| | Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!Page 1 of 8 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8) | Having been on POF now for three years and having met all kinds of people with all kinds of agenda, pursing some that are out of reach, and shying away from some that are TOO reachable I have come to a point of balance.
But first let me back track a bit. During a 3 year separation I had a hard time finding my balance in trying to make friends and build a dating life in pursuit of having someone special in my life. However at the time being separated it was an ugly thing to many. Time after time after time I would have to tell my story and in the end they would leave the encounter feeling that they were misled. After time I just plain stated that I was in a separation status. Though those of higher caliper passed me by, (some politely, some not so much) it did act as a screeing agent. I did get some interest, though not a lot, and made a few friends. The point here being that honesty had saved me countless hours of explaination and frustration. And most of all created a reputation as honest.
Fast forward. I am now finally divorced and the major debacale and all of it's drama is in the rear view mirror. The disclaimer is no longer needed and gone. Interests have increased dramatically, and I still hold on to the honesty mindset. This mindset goes deeper than just a profile. It goes to the steps after the meeting. The goals, the deal breakers, the intentions. Always keep an interested person in the loop with what you are thinking and what you are hoping. There is nothing worse than wasted time.
Robert | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/20/2012 9:33:08 PM |
There is nothing worse than wasted time.
Do you mean if I divorce & give up my medical benes, I will get dumped by men more often???
I'd rather remain seperated & just have fun! | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/20/2012 9:37:29 PM | @ Blone_Angel,
I understand that. This can be complex. But I have noticed that the majority of women are "looking for a relationship" and the majority of men at "wanting no commitment". If the women seek a man for a relationship the status of separated is fearful and creates resistance. Therefore a separated guy has less results. However a guy that is seeking cares to a lesser extent if a lady is separated or divorced than a lady does a man. Therefore you being a lady can "have fun" more easily than a man can. However it is still relevent. Your options will be lesser. I would say if it's working for you, run with it. | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 5:59:50 AM | OP, I wouldn't be so quick to say men don't care if a woman is 'separated.' Every woman's profile that has said designation, I click 'next.'
At the very least, this person will not be legally available to pursue a relationship should it progress to that stage. Worst case scenarios, she would not be emotionally available or, quite possibly, could reunite with the 'ex.' One way or another, this is unfinished business and may strongly inhibit that person from being present in a new situation. Not a risk I'm willing to take at my age.
Incidentally, I had a preordained 'friendship only' meet with a woman last month. Her profile listed her as 'single,' when, in fact, she was 'separated.' Most likely because she might have thought 'separated' women don't get as much 'action' as single, and available, women do. Coupled with the two other lies and one half truth in her profile, this led to me to truly question, even in possible friendship, what her intent was. For all I know, she could have been very married and looking for something on the side. | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 7:17:02 AM | | Robert, your honesty is refreshing and much appreciated. I also dated when i was separated and was always careful to make it clear that I was separated. Better to stick with the truth and let the chips fall where they may, than to base a relationship starting out on a lie. Kudos to you! And good luck in your search. | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 7:22:22 AM | Time after time after time I would have to tell my story and in the end they would leave the encounter feeling that they were misled. After time I just plain stated that I was in a separation status.
What?
Why did you have to "have to tell your story"?
Did someone force you into that position, or did you bring it on yourself?
Why did people feel "misled"?
I think you are STILL being less than forthright and honest in your post.
Cut to the chase, FFS.
You appear to have started your post-separation "pursuit" of companionship by LYING about your marital status.
Did you claim divorced or single when you were NOT?
I find your post confusing. You are preaching to people that they should be honest about their status even if it eliminates some candidates.
Most inherently honest people know that already.
Why didn't you START your "quest" by being HONEST and why are you not being clear about the status you did claim, initially?
Maybe you are hoping it portrays you in a better light. I think you are a good candidate to search for integrity.
To me, you still sound confused. Good Luck! | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 7:47:32 AM | My Gosh man why in the heck was there a separation period for 3 years??? Too me thats a RED FLAG ....sounds like there are issues between you and the ex and no one wants to be in extra drama and yes, a 3 year spearation is drama...I hope you can see that, right??
