| | Am I misreading his behavior?Page 1 of 1 | Sorry this is ridiculously long.
Scenario:
I emailed with a POF guy two months ago and we had mutual interest in meeting. Our email exchanges didn't really reveal him being curious to get to know more about me and most of the time, I was leading the conversation. I received those lame "What are you up to today?" types of emails, if you know what I mean. He gave me his number and based on his seeming lack of interest, I never called. He then left POF to date someone and returned when it didn't work out. I'd already deleted his number from my phone. Last weekend, I receive a text, "whatever happened to that phone call?"
I immediately called him, laughingly apologized for dropping the ball, and asked him out for this weekend. This was our first phone conversation and it was far more interesting than any emails we exchanged.
We exchanged a few texts over the course of 1-2 days, again revisiting his habit of having no "getting to know you" types of conversation. He asked me why I was making him wait so long to meet (the wait would've been 7 days because that was when I could get a babysitter).
So, I suggested we do a quick meet and have lunch mid-week. Keep in mind that I hate quick meets because if I find the guy marginally attractive, I need more than 20 minutes to determine if there is chemistry and if his personality will make him much more attractive to me, thereby warranting a second date.
We met for lunch on Thursday. Decent conversation, but me leading it and keeping it interesting. He'd engage, but never really grabbed my interest conversationally. He ends the lunch by asking me (for the third time) if we're still on for the weekend. I say "yes" because this quick meet hasn't really shown me if he's just shy, boring, horrible at talking about himself, or not interested in getting to know others.
I get a text after lunch telling me he had a great time, he wished we would've kissed, and is looking forward to Saturday's date. I don't hear from him the rest of Thursday, nor have I heard from him thus far today.
Totally seems like he's just not that into me based on his lack of communication and him not continuing the "getting to know you" process via phone calls, emails, or texts.
I'm not worried about whether or not I hear from him again, because he didn't ignite my interest...but I am incredibly curious to get a guy's perspective on this.
Why keep my number so long?
Why text me and hassle me about not calling him?
Why say you can't wait 7 days to meet me?
Why make it a point to ask me 2 or 3 times at lunch if we were still on for Saturday's date?
Why do all of that when everything else about his behavior suggests he's just not that interested? | |
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 11:46:42 AM | 1. He shows little interest.
2. He wants to date you AFTER the other woman did not work out.
3. The conversation is not good.
It makes me wonder why you are/were interested in him.
Why keep my number so long?
Why text me and hassle me about not calling him?
Why say you can't wait 7 days to meet me?
Why make it a point to ask me 2 or 3 times at lunch if we were still on for Saturday's date?
Why do all of that when everything else about his behavior suggests he's just not that interested?
Sex, sex, sex, sex, and sex.
He's hoping for it.
>OP -what leads a guy to actively pursue dates themselves but not actually pursue the on a personal level.
SEX (LOL!) | |
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 11:52:10 AM |
I'll just say..
Why worry. He's an a$$.
He shows little interest.
He wants to date you AFTER the other woman did not work out.
It makes me wonder why you are interested in him.
No, he wanted to meet me BEFORE he dated the other woman, I just didn't call him. Besides, I'm sure many of us on POF have tried dating someone from here and when it doesn't work out, we return and it's "back to the drawing board".
I'm not interested in him....did you read my post? I'm trying to understand behavioral patterns and see if guys could explain to me what leads a guy to actively pursue dates themselves but not actually pursue the woman on a personal level. | |
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 11:54:11 AM | Why keep my number so long? Potential sex.
Why text me and hassle me about not calling him? Because it worked-- you jumped right on it and not only called him but apologized too. Well played.
Why say you can't wait 7 days to meet me? Because you couldn't get a babysitter? Or because it worked-- you jumped right on it and scheduled a meeting, even though you say you hate quick meets. Well played again.
Why make it a point to ask me 2 or 3 times at lunch if we were still on for Saturday's date? Maybe he wasn't listening to you the first 2 times.
