| | Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!Page 1 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) | Hello forum,
This is my first time to post on these forums, and I hope some people can offer me some advice. I am stumped and don't know what to do. The post is LONG, sorry about that.
I've been together with my girlfriend for almost a year. Technically we met over a year ago. It started as a one night stand that developed into something else. I know the advice not to try to date a girl you just meet at a party and hook up with for a night, but somehow it happened.
Anyway, after being together (not officially) for about 4 months we had unprotected sex. She told me she was fine, and her past partners had protected sex. A couple weeks later I noticed something a bit odd. So naturally I went to the doc. Turns out I had an STI. So was given antibiotics to take for a couple weeks. I talked to her about it. I know she wasn't 100% innocent, and I was with no one since I met her. So I told her to go to the doc to get checked as well. She did, and of course she had it too. Thankfully she got checked for HIV and was (-). This was about the end of September.
Besides this draw back the relationship was great! She went out of her way so that she could see me, she was always extremely thoughtful, we went on a trip together and I began to trust her. At the end of September/early October I finally asked where our relationship really was headed, and told her I wanted her to be my girlfriend. She agreed.
She also said I was her first boyfriend. Mind you, this girl is a few years older than me and I am in my mid 20's. So I was a bit shocked. So I just tried to be the best boyfriend I could be.
Then about December or January, I noticed something else...erm...down there. So it was back to the doc. Doc thought it was HPV. So I'm still being treated for the little 'wart'.
It was about time that I decided I had to confront her about her sexual history. Something I would never really want to ask, but since it was affecting my health...I think I had a right to know. I wanted to know how many times she had unprotected sex and what kind of girl she really was. She told me she had about 9 one night stands, all of them from clubs/bars when she was really drunk. One time she said a condom wasn't used but she was too drunk to really even know until it was too late. I only half believed her because it seemed pretty obvious in bed that she had sex more than 9 times. But I gave the benefit of the doubt because I wanted to trust her.
I was a bit shocked. But I do realize this is the modern world. I think 9 one night stands in the last 2 years is kind of a large amount, however I found it forgivable. That number is about double my partners. She is a super nice girl though, and she told me she hadn't been with anyone since she met me.
Fast forward to last week, and I just learned a lot of other things. It all started with her making out at a party with another girl, she was super drunk. I've seen her kiss girls before and it never really bothered me. But full on making out is not something I consider someone in a relationship would be doing...even if it is girl/girl. I began to be a bit concerned about how she acted when she was drunk and I wasn't around since I trusted her and let her go to clubs with her friends and whatnot. She swore she didn't do anything with guys, only girls and just kissing/making out. I told her I didn't like it, it is still another person. She said she wouldn't do it again.
Then finally she came to tell me about her wild past. She told me she didn't know how many men she really was with, but maybe about 2 different guys every month for 2 years. So I am guessing about 50. I personally think that is an outrageous number. But if it was with healthy relationships, or at least half of them, I could at least consider the possibility. However, she told me "anyone" was basically okay. So I find this really slutty and have a hard time wrapping my heart and mind around this. To know that there were at least 50 guys before me that had to do practically nothing for her to give herself to. One time a condom broke and on a short stint of meeting a guy the second or third time for sex she chose not to use a condom! Much different than what she told me before!
Then, the real nail in the coffin is when she said she was with 2 other guys after we met. Still not boyfriend and girlfriend, still kind of just friends with benefits, but I did see her more than a half dozen times. I tried really hard to forget about that. But then she told me that on a trip to the U.S. (I am American, she is foreign) with her friend, she also slept with a guy from a club. That trip to the U.S. was only about 2 weeks before asking her to be my girlfriend. I already had spent her birthday with her, had a short trip, she came to my house, and I'd seen her a dozen times!! I know we never agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend yet, but I think it was apparent that it was a bit more than your average club hookup. So that was 3 other guys after she met me, and quite a few lies scattered in between.
I really do believe I am her first boyfriend. I am the first guy that saw something special in her to stick around. She told me the reason she did all this was that she felt she just couldn't find love and before having to get married through a possible arrangement she needed to do it (in her country arranged marriages are still a thing if the girl can't find a partner before a certain age). Overall I think she is a sweet girl. I think she finally has told me everything honestly. I do believe her when she says after we were officially boyfriend/girlfriend she didn't cheat on me. However, I'm not sure if I should count the times in limbo, especially the one from the U.S. 2 weeks before I asked her. I know she had trust issues and thought I was just playing her. She met me the same way she met all her previous one night stands. But like I said it should be obvious that it was different. I was the first one to call her back to hang out.
