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| | Six Months Later Page 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | I apologize in advance for my poor grammar and spelling..
My girlfriend of 9yrs ended our relationship out of the blue the day before valentine's day. Nothing leading up to the day she left indicated there was a problem in our relationship. I know a lot of people are going to think that she walked out b.c she was tired of waiting around for a ring but we had many talks leading up to that day about getting married and the day was coming sooner then later. The explanation she gave me for her decision was that she has not loved me for months or longer and felt it was the best time to walk away from the relationship. She felt that we had grown apart over the year and didn't share any of the same interest's. Her examples were comical to say the least. I was crushed took me almost three months to get over the fact she wanted nothing to do with me. I have never seen this part of her before in all the years i have known her she was just cold hearted and was very clear she wanted nothing to do with me.
Six months later she calls crying on how she made the worst mistake of her life and now she wants me back. Now I'm a very loyal also stubborn person so I just can't get over the fact that you can just walk out on someone like she did. I also at times have no problems at biting my nose to spite my face. So even if i really wanted to get back with her I wouldn't just on principle alone. I really have found out over the years I have no problem cutting someone out of my life with out a blink of an eye.
Yet I'm hurting just thinking about how upset she is. I feel bad for her because she is financially struggling and doesn't have any family support at all. It really upsets me knowing she is going through the same thing I was just six months ago even though six months I couldn't wait for this day so she could get a taste of her own medicine. It turns out that's not the case. Deep down I'm hurting just thinking about the pain she is feeling right now but I have no intentions on taking her back. I guess I'm just confused b.c I also question why she wants me back. Not sure why I made this post or what I'm trying to get out of it just felt the need to get it out of my head.. Do people genuinely fall back in love with someone? | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 8:43:42 PM |
I also question why she wants me back.
Stab in the dark here, but I speak from experience.
The guy she left you for dumped her. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 8:43:45 PM | | Certainly she has other friends other than you? Even if she doesn't, not your problem. If someone breaks up with me, not just walks out in anger, but actually says we are done, it is over, I NEVER take them back. Not out of principle but because I found they will do it again, because they think they can. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 8:52:45 PM | Sorry, I don't think it's a coincidence her struggling is coinciding with her sudden need to get back with you.
The reasons you're feeling sorry for her is because 1) She was a big chunk of your life 2)Need of closure 3)You're not a heartless person.
Getting up and walking out on a six relationship just because she wasn't feeling it anymore is not a rash decision. This was something she thought through for awhile and decided not to give ya a heads up. Ice cold.
Don't let your soft spot for her, your wounded heart and empathy, cloud your judgement. She made her bed and was happy lying in it until it was no longer comfortable. Too bad.
She didn't care about your hardships, so I'm not sure why you would care about hers. But, if you do; my opinion would be supportive if you so chose to be... only as a "friend" if you will. Ask her straight out, what is it she expects you to do? Give her some money, find her a new place to live, be a sound board? Extend your branch only slightly for this girl. I personally wouldn't even have spoken to her... but if you do decide to be there, be so very little.
For your sanity and well being, just don't take her back. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 8:52:46 PM | Here's my opinion - you have absolutely made the right decision not taking her back. I personally do not think people "fall back in love with someone".
Apart from anything else - and you know her better than anyone else - harsh as it may sound, does the fact that she's financially struggling possibly have anything to do with this???
You're only 29 - move on with your life and don't look back.
Best of luck. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 9:06:41 PM | IMO She did believe she had lost those feelings for you.
She dated other guys...maybe even slept with one or two. But each time she would think of you but, like you, she is stubborn and made the decision that she was going to live her life without you.
Months go by, she behaves, has no contact with you, won't even text or call you back because she is trying to move on...move forward into....nowhere....all she does is think of you.
She gave it a good 6 months and failed at her attempt at freeing her heart from you...it didn't work because she is honestly and truly in love with one man and one man only.....you.
Now comes the part where she has to tell you.....good grief this had to be hard....to admit she made the wrong choice. ...not just that but to own up to the pain she caused you.
