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| | How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | How do you keep an open mind and protect your heart at the same time? I’m pondering this question.
My chosen approach to life is maintaining an open mind and open heart. I see the good in people. But this approach has resulted in my feeling hurt, disappointed and used by certain men, that I need better boundaries with men.
Twice I felt hopeful, excited and enthusiastic about an athletic, intelligent man- “twitty-pated” as I call it- only to feel deeply disappointed, hurt and used when he vanished once we had sex. Turns out these guys lied about wanting a relationship.
Yet positive emotional attachments and vulnerability are essential for loving, human connections.
So how do you keep an open mind and protect your heart at the same time? I’m thinking I need to have better boundaries with men, slow the process down and ask better questions. I feel a bit beat up by the dating process.
Any ideas? | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/14/2012 8:09:42 PM | | Sometimes we jump into sex way too soon. Sometimes its its a boundary line between being romantic & being romantic that leads into sex. Just have fun on your dates. Wait awhile before you take the plonge, so to speak. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/14/2012 8:10:17 PM | I viewed your profile very shortly, main point was to see your age. 50+ woman asking question that would seemingly come for woman half your age.
But to answer your questions, yes you need to have better boundaries within your own self, when you get that straight, the bounderies with men will come easy.
Slowing the process would be the next step, because when the bounderies are in order, the process is already at a halt to a certain extent.
You will find that after you have asked the few common questions, you really dont have to much more, because action will start speaking louder then words.
When you get the processed, then you won't be hurt, especially so quickly. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/14/2012 8:24:27 PM | | If they're players/liars chances are you won't know until too late. About the only way to prevent is to take things at a slower pace. If they want to rush into something, probably not looking at building anything that can last over time. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/14/2012 8:35:55 PM | From reading your profile and interests your energy probably surpasses most men of your age. I don't get the impression that it is anything you are doing wrong. Your boundaries seem fine as they are.
I admire your ability to keep an open mind and heart. Trusting and being open to emotions makes us very vulnerable , the alternative is not attractive - closed and jaded. I know exactly how you feel. I become very disappointed with the insincerity of some of the men who I have met from time to time. My approach usually is to distance myself and take myself away from the situation and definitely online dating.
Don't stop being positive, and I am sure the right man will eventually show up. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/14/2012 8:39:40 PM |
If they're players/liars chances are you won't know until too late. About the only way to prevent is to take things at a slower pace. If they want to rush into something, probably not looking at building anything that can last over time.
Thank you, Mrfication. Players can be very convincing and smooth, saying what we want to hear. About the only way to prevent being hurt is to take things at a slower pace. If they want to rush into something, they are probably not looking to build a lasting relationship. Good points.
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/14/2012 8:40:40 PM | I agree with Abelian.
A lot of women try to assume that the first sexual encounter with a man means they are already or will be very shortly in a relationship with them. Sadly, though, I do believe there are some men out there that will allow this assumption to happen, maybe even encouraging it, so that they can have that sex with a willing partner. And then, ZIP! They're gone.
You're best means of protection is to allow romantic feeling to grow over time instead of just acting on them the moment you feel attracted to someone. The time frame can differ in each case. Before you sleep with someone, you should really ask yourself how much do you really know about this man? If you don't know more than his name and what he likes to do for a hobby, and whether he was married before, that just isn't enough. Just because you're attracted to each other, that isn't enough for a relationship. A relationship becomes a partnership. It's not just consensual, exclusive sex. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/14/2012 9:14:26 PM | I viewed your bio as did another poster. Outstanding by the way. Very professional and I love the multicolored shirt and belt in front of the plane. In my opinion age is not so much a factor when it comes to questions of the heart. I am 34 and the youngest of six. I've watched my highly educated older (50) sister make discoveries that were ground shattering. In turn, I also learned from them.
I have been going over a very similar question as to yours. From the view point of both people. I'm not going to delve into your situation directly but answer with my own thoughts about a situation like yours and mine.
I believe that one can not, at times, have their cake and eat it too. The situation that you have described does nothing but break hearts and cause one to mistrust. I think it is impossible to not become closed and protect your heart at the same time.
I think the best answer is that we must simply figure out our feelings as to what we want and don't want. Allowing this to set our personal boundaries. We should take however much time or however little time that we want to before having sex. The trick being that before we go that far we should be okay with whatever outcome there is. The act of sex being treated as a place in time that is a special and enjoying moment and not used as a trail head marker that is suppose to lead to something great. More of a celebrating love rather than "this is when we became the ultimately close couple". This mind set will be difficult for a while but should help. So, if the day after sex leads to a breakup then well it is better to lose a lover than to love a loser. And at the same time, if the day after leads to a lover that wants nothing more than to spend the rest of their life with you, then that is great!
