| | Why make all the sacrifices?Page 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | You meet a girl, go out a few times, there is mutual interest and you both decide to continue and see if you can build a relationship. She says she wants to wait a few months before getting intimate. Fair enough, its not the end of the world. Now obviously she isn't the only girl your talking to off of this site and you decide to be honest and let her know that while waiting to take the next step into a relationship you will be seeing other girls. She isn't impressed. Now I'm not saying that its necessary to rush into a relationship after meeting just a month prior but I'm also not interested in not having sex for the next 3, 4 or however many months she decides. Is it unreasonable for her to expect you to make all the sacrifices? Why is this a big deal if she isn't an intimate partner? Is she just trying to be controlling by letting you know when you can and can't have sex?
I also realize that I've jumped back and forth from first to second person in the description, so please don't point that out, lol. | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:06:52 PM | Of course she's not impressed. She's not into you enough to want to have sex, but also doesn't want to lose the option of changing her mind, which could happen if you meet someone else in the meantime who's a better match.
If you were both really into each other, then perhaps the wait and exclusivity would be justified, but it doesn't sound that way. | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:07:01 PM | | the problem is..ur too honest..why state the obvious? Bang all the other chicks u want but keep ur mouth shut!! lol.. | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:15:52 PM | | Well Flurr, I agree about the remark about being "too honest". There are plenty of men and women that are sleeping with someone, while dating around to find whatever they are looking for. They don't announce it though. So if that is what you choose to do in the future, you should probably keep it to yourself. You aren't going to impress any women by telling them you are going to bang other women until she is ready to give it up. | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:23:40 PM | | So are you saying to her, "If you don't fk me, I'll date other women and fk them until you decide you'll fk me. That's how I build relationships." | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:27:22 PM | Op, you assume her waiting is not a sacrifice for her and only for you...women are sexual as well and her waiting is also a sacrifice, the same as it is for you. However, you obviously dont think she is worthy of making the investment, so just date everyone you want and let her move on to a guy who is as interested in her as she would prefer.
It is just not sounding like a good match. | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:37:43 PM | hi
all u done is force her hand,shown her no respect.
happens all the time and will do so till the end of day's. | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:40:56 PM | Well blah, obviously she would be pissed. You should never talk about being with another person while trying to build a relationship; that would just make you look like a player, and don't care for your date.
You don't impress a girl by telling them how many other girls talk to you, that's just straight up arrogant, and make her feel insecure ; what impresses girls are your loyalty, patience and the size of your wallet.
Girl wants to be your ONLY choice at all time, and she would always want you to chase her; she doesn't want a partner that doesn't show her affections or seem very prone to cheating.
I suggest try figuring out your priority, what comes first, sex or relationship? Pick one out and stick to it | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:43:33 PM | | Ohh, big sacrafice, no sex.You know how to masturbate don't you? You obviously are not interested in this girl in a serious way. Go have your sex fun and leave her alone. Sex is so important to guys and yet they want to do it with everything that moves. Respect her decision and get to know her properly or go find some lays since that seems to be what you are interested in. | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:44:34 PM | Well, i probably won't have the "popular" opinion around here, but I think it makes sense not to jump into an exclusive committed relationship with someone you've just met, sometimes. I'm not saying you should go have sex w/every chick you meet, but not being exclusive is your choice, your right, and if she doesn't like it, then she doesn't have to date you.
Personally I wouldn't wait "months" to have sex with a boyfriend unless I didn't really think we were going to ever get serious. Hmmm...not sure that came out right. I mean, if I thought he was "serious material" and we were going to build something special, then I don't think I'd feel the need to wait months. A month, maybe. MOnths? No.
On the other hand, if I felt mostly friendship and figured, well I'll date him but doubt this will ever go anywhere, then I very well might not want to engage in a sexual relationship (thus increasing my "number").
But that's me.
And I think if I were to meet a guy and he told me that he wanted to wait "months", I'd probably figure he's not particularly interested in me, he doesn't see me as a serious prospect, so yeah, I'd tell him that fine, but then I didn't want to date him exclusively or commit to him (like you told her). Again, doesn't mean I'd sleep with other guys. Just means that I don't have some imaginary commitment to someone who isnt' really into me. Means I have my freedom to date other guys.