Believe me, it would have been easier just to walk away and find someone else. ...to keep trying to find what she had with you...but she knew she couldn't because no matter what happens he is not....YOU.
It is brave move. She knows how easy you could tell her no. She was/is willing to take the chance because to her, if she didn't tell you the truth, she would think for the rest of her life...what if?
Love is no easy world to live in...sometimes you have to actually work at making it work and @ acknowleding mistakes....well, some of those times can be pretty tough. But in the end, if you make it right with one another...it will and can be worth it. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 9:10:42 PM | | OP I think you made the right choice in not accepting her back right away. She did it once, she could do it again. If she wants your love agian, she's going to have to EARN it... and maybe she can't earn it back, but you should at least be open to the possibility. Nine years is a long time, but there was a reason she ended it. Perhaps she found that the grass was not as green on the other side as she thought. Perhaps she really did think she didn't love you, found sometime to find herself, and now realizes that she loves you and is only capable of loving you. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 9:11:20 PM | | Why on earth would you waste 9 years on a person? Maybe she actually wants to have some kids and doesn't want to run out of time. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 9:52:55 PM | Tell her you are going to think about it for 6 months and it the meantime she is not to contact you.
You're probably still not over her but getting involved again certainly isn't going to speed that up. If you deserve better, give yourself some more time. She can get whatever she needs from someone else. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 9:56:48 PM | | your empathetic to say the least, i dont doubt yall love eachother, i suggest counseling | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 10:47:22 PM | quote - I feel bad for her because she is financially struggling and doesn't have any family support at all. It really upsets me knowing she is going through the same thing I was just six months ago
So she didn't care - the better man didn't want to wallet her up as she clearly expects and now she calls " crying, wanting you back, broke and struggling, leaving you the biggest mistake of her life ".
She does not want you, she is a user on cash seek again- walk away! | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 11:07:29 PM | | walk away man. like some other posters have mentioned, either the guy she left you to be with dumped her, or shes in need of financial assistance. she appears very sincere now because shes emotionally distraught over the problems in her life and probably sees you as a way out. remember how she was when she walked out on you? thats exactly how she will be again once shes through with you. do NOT reward her crappy behavior by taking her back. find someone else. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/18/2012 11:51:56 PM | Nine years IS a long time. Especially at your younger age - it was a big chunk of your life. Do you know if she left you because she had another guy in the background? In order to better figure out the next step, it`s crucial for you to know the true motives for her leaving & sudden change of personality. What you two should really do is go for some counseling TOGETHER, so that a trained volunteer or professional can mediate & guide the two of you in communicating.
If there really is something worth salvaging, it would be a terrible shame to see it go to waste. You're not going to get any younger, & before you know it you're older & your pool of eligible mates is a lot smaller, & they will come with some baggage. - ex's, kids, financial stuff, etc... You can get counseling for cheap if you go to a non-profit agency that has a volunteer counselor program where the volunteers are trained in COUPLES or RELATIONSHIP counseling. Or, if you can afford it, see a professional counselor, but they`re not cheap. And if she`s broke, are you going to pay for it all? If your employer has an Employee Assistance Plan, counselling may be covered. You simpy find out who the agency is that your employer contracts with for that type of service, & then you deal directly with that agency.
I’m certainly no expert on all this, but I do have some background in the field of social services. Speaking from an academic point, it's common for long term couples to have their ups & downs & fall in & out of "love", or at least romantic love. That's not the kind of love that glues your relationship together long term anyway. There are stages to a relationship, & you two are definitely experiencing the conflict stage, or at least SHE was, but she didn't try & talk about it or work it through.
Go online or to a bookstore or library, & you'll find a brief summary of the five stages of relationship: Romance stage, Conflict stage, Stability stage, Commitment stage, Co-creation stage. There's no set time frame for these of course, & you can ping pong between them sometimes instead of it being linear. A lot of couples don't make it past the Conflict stage.