If you were sick and tried of having to explain your situation why did you not change the situation??? | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 8:01:24 AM | | To some separated is no big deal but to me it means someone is still married, I dated a separated woman in the past and I will never do it again. I'm not saying all separated people will have issues because their are plenty of divorced people with issues. I believe honesty is the best solution. | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 8:13:27 AM |
most of the men I've met really don't care...but I could see how 4 a man it would be a detriment.
I was separated for about 4 years and I never had a man choose not to date me because I hadn't finalized my divorce.
Maybe it is different for a separated man, but it really shouldn't be...
Glad you were honest, OP. Very refreshing. I always was as well, and I agree that it's much easier than trying to explain away a deception later. | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 8:49:19 AM |
Janet_Always
I was separated for about 4 years and I never had a man choose not to date me because I hadn't finalized my divorce.
Maybe it is different for a separated man, but it really shouldn't be...
Coulda, woulda, shoulda -- none of those matter. The reality is that a status of separated makes things much more difficult for a man, but not for a woman. This has been discussed before, at great length, here in the forums. | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 8:50:03 AM | I'm not sure if i get what your saying.......but I'll take a stab at it.
I have gone on lots of first dates with me who are newly divorced and for some reason, they spill the beans too fast. I really don't want to know everything about their bad marraige, especially on a first meet or first date. Usually when that happens, I lose all interest in them.
Dating is supposed to be fun and a discovery period, not a time where you dump on the other person and say ok here's all my bad stuff, you tell me yours and let's go from there. Maybe develop a friendship/intimacy etc first and slowly, then start to slowly tell your story. | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 8:54:04 AM |
Maybe it is different for a separated man, but it really shouldn't be...
A lot of women including myself would not consider dating a separated man. Most men are not really looking for a commitment so they would not mind dating a separated woman.. Not the same for a lot of women so that is the reason..
nativerock | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 9:04:05 AM |
Most men are not really looking for a commitment so they would not mind dating a separated woman.. Not the same for a lot of women so that is the reason.
There are many different kinds of commitment... unless you specifically seek "marriage", I don't see where it applies.
And FYI, most men are in fact looking for a commitment.
The reputation of players and such are more rampant in the forums than in real life. | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 9:11:31 AM | the last "separated" man i went out with turned out to be married and looking for something on the side.
yes, i know that someone can lie about being divorced, too, but i think i'll take my chances... | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 9:17:22 AM |
There are many different kinds of commitment... unless you specifically seek "marriage", I don't see where it applies.
Well I think that could include living together as well since most women would not want to share space with a man that is still legally married. | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 10:00:40 AM | | DivineBovine, in my state once you have a guy's full name, you can check him out on the online court records. It's very helpful to weed out the unacceptables, whether they be not as divorced as they said they were, financially unsound or rampant scofflaws. Not sure you could get those kind of online records in your country/province, but it would be worth asking around. | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 10:05:17 AM | | After being stung 2 times by 'separated men', if I see 'separated' in their profile, I lose interest immediately. Also, if the man is separated and planning on getting a divorce, there is possibly still some drama he has to go through which I don't want to be a part of, then he has to have time to heal. I appreciate the honesty of men who say they are separated, it makes my decision easier. | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 10:34:53 AM | MSG 12: I'm not sure if i get what your saying.......but I'll take a stab at it.
Here ... I'll help translate:Having been on POF now for three years and having met all kinds of people with all kinds of agenda, pursing some that are out of reach, and shying away from some that are TOO reachable I have come to a point of balance.
Trust me, I have some realllly deep insight!
But first let me back track a bit. During a 3 year separation I had a hard time finding my balance in trying to make friends and build a dating life in pursuit of having someone special in my life. However at the time being separated it was an ugly thing to many. Time after time after time I would have to tell my story
After separating, I quickly found that most women eschewed (still) married men, so I lied. Then, I tried to rationalize my lies upon meeting!
and in the end they would leave the encounter feeling that they were misled. Boy, were they pissed! Being a liar is worse than being separated, I guess. 