I've seen the looks of the woman that has been through your situation and they are not pleasant looks. I have also read a number of bios that reek of that situation. These are also the first bios I will run away from just so that I do not have to be looked at like "I was that guy". I use to wonder what the deal was with a number of dates and even a friend that I have. Then I figured it out. They were treating me like I was "him" which is most unpleasant and unfair. To me, if there is that kind of blockage, then she is not ready to date. ~Good luck poster! | |
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Bezoa
| | Joined: 7/2/2012
Msg: 9 | |
| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/14/2012 11:41:17 PM |
How do you keep an open mind and protect your heart
Well, I dunno if all that brain exposure could result in blood clots really, but you would have to worry about the smell of burnt toasts now wouldn't you? | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 12:22:49 AM | How do you keep an open mind and protect your heart at the same time?
get your own emotional house in order. deal with fears, shed baggage, figure out where you should be cognitively acting instead of emotionally reacting, that sort of thing.
IMO, two things get people in the most trouble that you describe: being impatient, and not knowing or believing they can control how they feel about someone. if your emotional investment in these guys had been minimal, your pain would have been minimal when they left. why you chose to let your heart run ahead of the courtship pace, only you know.
If they're players/liars chances are you won't know until too late. About the only way to prevent is to take things at a slower pace. If they want to rush into something, probably not looking at building anything that can last over time.
if by 'something' you mean sex, that doesn't quite correlate. it's a mistake to believe anyone who wants sex early can't be a good faith dater, and it's equally a mistake to believe willingness to wait for sex somehow guarantees good faith. the way to render the point moot is to not tie emotional investment to sex, and to proceed with emotional patience. then whether sex happens earlier or later, if the courtship doesn't work out, it's not an emotional catastrophe.
Thank you, Mrfication. Players can be very convincing and smooth, saying what we want to hear.
especially if a woman tells one how to play her. by saying something like, 'i don't do sex without a commitment.' she's just named the price of her pvssy and revealed she's willing to accept an unenforceable IOU. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 1:22:25 AM |
I’m thinking I need to have better boundaries with men, slow the process down and ask better questions.
Maintain your open mind and open heart... those are part of who you are... what's needed is a more precise way of determining matches (or lack thereof).
Asking better questions... that's good but... a player knows the answers to your questions... He'll be glad you asked because you provided him a ladder to climb directly to where he wants to go. The better and harder your questions are, the faster he figures he'll get there. Thank you for asking! :-) It's a good idea but, as you can see, it can work against you if you depend on that too much.
But... pay attention to the questions HE asks... a guy whose only objective is to bed you, will rarely ask you questions that are important to determine if there is a match for a successful long term relationship. Even if he is a smooth player and asks a few of those, you can tell, because the questions seem to be free standing instead of having a clear structure resulting in a coherent whole used to determine a match. If HE doesn't ask hard questions that are part of figuring you out, be careful.
From another thread here in POF titled "Am I worthless", a female poster mentioned a series of "landmarks" she uses, they are:
1... Must have been to and seen his house.....
2... Must have met at least one friend....
3... Must have hung out with at least one of his friends....
4... Must have had weekend dates... more than one time....
5... Must know where he works....
6... Must know his last name....
7.. Can't have had any disappearing acts....
I would suggest adding something along the lines of "must have been to a party of similar other social event". You want to know about his general social skills and manners, ensure his personality is consistent, ensure he is fair to other people and, applies good judgement. It is much easier to evaluate those in social situations than it is when interacting mostly one on one. Those are part of the individual's character and that is what really counts.
I'm sure you get the idea of what I'm saying. Hopefully, it will have helped a little. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 3:11:09 AM |
You don't. Relationships are a gamble. If you want one, you have to take the risk of getting burned.
I agree. Difficult as it can be if you've been burned badly. But much of life is about taking risks. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 3:25:13 AM |
Maintain your open mind and open heart... those are part of who you are... what's needed is a more precise way of determining matches (or lack thereof).
I didn't want to fill the page with the entire quote from 'justlookingvt' but this summarises exactly my own opinion on this one - very good advice here :)
LiterateHiker - apologies for taking this slightly offtopic....your second opinion on the other thread is very much appreciated as well - I tried to send a message to your inbox to say thanks after I viewed your profile and saw your qualifications but it wouldn't let me due to your restrictions. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 4:38:51 AM | How do you keep an open mind and protect your heart at the same time?