Don't do all this "because you're feeling bad for her". That's the wrong reason. You have to do it because you think the relationship might be worth salvaging. But like I said, in order to come to that conclusion, you probably have to know what was really going on there - why did she leave? What was she thinking? Was there another guy? Or was she naive about the stages of relationship & simply thought it must be over?
Did you guys typically try & talk through tough stuff? Or were issues avoided? And what was YOUR part in it? A counselor is not going to take sides. Both of you had some part in creating what happened, so what was your part in it that maybe could have been avoided? It certainly sounds like there should have been more warning signs or alarm bells before it came to her leaving. Even if you go for counseling & end up not re-uniting, I guarantee you’ll learn some things about yourself, some self-awareness about stuff that may prevent this from repeating in another relationship. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 12:04:41 AM | | Well, if you didn't marry her or have kids after almost a decade, I don't blame her for trying to let go of a relationship that was probably more like friends and going nowhere anyways. In all honesty you two would be going nowhere anyways if she had never left in the first place. Don't take her back. You will resent her eventually, and again waste her time and yours, and she will always be on the look out for someone that wants more from her. You're each others comfort zone and probably lacking in the communication department about big issues. My guess is, you will take her back, nothing happens- You are still the same people you were before it happened, but now there will be resentment. Going back to an ex wastes time usually, unless you start talking facts. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 12:15:39 AM | It is possible to "fall back in love" absence make the heart grow fonder, or so they say. However, to the original poster, I would say; UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU GET BACK WITH THIS PERSON!!! I cannot stress that enough. It ended for a reason, what's past is past, and she put you through what sounds like hell! For no reason should you have any sympathy for her whatsoever!
Sorry if that seemed like ranting, but I have been hurt in a very similar way in years past, and have an affinity for seeing karma do it's work now. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 12:58:46 AM |
My girlfriend of 9yrs ended our relationship out of the blue the day before valentine's day. Nothing leading up to the day she left indicated there was a problem in our relationship.
Either she's damned good at keeping things to herself, you missed some vital communications from her, or (I suspect) both. Whichever, after 9 years together, you still couldn't communicate. If you can't communicate your feelings to each other, or listen to and understand each other, your relationship was not going to survive happily and healthily.
I have never seen this part of her before in all the years i have known her she was just cold hearted and was very clear she wanted nothing to do with me.
I really have found out over the years I have no problem cutting someone out of my life with out a blink of an eye.
So, you're shocked that she behaved in a way that you can?
Do you see what I mean about communication?
You've communicated the same thing twice (you can both cut someone out of your lives), but you've attributed her behaviour to coldness, yours to deep pain and stubbornness.
If, that's IF, you were to get back together you both need to warm up a bit and trust each other with each other's feelings, even the negative ones. Happen she went off with someone else and it didn't work out, happen she felt trapped by being in a relationship with you for so long from such a young age, happen it was something else entirely, but had she discussed some of her feelings and had you been receptive to her needs (and vice versa) maybe you would have not come to this point.
If you were to get back together, I suggest you both start back at square one and date again, setting a time, like a year at least, that you will not live together again. If she's just looking for the cushy life, she probably won't accept that. If she really wants you and only you, she'll be prepared to work at your relationship. A year, or more would give you both the opportunity to work on your communication skills, without the environmental set up that will allow you both to just slip back into your old patterns of behaviour and end up in this position again. Remember, you're probably both different to how you were a decade ago and maybe you need room to that out as individuals.
I also think, if you were to start a new relationship, you need to be mindful of communication, before history repeats itself. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 3:09:26 AM | OP..
You say she just up and walked out, having no feelings for you.
There were signs of trouble, but I am sure, like all humans, you were complacent in your feelings/surroundings, and didn't see them.
You say you have no problem cutting people out of our life.
Wanna bet? You're here, you posted this. You even said you were emotionally hurt. Now..here you are, typing a very confusing post.
You went through the gauntlet of emotions when she left.
Did you attempt to contact her to work things out...or did you two just split and that was that?
Now..she contacts you, ironically at the same time she is struggling financially. Hmm..