I am trying really hard to be understanding. I really do love her. I don't want to break up with her, I want to still try. See if I can accept in in time. But in all honesty I think she can never be the girl I could marry. Sure a girlfriend. Someone I care and love for. But not the last girl I could sleep with for the rest of my life without letting her past destroy me. I wish I never got an STI so that I never had to ask. I wish I was just oblivious thinking it was a number countable on both hands... I wish I didn't love her. I figured I'd try for a couple more months, and if I personally can handle it, it is probably best to stop wasting her time and my time since the relationship would never go beyond boyfriend and girlfriend in most likely hood.
Forum, I don't know what to do. Does anyone have advice from past relationships? This I think is a difficult one. Or even if no one has advice, at least an opinion. I'd like to hear both female and male responses.
Thank you. :( | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/17/2012 11:08:05 PM | | If I were you, given your "story" so far, and having been lied to repeatedly it seems, I'd wonder how I could ever trust her, and when I was going to find out about the *next* "little lie". I'm pretty sure I would have bailed by now though. | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/17/2012 11:12:23 PM | Youre no better than her. Youre having unprotected sex with her just like shes having with you and youre not indulging in your own past. For all we know you could be the one giving her STIs. You decided to have unprotected sex not knowing what you were getting yourself into just like her and now youre acting like youre the innocent unknowing one and shes the slut.
The proper time to ask abut STIS is BEFORE you have unprotected sex not AFTER youve had unprotected sex 100 times. Her past is none of your business. You chose to have unprotected sex with her without knowing your status its too late to play the blame game now because youre just as guilty as she is. | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/17/2012 11:18:23 PM | HearMeOut
Sorry if it wasn't clear. I was tested for STDs a full screening a few months after my last sexual relationship. I knew I was clean. Before I had sex with her, she told me she was clean. Should I have asked her for the printed test results.
After that I didn't have unprotected sex with her. I then used a condom. And until today do. I think people should take personal liability for their actions. If she KNEW she had unprotected sex, and had sex with 50 men in the past, she should have been tested before she asked me to do it. Before she told me it was okay.
I am not blaming anyone. But I have been 100% honest with her, the whole way through. Again, I agree her sexual past isn't my problem. But it becomes my problem when I get infected because of it. I still stayed with her for about a half year afterwards. The problem I am having now is that she wasn't honest with me. And, let's face it...sleeping with any 50 guys is pretty slutty. I would think the same of a guy who did it. I just wouldn't care because I am not sleeping with him.
I am looking for advice, not flaming or criticizim that doesn't help the situation. Thank you. I | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/17/2012 11:22:33 PM | No offense but if you haven't figured out on your own to dump this chick,what makes you think we could convince you?
are you expecting someone to tell you all is okay and don't worry about a thing? -you've got a L O N G wait. | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/17/2012 11:25:47 PM | I've been with this girl for 1 year. I love this girl. That is why it is so difficult. That is why I need advice in numbers. I am not hugely experienced with relationships. I've only had a couple. So I need confirmation that my next course of action is in mine (and her's) best interest. Besides this sexual mess, everything else seems like floating on clouds.
So far it seems like my gut is telling me the right thing though. Which both scares me and makes me incredibly sad. :( | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/17/2012 11:34:03 PM |
I am not blaming anyone.
Yeah, you are... you are blaming her.
Getting tested a couple of months ago myself, they tell you that some STI tests require a follow up test...
and Human Papilloma Virus isn't something they routinely test for.
You may have had that for years undetected.
I am sure that you are very upset with the whole situation, but you have to own your part of it too.
If you take your pants off - take responsibility for your actions.
I think you should end the relationship now,
because you have said she is a slut, but still claim to love her.
She must love that you think she is a slut... | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/17/2012 11:42:07 PM | Okay. I understand that you can't understand the situation and you feel like you may have to be the feminine voice of equalization and reason. I do thank you for your input, I just wish you could see it less of an attack on my girlfriend and more on my concerns. However, I would rather have real advice from women on if this is something you think I should look past. Is this something that females would find acceptable, etc.
I mentioned that I only had a few past relationships. All were protected sex. I was tested immediately after and 4 months after because I know the deal with HIV, etc. I know HPV isn't detectable. But given my history, and her's as well as the timing of a few months after having unprotected sex with her...well I can only logically deduce. Sure is there other possibilities for the HPV, maybe. But I never even told her that I got it from her. I just said I got it. I even mentioned that tons of people have it so I couldn't say it was from her.
