| | Should effort be made to get back with Ex?Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | I have an ex that I havent spoken to in 8 months. Actually she is an ex-fiance. I should fill in some backstory. I dated this girl for 3 years, we lived together for one year. I really loved everything about her, still do. It seemed like a perfect fit. She almost became a step-mother to my son and took care of him better than his own mom. Eventually, she started to complain that I took her for granted and didn't give her the attention that she needed. At the time I was working full time, full time student, and my son was in sports. It was pretty busy all the time. Eventually she wanted some space and broke off the engagement. It seemed all but over so, I decided to officially end what was left of our relationship. (if it was my decision at all)
Fast forward to now. She called me out of the blue and said she had some documents of mine that she found in her filing cabinet. We agreed to meet and exchange the paperwork. Once there, I made it short, spoke sparingly, and left. Now we have been texting for the past few days about anything and everything. She even invited me to her birthday get together this weekend. I'm really not sure how to take this.
She already bailed on our future once. I made it known that I'm not interested in being friends. I don't want myself or my son to get hurt again. My feelings towards her haven't changed at all, even after the torment i've gone through. Should I put any effort at all into trying to pursue a relationship with this woman?
Any advice would be helpful. | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 1:51:09 PM | You know her better than us, but it sounds like she bails when you get busy and cant spend as much time with her that she feels she needs.
Not very understanding IMO.
If you want to pursue it ,m thats up to you. Will she bail again if things get a bit difficult? Can you handle it if she bails again? | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 2:12:28 PM | | Only you know whether you should've spent more time with her or not, as you sound like a reasonable guy. Aslo, have times changed, got more time to give her? Want to? Your call man. | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 2:14:16 PM | I guess you have to ask yourself if you did in fact take her for granted the first time.
Sure, you were busy... but maybe "too" busy? You can't do everything at once, and maybe you put too much on your plate to expect to keep a relationship going.
If nothing has changed in your life giving you more free time, or you don't see that you ever maybe did neglect her needs, then there is no need in trying again.
If, on the other hand, you do see some errors on your part that you wish to improve, maybe there is hope. | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 2:21:00 PM | | When I'm in a new realtionship I put a lot into it as I assume most men do. When a chick goes ape shit, bails whatever. Even if I still had feelings for her this next part does not change. She has to put forth extraordinary effort to garner my attention and even then if I were to enter into anything with her again I would be "Eyes wide open" and at the first hint of any crap...she would be gone. So far none have made it back in. The risk is too great period. | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 2:23:20 PM |
She already bailed on our future once. I made it known that I'm not interested in being friends. I don't want myself or my son to get hurt again.
There's your answer. Stick to your guns. | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 2:24:25 PM | Here is my take on it ... Exes are Exes for a reason, however, you said your feelings for her haven't changed.
From your backstory -- she told you exactly what she needed and wanted and you couldn't deliver. Obviously, she didn't want that to become her future. Who wants to be with someone who won't make time for them? Why even be together if you are never together?
The question you need to ask yourself is: What do you want?
If you are here asking this question some part of you might be asking if it is OK to try again. It is ok to try again. You have stated you still love her. Nothing wrong with trying again.
Or you are looking for validation to not try it again. It is also OK to not try again. She obviously hurt you when she broke off the engagement.
Take some time -- find out what you want. If you can't decide -- flip a coin. Maybe mid-air your will be hoping for one or the other. | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 2:24:58 PM | I know it's easy for me to sit here and say this but; Don't DO ANYTHING....Text her back and say "thank you for returning my things" and that's IT. She made her choice a long time ago. Has she changed? Have you?
You're right, you don't know if it will stick this time or EVEN if that's where it's going...
Don't get dragged back into it now. You've had 8 months to make progress, don't go back after you've gone forward.
Really? For your sake and your son's, don't do it...It might be different if he wasn't in the picture, but he is...