Now of course, if I developed feelings for him and him me, then that would change. I would definitely NOT be with other guys and I would choose to be exclusive, even if we weren't having sex. But hey if you've been ona couple a dates, pretty sure you aren't in love yet. So... can't imagine that's the case.
THe thing is, relationships are built on negotiations. SHe has her perspective and you have yours. SHe has her idea of what dating looks like and you have yours. Doesn't matter how I feel or anyone else.
YOu have to talk to her about it and "negotiate", "compromise". (Put in quotes b/c this isn't a business transaction, after all). She's not impressed? Ok, then talk further, dig deeper, find out what the real issue is. Find out what's in her head. Tell her what's in yours. Share each of your reservations. See if you can find a compromise.
I remember last year I met a guy and we started dating and he said something about being exclusive. Like really fast. I told him that I really wasn't looking to jump into a committed exclusive relationship after 2 dates. He laughed and said he wasn't either, he just felt for safety reasons, he did not want to get into a sexual relationship unless we were only with each other. See? I was ready to run at first thinking the guy was moving too fast when I barely knew him, wanting to get serious in week 1. When really he had no serious intentions, he just felt it was important to spell out being sexually exclusive if we were to engage in a sexual relationship.
If you like her, and want to date her, talk to her further and seek a compromise...or at least seek to understand each other's perspective! | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:47:45 PM | | MSG 2: You're most likely right about her wanting to keep her options open. But regardless of how much I'm into somebody I highly doubt I would be willing to do that, I just don't find it logical. Maybe others do and I'm not saying they are wrong. It just doesn't work for me. Thank you for the reply. | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:49:08 PM | | MSG 3&4: Yes. I figured this would prevent a problem from happen in future if she found out later. But efff that noise, never doing that again, lol. | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:53:41 PM | I'm trying to just get what you are sacrificing here.
Does she let you get half way then say stop?
Is she over 18?
Maybe she has experienced the" once you let a 20 something have sex with you he won't ever let you breathe your own air again" thing.
GAAAAAAAAWD how annoying and stifling that can be.
Maybe shes just being smart.
Whatever the reason is, SHE has the control whether its to control you or control herself..
If its that important to you to have sex right now, then move on. | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:54:47 PM | All I got from your op was : I just want sex, so I'm going to have sex with other women until she gives it up, and she has a problem with it.
Good luck with that! | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 12:58:42 PM | You were right to let her know.
To me sex is only for a committed relationship, and I don't commit long term to complete strangers... I don't know that it would take "months" to reach that point, but everyone has their standards. However, to me, if you are sleeping with someone else, you're "taken" and I wouldn't waste my time on getting to know you... I don't care if I'm dating a guy and he's dating other women- but if he's screwing someone, I'm not interested in her sloppy seconds. | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 1:06:15 PM | "Is it unreasonable for her to expect you to make all the sacrifices?"
In general yes, but we don't know all the details. I would not necessarily view waiting a while to have sex as making all of the sacrifices.
"Why is this a big deal if she isn't an intimate partner?"
Dude I think you can figure that one out on your own.
"Is she just trying to be controlling by letting you know when you can and can't have sex?"
If that is the case then high tail it out of there. | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 1:41:49 PM | | I find her actions quite admirable -- good on her. If you were really interested and caring of her, you'd wait along with her, no? A reasonable and respectable man would, no? If you don't think she is worth the effort, why would you even contemplate having sex, lest your primary interest is to bed her. It kind of reminds of the history behind Facebook - built on the ****ability of nameless women. | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 1:42:32 PM | Seeing the different response on this thread, it's easy to know how most opinions of most men and most women are oriented to the same thing LOL.
It goes to show you that, at the same time, women should indeed be scared of men who are looking only for sex, and at the same time, men should be watchfull of the vindictiveness and uncaring attitude some women display. It's kind of pathetic to see so many people gouging each other's eyes out.
For starters, anything that's important is worth waiting for. If you really liked a girl enough to want to have sex with her, you wouldnt see the fact she asks you to wait as "being a sacrifice". If your seeing it that way, your only shopping around for a meat suit, nothing else, and as such, arent any better than the 50%+ of married men on here looking for young girls to cheat on their wives with (google it, its true).