And I don't think she is a slut. I think her past is slutty. Not even the number exactly, but that she didn't even do it with guys she wanted. Just guys who wanted her. Her words, not mine... I said "she is a sweet girl." jeeze. | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/17/2012 11:49:21 PM | As forums1 above said, how can you trust her ? and without trust, how can you have a healthy relationship ?
What is it you love about her ? her being so trustworthy ?
Whether you love her or not, get out of that mess. Do you want to stick around and learn something else the hard way ? (that's assuming you're not in for further learning down the road even if you call it quits now)
Go see a doctor, explain the mess you got yourself into, have every imaginable test run on you and a schedule made for retests as necessary until you're sure you're clean again.
Lastly, don't forget to live and learn. | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/17/2012 11:52:41 PM | you said you cld never marry her...
so what's the problem... u hv already judged her
people always knows the answers.... as u do
if u loved her u wldt be here asking strangers...
... best of luck.... | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/17/2012 11:52:56 PM | Wow. If you can't trust her and deep down never will, I don't think that's a good place to be in. She cheated on you after twice? Or where you fwb and unofficially together while this happened? I don' know her and I don't know you, but if you can see a real change in her since you two are both are officially together now it may work. It's a big plus that she didn't lie to you about her past on her part, she doesn't seem the type to like to bullsh^t and that is rare enough.
Now it's up to you to see if you can work on your future together rather then dwell on her past. If not, I'd say you will probably have to break up with her. It would be for the best if it means that she won't have to live in guilt and good for you since it seems you can't get past it. I can understand where you're coming from though, but there is not much left to do except: break up or accept it.
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/17/2012 11:54:53 PM | Seems like your girlfriend doesn't give you important information until she is basically confronted. I don't know about you, but I don't think I could be with someone, always wondering when I was going to find out the next little tidbit of not so pleasant information.
I think you wrote this thread hoping people were going to tell you that people make mistakes, give her another chance, it's not that bad, etc etc.
It's pretty ****ing bad. | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:05:10 AM | | Of course, we are only hearing your side of the story, but really, I'd say she is not ready for the kind of relationship that you want. She seems to be being truthful now, but how do you know she is? She sounds unstable and dishonest to me, and your seeking to justify things she has said and done -- even since she's been with you --- sounds like you're getting used big time. What you want to believe and what is the truth could well be two very different things. The kind of behaviour she is exhibiting (irresponsible drinking and promiscuity over the course of a couple of years) aren't likely to change overnight. I'd wish her well and move on. Find someone who can be more of an equal partner in a relationship, not someone who needs you to rescue them from their own issues. Good luck:) | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:10:58 AM |
Okay. I understand that you can't understand the situation and you feel like you may have to be the feminine voice of equalization and reason.
She seemed to have a good grasp of your OP. You just didn’t like her suggestion that you own your share of the responsibility.
But given my history, and her's as well as the timing of a few months after having unprotected sex with her...well I can only logically deduce.
But… you aren’t blaming her, right?
And I don't think she is a slut. I think her past is slutty.
There’s no difference.
However, I would rather have real advice from women on if this is something you think I should look past.
Look past what, her slutty past that you don’t blame her for?
Let her go, why are you trying so hard to play the martyr?
It ain’t love. | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:13:49 AM | I think if you love her, you can work it out. But she does have some serious issues.
She hasn't been truthful about the past because she knew it would make you leave.
The two guys she slept with after she met you, were BEFORE you were in a committed relationship.
It sounds like she has a problem with alcohol--all of her promiscuous behavior revolves around it.
If you do stay with her, it is going to take time to build up trust. Sometimes people want to "wipe the slate clean" and act as if all is forgotten. In your shoes, I would treat it like a new relationship--be tentative and watchful. I think it took a lot of courage for her to tell you all of this.
But I would not let her go out drinking without you. | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:20:55 AM | You know what your gut is telling you OP. (Why else would you be asking for second opinions/advice if it weren't so?)
The only trouble is convincing yourself to believe it.
Sorry OP but IMHO, I never understand why so many people out there spend (waste) time trying & hoping to fix/change fkked up ppl into their "dream partners" when they can spend that very time meeting/developing a healthier relationship with someone who could be of a better, less fcked up choice.
~ JMO | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:24:02 AM | OP, your girlfriend is promiscuous and has unprotected sex at least once since you have been with her. She has lied to you in the past, now she admits she has sex with other guys -- and there may be other men (women too) since you've known her that she hasn't admitted to.
