| | I am single handedly ruining my relationship Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | | I need advice and help on my relationship. I'm basically running my relationship into the ground with my paranoia, depression, and delusions. Me and my boy friend have been together for over a year with a 3 month break up added on. Basically my issue is him not talking to me often enough. I used to not care too much cause I had a lot going on. Now my feelings have modified and I wish we spent more time together. It's taking a toll on him because he feels like i don't trust him when I try so hard too. I'm jealous of his female friends and I get hurt when he doesn't text me to let me know he's thinking of me. So now we are giving each other space per my request and it's killing me too. I'm scared thinking he's off finding another girl and wanting to break up with me. Even though he claims to love and care for me so much. I want to know what i can do to change my behavior cause I know it's all in my head. I love him and I don't want to lose him. | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/18/2012 10:25:18 AM | You're young. Lose a few good men over this type of behavior and you'll learn your lessons.
Any man with any self respect wouldn't deal with this kind of behavior. Honestly, what would you think of him if he did? The word Wuss mean anything to you? | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/18/2012 10:25:44 AM | but you're here, looking for a relationship...while worrying he's off to find someone else.
as you know, you need to work on your demons. you're worried about losing what he represents to your life, when you need to find out how to represent yourself to your own life...then you won't worry about him running off, b/c if he does...you're still the same person, whether he's here or he's gone.
good news is, you know where the problem lies--so many try to blame their partner. so you're light years closer to the solution then they are. counseling may help, tho you'll have to try a few in order to get the right fit. | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/18/2012 10:31:58 AM |
I used to not care too much cause I had a lot going on.
There's your answer.
You need to get back to that place where you "had a lot going on".
What changed? | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/18/2012 10:39:40 AM |
not talking to me often enough
my feelings have modified
I try so hard too
I'm jealous
I get hurt
it's killing me too
I'm scared thinking
What do the above statements have in common? They define a victim.
what i can do to change my behavior cause I know it's all in my head.
What does this statement says that is different. It reflects a desire for self empowerment. This is a good start. Realize that you have been playing the victim role. Things happen to you, and you are hurt, and so forth. Start by getting busy with your life. But also read about how you do not need this guy to complete you. Once you become hole, then you can be with someone. | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/18/2012 10:54:47 AM | Yeah, seems like you flip-flop alot. "I don't have time; now I do. I wasn't jealous before; now I am."
Depression and delusions are pretty loaded and serious terms. Get help with that. May as well, as guys are not going to stick around with someone they never know how they'll be feeling next, ya know? If this guy does not seem like he'll be good to help you along in this process, move on. | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/18/2012 11:01:31 AM | A brilliant songwriter once wrote
"The only way to trust Love, is to live as though it's there."
You ARE very young, and that means both that you worry far more intensely than you ought, and that you really don't have any established life of your own to provide you with a grounded, secure perspective from which to think of your mate.
You have far more to learn about what love means, as a concept on it's own, as something you want to feel, as a force in your life, as a reason for either or both of you to make choices, etc, than even a dozen threads could hope to answer.
Work on learning everything you can about YOURSELF. Figure out your motivations for every small detail about how and why you want your life to follow whatever course you are on. Make as sure as you can, that you have a personally chosen reason, independent of whether this or any guy is with you, for what you do with your time and energy. That way, your ability to trust will increase, for the simple reason that the less it matters to you whether or not you can trust someone, the more you will be able to trust them. | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/18/2012 11:33:15 AM | Good for you OP,
for looking at yourself.
I'm not 100% sure it's your behavior needing changing, though.
One disgusting trick cheaters use is to tell the cheated-on "It's all your imagination, baby; you need to deal with your trust issues."
Not saying he is that, but if he isn't -- tell me why he has time for friends and not time for you. And are all his friends female?
He could be just an honest, friendly guy, whose need for contact *does not match yours.*
No harm, no foul.
But when a mismatch is severe, neither partner will get what they want.
It's especially troublesome when the mismatch concerns an issue that will crop up every single day.
:( | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:20:38 PM | Maybe you just need someone more loving, more attentive, more trustworthy, more into you, more considerate of your needs, more romantic. And with fewer "girl friends".
Maybe he's just not enough for you and by clinging to him, trying to "make it work" you're missing out on something so much better. Maybe he's not the one for you and you need to let it go. | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:28:59 PM | Learn to trust you gut feelings, what is making you feel this way all of a sudden? Sometimes its being afraid to judge a situation that you are uncomfortable with, but think you might misjudge something.
If somethings feels wrong, there usually is something wrong. | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/18/2012 1:03:23 PM | Honestly, you are not mature enough to date. Your insecurity and neediness are going to ruin any relationship you have until you learn how to control it. Constant contact with a guy does not equal fidelity. Being demanding of someones every moment will drive people away and leads to you being alone.
Why do you think you are so controlling and unreasonable? You are not old enough to have had very many painful break ups. Your expectations are very self serving and manipulative, they have nothing to do with love.
