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| | The issue with online dating Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | i think.....and this is just me.. that it is the nature of online dating compared to offline dating where problems arise and people often find themselves jaded or get the feeling that they are meeting A-holes. in offline it is completely acceptable to meet someone talk for a few min exchange numbers and meet up later for a first date and spend that time getting to know one another and finding out what there is that you have and don't have in common. it usually is a nervous and exciting thing. but with online, things tend to happen in reverse. people want to talk and talk and get to know one another for weeks and sometimes months before ever going on a first date. now the issue that comes up is that the first date is not really a first date. there is no getting to know one another you already do. so the first date is simply like meeting up with a person that you have been dating for a while and end up just going through the motions of either asking questions you already know the answer to or longs pauses and awkward silence. in online sex comes faster due to the fact that there is no courting, it is replaced by endless correspondences back and forth behind a digital screen. the first meeting leads to a level of comfort where both sides fall into the trap, where one side feels like they should have sex because we have been talking and talking for so long and we hit it off in person what are we waiting for? and then you dont and then frustration sets in because even though its the first meeting it feels that you are in a type of relationship that is going no where. while the other side wants to take things slow and move at a pace that would be more suited to offline dating.
the other problem with online dating is that it kind of forces you to talk to many many people at once. where in offline if i meet someone ask for there number and talk to them and try to set up a date i should immediately stop going after others. where in online it forces you to well be a player, and try to talk to as many as possible. the reason men dont get messages first. they send out lots of messages and hope that a few reply so then what ends up happen is you have a date system where it has forced people to have multiple relationships going on a once and in turn the person you are trying to talk to kind of just ends up a number instead of a serious love interest.
i find that the longer you are on a dating website the more ass holes you meet and jaded you become. and it ends up not being a dating site at all but just a social networking site for sex.
i always felt that dating sites should work as such. looking around through profiles find someone that sparks your interest see if they would be interested in going out on a date and see if it works out. use the online as a meeting place like a club, and keep the courting to offline activities. | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/18/2012 11:00:55 AM |
i always felt that dating sites should work as such. looking around through profiles find someone that sparks your interest see if they would be interested in going out on a date and see if it works out. use the online as a meeting place like a club, and keep the courting to offline activities.
That's how it's always worked with me. If I didn't go out with someone within, like, a week of the first contact, I just didn't bother. | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/18/2012 11:22:04 AM | The trick for me has always been...meet from pof, and then stop all communication through the site. Act as if you met anywhere else.
This is just supposed to be a tool to expose us to people we dont meet day to day. It shouldnt mean you operate any differently dating, once you meet them in person.
If a man Im chatting with prefers to chat endlessly on here (or anywhere but in real life) I know he is not a good match for me, as I want to live life away from the pc, not stuck to it forever. | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/18/2012 11:28:53 AM | | I agree with you. That scenario is what happened to me on my first attempt at online dating and it ended in tears. Learned alot - the hard way. | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/18/2012 11:44:48 AM | I think you are probably right OP.
But the main thing I keep seeing as a problem with online versus offline relating, is that so many people think that humans online, are magically different from humans offline. That offline people are more honest, or that online people have uniquely different agendas, or that you CAN get to know someone better through emails than you can by other more direct means of communication. That they have to behave differently themselves, because they met someone online (i.e. that the imaginary "rules" of dating are different somehow).
It is true that one has to recognize things such as that in person, you can see who you are talking to, while online you have to hope the picture you are looking at is them, as they are now. But aside from that sort of thing, what most folks need to realize is that people are just as good or bad online, as they are offline, if you take them as individuals. | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:57:26 PM | OP
These are all BS issues that you have created in your own mind. You are choosing to spend tons of time in online communication and you are the one choosing when you have sex, etc.. Finally, if you are talking to a ton of women online and feeling like a "player" it is your choice to talk to them. In the end, we all have control over our own actions.
1) You know what I do? I treat online dating like real life dating in the sense that all I am doing is making an introduction. If I get a response to an email and I like what I read, I reply and ask for her number. If she doesn't give it to me, I wish her luck and move on. I could care less if it doesn't go anywhere because I don't know her. It is pictures and words on a screen. Now if a woman does give it to me, I respond back and provide mine because I personally don't pick up calls from numbers I don't recognize and it shows sincerity on my part. I then talk to her for 10-15 minutes tops just to see if there is any initial chemistry/rapport. Then if there is, I set the meet for later in the week or the beginning of the following week. Then a few days prior, I will shoot her a short email to confirm and when she responds, we banter a bit through a few short emails to build comfort before the meet. However, in total, I am barely speaking to her at all before meeting in person.