You may love her, but she is not and won't be faithful to you. Whether she actually loves you is questionable; perhaps you're just the guy she is with when she isn't with someone else.
I think you knew what you need to do before you posted here. Whether you will actually do it, I don't know. But I can tell you that if I were in your place I'd stop seeing her immediately, refuse any requests she might make to see you, and wait long enough before seeing anyone else for a follow-up test for STDs (more than just the basics, please) has a good opportunity to detect anything that may still be in your system. | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:37:39 AM | Thank you for all your responses so far. They have been helpful in clearing my head. I am especially thankful to the women who have stayed on topic to offer their advice an help. It is a point of view I can never have on my own.
I am also sorry to those women whom I may have offended. Personally I think there is a difference between being a slut and being slutty. My girlfriend is NOT a slut! And I would appreciate that you do not insinuate that I believe she is. However, I do believe in the past she was overly promiscuous, call it what you wish. I will never say my girlfriend IS a slut. Get over yourselves, and stop dwelling on your false impression of me as an individual. Also don't assume because I come here seeking advice from strangers and you half a false sense of me "blaming" her for GIVING me the STI and have zero responsibility and that you think I do not love her. I am concerned mainly that she lied to me about being clean. For F sake! This is a main why I am afraid to leave her, because I don't want to deal with over inflated female egos who would rather show that the man isn't innocent and that he is at fault than help the man out.
And I guess some commentary are correct. I am judging her. That is what is hard. I don't know how I should. We all judge people. Especially the people we want to be with. I don't know if I should judge based on her past, or how she has been when she has been really with me. This is the reality. And many guys are true about me now having a trust issue with her. But I REALLY REALLY want to believe that there is nothing else. She knew that telling me could end the relationship, but she did because she felt she couldn't continue lying to me. I respect that entirely and find it a very noble action that does not exist very often in modern society.
As far as why I am posting this to strangers is because exactly that. Anonymous. Do I want people to know who my girlfriend is? No! Do I want honest responses. Yes!
I mean I have definitely learned to be much more cautious about having unprotected sex with my partner. However I still want to fall short of paranoia and ask for the printed results. I mean, that just seems crazy a bit to me. But I guess it may be better than the alternative which I have experienced. I will take that advice, thank you, and maybe in my next relationship just suggest getting tested together. That definitely would have been the most wise thing. But passion knows very little wisdom. And I guess that's the price to pay.
I am not a martyr. I know I made tons of mistakes in this relationship. Tons of stupid things I should have followed my instincts on. Don't think of me as a martyr. A disillusioned lover and a fool would be a more accurate description.
Thank you for all your contributions. I was surprised so many people answered. I am eternally grateful. :) | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:43:56 AM | | You are clearly not happy with this so either try to see why she lied about the amount of sexual partners or get rid. If you meet another girl that has had a lot of men and she is honest about it then don't judge her to be like this one. Nothing wrong with a woman having lots of partners like men do but it is the dishonesty and the fact that you are not happy. She might have lied as it is hard to feel accepted by a man if a woman has had a lot of partners (unlike the reverse) but to lie about always using protection when she has not is not excusable. If you are not happy then don't carry on with her. | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:46:59 AM | Wow,Op,from what you've told us in your Thread,there'll never be any trust between you and ALWAYS use protection to protect your sexual health no matter what anyone tells you.
People lie! | |
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:59:02 AM |
But I REALLY REALLY want to believe that there is nothing else.
So believe it then.
Why take heed to what a bunch of internet strangers have to say right?
Fact is .. perhaps ..
.. it bothers your conscience that your GF was dishonest with you.
.. it bothers your conscience that your GF had a promiscuous past.
.. it bothers your conscience because you don't know if you can trust your GF being faithful to you.
Yet keep telling yourself otherwise.
I don't want to deal with over inflated female egos who would rather show that the man isn't innocent and that he is at fault than help the man out.
If you truly want to be helped out -- help yourself by taking care of your STI and making sure your GF gets checked (PAP smear and the whole 9 yards) .... and that YOU BOTH learn to use protection whether now or beyond your current relationship. .. ...... That is THE VERY LEAST both of you can do to be responsible about not further spreading STI's to other individuals.
It only takes ONE PERSON to be careless ....
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| Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 1:19:08 AM | Thank you! :)
I hope that the one thing we learn from this relationship is to be more sexually careful. I also hope she doesn't choose to go down the same road as before. I hope within this one year I could give her enough confidence so that she chooses who she wants and likes--even if just for one night. | |
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