I doubt any of the things we say (ppl you don't know) will make a difference but you asked and this is what I think. I have been there...Just tread carefully! | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 2:29:24 PM | Recycling may be great for the environment but in my experience doesn't work with relationships. The old incompatibilities will still be there.
If it were just you, I would say perhaps give it a whirl, but since there is a child involved, why would you even consider the possibility of maybe hurting the child again? | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 2:32:51 PM | Let me tell you why I don't think is going to work. The first time around she didn't feel that you spent enough time with her, but you were in school, with a kid and so on. So you now feel guilty and think that if you pay attention to her now, things are going to be different. No they will not. When what has to change is you, nothing is going to happen but a new excuse is going to pop up. If in the other hand she has some things to also admit that she did wrong and rather than her trying to change you, she is willing to change as well and understand that your life has also a lot of new demands then it may have a chance.
For instance, you have an associate degree, what happens when you go for your bachelors? Or that is going to be an issue that you better not bring up to the table or think about because then again she is going to feel neglected. | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 2:40:02 PM | My guess is during the first lull in your relationship, she met someone else and was "with" him.
When that situation didn't pan out, she returned to you, her next best "option"
If a girl leaves you, she is either saying one of two things. Either someone else is better than you or nothing is better than you. I don't see how any of those two choices bode well for any type of future between you and her. But odds are it was someone else. There's that cliche, that "There is always someone else" and personally I find it to be true most of the time.
Obviously though, nothing isn't better than you, because there she is, trying to weasel back into your life.
My advice to you is this, she probably thinks you are a little north of nothing, but only if you are her best option. When you cease to be that, she will leave you for what she thinks will be. Why would you want to put up with that? | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 2:47:59 PM | Only the two of you know whether you can make it work or not. Assuming the both of you still love each other, and both of you are serious about considering revisiting the relationship, then there are some questions that need to be answered.
Have both of you LEARNED anything from the last time around?
When a woman says she felt taken for granted, it could mean any number of things.
Have you ASKED her why she felt taken for granted? Can you provide what is necessary for her NOT to feel that way or find a mutually agreeable solution?
Was this the Main reason the relationship broke down, or were there other issues and shortcomings on her side as well? Is she aware of those shortcomings and are you able to find a satisfactory path to remedy the various issues?
Only the two of you can answer those questions. That said, if the Love is there, and both of you are willing and able to address the issues that led to your seperation, then it is possible.
We all make errors in our relationships when we are young. Many of us don't recognize them, and repeat those same mistakes over and over, leading to the same outcomes. Some of us take those experiences as opportunities to learn and improve how we approach and deal with our relationships.
I can honestly say that I'm not the same partner now that I was 15 years ago... I would hope that I have become a Better partner.
The question of course is whether the same applies to the two of you. | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 2:59:33 PM | I would pursue this relationship. Sometimes people need to see the mistakes they have made and learn from them.
However, I would not involve my son again until I felt certain that she is serious. Good luck. | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 3:16:55 PM | I'm wondering something.....
And I'll be taking a different track than the other posters.
When you were together and she was telling you she felt you had taken her for granted, did you address that at the time? Then you state that she wanted space, which I assume means moved out of the place you both were living, stopped the wedding plans and then you ended the relationship.
So, I going to assume some because we can't do a quick question and answer thing here, but was she watching your kid while you were really busy? Was it everyday or is the child's mom in the picture? How old's the kid?
You mentioned she was good with him....
I know you stated that you were very hurt, but wasn't the time to do somethng about her feeling taken for granted back when she moved out, to have avoided all this? I can only assume that was why she did it. I can only also assume that you and she had tons of conversations at that time. right? about your relationship? You were hurt and I can guarantee that she was as well. What would you do differently now, that you didn't do then?
It really stinks to be saying something and not be heard. And it's not like you would have had to drop everything and sit a pay all your attention to her. She wanted some, right? Are you ready to hear what she would have to say yet? Did you truely take her for granted? If so, have you apologized?
