| | Taker or Giver?Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | I've been here a few months now, and I've come to the conclusion there's 2 kinds of profiles. Those that tell you what they'll do to make you happy, and those that tell you what you have to do to make them happy. I'm speaking from a male perspective, as I don't visit too many male profiles.
I know nobody means what I'm implying, but I can't help but notice it. It also might give insight into what you might be getting into, should you try that person.
Am I wrong? | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/8/2012 2:32:03 PM | There is a wide variety of profiles. Bottom line for people is are they attracted to the photos? And how about the profile content? I personally have learned from experience on here is take all of it like a grain of salt. A lot of profiles on here are designed to sell what people wish they were, not who they are. Meaning people will write what they think will attract someone. The fun part is ( not ) figuring out if that is indeed who the person is !
I personally will not use this site to meet anyone else ~ it has been nothing but bad experiences for me. Some people have been very fortunate and have met honest, cool people. I am happy for those who have not been railroaded by fake people. Sad but true. It is common on here, as any dating site.
All you can do is find someone you may have things in common with, and the attraction. Then, meet ASAP because you obviously, cannot go off just photos and content. Then, if there even IS a connection, get to know that person as well as you can. | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/8/2012 2:32:36 PM | Sound observation. Usually you can notice when a person is talking more about what they are looking for than what they offer. I don't pay much attention to profiles like that. My profile tells more about me than about what I'm looking for. When reviewing women's profile, I advise them to do the same. Reason being is because those that, CHOOSE to lie will do so REGARDLESS of your efforts to filter them out. By putting a messload of intangibles in your profile (excluding hieght, wieght, ethnicity preferences which I feel are necessary); your simply telling them what lies to tell you.
Besides, the LESS you tell about yourself...the more people judge you based soley on your pictures. It doesn't take much traded convo to realize when the person who is talking to you hasnt read your profile (if you're clever). | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/8/2012 2:43:04 PM | | There r such a wide variety of profiles.... at times the profiles give you a insight into who someone might be... I find all the negative profiles rather sad.... | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/8/2012 4:43:57 PM | I've read alot of male/female profiles while on the forums. If I was perusing them for datinig purposes, the only categories I would be able to put them in would be:
-attractive to ME
- not attractive to ME
-meh
If you feel there's a negative/controlling tone that turns you off, then pass that one by.
If someone piques your interest through their photos and what they've written, ask to meet them. You may get a basketful of great surprises, and meet someone who ticks all of your boxes, and you, theirs.
MrsF | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/8/2012 4:58:55 PM |
I know nobody means what I'm implying, but I can't help but notice it.
i think you have a fair rule of thumb, since what you're judging is tone. when i was still searching, i concluded tone was the most reliable information profiles provided, since it can't be faked very easily. it always seemed incongruous to see a profile of a women who wanted the 'relationship,' but made no case for why she was a good candidate for one, or didn't gear her message for guys who wanted one.
i think it's wise to make certain allowances because not everyone is comfortable expressing themselves in writing. but yes, you gotta see something besides 'what can you do for me?' | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/8/2012 5:04:19 PM | Exactly. I got lucky, met somebody (though not on this site). I look for positive upbeat statements in profiles, because that is what Iam. I look for what you want, not what you don't want. There are always two ways to state the same premise. Unfortunately many only go by picture and never read the profiles.
Online dating if no different to IRL dating. You cannot suspend common sense, It is just another avenue. | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/8/2012 5:09:20 PM | I dunno OP. I have been at this for what seems to be a lifetime and there are SO many different kinds of profiles. The two "types" that I see most often? Desperation (saying what one thinks the opposite gender WANTS to read) and the straight up "take me or leave me, it's really not a big deal to me either way" type. I've had all sorts of profiles here in the years I've been here and I don't think any of mine would match what you're seeing. I believe your observation is likely accurate for a good number of people ~ I just likely got to the "walking on beaches, cuddling on the couch" stuff and hit the back button.  | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/8/2012 6:01:34 PM | I think one can certainly sort profiles in various ways, certainly including the way that you note here, OP. The trick is, I believe, to try to keep in mind that YOUR sorting doesn't actually limit THEIR possible reality.