You are a lovely young girl and owe it to yourself to get this problem fixed, consider counseling most schools offer it to their students. | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/18/2012 1:12:23 PM | OP is he the 37second man from the other topic?
or is that someone different?
Oh, and seriously take that 18 - 40 age restriction off your profile,
it is just going to attract creepy guys who are looking to take advantage of a high school student. | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/18/2012 1:24:08 PM | | Jealousy and insecurity are the two most unattractive character flaws to have unless you like people preying on that. And I agree with 3ffervescent about lowering you age restrictions. As always, get a good education and use birth control. | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/18/2012 9:43:44 PM | Maybe you just need someone more loving, more attentive, more trustworthy, more into you, more considerate of your needs, more romantic. And with fewer "girl friends".
Maybe he's just not enough for you and by clinging to him, trying to "make it work" you're missing out on something so much better. Maybe he's not the one for you and you need to let it go.
i wonder if it would sound pathetic and hopeless if i said all those things were everything he was, first guy i met who cared and wanted to make me happy,who accepted me completely for who i was and dint judge me and listened to me and cared about my feelings, then i got all weird and paranoid i even think other guys are cheating on their girl friends, and i guess ive pushed him away, can you pull someone back after youve pushed them away
and ive thought what if its just me being the cheater hence being on this site and I'M trying t make an issue to ease my guilt, though the reason im on this site is because feel hopeless i guess I really dont know
also my other thread had to do with him not calling, the situation had progressed into something far worse, yeah he's the guy from my other post and i am on birth control, and yeah | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/18/2012 10:20:17 PM | | i also failed to mention that we dont spend much time together anymore cause my grandma always keeps me i the house and our together time was a big part of our relationship and now we've pretty much lost it, and i also get the feeling he doesnt care though he says my granny wont let me out so he doesnt want to get his hopes up | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/18/2012 10:29:45 PM | Okay,
You are 18 years old. When you tell your boyfriend that your grandmother won't let you out, he's not going to believe you because you have 100% control over whether you go out or not. He will just see that as a copout.
You asked for a split, some space. That's called breaking up with someone. If you want to be with him, NEVER do this. It is literally impossible for you to be "in a relationship" and "taking time off". If he's seeing other people right now, he's not cheating on you.
You have pushed him away, and your next move - if you want to salvage this - is to call him, say you are sorry for pushing him away, and make sure that you are the type of woman that he's going to want to spend time with - that is - someone trusting, someone who doesn't make assumptions, and most importantly, someone who believes in "innocent until proven guilty". You need to date like you've never been hurt before.
If I were in his shoes, you would have already been yesterday's news. So this guy really likes you for putting up with all this bull. He's someone who thinks highly of you. Go get him and make this right.
Good luck. | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/18/2012 11:32:39 PM |
You are 18 years old. When you tell your boyfriend that your grandmother won't let you out, he's not going to believe you because you have 100% control over whether you go out or not. He will just see that as a copout.
well im still in high school and my mom says if i dont like the rules i can move out which isnt an option at this time so yeah she really is controlling everything, but maybe he doesnt see it that way,
You have pushed him away, and your next move - if you want to salvage this - is to call him, say you are sorry for pushing him away, and make sure that you are the type of woman that he's going to want to spend time with - that is - someone trusting, someone who doesn't make assumptions, and most importantly, someone who believes in "innocent until proven guilty". You need to date like you've never been hurt before.
so the space thing was mutual too cause at the time he had a headache and was feeling really bad and didnt wanna talk which was almost 2 days ago, i do want to salvage this because the bottom line is i love him, which is why i want help i hate making him feel like this, i miss when we were happy and i trusted him. so since the space ended up being a mutual decision how do i approach this. im trying to change oh so much so much, i want to change for my sake and his. thank you though your advice was the most helpful and direct | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/19/2012 12:03:26 AM | Well parents will be parents, they set the rules, you can call it "controlling", but in the end they only want what they think is best for you.(I'm 30, and my parents still think that way! lol)
As for the space part, and wanting to change, I always like to say that the hardest thing a person can do is change themselves, for ANY reason. What you need now is open lines of communication, that is the most important part of any relationship, be it with family, friends, co-workers, and especially lovers. You need to talk about how you are feeling and work together on a plan, not to change who either of you are, but to find a compromise, where you can both be comfortable!
I really hope that helps! | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/19/2012 1:29:33 AM | | Why do you want so desperately to be with someone who doesnt make you happy, does nothing to help with your insecurities (seems to only make them worse) and obviously doesnt try hard enough to consider how you feel to the point where you torture yourself like this??? | |
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| I am single handedly ruining my relationship
Posted: 7/19/2012 1:43:36 AM | Therapy!
You have a counselor at school. Start by seeing that person.
Whether this guy is a good guy or not, you seem to be incapable of handling the relationship. It will continue to be like this until you work on yourself. Your mom and grandma probably see the harm this relationship is causing you, and that's why they're not letting you out of the house. Smart ladies. | |
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