That's pretty easy, because the mind & the heart aren't the same thing. You can be open-minded and open-ended and still not give your heart away, particularly to someone you don't know very well. As a matter of fact, being willing to have an "open heart" like a cheap hotel is the exact opposite of "open minded"; it's nothing more than you rushing to get somewhere in a way that leaves you vulnerable and makes it easy for people to take advantage.
My chosen approach to life is maintaining an open mind and open heart.
Ted Bundy's victims had the same approach. Maybe you should change your approach since it you're feeling beat up after using it.
Twice I felt hopeful, excited and enthusiastic about an athletic, intelligent man- “twitty-pated” as I call it- only to feel deeply disappointed, hurt and used when he vanished once we had sex. Turns out these guys lied about wanting a relationship.
I see what you did there. You equated "we had sex" with "wanting a relationship". Again, they are not the same thing. Many people, particularly men, don't think the same way you do about sex. In the end, you are left with the knowledge that you could have sex if you wanted to, but never because you think having sex means someone just shot off the starting pistol to "instant relationship".
Yet positive emotional attachments and vulnerability are essential for loving, human connections.... I’m thinking I need to have better boundaries with men, slow the process down and ask better questions.
Almost everything you mentioned in that sentence requires TIME and being OPEN ENDED, except for "better boundaries" because you can get those right away, and I think you just answered your own question.
by saying something like, 'i don't do sex without a commitment.' she's just named the price of her pvssy and revealed she's willing to accept an unenforceable IOU.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^ there ya go. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 5:12:24 AM |
if your emotional investment in these guys had been minimal, your pain would have been minimal when they left.
That's not as cold as it might sound. Key Word: Investment.
Whereas a 20-something might be investing her self-worth or even identity, I doubt that's where you are with it. Sorry you feel beat up.
For those of us who lean away from recreational sex with virtual strangers, and more toward sex as an expression of affection -- no need to change who we are.
Whether before or after the sex, either of you will still be free to leave the relationship at any time. That's the real risk and it can't be avoided. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 5:25:30 AM | A lot of good specifics offered so far. I'll take the larger, conceptual picture.
Your problem so far is not that you have "an open mind, and an unguarded heart," really. In fact, as with many people, you have a rather closed and limited "mind," or set of views and assumptions about "how everything is supposed to work," which is in turn causing you to make choices that don't work out as expected.
The solution is to increase your knowledge of humanity in general, and of yourself in particular. A true open mind, is one that is aware of the genuine variety and complexity of human nature, and which is careful to recognize the line between making a personal judgement and choice about likes and dislikes, and declaring what is "right and wrong" for everyone around them. The open mind decides each new challenge as it comes, honestly and completely.
A true open-minded person does not say "yes" to everything that is presented to them, quite the contrary. Saying "yes" to everything, is what a closed, prejudiced mind does, one that has decided in advance, to ignore one's own and others' concerns, in favor of a principle that they have misunderstood (can you tell I grew up in the hotbed of the 60's and 70's?). It is identical in that respect to the closed mind which has decided in advance to say "no" to everything.
What you described in your opening post, was that you presented yourself to others as the sort who is accepting of anything and everything, when in reality you DO very much have specific desires and needs which you want to have met. You failed to recognize and attend to your own specifications with them, instead assuming that what they wanted was what you desired. You thereby attributed (as others have pointed out) values and meanings to their actions, which were not actually in their thinking at all, and were disappointed to find out such after the sex.
This is why some very wise people here always advocate that you choose to have sex, specifically because YOU want to HAVE SEX, and nothing more.
I’m thinking I need to have better boundaries with men, slow the process down and ask better questions.
there you go. You already know what you need to do. You just have to put in the slug work, and do it. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 6:37:34 AM | | If people are leaving once they get sex out of you then you just need to slow it down. It is good to keep an open mind but also look out for yellow or red flags and if you see any communicate with your partner about them. If they are into you then they will be willing to wait for sex. Hanging out with your partner and his/her friends is a good way of ensuring that they aren't just cheating on someone with you. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 7:06:48 AM |
How do you keep an open mind and protect your heart at the same time? I’m pondering this question.
My chosen approach to life is maintaining an open mind and open heart. I see the good in people.
