interest to be alone with him after he used a pellet gun to discipline them. It doesn't take a medical professional to know that you aren't supposed to shoot your own children, I actually figured it out on my own, I GUESS I should have told him but I THOUGHT it was obvious. Our custody arrangememt, and his lack of visitation is not because of my "opinion" of him, it is full physical and legal custody to me in order to keep the kids safe, because CPS says it is neccessary. So yeah, proffessionals have agreed that sometimes it is better for the kids. But thanks for your input, I'm sure a car mechanic/pilot knows far more about what is best for my kids (whom he has NEVER spoken to, unlike the judge, CPS, and the family services mediator) than any of the qualified proffessionals that participated in the decision- I'll make sure to let them know that you would much rather I give him custody.... because you know SOOOO much
Also, educated or not, I missed where in your education you gained a proffessional degree that makes you qualified to know what kind of MORALS I have?
A man paying child support is not a guaranteed indication of love. It's an indication that either he fears going to jail as a dead beat, his wages are automatically garnished for child support, OR he loves his child.
I sympathize with the OP because I have heard men tell their children they don’t want them- I know what kind of damage that causes. You’re right, I don’t have both sides of the story- but then, I didn’t outright attack the OP for her feeling her ex shouldn’t see his son, nor did I outright attack her ex. If they have no visitation agreement, she is responsible to do what is BEST for her son until one is in place. Her ex has every right to go to court and request a visitation arrangement if he feels she’s been unreasonable and he also has the right to request custody if he feels he would be a better parent. Personally, if my ex said he wanted to sign over his parental rights, I would take that to mean he has acknowledged he is not a good father and wants out and I would let him do it… | |
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| Am I Doing The Right Thing. Would like a man's perspective as well.
Posted: 7/9/2012 6:07:52 PM |
Are you not letting the father see his son or are you not letting your son see his father? Regardless though, it does not sound like he wants to be his father, if everything you stated is true.
This is a valid question- when your son ASKS to see his dad, even if he calls him by his name, do you let him? | |
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| Am I Doing The Right Thing. Would like a man's perspective as well.
Posted: 7/10/2012 4:56:40 AM | Do NOT bother to reply to VeeDub Evo III. I have read many many posts from this bitter, jaded and just plain wrong man to realise he has an agenda bigger than the land mass of Australia and just loves to put his own personal pain on to EVERY post involving a dead beat father.
OP... however bad the dad is... do try to allow some channels to remain open. Go to court... get something in place. When your son is older, it will help if he knows that you did nothing to oppose his relationship with his father. It is HARD... being a parent is hard enough God knows. But try to keep those lines of communication open. My own situation... dead beat dad, alcoholic, kid now 20 and has only seen dad once in the last 5 years (was in ICU after he injured himself after a drunken fall). But she CAN see him if she wants. She doesn't. Never got a cent of child support. Lent him money. Tried to make things work, Oh and VeeDub... I gave us 11 years of marriage before bailing. | |
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| Am I Doing The Right Thing. Would like a man's perspective as well.
Posted: 7/11/2012 1:07:03 PM | OK, I had to put my $.02 in here. As a parent, you not only have the right but the responsbility to give your children the opportunity to grow up to be a decent person. If that means keeping them away from a reprehensable and vile parent, then that's what you need to do. Just because a man uses his penis to father a child doesn't make him a DAD. if he can't or won't show the child love and affection and teach that child to grow up responsible and accountable then they do not need to be in that child's life. They gave up that priveledge.
If this guy is the way you describe, the kids need to be saved from being exposed to his destructive and detrimental influences. | |
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| Am I Doing The Right Thing. Would like a man's perspective as well.
Posted: 7/12/2012 12:13:18 AM | | Depending on the circumstances and the age of the child, it may be best to not let him have contact with the father at all, regardless of whether the child wants to until you can go to court and get it settled. Sometimes children have to be protected from themselves. And Vee_Dub is a fukking moron even by internet standards. | |
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| Am I Doing The Right Thing. Would like a man's perspective as well.