2) I deal with one woman at a time. I don't care if it is just a few emails, if it ends at the initial phone call, or if I only go out with her once on the meet. She is the only one I am dealing with. Could I be trying to date multiple women? Sure. I even tried my hand at it awhile back. There was one point where I was starting the process w/ 5 different women because I got impatient and wanted to have options. However, in the end it felt like I was on the Bachelor. It was way too stressful trying to remember so many details about each woman. Not to mention feeling chemistry with multiple women and having to let one go in favor of someone else. So now I send out one email to a woman. I give it 3-4 days. If I don't hear anything, I send out another one, and so on. Guys think that they have to turn it into some numbers game where they are emailing and copying/pasting as many women as possible. However, I am busy and I like to take my time. Each email I send is genuine, sincere, and has humor/personality. It actually works better in the long run.
3) Finally, life is too short to put yourself in bad situations. If I have a first meet and I am just not feeling it, I call it early. I don't make myself sit through the whole 1-2 hours. You can usually tell 20-30 minutes in if there is chemistry. If there isn't, I just be honest and say "I have got to be honest with you. I am not feeling it, and you are not feeling it. So instead of us wasting each other's time, let's just call it a night and part on good terms." Then we shake hands and leave. | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/18/2012 1:03:11 PM | Agree,
Girls want to know a lot of your life story before arranging a date, what do you talk about on 1st date?
If it gets there, as they have so much choice many will look for Mr Right first, believing people are genuine online.
No, there are not 300,000 lovely stockbrokers in London. | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/18/2012 1:18:00 PM | lago,
You are setting way too much value on a woman you have never even spent any time with to invest that much time talking with them through email. Remember, your goal with all of this is to meet in person. Not to make a pen pal, not to develop an online relationship, or waste your time being an ego boost for a woman who has no intention of ever meeting. Send a genuine first email. If you hear back and like what you read, ask for their number. If you get it, call them, see if there is any initial chemistry and set the meet. If you don't get the number, wish them luck in their search and move on. It is as simple as that. | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/18/2012 1:34:09 PM | | Sounds better, but more likely to work in the U.S where I've heard getting a number is less like getting blood from a stone :) | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/18/2012 1:58:50 PM | i find that the longer you are on a dating website the more ass holes you meet and jaded you become. and it ends up not being a dating site at all but just a social networking site for sex.
Bingo, you are right on the money. I've read a few articles stating pof and its forums are full of swingers looking for fresh meat. And the whole concept of online dating IMO is azz backward. It's supposed to be attraction first and then you get to know them.
But all in all its good for one group, those not ready to date yet, just putting their toes back in the water while still healing from their last relationship, looking around so to speak. And hopefully not getting too traumatized by the swingers/players. | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/18/2012 1:59:50 PM | OP ... EXACTLY!
You win the prize, as you have figured out what an online dating site really is.
It's backwards, and does promote a social network for sex.
I am with femaleconnection ...
This is just supposed to be a tool to expose us to people we dont meet day to day. It shouldnt mean you operate any differently dating, once you meet them in person.
That is how I operate. | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/18/2012 7:05:10 PM | My experience is many men think emails and telephone conversations are FOREPLAY. They expect sex during the first date. The relationship begins when we meet, not before.
where in online it forces you to well be a player, and try to talk to as many as possible.
Nothing "forces" you to to be a player. You make choices. You CHOOSE to talk to many women at once, to send out lots of messages, and to have multiple relationships going at once.
... you have a date system where it has forced people to have multiple relationships going on a once and in turn the person you are trying to talk to kind of just ends up a number instead of a serious love interest.
