| | Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?Page 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | This is mostly for the ladies out there. What do you call it when you meet a guy and:
1) he always wants to do activities that involve walking his dog or staying at my place (namely FREE)
2) wants to go 'dutch' if we should ever go out (only until we're in a one-on-one committed relationship)
3) always has an excuse NOT to pay for something - "it was your idea so you pay".... yep... he's THAT cheap
4) keeps changing his photos on PoF - amazingly his profile is well written but I've only seen perhaps 5% of what he claims to be in his profile!
I mean really... is THIS what men call dating nowadays? I have bought food, cooked it and he eats at my place yet when we first were going out he took me to the Guthrie (probably got free tickets from someone) and afterwards wouldn't even pull out his wallet to pay for a $2.29 cup of coffee for me.... He claims to be in 'upper management' for a 'large' corporation yet I don't think he even works. I've been outside of his place but he won't let me see the inside (always has an excuse for not letting me in)
I'm fairly new to PoF so I"m wondering if there is a place to post this guys info to warn other gals to stay clear....
Thoughts ladies??? | |
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largo2
| | Joined: 12/13/2011
Msg: 2 | |
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| Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 7:10:54 PM | Thoughts ladies???
Yes. Date someone who wants to date.
Don't just do whatever they want because you think that's how dating is. Define dating yourself.
And, yes, men still date. Just find the ones who do. | |
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| Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 7:11:19 PM | Welcome. When you get a chance to browse around forums you will find that men complain about the same issue. Some feel used and don’t enjoy being treated like an ATM machine.
I try not to focus one the materialistic issues because when someone is selfish and inconsiderate it will show in more than one way. I look at if he is listening to me and takes me seriously, if he is respectful towards me and my boundaries. Does he make an effort into getting to know me, is he curious about me, do we have a good time when we’re together etc...
Warn other gals about what? He hasn’t done anything wrong. | |
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| Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 7:25:49 PM | What do we need to be warned about? He hasn't done anything harmful to you.
A lot of what you are describing sounds pretty smart to me. He doesn't want to invest a lot of money in expensive outings until he knows the relationship is going somewhere. He has my respect for wanting to go dutch - why should he pay for you? The 'nice gesture' of him doing so would be equally nice if it came from you.
Have you made him aware of your concerns? Sounds like you have let a situation develop that you are now whingeing about. Next time he wants dinner at your place, suggest you buy the fixings together 'so we can split the cost'. See if the smile disappears from his face. | |
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| Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 7:33:29 PM | OP, dating etiquette states that whoever plans, pays for the date. But in all honesty, during the casual period of dating when both people are just getting to know each other, it should be dutch, or both people should take turns paying.
I think the term "gentleman" needs to be redefined a bit for the 21st century. I am all for opening doors, pulling out chairs, covering the first few dates, etc.. However, women have equal rights and they have jobs. So the idea that the guy plans every date, pays for every date, and always drives is BS. Women benefit from dating just as much as men do. So they need to stop acting like they are doing a men favor just for spending time with them. If a woman has proven herself and shown to be girlfriend material, then obviously the dynamic will change a bit. I personally don't mind covering 60-70% of the dates once I am exclusive with a woman. However, in the beginning when both people don't know each other, neither one is entitled to anything other than respect and the pleasure of the other person's company. A woman should have to help out with some of the financial expenses of dating, she should plan a date every once and awhile, and she should help with some of the driving. When you date somebody, you are supposed to be their partner. No one wants to be in anything one sided. The key word is "reciprocation". | |
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| Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 7:41:29 PM | Someone explain this to me.
If a guy does not want to be taken advantage of and he plays low key activities, free dates, and then expects a woman to contribute financially when appropriate, he is labeled a cheapskate.
Yet if a woman complains that she has to pay at all, it is OK because she is a woman.
In my opinion, any woman complaining about having to contribute financially has no right whatsoever to call a man a cheapskate when she herself is trying to avoid spending any money. It is a case of the pot calling the kettle black IMO. | |
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| Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 7:51:11 PM | Personally I am not dating my boyfriend's wallet. I enjoy his company.