Specifically, though I too have seen the sort of characteristics you describe, where some profiles seem to emphasize what they are offering, while others focus more on what they are after, I suspect that this is less a reflection on the sort of people they happen to be, than of the time of their lives they happened to be going through when they did their writing.
If someone had most recently come out of a situation where they felt their needs had not been met, for example, they might be more likely to talk about what they want from the next person. It's not that they are especially self-focused, it's just that that was what was foremost in their minds as they wrote. Someone else might be feeling a bit extra lonely and hungry for affection, or even for the opportunity to have someone to care about. They would tend to write about what they were offering, rather than what they want.
No matter what, even a prodigious writer is not likely to be able to portray their dynamic life all that comprehensively in a static one-page begging/bio. | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/8/2012 6:47:13 PM | I did get a bit extreme when I said either or, but I have noticed the "tone" mentioned above. Yes, it is hard to write profile, a commercial if you will. So I do consider that.
I do appreciate the posts, a lot of good input, aand insight I hadn't considered. Thanks! | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/8/2012 6:58:09 PM | The "I's" have it. If there are too many of them then it is all about them...but then again it is their profile so not sure how one can say what they want without using a few "I's"
About the only time I really click off a profile quickly is when a picture attracted me and then I read " I have a child and my child comes first" | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/8/2012 8:40:56 PM | | I have no idea what my profile shows me as, but in person I'm a giver. I had to learn that it's okay to take sometimes LOL As a giver I had to learn to not be a doormat. | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/8/2012 9:27:55 PM | That's interesting, it's true, what he said. I know I have had "giving" profiles and "Taking" profiles, based on what I"d most recently experienced. Wow. What a way to psychoanalyze ourselves!
I feel like I am going "higher" "lower" "higher" "lower" constantly trying to zero in that magic combination of taking and giving. THis guy was too giving...This guy was too taking...
Wait, how can a guy be too giving?? Hmmm.. I think my oppsites are a bit off...
Anyway, i do find I swing to the extremes from guy to guy ind ating.
Hope this time I stumbled on the right combo! Dating someone now and yes, I do thinking about meeting his needs and is he meeting my needs. honestly, it is something that I "evaluate" in a relatioionship when it's new. And I'm so hopeful that he is the one!
So there's a question for you. Can you read my "got a boyfriend" profile and tell if my taking/giving is in balance? Or am I doing/getting too mucho f one of them? Hmmm...is your tempature taking method helfpul for all profiles, regadless of if we are "looking" or "single not/looking"? | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/8/2012 9:29:13 PM |
I have no idea what my profile shows me as, but in person I'm a giver. I had to learn that it's okay to take sometimes LOL As a giver I had to learn to not be a doormat.
There's many of "us" out there. Once we overcome the "doormat" stage, life is better. Sometimes we have to stop being a "giver" so much and "not giving a s**t" once in awhile. | |
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Posted: 7/8/2012 9:34:18 PM | | only time i click off a woman's profile is when they say they dont want children. its not like i can give the child away or anything. i need someone who wants to be a parent, eventually if it ever got that far. | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/8/2012 9:37:32 PM | No, I disagree. To not give a sh*t is letting them win. That is losing hope, losing spirit.
I give out of love. It is *my choice* to give. I like being a person who cares about others. I would lose an essential part of me if I didn't give a sh*t anymore.
But a giver doesn't mean being a doormat AT ALL. A giver is a friend, who, knows you need encouragement, goes to your house everyday doing cheers. Givers can be very pushy people...giving advice on people who don't want it, etc.
