|random funniesPage 1 of 1 |
|lolbntl - laugh out loud but not too loud|
Why do jockeys ride horses?
One time I was feeling bad so I went to a church. They were closed. It made me laugh.
There is quite a few rules to post in this humor forum. Comedy has rules??
Sometimes it is acceptable to tell an inside joke that only you are in on.
It's kind of hard to speak your mind when it is empty.
The best thing about having broken glasses is not worrying about them breaking when you drop or sit on them.
When you know where the line is, you know exactly what you can get away with.
My friend visited from brasil. We were eating shrimp. We said "You eat them with the shells on??". He replies "I cant believe you dont eat the shell!"
My computer must be getting old. It takes it 2-5 minutes to cue in on what im saying.
On my keyboard, I am missing my U,J,K and M keys. It's sad that I had to think about which ones they were.
Posted: 7/21/2012 9:25:03 PM
|Jockeys ride horse because they can't reach the pedals of an automobile.|
Dear internet provider, You get paid very well and profess the fastest service so....wtf?
So our most purified water is in beer? let's get drunk!
Through my teenage experience, now when I smell a skunk, I'm like "Smells pretty good!" :)
I have always tried to force myself to acquire certain tastes in food. Anchovies is a tough one.
"Zoom Zoom" ? Mazda, this ticket is on you :|
If I remove my usb without confirming it's ok, my house isn't going to blow up is it?
Posted: 7/25/2012 3:56:57 PM
|how many brewers does it take to screw in a lite bulb?|
One third fewer than a regular bulb!
Posted: 7/25/2012 9:23:20 PM
|If this was facebook, I would like that.|
We can not say senselessness has no point. How else would SNL been on air for so long?
One time..umm.. nm. Next line..
I dropped "Clear Eyes" on my pupils once. They didn't work.
The how-to in growing a healthy cactus: Bring them inside in the winter.
Ok. My cat loves eating oranges. (Thats just it. I've never seen that before)..and when he's outside across the yard, he can hear a watermellon being cut in the kitchen. He can honestly catch birds, but for some reason prefers the orange.
If you're feeling nauseous, eat a banana and/or chocolate ice cream. Trust me.
Posted: 7/25/2012 10:50:57 PM
|The little woman left me a note on the fridge: "It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with Mother."|
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about... The fridge works fine.
WOMEN, who can understand them?
Posted: 7/26/2012 12:52:36 PM
|Kansas you got the real life lol on that one!|
Posted: 7/26/2012 1:05:39 PM
|yes. I like that one too! lol|
Posted: 7/28/2012 11:15:12 AM
|I wanted to delete my account. The button says "quit/give up/delete". Ok....so I am still here.|
"Dont stop being yourself and never give up" is what I hear. Now that is quite the pickel.
This morning I took my morning .... . I have never been given an asthma attack from that before. (I eventually caught my breath btw)
I didn't call this thread "random funnies" for no reason.
Originality goes out on a whim. There is no track record or guarrantee that it works.
I noticed, there is not an option for "single/not looking".
Posted: 10/3/2012 3:17:31 PM
|Some time ago I changed my gender to female and up'd my age to 106 (don't ask).|
I noticed the pof ads read "106 years old? Meet man looking to meet women of your age."
-really? are you kidding me? 106 year old women know how to use a computer?
If only I could p.a. and fire a recruiter, job hunting would be easy.
So, a little while ago, I give a bum in a wheelchair a smoke and sat and chatted with him. A man walked by, well dressed in a nice jacket. He's asked if either of us had a spare smoke. I had one left, but without consideration, gave him a stern "no!". The bum then gave him the smoke I gave to him. Then the man said to me "It's nice to know some people are generous!" - of course, silence, within my head I thought 'I hope that's the last cig you ever smoke'
-yes sad, but ironically funny
Why go through the effort of making an apple pie to throw at someone, when you can just throw an apple?
When I go up for open-mic, I think the bar regrets calling it open-mic.
Posted: 10/28/2012 10:41:40 AM
|I get a deja-vu everytime I clean up my cat's up-chuck off the carpet.|
I'm thinking about going shopping at a clothes store and buying a mannequin.
Going gay and swearing off men could be an option.
Come mr tally man and tally me banana. "You have one sir..now just enjoy the beach maan!"
"Going-green" could mean just about anything but somehow all means the same thing.