Why do all of that when everything else about his behavior suggests he's just not that interested? Potential sex. | |
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 11:55:26 AM | POF dating is like being at the bus station:
Miss one bus, you can just hop on another.
Why keep wasting your time? | |
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 11:59:58 AM |
Why keep wasting your time?
Considering I've got a date with a different man on Saturday, I'm not wasting my time.
He just confused me in the funniest ways.
Most guys that are seriously seeking just sex are much better at faking interest in a woman to hook her.
I am not hooked. | |
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:03:31 PM | I felt I owed him an apology because I told him two months ago that he could expect a call from me and I never called. That was past rudeness on my part. As for why I scheduled the quick meet, I figured if he was as boring in person as he was in email, then the shorter the time frame, the better. Turns out I was right. So instead of losing hours to a date, I lost maybe 35 minutes.
And for a guy that everyone seems to think was out for just sex, why not attempt to initiate a first kiss?
Are you suggesting that it's not possible for a man (not this man specifically) to be shy, awkward, not good at conversation, and be sincerely interested in a relationship?
Are you so jaded that men = only out for sex?
While I realize men pursue sex, I'd hate to trivialize them to the point where any and all of their actions must be about sex and acquiring sex. | |
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:18:06 PM | you seem to be guilty of 'all guys behave the same way' thinking.
that it, you see certain behavior you interpret as interest, so you expect him to show certain other behaviors you interpret as interest. when he doesn't, you're confused, because you're expecting him to show interest YOUR way, not HIS way. and how else can he do that or anything besides his way? how can anyone?
you're not allowing for the range and complexity of human motivation and behavior. perhaps you buy into the myth that 'woman are complicated, men are simple'?
all that matters is the sum of how you experienced him, which is not anyone you want to date. what else matters?
<div class='quote'>While I realize men pursue sex, I'd hate to trivialize them to the point where any and all of their actions must be about sex and acquiring sex.
thank you. bad enough that so many women opt for that brand of intellectually lazy cynicism, but when guys do it too, it's just contemptible, and ultimately sad.
<div class='quote'>Most guys that are seriously seeking just sex are much better at faking interest in a woman to hook her.
a tellling quote. maybe this guy's behavior reflected the authentically expressed interest of a balanced, secure person, which is never going to be that high from a few measly emails and a phone call or two. and look where it got him.
I guess I have always assumed that when *anyone* is interested in someone, you want to know more about them. You engage in conversations. You look forward to learning more about them. You look forward to talking to them.
right. as i said, your expectation were not met. he did engage you in conversation and he did look forward to meeting you; if he hadn't he would have made an excuse or blown off the meet. just not in the way you expected. and perhaps he collects information more as a woman does - sitting back, watching, waiting to see what the other puts out there.
again, you're not accounting for range and variation. for the record, those are legit incompatibilities, in my book.
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:27:25 PM |
you seem to be guilty of 'all guys behave the same way' thinking.
Really, that's how I come across? I honestly don't think all men behave the same way nor do I think all women behave the same way. I guess I have always assumed that when *anyone* is interested in someone, you want to know more about them. You engage in conversations. You look forward to learning more about them. You look forward to talking to them.
Nope, I don't think men are simple. | |
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:28:36 PM | OP - I felt I owed him an apology because I told him two months ago that he could expect a call from me and I never called.
I agree with that.
OP - Are you suggesting that it's not possible for a man (not this man specifically) to be shy, awkward, not good at conversation, and be sincerely interested in a relationship?
No, not at all. The fact that he seems to have shown little interest in you when exchanging email and texts is what made me consider sex to be his main intent.
OP - While I realize men pursue sex, I'd hate to trivialize them to the point where any and all of their actions must be about sex and acquiring sex.
That's refreshing.
OP -I guess I have always assumed that when *anyone* is interested in someone, you want to know more about them. You engage in conversations. You look forward to learning more about them. You look forward to talking to them.
I strongly agree.
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:29:19 PM | Of course "all" men want sex. DUH. And really, don't "all" women want it too?