You CHOOSE to treat women like a number instead of a serious love interest. | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/19/2012 12:51:59 AM | I have also I was going about it all wrong. But I don't like constantly having first dates. So it end up I have no dates because I get so tired of talking on comp lol. Even when much younger I just didn't like dating & meeting many new people. So now I either change & meet right away or talk.& talk & drift away. It was worse on a different web site. I'd end up talking to so many guys I'd get frustrated & just not meet any either. Lol. I also don't contact first. So I just sit back & see who contacts me so I end up w guys I don't really want to meet. I have quite a bit of changing the way I was when I was a few years ago if im serious. The forums do help. Im not quite ready. Procrastinate much? Haha
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/19/2012 4:51:09 AM | in offline it is completely acceptable to meet someone talk for a few min exchange numbers and meet up later for a first date
Is it really? On what planet are strangers giving each other their phone numbers and setting up dates "after a few minutes"? Please tell me so that I can avoid that corner of the universe, because god forbid i should shake hands with one of them and end up with herpes or impetigo.
people want to talk and talk and get to know one another for weeks and sometimes months before ever going on a first date. now the issue that comes up is that the first date is not really a first date. there is no getting to know one another you already do. so the first date is simply like meeting up with a person that you have been dating for a while and end up just going through the motions of either asking questions you already know the answer to or longs pauses and awkward silence
If you run out of things to talk about, you were going to run out of things to talk about anyway. Sometimes the rapport you think you've established by email just doesn't transfer to the phone and/or meeting face-to-face. Not a big deal. C'est la vie.
the other problem with online dating is that it kind of forces you to talk to many many people at once.
not getting how that's supposed to work. nobody is forced to do anything online. either you are interested in having a conversation with someone, or you exist somewhere along the broader spectrum of becoming bored, slightly bored, or absolutely brain dead zombie bored.
i find that the longer you are on a dating website the more ass holes you meet and jaded you become.
you just invalidated your own point about people spending too much time talking online. if there are so many ass holes online, don't you think it's important to take the time to weed them out before meeting? becoming jaded is a choice. why would i let ass holes influence my day-to-day attitude? if i'm gonna twist in wind like that, i'd think i'd be smart enough to at least put myself in the path of the kinds of people who can "make me" feel better instead of worse.
and it ends up not being a dating site at all but just a social networking site for sex.
there is that aspect of the thing, but those people are amazingly easy to weed out... whether you actually wanted them or whether you merely wanted to avoid them like the plague. anyway, going back to your earlier point about how acceptable and exciting it is to exchange numbers and date after a few minutes of bumping into someone in real life, NONE OF THAT would ever happen unless both people thought sex was a realistic end result. so i'm not sure why you feel like you had to make some useless point about "social networking for sex". | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/19/2012 5:10:05 AM | What I've found is that most of the men I hit it off with in email make really great pen pals... but nothing more.
Written communication is probably the LEAST important in real life relationships, yet the determining factor when using online profiles and email to try and get to know someone. | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/19/2012 5:14:06 AM |
Is it really? On what planet are strangers giving each other their phone numbers and setting up dates "after a few minutes"? Please tell me so that I can avoid that corner of the universe, because god forbid i should shake hands with one of them and end up with herpes or impetigo.
The planet where attractive, well adjusted people meet each other while out, have a conversation, and decide to go out on a casual date from there to see if any romantic sparks fly? What the **** does that have to do with herpes?
Reading this thread - the problem seems to be universal. It's not online dating, it's that a subset of the people that do it are incredibly BAD at at. | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/19/2012 5:15:51 AM | The planet where attractive, well adjusted people meet each other while out, have a conversation, and decide to go out on a casual date from there to see if any romantic sparks fly?
OH like you mean in bars & stuff. Gotcha. Lots of really well-adjusted people in bars, fer sure.
What the **** does that have to do with herpes?
Do I have to spell out * e v e r y t h i n g * ?? You are obviously missing the all-important sarcasm and hyperbole genes. Sorry, you're beyond reach. Good luck trolling the bar scene though.
vvvvvvv "Ass holes on the internet are FORCING ME to be a player."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
so maybe you don't have the opportunity to have the situations that younger, metropolitan dwellers have to meet new people quite often.
gosh you are right, since i'm 52 and out in the boondocks, i can't possibly remember what it's like to be a 20-something living in a major metropolitan area. amazingly, i remember all that stuff despite the recreational drugs that were popular at the time. what does it have to do with online? nothing really. this place is just one more way to meet someone you probably wouldn't have bumped into during one's random face-to-facing. back to the op's point, the ass holes that are online are also out there, just waiting for YOU to bump into them.
hannibal lector. | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/19/2012 5:19:27 AM |
the other problem with online dating is that it kind of forces you to talk to many many people at once.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Yes, and forces you to be a player. Check.