It's good to see the "good" in others,but when doing so, ya gotta be smart enough not to disregard the "bad" that you do see. Meaning,that you don't turn your head when you do see it. Confront!!!! Yes, in this day and age, it isn't the most pleasent thing to do,but, it does elminate a lot of potential hurt.
Seeing things thru rose coloured glasses,doesn't mean you have to see things "out of focus". | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 7:14:18 AM | Keep your feet on the ground. Stay grounded in reality.
Observe things as they are; don't get carried away with how you'd like them to be.
If you're not comfortable having sex outside of a relationship, or don't like hit and runs, wait until you ARE in a relationship.
Observe a man's actions over time, and judge how he feels about you by his actions toward you, not his words.
There really are no guarantees, though.
You can't be careful on a skate board. - Stephen King | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 7:20:11 AM | Aftercop: the reason to have better boundaries and ask better questions, if sex is for having sex, is so that she can INCLUDE her boundary concerns in her decision about having sex that is pleasing to her. These are not exclusive things, you know.
The ideal being suggested is, to know what you like, know what your want in a relationship, and to have sex for the sake of sexual pleasure, WITHIN that context. This is as opposed to having sex as a way to try to BUY the things you want from a relationship, or to have sex with the assumption that all the other factors are proven to be in place, simply because you are having sex.
Another way to put it is, that if you decide to have sex with someone before you have actually had time to know the all that well, then accept that it is your responsibility and not theirs, that they are not the person you wish they were. In this case, it should be obvious, that the sex you have, should be because you want sex, and not because you expect anything more than the act itself. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 8:37:08 AM |
Yet positive emotional attachments and vulnerability are essential for loving, human connections.
Attachment shouldn’t, and really doesn’t, develop very quickly. Sometimes we attach to our own hope, expectations and desire for what another person is or what relationship we want. That isn’t really attaching to that person. It’s attaching to the desire or expectation, and then putting a person who appears to be somewhat qualified to fill out our mental picture or desire in our own head.
Attach only to what that person truly is, what you know him to be, not what you hope he is or will be, or what kind of relationship you want or expect. Then you will not be vulnerable to disappointment when he is not what you hoped or expected. Remain open and aware of what you do not know about him yet, and deep attachment will not occur. We can’t possibly know much about someone, such as his reliability and real character, for many months, so we can’t really attach to someone for a long time. Early attachment is attachment to something other than that person. | |
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| How Do You Keep an Open Mind and Protect Your Heart?
Posted: 7/15/2012 10:05:19 AM | I don't think you can be open to love and protect your heart at the same time. It's a contradiction.
I've spent most of my life protecting my heart and not letting anyone closer then I wanted them to get, thinking that it would mean I couldn't get hurt. It doesn't actually work very well. What happens, is you choose someone who is also emotionally unavailable thinking that means that they won't demand emotional commitment from you - instead of having a relationship, you end up with a transaction. The other scenario is that you choose people who are so emotionally giving, they are needy which crowds you and creates resentment on your part. Either way, it always ends up in a train wreck and although it means you don't get hurt to the extent others might, it also means you miss out on the sheer joy that having an open heart allows. I have always been able to separate logic from emotion which is great when needing to make a decision however, I now think that the ability to do that allows for the default survival mode of 'F You' which kicks in to protect me from getting hurt. I have always been able to see the good in people too and I have always had great empathy for others but to let someone really close to you, it needs more then that. You need to be able to trust yourself. And when you make a wrong decision, you need to be able to forgive yourself and simply take the lesson vs taking the lesson but not forgiving yourself for making the wrong judgement as that just re-enforces that wall.
Over the last 5 or so years, I have finally been able to see that this is a habit of mine and it took seeing that in my own child for me to understand and acknowledge that is a legacy I passed on and it's not the best one to own.
I don't think I'll ever be the type who can throw caution to the wind and jump into the depths of anything without some level of deep thought but I have slowly removed the wall I put in place and I'm proud of having been able to do that.
I have a quote on the wall inside my house which says "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." I placed it there about 4 years ago when I realized that not once have I yet experienced one of those moments and that's not because I haven't had the opportunity but because I have been too busy protecting myself to feel it.
Over the years I've repeatedly heard my friends comment that I am one of the most intelligent people they know but I always make incredibly stupid choices with the men I get into relationships with. - I think now, that is because I have intentionally chosen those who would not hold me accountable for being detached emotionally.
When we know better, we do better. I now know I have been my own biggest obstacle and I own that fully. If there is a next time for me, I won't repeat the same mistakes again. | |
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