It's just a matter of deciding the details-- with who, when, for what reasons, and with what expectations.
Anyway, for someone who isn't interested, you sure appear to be interested. | |
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:34:15 PM | Of course "all" men want sex. DUH. And really, don't "all" women want it too?
It's just a matter of deciding the details-- with who, when, for what reasons, and with what expectations.
Anyway, for someone who isn't interested, you sure appear to be interested.
You better believe I want sex, but is it the only thing that motivates me? Of course not. Thus, I would never suggest that the only thing that motivates a man is sex. Talk about simplifying people too much.
I'm interested in the topic.
I'm interested in getting honest, wide-ranging opinions.
I'm interested in creating a flowing conversation where men could perhaps enlighten me about some of their actions/motivations.
Am I interested in the guy? Nope.
Edited to add:
Igor: I was trying to keep it as short as possible. Sorry for the vagueness.
1. He gave me his number two months ago and we texted then, thus he had my number.
2. I used the word "hassle" because he was playfully hassling me in the text, not because it was a nuisance. And once I called him to apologize, he playfully gave me a hard time.
3. To clarify, he said he was too excited to wait seven days to meet me.
4. We talked about our kids, failed POF dates, movies, his past in the navy, my interest in literature, mutual interests, etc. The topics ranged.
5. But wait....isn't he just out for sex? That's what everyone else says.
He knew about the babysitter challenge. He has three kids, so I'm guessing he understood free time being tricky.
LGG62:
I’m not freaking out or upset about any of it. I was intrigued by his actions and thought someone could lend insight.
This was more of a “hey guys, what are your thoughts” post. It was not a “help me I’m freaking out why doesn’t he love me” post. I’m more stable than that, trust me.
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:34:29 PM | WARNING OP: Four of the seven posts so far, are yours. With a 21 post limit, at that rate, you will only get seven replies altogether. By the time I posted, your record is 6 out of 14. You are on schedule to use up a full third of the possible replies.
1. Why keep my number so long? Who kept a number? You said that HE gave you HIS number, not vice versa. I can't answer why he did something you didn't say he even did.
2. Why text me and hassle me about not calling him? According to your story, he sent ONE SINGLE message, in an attempt to reignite interest. I would not call that "text me AND hassle me," I would call that " a single jocular attempt to reconnect," which you have here blown out of proportion.
3. Why say you can't wait 7 days to meet me? Again, in your story, you and he spent two days texting back and forth, after a single phone call which you were approving of. You don't say that he at any time, said that he couldn't wait 7 days. So again, explaining why someone did something you didn't describe in your story, is very difficult. By stretching to include the most common things people have said here in the past about such things, I would suggest that IF he was urging you to move sooner to meet, it would be for the usual reason: to get things going for real, instead of doing a bunch more meaningless chatting. But again, your story doesn't support your complaint.
4. Why make it a point to ask me 2 or 3 times at lunch if we were still on for Saturday's date? At least with this one, you actually mentioned in your story that he asked three times. But since I have no idea what you two talked about, or how you talked about it (save that you felt you did most of the work to make conversation flow), I have no idea why he might have done that. Blind guess: he was having as much trouble following your assumptions and unstated information as I am here, and wanted to be sure he heard you right the first two times, and hadn't changed your mind. It could be too, that he has had a history of women bailing, and was trying to make as sure as he could that you had real interest, especially since you failed to call him after he gave his number before.
5. Why do all of that when everything else about his behavior suggests he's just not that interested? Do all what? Ask you to call him? So that he could talk to you. Schedule an actual date after your lunch meet? So you could have a real date together. Ask you three times if you were going to follow through this time? Because you said you would call the first time, but didn't.
What you wrote here, tells me that all of your claims about his lacking real interest, are due to YOUR interpretation of how he texts, and/or what he talks about. That he made the effort to contact you, and did so after you bailed on him the first time, suggests some level of interest on his part. If anything, it's you who have shown him little interest, save for your rapid response to his 'complaint' nudge for you to call him, and your spoken apology at that time.