People who come here and say "I have no problem meeting in real life, but online sucks" are commonly people who just got out of school or another situation where they were thrown in with many people of the same age.
Instead of comparing with the real world where you have to do it all yourself, they've got this in-between world where you do it mostly yourself, but they think it should be quick and easy like it used to be.
Just one more whine. Served before its time.
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/19/2012 5:29:24 AM | OH like you mean in bars in stuff. Gotcha.
No, I mean anywhere where people are out and about. In bars, yes, but also in group events, concerts, sporting events, exercise centers, classes, etc. Generally, if you're even moderately attractive, or don't come off weird or creepy, people will generally make small talk with you, and sometimes, at the end of it, you may even trade numbers! Amazing concept I know!
I looked at your profile, and you're older, and live out in the country in Indiana (which is quite dead as far as social situations go, even comparatively with somewhere like Indianapolis to other cities), so maybe you don't have the opportunity to have the situations that younger, metropolitan dwellers have to meet new people quite often. In that case, though, it would be wise not to make silly judgments based on a lack of experience and what you get from media or heresay (as shown by "bars" being the only thing you could come up with).
You are obviously missing the all-important sarcasm and hyperbole genes. Sorry, you're beyond reach. Good luck trolling the bar scene though.
It wasn't sarcasm, because sarcasm is predicated on a previous statement that is being responded to - which that wasn't. So, therefore, it must have been hyperbole, with the basis being an automatic jump to promiscuity. Which is highly judgmental and ignorant. Which is why I said, and still say, wtf.
Also, as a side note, why did you do a horrible MS Paint copy and paste of your head on someone else's body holding a fish in your profile? It -has- to be a joke, at least I hope so, but it doesn't align with anything else you've got on there. | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/19/2012 5:37:05 AM |
the other problem with online dating is that it kind of forces you to talk to many many people at once. where in offline if i meet someone ask for there number and talk to them and try to set up a date i should immediately stop going after others. where in online it forces you to well be a player, and try to talk to as many as possible.
It may force you to do that,but some of us actually only talk to one person at a time,hide our profiles while we are getting to know someone,see if it works out,if not,come back,unhide our profiles and see if anyone peeks our interest and go thru the stages again without leading anyone on or becoming a player.
i always felt that dating sites should work as such. looking around through profiles find someone that sparks your interest see if they would be interested in going out on a date and see if it works out. use the online as a meeting place like a club, and keep the courting to offline activities.
That's how they work for some of us.
You can choose to blame online dating for your dating methods,or you can own your choices to look for others while you are 'engaged' with someone.
i find that the longer you are on a dating website the more ass holes you meet and jaded you become. and it ends up not being a dating site at all but just a social networking site for sex.
Or is it the other way around.Men don't tend to look at DATING sites as anything but a social networking site for sex and that leaves them to look like ass holes and women become jaded.
The second I found my match here,I hid my profile and focused on him and I.As did he.Sure,there may be someone
"better" for both of us,but we chose to make it exclusive and monogamous and that just mean's we wanted the same thing and stick with the program.
I stay here for the forums only knowing full well,there are thousands of men(errr a few men) here I could date if I wanted to be a player.So what about the other men!!!
I found one that loves me and whom I love.
End of story.
If you don't want to be a player,and juggle women,don't. | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/19/2012 8:39:30 AM | If I had a dollar for every single guy who's messaged me with "I'm not looking for sex, I want a real relationship" and then 3 messages in asking me to send a naked picture so he can "finish the job, while thinking about me" um, I'm sorry, that's tasteless. I mean when guys tell us that, what are we supposed to say ? "Um, thank you for being a perv, and thinking about me at the same time?"
The art of courting is LONG GONE. You don't see or hear about it anymore. The ONLY time I've ever heard it was when my Grandmother was telling us grandchildren about how my Grandfather used to court her. You know, back when men knew what being a GENTLEMAN was all about. Now days you got these no good, no job having, sex crazed, maniacs who think it's perfectly okay to disrespect a woman by asking her to pose naked within a hour of knowing her. Now this is not a reply to bash men, because I know we women can be just as scandalous, but I don't date women so this is all I have to go by.