You two were together for a long time..what do you want to do?
I suggest counseling.
IF you two want to get together..go see someone who will tell both of you what the real deal is. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 3:34:13 AM | I come from the idea that you never fall out of "real" love. You will always love them no matter what....
That doesn't mean to say that you have to be a doormat. Learn from the relationship. After I divorced, I had no contact with my ex for 8 months. When I wanted closure and to return the last boxes of things of his and his daughters, I tried to drop them off at the daughter's house but she had moved and the last thought was to call my ex and see if he wanted them. In that time, he had also moved 2 hours away but wanted the stuff. He came by a week later and we have been best friends every since then.
Just because they cheat, lie or are financially inept does not mean you shouldn't still love them. It just means you can't always believe what they say and do...but isn't that what friendship and love is all about....it being unconditional...but not stupid. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 4:11:25 AM | As soon as you said she chose the day before Valentines day to announce the breakup, my first thought was "She wanted to announce to the New Guy who she's been after for a while, that she is now free and clear for him, ON Valentines day."
So my experiences have been like Womac's: the reason I have had women behave exactly as that one did, including the sudden cold superiority, the apparent claim of all sorts of previously unmentioned problems, and the later return, only now admitting all this emotional suffering, has been that her White Knight turned out to have been a scam artist.
Yeah, it could be that she really did think that a break up was good, and it only caused her to realize that she loves you, but I've NEVER seen that actually happens, so I tend to doubt it. Much more common, is that she went for a brass ring, fell off the merry-go-round, and wants to go back to where she felt safe again. That's not love, that's using you to hide from the big bad real world.
What I do NOT doubt, is that she already knows you so well after all these years, and that she knows that the best way to "play" you for what she wants, is to be the wounded heart in need of emotional rescue.
Oh, and I think you are correct, that no one who actually love someone for nine years, could go cold overnight. But that is simply explained, by the fact that ANYONE can pretend to be cold hearted in an instant, and it's a common method used both to make things easier on themselves emotionally, and to facilitate a shorter break-up scene. Meaningless. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 4:23:20 AM | | ^^True. I also thought the same thing when I read "left one day before Valentine's Day". That's a bit sus. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 4:33:06 AM |
she went for a brass ring, fell off the merry-go-round, and wants to go back to where she felt safe again. That's not love, that's using you to hide from the big bad real world.
This is a very good description of what I think happened as well.
Don't get hung up on trying to figure out her mindset. Concentrate only on your own life and how you've been trying to move on -- and keep doing just that. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 6:26:13 AM |
Yet I'm hurting just thinking about how upset she is. I feel bad for her because she is financially struggling and doesn't have any family support at all. It really upsets me knowing she is going through the same thing I was just six months ago even though six months
Stop this type of thinking. Stop trying to now trying to rescue her.
The reality of your split has something to do with your lack of communication. So when the emotional switch went off, neither of you was willing to say to the other, Hey I need this. Instead you two sunk deeper and deeper into a sense of emptiness.
Your ex has now experienced the feeling of "missing" someone. The realization that all she did was spin her mind into resentment for something that she didn't even discussed with you to try to figure out how to fix it. Now, perhaps she has been dumped, or has been in other relationships that have allowed her to value you.
But the reality is this. It's too late. Whatever didn't work in the past, will lurk into the relationship again, and it will Zap the energy out of it again.
So do not get back together. Do not try to fix her problems and pretend to be a rescuer. Move on. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 7:20:33 AM | She did make a huge mistake, you two were together since you were teenagers yet no kids, no wedding etc. sure you talked about it but you as the man were obviously holding off for some reason. What was it?
Now she is realising that either you were the only man for her, or that it is going to take her years to find another man to connect with. She is lonely, scared and probably fears missing out on having a family. | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 9:17:13 AM | First love?
Sh!t happens.
She made an error and wants to rectify it.
Maybe it's worth forgiving .... | |
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| Six Months Later
Posted: 7/19/2012 9:52:04 AM | | Well said Igor, I think you hit the nail on the head | |
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