You say you had baby-sitter arrangement challenges, but you didn't say if you communicated that to him, or if he seemed to understand that. Since he doesn't know you yet, I could easily imagine him seriously considering that your baby-sitter concern was a cover story, designed to keep him at bay, and discourage him into going away. If you wanted to convey your interest in getting to know him while telling him about your sitter problems, a better way to do that, might have been to take the responsibility yourself to arrange the date. I don't know what you actually did, but if it was that you simply said over and over "I don't have a sitter lined up yet," that would have certainly left someone like me wondering what was really going on.
6. Am I misreading his behavior? the title question, and the most sweeping. The answer is, according to what I read here, I can say for sure that you are certainly READING his behavior, and you are drawing big conclusions from it, that are not supported by the evidence you gave here. Since I don't have the slightest clue what he is actually up to, and neither do you at this point, the only way to answer this question is, to go on some dates and find out. | |
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:35:26 PM |
Why keep my number so long?
Why text me and hassle me about not calling him?
Why do all of that when everything else about his behavior suggests he's just not that interested?
My guess is that men like to have a little collection of phone numbers and keep a woman vaiguely interested in case nothing better comes up... I don't think men actually ever delete a phone number of a single girl/woman unless they get into a serious relationship... So is he interested?? Probably. Is he interested enough to try a bit harder? Nope. He'll do the minimum if he can get away with it. I believe you can feel the vibe straight away even if the person is shy, boring, not talkative and all the rest of it. | |
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:44:28 PM | IMO, you're going waaayyy overboard on this. You have lunch on Thursday, and he's obviously looking forward to seeing you again. But you're upset because you haven't heard from him in the 24 hours since? One quick lunch does not a relationship make. You don't need to freak out and wonder if he's still interested just because he's not texting you every hour.
As for "he wished we would've kissed," let it go. If he wanted to kiss you, he should have. If you wanted to kiss him, you should have. Maybe it was too soon for either of you, but the fact remains is that if either of you wanted a kiss, you should have initiated it.
"Why keep my number so long?" Maybe he forgot to delete it (I've actually done this). Maybe he was still hoping you would call, since you were the one that said you would. Don't read too much into it.
"Why text me and hassle me about not calling him?" What hassle? According to your post he texted you once about it as an icebreaker after two months. It was just a way to open the dialog again after two months.
"Why say you can't wait 7 days to meet me?" Because guys want to meet as quickly as possible to see if there's any potential for a real date. They don't want pen pals. You had a legit reason (babysitter), but you still managed to find time to meet him briefly. If he wasn't interested after that lunch, Saturday would have been cancelled.
"Why make it a point to ask me 2 or 3 times at lunch if we were still on for Saturday's date?" Insecurity, maybe? Maybe he was getting the impression that you weren't interested and thought you might be the one to cancel. Again, let it go.
"Why do all of that when everything else about his behavior suggests he's just not that interested?" Where is there anything in his behavior that he's not interested? Because he's not going about it the way you would? Maybe he's getting to know the person you are through your behavior and what you talk about, not by asking you who your third-grade teacher was. Basically, just relax and figure out if you like him. Let him figure out for himself if he likes you. If he does, he'll keep in contact. In all fairness, it sounds like you are the one who is not interested, in which case let him go and both of you find someone else who is. | |
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:45:47 PM |
My guess is that men like to have a little collection of phone numbers and keep a woman vaiguely interested in case nothing better comes up... I don't think men actually ever delete a phone number of a single girl/woman unless they get into a serious relationship...
And that would actually be wrong. If a man isn't interested, one of the first things they do is dispose of the phone number. Nobody actually wants to have their phones filled with tons of numbers they won't use.
As for the OP, he set a date so that's a clear indication of interest. How he behaved on that date could have been nervousness, he could be an introvert and slow to open up, or it's possible he was sending what he thought were clear signals that were completely missed.