I am perfectly happy to stay in and make dinner. Both of us have bought the ingredients for said dinners. I would rather cuddle up with him on the couch after dinner then deal with a crowded restaurant. Or if we are eating in I have paid for dinner if I am picking it up on the way to his house.
When we go out it is to events we both enjoy. Sometimes they are free... other times he pays.. I have no problem paying for myself if it is an expensive event. | |
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| Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 7:52:27 PM | OP, he is either unemployed or cheap. In either case, you should dump him. Not b/c he's unemployed, but b/c he appears to have lied about it. And it sounds like you don't want to be with someone so cheap, if that is really it (vs. unemployed). So just move on.
You do get to decide what is comfortable dating, for YOU. Find someone who seems to match your definition. Many women today believe in reciprocity--making the plans and picking up the tab as often as he does (if you are interested in seeing him again; you shouldn't be going out with him if you are not willing to meet him half way on this). No one should expect the other to plan and pay for expensive dates--each should be doing what is within their own budget. If expensive dates happen at his request, you do not have to reciprocate in terms of expense if you cannot afford it. But you do plan nice outings that are fun even if they are simple and inexpensive.
I hope this helps. | |
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| Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 7:58:03 PM | Rcokabilly,
Your line of "I am not dating my boyfriend's wallet. I enjoy his company." shows just how classy of a woman you really are. I wish more woman followed your way of thinking. You know the meaning of the word reciprocation. On dating forums, when women hear my system of date planning - bookstore meet, low key activity dates (bowling, pool, mini golf, etc), and free activities (picnics, hikes, etc) with no dinner until date 7, I am always labeled a cheapskate. I am actually the furthest thing from cheap there is and I am actually a generous person. I just don't like being taken advantage of, and using common sense for date planning in the beginning is a great way to make sure someone's intentions are good. You can get to know someone just as well doing a low key activity as you can some pricy dinner or event. It should be about good company and not the activity or how much is spent.
Kudos to you!! | |
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| Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 8:07:38 PM |
He claims to be in 'upper management' for a 'large' corporation yet I don't think he even works.
This part would trouble me… and the apparent difference between his profile and his real self. And changing his profile pic probably means he’s still looking. Time to be wise. | |
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| Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 8:10:25 PM | Lina,
Simply move on, he's not the right one for you no matter how hard you want him to be. Don't ever make up excuses for other people's bad behaviors and overlook their flaws. Have you standards and stand by them.
If he's not willing to show affections or do his sharing in a relationship, then ask yourself why do you need him, are you really going to be happy with him.
Spend your time on someone else more worthy! :] | |
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| Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 8:16:54 PM | Op,stop wasting your time with this guy coz that is NOT dating.
He sounds cheap and secretive to me.
You dont have to be constantly wined and dined but it sounds like he's a 'Taker' who is also LAZY.
Find someone who actually wants to get out and about with you doing things and where you can each visit each others' homes. | |
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| Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 8:28:33 PM | op, i certainly hope that is not the "new dating". from your description, he sounds pretty sketchy. and you don't sound happy at all about the situation.
i don't mean to say that having inexpensive dating ideas is a bad thing. certainly if one can't afford nights out (i have certainly been there) and going for a walk is fine BUT i would need my date to be honest about things. i would need for him to say that he is broke right now and "can we do something that doesn't cost much". i think the problem is (for you) that he is NOT being forthright.
i mean, i have been pretty broke and still would buy a friend a cup of coffee. what is up with that? does he know "you can't take it with you"?
if he is waiting to see if you are worth spending any money on, then i would consider him not worth spending time or money on either.
he is way too uptight about money for me.
i do not expect a man to pay my way at all..but when dating someone or even in friendship, we give and share what we have. | |
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| Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 8:36:31 PM | | New meaning no. You really can't fault anything or anyone else for allowing the situation to become what it is either. Shouldn't fear ending things when they're just not good for you & when you do it, show him a copy of your post so knows exactly why he's getting the boot. | |
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| Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 9:02:06 PM | I'm fairly certain I don't at all understand why you would continue to date someone who you feel this way about...??
