| | Heartache - How Long Till This Tide Ebbs..Page 1 of 1 | I've been separated since April with a sudden disclosure for divorce. In a nutshell, my wife has lost feelings for our relationship and didn't feel strong enough to salvage with any consulting. I had tremendous heartache that month and even went through episodes of broken heart syndrome... a condition that simulates a heart attack due to intense grief or emotional trauma. My longing for my loss has been strung along for almost 4 months now. At this point things are emotionally better with a solid acceptance of our new futures, yet I'm still saddened that we will not grow old together and this event will have damning consequences on our kids. This has been an emotional upheaval to me (and probably her too) as we are still in the middle stride of the divorce process. I still have pangs of sadness from day to day while my ex is out in party mode and out gambling away her child support. My question for you... how long has it taken to get past your emotional cloud... the daily aches of loss. How long till normality sets in.
I know situations vary for different people. I'm speaking from the perspective of being married for 9 years with kids. | |
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| Heartache - How Long Till This Tide Ebbs..
Posted: 7/11/2012 11:48:47 AM | There is no easy answer, but every step that you take in working towards acceptance is a powerful one.
For me a year later and I was still an emotional wreck, lonely as hell and completely lost. I was in denial though and it sounds like maybe you have accepted it quicker than I did. I think it's different in terms of the time frame for everyone. My children ultimately were what got me through it and I'll say this...it's really not bad on this side of the fence. | |
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| Heartache - How Long Till This Tide Ebbs..
Posted: 7/11/2012 11:57:00 AM | | I've had a hard time reaching out. Our circle of friends overlap and I don't want to create divisions within the people we know... mainly because I work with them or work with people whose spouses are friends with my wife. To be able to talk openly is a luxury I don't really have. And we both agreed to not disclose details of our personal life to our friends. They have simply accepted our situation. But I do have a need for discussion and have used Craigslist as an option. I wish I knew of this site sooner as this forum is the perfect arena for open and varied thought and expression. That being said, I'll try not to get too dark on this matter... that's something I save for myself. (at least for now) | |
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| Heartache - How Long Till This Tide Ebbs..
Posted: 7/11/2012 1:20:19 PM | | The best cure I know for a broken heart is to think of others: in this case, your children. You are at least half responsible for how they experience the next few months of transition and family break-up. If you are focussing solely on your own grief and loss, you will not be able to give the time and strength needed to show them how very much you love them and how you will always be their Dad. You cannot control how your wife behaves, but you can strive to show her respect as their mother and ignore any gossip that feeds into your natural desire to punish her for hurting you, no matter how much you want to believe it. Don't waste your energy mourning what's lost: use it to be the most mature and responsible parent you can be. | |
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| Heartache - How Long Till This Tide Ebbs..
Posted: 7/11/2012 3:38:14 PM | It lasts for as long as you allow it to.
Schedule a week were you can be alone.
Normally I'd say a weekend, but it your case it
may take more than two days.
No friends.
No kids.
No contact.
Just you.
and your pain.
and just feel it.
Let it overwhelm you.
Your gut may feel like bursting.
You may shout in anger and betrayal.
Probably cry. Maybe alot.
do so.
The tide of emotion, anger, and fear will
wash over you like an unstoppable wave.
and it will seem to pull you down.
Let it.
feel it.
don't look away.
don't distract yourself.
and just endure.
and it will wash away on it's own.
It will be replaced with joy.
yes, joy.
Even thoughts of your ex will not bother you.
All pain at it's root...is energy.
We can choose to channel that energy into happiness
or pain.
Tis our choice.
when things don't go our way emotionally
we tend to dwell on it. and that energy swells up
and expands like a tornado of misery.
but if we can face it... in it's entirety...
it does go away.
we find peace.
I know this sounds against the grain.
I didn't believe it either.
But in a similar situation I spent time alone.
And found it to be true.
and am at peace. | |
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| Heartache - How Long Till This Tide Ebbs..
Posted: 7/11/2012 4:24:01 PM | It's a pretty bad feeling indeed and it's going to stick around for a long time, in my case 2 years but you don't really forget.... BUT it get's easier and easier.... If this emotion is making you physically sick then I'd give the straycat technique a go and get all those emotions out..... I cried for hours, feeling sorry for myself....
Best advice I can give you, talking from personal experience is to live in the moment, try(it's not easy) not to think of the past or even the future but get involve in activities that will take your mind off things... Me personally after a good few months of grief I went to work on myself, gym, dance, travel, cook....
Force yourself to get over this and before you know it, there's new people just as good and sometimes even better stepping into your life...
If you'd like to hear more then drop me a line...
Good Luck and be strong | |
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| Heartache - How Long Till This Tide Ebbs..
Posted: 7/11/2012 6:15:18 PM | I lost the woman I waited 50 years for.......yes she WAS the one and I was fortunate to meet her and love her for the time we had togeather. She left me 7 months ago now and it has been very hard on me. I have no children, no family to speak of and very few friends where I live. I have been alone with my emotions whit no one to comfort me.
BUT, THERE IS HELP.......I pray....on my knees daily. I ask our Heavenly Father to hold my heart in his hands so that it dont shatter and fall in pieces. I ask Him to give me strength and wisdom to accept His plan for me.
I havent been the perfect christian in my life but I've always believed and had faith. I have a sin list thats probably longer than John Gotti's rap sheet. BUT.....this prayer has brought me more comfort....more peace in my heart than I ever believed it would.....its almost unbelievable but I can feel it. Pray, read your Bible, and keep an open heart and FEEL what happens!
The love dont go away, it just finds a comfortable corner in your heart to live with you. | |
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| Heartache - How Long Till This Tide Ebbs..
Posted: 7/12/2012 9:24:10 AM | According to the Broken Heart Calculator.....
Long relationships (1 YEAR OR MORE)
A. Estimate how happy you were (day to day) on a scale of 1 to 3
B. Estimate how physically attractive you found your mate on a scale of 1 to 3
C. Add up A and B – and then divide this number by 2– this will give you a number in years
D. Subtract one year from the total
You can argue with the scientific accuracy... but gives you a place to start... and you will probably find it pretty accurate regardless.
However, having an attitude that you WILL pass THROUGH this, allowing yourself to grieve as a normal process but not necessarily wallow in your sorrow nor deny it; have a few good friends who will support you and listen to you go on and on about it without rolling their eyes until you yourself are tired of going on and on about it; maybe a counsellor to help you understand your feelings and constructive ways to deal with them to keep moving forward until you think you have paid enough for someone to listen to you; keeping yourself an interesting person by doing interesting things and meeting new and interesting people; taking care of yourself by eating healthy, some daily exercise, praying won't hurt; and displacing some of your fear, angst, hurt, agony... etc.... by helping other people breath easier (eg: volunteer at a nursing home) ...would all be good strategies to help you get by day by day and come out of it better not bitter...and perhaps a bit faster too.
Just about does it.
Bon chance. | |
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