I used to have a fear of hair. but it grew on me.
Posted: 10/30/2012 10:19:29 AM
|I went to the doctor the other dat and after assesing my symtoms he cut the cord that connects my eyes to my ***hole and he got rid of my shitty outlook on life.|
Then I went to my pychiatrist and said listen doctor I'm a wigwam I'm a wigwam I'm a teepee I'm a teepee and he said relax your too tents
Posted: 7/8/2013 1:56:28 PM
|Patient: Hey doc! How are you?|
Doctor: I am good! How are you?
Patient: I am good as well! It's a very nice day!
Doctor: Now what do you mean by it's a nice day?
Patient: Well, it's sunny, relatively cloudless, a warm breeze but just a little humid.
Doctor: When you say humid..what do you mean by that?
Patient: There is moisture in the air and it's a little uncomfortable.
Doctor: When you say moisture..do you mean there is moisture in your head that is clouding your thoughts?
Doctor: It's ok, you can talk to me.
Doctor:Im here to help.
Patient:.... I think you might need to get a grip here doc.
Doctor: I have a grip, but I wish to help you get a grip.
Patient: I was refering to the weather being nice but a with a little uncomforting humidity....
Doctor: I want to help you find comfort.
Patient: You can change the weather patterns?
Doctor: No I can't. I am human and cannot do that. Talk to me. Whats bothering you?
Patient: At the moment, you are.
Doctor: How am I bothering you?
Patient: Kinda, you're crapping on my day.
Doctor: There's no need for that language.
Patient: My due apology, my leige. In the condescending manner in which you are conversing with me, I am finding it to be quite disrespectful and find it to be a blantant disregard for our time.
Doctor: just talk to me like a normal person...
Patient: Normal people don't use sarcasm when they are pestered?
Doctor: I am not pestering you, I wish to help you.
Patient: I gotta say doc...your a tough crowd.
Doctor: In this room, there is only you and me. There is no crowd of people in here.
Patient: You don't say...
Doctor: Ok. What do you plan on doing with your life?
Patient: Pretty much whatever comes my way, I want to do lot's of stuff with my life.
Doctor: Many people with your condition believe they can do many things that they really can't do.
Doctor: You honestly believe you can do anything?
Patient: why not?
Doctor: You're not cooperating.
Patient: Please define cooperation for me doc...
Doctor: When two people work together to complete a task or have conversation that gets down to the matter.
Patient: ah. I see..
Doctor: Do you believe you have superpowers?
Patient: Well. I do have this crazy, insane ability to listen to what people are saying using only my ears! I call it "Crazy, insane hearing" !
Doctor: Everyone has that ability. You're just giving it a name.
Patient: How about this one. On the soccer field, I can run fairly fast with the soccer ball and without looking, make a decent pass to a team-mate!
Doctor: Many soccer players can do that.
Patient: Ok. How about this one. I can take random ingredients put them all together in a pan and make a good tasting food dish!
Doctor: Thats called cooking.
Patient: I also have a crazy insane ability for sarcasm.
Doctor: Get the hell out of my office.
Patient: Doc! this is amazing! I think we have really connected here! I should come back again and we should continue with this. We are making some progress here. Im proud of you doc!
Doctor: That's enough. Get out.
Patient: Well...that was interesting.
Doctor: That boy is so far gone.
Posted: 7/25/2013 7:00:14 PM
|I went to the doctor for a checkup.|
He checked my reflexes, checked my ears, checked my throat, and then said, "You are going to have to stop jerking off."
I asked why?
He said, "Because I'm TRYING to check your blood pressure!"
Posted: 7/28/2013 8:08:32 PM
|I find this page very funny, keep them coming |
Posted: 8/10/2013 8:09:25 AM
|How do you get two engineers to agree?|
Posted: 8/12/2013 4:02:08 PM
Why do jockeys ride horses?
Because it would look silly the other way around.
Posted: 9/4/2013 11:02:46 AM
|Blimey what a night.|
After 30 years of marriage I finally found my wifes G spot...
...her sister had it!
Posted: 9/4/2013 11:05:04 AM
|I remember years ago going to a fancy dress party as a loaf of bread...|
...the birds loved it.
Posted: 9/9/2013 7:35:10 AM
|I'm reading these and having to |
lolbntl - laugh out loud but not too loud
Thanks for the laugh.