After time I just plain stated that I was in a separation status. I got sick of being called a liar and accused of manipulation, so I succumbed to the "truth."
Though those of higher caliper passed me by, (some politely, some not so much) it did act as a screeing agent. At least some skanks date married/separated guys.
I did get some interest, though not a lot, and made a few friends. "Truth" be told, I wouldn't want to date a tramp who would go out with a separated guy on a long term basis, anyway. At least I could convince her we could be "friends" (WB). 
The point here being that honesty had saved me countless hours of explaination and frustration. And most of all created a reputation as honest. Let's face it, I still got laid, but I need to put my "rep" behind me ASAP, so I can get laid by "higher calibre" women.
Fast forward. I am now finally divorced and the major debacale and all of it's drama is in the rear view mirror. The disclaimer is no longer needed and gone. Now that I am truly divorced, I just thought I would billboard that fact to anyone in the hopes of getting some attention.
Interests have increased dramatically, and I still hold on to the honesty mindset. Trust me, I am quite the catch!
This mindset goes deeper than just a profile. Look, I even changed my username to quest4Integrity!
It goes to the steps after the meeting. The goals, the deal breakers, the intentions. Always keep an interested person in the loop with what you are thinking and what you are hoping. As long as it doesn't interfere with some image you are trying to project.
There is nothing worse than wasted time. Of course, I am referring to MY time. You know ... The time I wasted taking women out and being rejected by most of them when they found out I was a LIAR. Thank god I had some slvts to help me through the last 3 years. I hope that all this posturing and proseletyzing will help me meet a quality female!
I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT !!! (now that I am divorced, that is.)
Hope that helps!  | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 12:17:33 PM | Seriously, OP ... You started this thread out of the kindness of your heart to save some other souls from the pain and agony you endured when you were an active liar?
IMO, this thread reeks of self-promotion and is a transparent (and shameless) attempt at manipulation.
Just goes to show, when someone is a habitual manipulator, they are unlikely to change their "spots" (or tactics, in this case).
Pathetic. | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 2:33:41 PM | not possible in Canada, Judi. privacy laws here are pretty strict. in order to find out about someone's divorce, you need to know where they were divorced and the court case number, then go to the courthouse in question, pay the fee and get the paperwork. anyone is able to do that, but you do need the court case number. it's not online.
the only reason i know that now, is that i started working at the local courthouse about a month after the incident with that man last year.
of course, these days, if it was absolutely required, i guess i could bake cookies for the cops who do our security and get them to run checks for me!
which would probably cost me my job (and them theirs), so i think i'll pass... | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 8:36:00 PM | | Divine, it's too bad you can't get it online. It's a lot quicker and could prevent unnecessary meets with those who are lying and don't know you can find out the truth easily. | |
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| Separated vs Divorced: The truth will set you free!
Posted: 7/21/2012 9:40:15 PM | I don't think I'd date anyone separated but I'm sure I wouldn't bother to meet anyone online who is. Last summer I went out on a few dates with a very nice man who said he'd been separated for 3 years. I met him in person at a dance, not online. At the time I was also dating a man I loved but he didn't want to be in a relationship because he had just gotten divorced about the same week he met me. So I was trying to keep my options open. The separated guy wasn't interested in having sex until he was divorced and also he said he wasn't sure he wanted to date me since I was still seeing someone else. So now, the one who had been separated got divorced and the one who didn't want to be in a relationship went back to the first woman he dated after he first got separated. So, that's why I'm back on here trying to meet new men (well just one will be fine). I'm still hurt that the one who acted like he would be interested in me once he got divorced no longer wants to date me. We've been seeing each other once a week at a dance but pretty much nothing more.
I have heard of many cases where separated people got back together so that's the reason most women won't date a separated man. I would be angry at a man who didn't say here that he's separated. It's one thing to meet someone in person in the real world and then find out that about him. But here we should be able to have the facts before deciding to meet someone. Or as the joke goes when a man says he's separated he often means "I'm here at work and my wife is at home." | |
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