If everyone would just say what they mean, and mean what they say, these dating sites would be amazing for us single people. But as of now, I've pretty much lost all hope in finding anyone soon. I'm praying to God that I'm wrong. | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/19/2012 8:53:54 AM | I keep saying it... Dating websites are a business. People made these sites to make money, not get you a date.
The entire point of your profile is to already know everything that commonly comes with first date conversation. They push the idea of emailing back and forth for a while so that when you meet you have nothing left to talk about. Dating websites are designed to keep you single.
Have you ever stopped to wonder why you can pay for 6 months at a time on these sites?
It's a business centered around taking advantage of people who don't know how to make that move, or people who just shouldn't be dating anyone, at all, ever... There was a point in time where sites like this were a great tool to help meet people, but over time, as bad experiences add up, you end up getting something like what we have now.
You also have to realize that most of the people on these sites have a HUGE reason that they're here. Seriously, do you really think that girl that looks like a supermodel really has trouble being approached by guys offline? Besides the few actual reasons that don't involve someone's personality (work hours, taking care of a kid, etc.), odds are, that gorgeous woman on this site is a terrible person, and that's why she's been on this site for years. No guy wants anything more than sex after actually talking to her.
The problem with these sites is that people assume that it's the only way dating works now. It's not. People still meet offline, people still end up dating someone that they randomly saw on the bus. People still meet in bars... We're the social rejects of the world. It's harsh, but it's the truth. And the worst thing you can do is assume that this is the only way to meet someone.
The first step to making these sites actually work for us that are on them, is for everyone to man up and accept the reason that they're on here. You have flaws, either social, physical, or emotional. If you were perfect, you'd never need this site. Accept what's wrong with you and you'll be able to accept what's wrong with other people. And suddenly, the site might become a better place, and the questions about sex and everything might die down a lot. Even your biggest perv, who only uses women, would like the idea of a relationship at least for the steady sex. I'm willing to bet it's the fact that so many people won't even see what they have to say is the reason that so many of them are at the point of only looking for sex. You can only be completely ignored so many times before you give up. | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/19/2012 8:57:41 AM |
but with online, things tend to happen in reverse. people want to talk and talk and get to know one another for weeks and sometimes months before ever going on a first date.
Not me !
IMO this is the WRONG way to do online dating.
The right way is to meet asap , not because you're desperate ( as the ignorant like to chirp ), but because you don't want to waste TIME ! | |
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| The issue with online dating
Posted: 7/19/2012 9:08:50 AM |
The first step to making these sites actually work for us that are on them, is for everyone to man up and accept the reason that they're on here. You have flaws, either social, physical, or emotional. If you were perfect, you'd never need this site.
That's not true at all. People are self - projecting their own experiences and applying it to the whole, as usual.
First of all, "people who post on dating site forums" are a self selected group. It's filled with a good percentage of the most bitter people (who are angry enough to find a soapbox to complain, thus the forums) and the people that have been on the site the longest (it normally takes time to stumble across the forums). There's a percentage of people who come on just to screw around, or because they're bored at work, yes, but the majority would be some of the people who are the absolute WORST at dating sites.
So, in a self selected group of the most bitter and the most desperate, yes, there will be a lot of non-sterling examples of people on the forums who have huge glaring flaws. Even in reading any thread, this highest percentage of posters are a mix of, unable to form a coherent thought, too stupid to read the thread before they post, hugely ignorant of how the world works outside of their bubble, or unable to comprehend what other people write - and you know those things would be self evident in dating them, as well. There's no wonder why they're single.
But that doesn't account for the thousands who sign up for a month out of curiosity, because they haven't been meeting new people in their area recently, because they're busy, etc. that meet someone within the month, and don't come back (unless it doesn't work out in the long run). Or the people who sign up, don't find anything after a while, then quit. Or all the women that are on dating sites for a week; get a billion messages from creepy guys, and are scared off.
Online dating is mainstream enough now, where all different types of people from different walks of life are on various sites. Some self select for certain types more than others - but it's not the "refuge for people with issues" any more at all. | |
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