A doormat is someone who lets a spirit vampire suck the spirit out of them....like a vacuum. You aren't freely giving, you are having something forcefully taken from you.
Hmmm... I dunno... | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/8/2012 10:11:22 PM | | I find that the headlines that say "accepting applications" speak volumes. How high can I jump my dear? | |
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pfif
| | Joined: 6/11/2012
Msg: 18 | |
| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/9/2012 4:46:42 AM | I don't know what the purpose of a man's profile is about.
The purpose of a (hetero, anyway) woman's profile is to give him a
reason to become uninhibited, with her -- if the him happens to be
what I am.
I want to see one authentic moment in her life: the one she had
when she wrote that. One sentence can do that. Then I'll write
to her, which is how it all begins. If she can be authentic in her
response, then we're a hit! (assuming I did my job, and was also
authentic -- or something else -- with her when I wrote to her).
A recent rewrite is always better, because it's more aligned to
who they are in the moment. If they aren't much for writing,
it's kind of silly to be on a verbal-based matching database, unless
they're trading on their looks.
You can give a true moment of intimacy in a profile without
exposing too much information exploitable by someone with
an ill-conceived motive.
... and I'm back quiet. | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/9/2012 6:07:51 AM | | I would have to say my profile would probably be judged as a "taker" by the OP's definition. Most of my profile describes me and my life, but I do end by saying what I do want in my next relationship, and what I am not willing to accept in the future. I think Igor hit the nail on the head when he said that profiles are written based on where the person is at that time. Mine definitely reflects where my marriage was lacking. That being said, even though my profile is written as a "taker", I think if you read between the lines you will actually see that I gave way too much and ended up here to start with. And while I would like to think I have grown and changed, chances are that I will still give my all to a relationship... so I want to try to make sure my next partner is worthy of my all, and will not abuse my generosity. | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/9/2012 6:25:01 AM | I can definatly say my profile is neither,
but in regards to relationships, i'm the taker unfortuanly.
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/9/2012 6:34:26 AM | The question really is what is the balance between being a giver or a doormat and how best to communicate that through a profile page....
IMO that balance is achieved when a profile has at its core a focus of reporting your life journey and the redeeming and life building lessons or experiences....
When putting any statement in a profile ask yourself
"Does it represent any form of negativity, dysfunction or toxicity?" If so... you have the power to reframe the event in positive uplifting to others terms....
Let take a fictional event for example:
My dog died.... I so miss and love that dog and I had it stuffed and displayed in my living room for all to see every day... I put out a fresh bowl of water and food every day...
this is living in the past and toxic and not maturity focused... and does not demonstrate an openness/ability/willingness to share a future life with a partner
Or... My dog died.... I so miss and love that dog that I now volunteer at the local animal shelter to care for stray animals who need help.. This new approach now allows me to travel with my partner with the freedom of not having to be attached to constant care an animal needs...
JMO | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/9/2012 7:56:14 AM | Re the dog.
My girlfriend had some line like 'dog died, now have room to spoil a man'...but it was better written with a humorous twist. It showed a fun personality. | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/9/2012 4:12:32 PM | With alot of the male profiles I read I would consider most of them "takers" alot of them dont say much(one or two lines) about themselve in a profile yet they want you to "hit em up" if you wanna know more about them.
Nothing wrong with that if it works for them thats fine. I dont really think my profile shows it but I am a giver. oh well | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/9/2012 4:31:24 PM | | Yeah I don't know whether or not my profile shows me as a giver or a taker and I don't really care. I give when I need to give and take when I need to take. I don't try to analyze it. | |
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| Taker or Giver?
Posted: 7/10/2012 12:35:19 PM | LOL... and you "believe" what you read??
I wouldn't take anything here at face value. Don't read between the lines, over analyze or try to second guess someone. If you're at all interested just take the chance and see for yourself.
Not everyone is good at portraying themselves accurately.
In fact, to date... not a one. | |
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