Posted: 7/12/2012 10:16:32 AM | Haven't and probably won't read all the responses but here in NE I'm going through the same thing. Except my story isn't like yours with abuse and what not. My child's father wants his rights relinquished. I figured out a way to do it, found another case and everything. Same situation just names needed to be changed in order to present it right. My attorney asked both the Judge in my County and the next County over if they would allow it. They said absolutely not that "Just because a person produces a child and then decides he doesn't want to provider for said child, we are not going to let him out of his responsibilities." My lawyer told me that the judges laughed for 2 minutes when he said the father was willing to sign away rights. The one Judge said-Exactly my point. He made the child let him be responsible. My only way to have rights relinquished fully is to get married and have my husband adopt.
Easier said than done. And the point to that story is...even if you find a way to do it don't be disappointed if you can't. I can read like everyone else and sometimes the Laws that were created to help you really hurt you in the long run. And even though I want to scream discrimination I haven't decided what my next move will be. I say forget about him and what he gives them for birthdays and Christmas, because honestly, those are wants not needs. Just focus on the fact you get child support. He's not claiming his kid ... you're still getting child support so don't even answer when he calls. If he comes knockin' pretend you ain't home. | |
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| Am I Doing The Right Thing. Would like a man's perspective as well.
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:18:50 PM | I'm curious Veedub, It sounds like you have a lot of personal motivation and abviously a working head on your shoulders to accompish all you described. Don't know why you didn't name Eagle Scout if you achieved it. THat in itself is quite an accomplishment and I congradulate you.
The problem is the way you comunicate with people on here makes you sound like an idiot with no sence of being able to articulate your thoughts in a clear and cohesive manner. Obviously with all the schooling you've had, there has to be more going on upstairs than the smidgeon you present in your coments. Why not take the time to be less agressive and hostile and present a clear and well reasoned point ov view? | |
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| Am I Doing The Right Thing. Would like a man's perspective as well.
Posted: 7/13/2012 6:04:28 PM | dude who are you? I would never even be with you for one thing! you sound just as shitty as my ex. Plus, this has nothing to do with revenge!! It's called safety for my children! I grew up just like them; with a shitty ass dad and I know how they will feel about him when they get older my eldest son is over it. My youngest calls him Shawn and he does that on his own!!! I don't bring him up in our household; because, I respect my kids.
The sad thing is that you will read what you will read. I guess if you let Geoffrey domer or however you spell his f ing name. He too should be involved in raising his kids...since he is obviously the perfect man and he too will keep his family in tact!!! BS! Get real dude!!
He wants my youngest to be raised by another man, he told me this in April; that they would be better off with another man, sorry you're having a hard time but you will find someone for them!!! he said those exact words that will forever be placed in my head. Just like the ****ed up forearm I will always have cuz of him twisting it! | |
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| Am I Doing The Right Thing. Would like a man's perspective as well.
Posted: 7/13/2012 6:06:53 PM | | plus you write do my job as a mother? Umm ever since I found out I was pregnant 6 years ago; I have been doing my job! I have worked 2 jobs gone to school full-time and been a betty crocker brady bunch mother; and that is some real shit! It sounds like you were done wrong and you probably treated your ex badly too! | |
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| Am I Doing The Right Thing. Would like a man's perspective as well.
Posted: 7/13/2012 6:14:34 PM | Lets see here, Feb. 2012. He went into my mom's job, she is a manager at Long john silvers here in michigan city, indiana; he is now banned from the store. He went ballistic!! Oh my god, I am the reason he is paying support; not because he went there because I asked for it. He put us in a woman's abusive shelter and my eldest was crying his ass off; and so was his youngest child.
He isn't a loving dad...what is your definition of a loving dad? Because, I honestly feel that you're mental. You don't have to be a trained professional to see when someone is crazy.
His dad, once told me after we broke up. He said, had you not had a child with him; I would have told you to leave him. He use to get in fist fights with his dad and his dad locked himself in his own bedroom!!!! Come on now.. I have text messages where his own step mom THIS YEAR was going to call the cops on his ass; because, he was calling her and calling her names because he wanted my address lmao...yeah I am really going to do that again, give him my address. If you live in Michigan city, come to my house and I will show you my 2 old cell phones with the text messages from him and his step mom!!!
Oh yeah, by the way, him and his step mom are visiting the kids next month and they sad, I quote" there will be no need to tell shawn about us coming to visit." Because it is just grandmother and grandpa time!!! Come on now!! why would his own parents say shit like that??? | |
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