Missed signals go both ways. I've known Men and Women that couldn't read sincere interest if you hit them over the head and tattooed it on their foreheads.
As for the pacing, that's going to be different for everyone. He could be very busy, he might be trying intentionally not to appear clingy or needy, he might be uninterested.
There's a whole range of possibilities. The only way to actually know is to Communicate.
Sometimes I find it amazing how many assumptions people make about behavior based upon incomplete or a complete lack of information... | |
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:58:18 PM | I don't consider myself the best conversationalist, but I can generally hold my own. This dating ritual of doing the "get to know you" interrogative process is so foreign though. I have to admit I just don't know what to ask or talk about at times, but if given a topic, I'm an active participant. Maybe he just didn't want to feel like he was "interrogating" you? A more introverted personality might allow others to lead the conversation. And.... guys can get a little tripped up and tongue tied around an attractive woman. It happens. Sounds like he was interested, but you were not. The dynamic of the "quick meet" is nerve-wracking to me. I'm sure I've come off as an idiot more than once. I've always taken things slowly, so I really feel like a "fish out of water" with online dating and the "meeting" process. It just doesn't come naturally to me.
Women are just chattier than men too. Or at least that used to be the case before everyone blathered on their cell phone all day. "The strong, silent type" wouldn't do well internet dating, it would seem. | |
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 1:35:58 PM | I don't consider myself the best conversationalist, but I can generally hold my own. This dating ritual of doing the "get to know you" interrogative process is so foreign though. I have to admit I just don't know what to ask or talk about at times, but if given a topic, I'm an active participant. Maybe he just didn't want to feel like he was "interrogating" you? A more introverted personality might allow others to lead the conversation. And.... guys can get a little tripped up and tongue tied around an attractive woman. It happens. Sounds like he was interested, but you were not. The dynamic of the "quick meet" is nerve-wracking to me. I'm sure I've come off as an idiot more than once. I've always taken things slowly, so I really feel like a "fish out of water" with online dating and the "meeting" process. It just doesn't come naturally to me.
Women are just chattier than men too. Or at least that used to be the case before everyone blathered on their cell phone all day. "The strong, silent type" wouldn't do well internet dating, it would seem.
Finally, someone gets what I was trying to say! Thank you :)
Basically, I couldn't decipher if he was not a great conversationalist (via text, email, and on the lunch date) or if he just wasn't interested enough to pursue us getting to know one another better. I don't enjoy the interrogative style that can happen with some people and I do my best to never get into Q & A conversations. Those types of conversations are awkward and forced and no one enjoys them. But to clearly state that you want another date and then not show interest in communicating during the interim....just seemed odd to me. But as I said, his communication style two months ago was similar, which is why I didn't call him at that time. | |
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 2:40:28 PM | | I wonder sometimes too if people hold back and don't try to learn too much about the other person before meeting so they have "more to talk about?" I guess that might suggest someone not having a lot to talk about though? | |
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 2:45:00 PM | Totally agree w/ Chris & LGG.
I think he is totally interested, but your expectations of his show of interest are outside of your norm.
You don't know him well enough to judge his degree of interest.
The way he interacts with you, e.g. not leading the conversations and asking probing questions, may be his normal behavior.
More telling is that he asked three times if you were still on for the date.
I would assume that he was very excited to have found you available after his other relationship didn't work out.
My SO is very similar. We have conversations about present, future, and hypothetical topics.
But he asked and asks very few probing questions about my past, and he never forced a conversation just to fill the quiet space between topics. | |
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| Am I misreading his behavior?
Posted: 7/13/2012 3:49:50 PM | But to clearly state that you want another date and then not show interest in communicating during the interim....just seemed odd to me.
It doesn’t seem odd to me. For some guys, texts and phonecalls are ways to get to know you well enough to ask for a date/meet, not for furthering the acquaintance. After that, he’ll talk to you when he sees you.
And why keep your number so long? Well, it's not like they fade away after a while. They don't weigh anything. Once they're there, they stay until deleted. | |
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