Is it so you have some drama to come post here on the forums? Because, quite honestly, I'd be putting it in my past rather quickly, and maybe dragging it out as a 'dating horrors' story on one of the 'worst POF date' threads later on, but I certainly wouldn't be worried about the "what's and why's" of his lame-a$$ excuses and stories. | |
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| Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 10:47:07 PM | Thoughts are this guy isnt really into it.
Yes you deserve someone who wants to take you out.
Yes you deserve someone who wants to pay
Yes you deserve someone who knows what you deserve
Yes you deserve someone who invites you into his home
Yes you can find someone who does all of these things
No you shoud not see him again
Yes its obvious this guy is probably a big douche whos trying to play you to the side. | |
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| Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?
Posted: 7/11/2012 11:43:19 PM | This is mostly for the ladies out there. What do you call it when you meet a guy and:
1) he always wants to do activities that involve walking his dog or staying at my place (namely FREE)
2) wants to go 'dutch' if we should ever go out (only until we're in a one-on-one committed relationship)
3) always has an excuse NOT to pay for something - "it was your idea so you pay".... yep... he's THAT cheap
4) keeps changing his photos on PoF - amazingly his profile is well written but I've only seen perhaps 5% of what he claims to be in his profile!
Number 4 is not really relevant to your question as far as I can see.
Number I isn’t a date in the proper sense (not because it is free but because it is not going out anywhere other than walking the dog). However, if we are at the ‘dating’ rather than ‘relationship’ stage then it is sometimes seen as a date, however strange that might seem.
Number 2 can be a date but simply one where you pay Dutch. Whether you should really be paying Dutch depends on how the date came about. If it was an ‘invitation’ then the invitee should pay irrespective of gender. If it was a casual mutually arranged date then paying Dutch seems fair. Although if one person was in that instance happy to pay or if one is in general as they have a lot more money then that would be fine. It would still be a date however it is paid for.
Number 3 is still a date but a date with a swear word that you should dump if you have not already! This could be the consideration for number 1 as well if you are not happy with it. | |
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| Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?
Posted: 7/12/2012 3:46:43 AM | This is mostly for the ladies out there. What do you call it when you meet a guy and:
1) he always wants to do activities that involve walking his dog or staying at my place (namely FREE)
2) wants to go 'dutch' if we should ever go out (only until we're in a one-on-one committed relationship)
3) always has an excuse NOT to pay for something - "it was your idea so you pay".... yep... he's THAT cheap
4) keeps changing his photos on PoF - amazingly his profile is well written but I've only seen perhaps 5% of what he claims to be in his profile!
OP: First and foremost, if he really wants to be with you and impress you to be with him, he would NOT be acting like this. He's just another "boy" who needs to man up.
1. Activities that he wants to do are called "HE" dates. He should be asking you what you like to do and then do it.
2. Going dutch....hmmmm... he should be paying your way in the beginning so he can GET to that committed relationship part and THEN an only then should you "reciprocate" with dinners at your house, etc.
3. NOT paying because it was YOUR idea? Again, you are not his mommy. If he's a man and is really interested in forming something with you, this would not even enter into the equation.
4. Changing his pics on POF. So what? Maybe he's out there trying to impress a whole bunch of women into going out with him, spending time with him and doing it HIS way.
So anyway, is this the type of guy you want? Yes or no. And go from there. Good luck. | |
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| Has the definition of 'dating' changed and no one told me?
Posted: 7/12/2012 4:33:03 AM |
I mean really... is THIS what men call dating nowadays? I have bought food, cooked it and he eats at my place yet when we first were going out he took me to the Guthrie (probably got free tickets from someone) and afterwards wouldn't even pull out his wallet to pay for a $2.29 cup of coffee for me.... He claims to be in 'upper management' for a 'large' corporation yet I don't think he even works. I've been outside of his place but he won't let me see the inside (always has an excuse for not letting me in
If YOU don't consider it dating,ask yourself(not us) why you are still doing what you are doing. Who cares (other than you) what this guy considers a good time,dating,etc????? Not me. Too many times we hear on here about how others are treating some poster and they come on here and complain,whine and then look for an explanation. THAT I will NEVER understand. Sure, if you were 10 years old or sumttin,but damn girl, my daughter had this kinda stuff figured out before Grade 6. | |
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