Also, if you don't like the idea of not having sex on the first night, regardless of what you think of the girl or not, your not doing yourself a favor keeping her on the "back-burner"; it's not honest to you or to her, and it could lead her to harboring resentement anyways. While your honesty is admirable, I sincerely doubt that it will impact the relationship in any way, except a negative one; a girl looks at me and says since I dont want to have sex on a first date, she'll go see other guys, I will gladly tell her to take her muff out the door and never take it back in. Not the kind of girl I am looking for.
But that's just my view on it. I don't think its about making sacrifices at all. If you see it that way, I'd suggest talking to people who might help you get a better perception of what it really is. But since society is going to Hell in a hand basket, and that sex, instead of being an act of love like it always should be in my mind, is now a negotiable trade item with a pricetag on it, I'm probably preaching to an empty room anyways  | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 2:05:36 PM | What it comes down to is how you feel about her. If she seems worth waiting for the no sex is a no brainer. And it needs not to be an issue of YOU waiting. It should be a decision you both agree on. But obviously she has the control.
Sex that we are not allowed to have can drive you crazy..meaning dating a girl who seems to like you but has put a NO sign out from the beginning. So if that is too difficult. I would of told her, 'Look I think you are great, but sex is really important to me and I think I would like to see other people. If you want to hang out some time great'.
So you would have been honest and given her an option. To sneak around a have sex with other girls while you are waiting for this girl to GIVE in, well sounds cheap. And remember she is only waiting till she trusts you...what happens if you sleep with her and then she finds out you were sleeping around.
In a relationship, as a man, it is not what you can get for yourself. It is how you act and react to what life brings your way. | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 3:34:15 PM | She has her boundary, and she's let you know. Great.
You do not share her boundary, and you let her know b/c you are interested enough in her to be honest. Great.
Here's where I see the problem: If you really like this girl and the two of you start to get comfortable together, are you going to expose her to the STDs you may have recently picked up? If not, you have to wait 3 months for testing (3 months from the last time you had sex). Condoms do not protect effectively against all STDs, especially herpes.
You need to make a choice, b/c transmitting an STD to someone you may really like will likely be the end of it (not to mention just flat out wrong). If you cannot manage your drive for 3 months one way or another, maybe you are not a good match for a girl who values intimacy and very likely does not want to put her sexual health at risk.
There is no right or wrong when it comes to having one's own boundaries (or not), but usually unpleasant things come out of trying to mix it up with someone whose boundary is significantly different from our own.
I think it is great that you were honest with her. I hope that you will continue to be honest, b/c nothing will make your life more miserable than a path of dishonesty. Good luck, whatever you decide. | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 3:36:55 PM |
She says she wants to wait a few months before getting intimate.
Tell her you want to wait a year before getting intimate, see what she says... | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 3:46:12 PM | For some guys sex is always an important thing in a relationship. For some women too. But some girls have been in relationships where SEX is the ONLY THING! And perhaps holding back from not wanting to have sex is not a bad thing if you ask me. She's trying to get to know you and see if your interested in her or just want sex.
Some guys will wait for the 'right' girl if that is what she truly desires. And if this is something you don't want to do then cut her off and move on and let her find someone else.
I have personally been in lots of relationships where sex was always number one and perhaps was the only thing important in a relationship. And my next relationship that I get into, I'm gonna make the guy wait few months b4 I get intimate with him and if he can't handle that then that's ok. PLENTY OF FISHES in the sea!! :O) | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 4:12:23 PM | I think you both have different values and ideals regarding building a relationship.
This won't work.
One or the other of you will feel resentful.
If things aren't mutually agreed on, it's time to move on and find someone else.
This doesn't mean you're right or wrong.
It just is what it is. | |
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| Why make all the sacrifices?
Posted: 7/13/2012 4:26:39 PM |
Girl wants to be your ONLY choice at all time, and she would always want you to chase her; she doesn't want a partner that doesn't show her affections or seem very prone to cheating.
I suggest try figuring out your priority, what comes first, sex or relationship? Pick one out and stick to it
This poster gets it. So young, but already wise :-) | |
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