And is this what she's really after, again? or maybe she really is just being friends now? | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 3:48:28 PM | How old were the two of you?
If you are interested, go to the birthday thing, see how you feel.
Otherwise you should avoid these kinds of contacts, there's no reason to bring up things that are finished. | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 4:08:38 PM |
She already bailed on our future once. I made it known that I'm not interested in being friends. I don't want myself or my son to get hurt again. There's your answer. Stick to your guns.
I disagree.
It sounds like you are taking ownership of why the relationship ended.
If that is the case, then discuss this with her.
Are you willing to devote more time to her, and NOT take her for granted?
If so ... do you know HOW to show her you love and appreciate her?
Maybe counseling would be a good idea if you agree to make a go of it.
All relationships require effort.
They don't just happen.
If you are both willing, then make the effort. | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 4:22:33 PM | hi
all she did was leave when it got to much --which is usally what unmarried have no tie's adult's do in relationship's.
remember how u felt when she told u she was leaving the first time?IMo just keep her around for casual sex | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 5:02:11 PM | sounds like a reverse roll in my 7 year engagment that broke up 3 years ago, she still wants back togther but I know she'll just return to what she was before so no point in it. So question is, if you wern't giving time to her then would you now or would it just repeat. She and I got along great but it was as long as I was making everyting happen she went along for the ride...Thanks but I can find that anywhere.
There is a rule of thumb, "they're ex's for a reason" and people really don't change who they are all that much | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 6:19:23 PM | | If you want to get back with her, make sure you give her the attention she wanted. "busy all the time" isn't going to cut it this time. You've got your second chance, don't waste it. | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 6:36:01 PM | | I was thinking if it was me in this 3 yr relationship, i would have left long ago. I don't think you were really ready for a relationship when you found little time for her. Can the two of you still be friends? Its up to both of you, beyond that i don't think so....You just can't go back, never the same. | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 6:41:21 PM | Its a birthday party, not a wedding invitation. Take it at face value and follow your heart. I think you will regret it if you don't take it as far as it can go. You may find that after spending time with her, you are no longer interested in pursuing something with her. Then again, she may intrigue with how she has grown as a person since the break up. The chemistry may speak for itself.
Love is a risk. If you don't follow your heart and take the risk you may miss out on something really amazing. Take it as it comes and have the courage to be vulnerable. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Take the risk. Just do it.
Good luck. | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 7:13:56 PM |
If a girl leaves you, she is either saying one of two things. Either someone else is better than you or nothing is better than you. I don't see how any of those two choices bode well for any type of future between you and her. But odds are it was someone else.
This is the biggest pile of BS I have ever heard! There are MANY reasons a relationship ends and a million other reasons why a girl might leave a guy apart from that she met someone else.
OP, from what you've said, it seems like this girl was as committed to you as you were to her. While it must've hurt you when she ended the engagement, you probably hurt her right back by ending the relationship. That being said, the ONLY reason to try again in a relationship is if the original issue/issues are no longer a problem. This can only be true in two ways, 1. The person that was the reason for the issue has changed and the behavior that caused the problem is not something they do anymore or 2. The person who had the issue had realized that the issue is something they can live with in order to stay in the relationship and still be happy or 3. Both of these things have occurred.
If this is not the case, you should not try to pursue a relationship with her and if you don't want to be friends then don't go to her birthday party. However, if you do feel like there has been a change and that the original issues may be resolved, then start with the birthday party and have a conversation with her about what SHE thinks, after all, there are two people involved here. | |
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| Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/12/2012 7:23:35 PM | | I would have said to maybe try it again if you felt like the issues that led to breaking up were fixed if it was just a regular relationship. But the fact that you were engaged says to me that when you accept that ring, then you are saying yes to being with that person forever. If someone broke up with me after supposedly deciding to commit to me at that level, I don't think I would ever fully trust him to not bail on me again in the future. So, for engagements I would say no, I would not try again. | |
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