| | Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul matesPage 1 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | | This has probably been done before, but i have never seen it so apologies if it is redundant. I have heard in reading these boards and speaking to people that religious differences are a deal breaker for some people. Yet I find it very hard to believe that given how incredibly difficult it is to connect on a deep level with another human being, a person will allow a religious difference, even if they are deeply religious, to be a deal breaker . . especially with the person who is or might be the love of their life. Its not like we are all a different species from each other. Has anybody ever before allowed or been the victim of religious differeces coming between them and true love? | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/21/2012 3:00:12 PM | If you can conceive of it, and put it into words to ask, you will find at least one person for whom something has been a deal breaker.
I don't believe in "soul mates," and have always despised the concept (while I was growing up, it was among a number of fad ideas which people used to try to explain away all sorts of abuses of others), but I have seen that a ton of the folks who do believe in it, still allow almost anything to get in the way. This is why I am sure that the folks who use the term "soul mate" actually mean something entirely different than what the dictionary says it means.
What they usually appear to really mean is, that they themselves feel as though they can do exactly as they please, and get away with it, while feeling doped to the gills with all the "in love" brain chemicals. They might claim that a "soul mate" is magically determined and given to them as a gift because they are so special, but in reality, they expect the "gift" to be perfectly tailored to fit them, OR to be willing to change at the mere mention of a desire. If said adjustments fail to occur, the typical "soul mate" believer usually declares fraud, and sets out again to seek their REAL "soul mate." | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/21/2012 3:07:09 PM | | Igor, you usually make a lot of sense, but I am not following your soul mate argument. I was not trying to start a debate here. I am not talking about anything mystical. To me it is simple, deep love is very elusive. I mean the kind where you care about a person from the opposite sex so much that you become a part of them. That is rare. and when it happens, I consider those people "soul mates". That means nothing more than they really love each other alot. So the question I posed still stands, if it survives deletion that is. | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/21/2012 3:15:25 PM | I was trying to answer that question. More simply, I know that I have witnessed people declaring "soul mate" status, and then discovering a religious/philosophical divide, and thereafter discarding the "soul mate" tag. And I have only extremely rarely met who did not attach some sort of magical meaning to the term "soul mate." But perhaps you simply mean "extreme compatibility," when you say "soul mate." I've run into a few of those.
If, by your definition of Soul Mates, a religious difference is ipso facto impossible, then you have functionally asked a specious question. But my answer is still, that yes, I have seen religious differences be a deal breaker between people who were in all other ways, by your definition, soul mates. | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/21/2012 3:18:38 PM |
But perhaps you simply mean "extreme compatibility," when you say "soul mate." I've run into a few of those.
No, I mean what I said. DEEP LOVE.
If two people deeply love each other (happier?), then will they allow religious difference to come between them, and what advice would you offer to resolve those differences? | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/21/2012 3:20:19 PM | I think the main reason the difference in religion becomes a factor is when raising children. Suddenly, doing religion "their way" is all more important. Christening (or not) what church to attend, etc.
If you're past that stage, I don't think it would be an issue.
Most mature adults can appreciate someone's beliefs without feeling threatened by them.
edit to add: I'm not sure about the soul mate premise, but I'm assuming you mean they are deeply in love and have a connection beyond just the physical. | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/21/2012 3:24:52 PM | I might not be allowed to answer again so soon, but just in case:
I would say make up your mind. "Deal breaker" means they are done. Dunski. Over. No take-backs. If someone says "deal breaker," then my only response is to do the obvious: move on. Anything else would almost certainly require rudeness, or even criminal intrusiveness.
"DEEP LOVE" isn't a firmly defined term. As with "soul mate," I have known people for whom "deep love" meant the same pseudo-magical thing that "soul mate" did, as I already described. | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/21/2012 4:19:10 PM | Yes it a deal breaker because respect for intellect and sharing similar values are more important to me than the fantasy of soul mates who can surpass differences.
I don't even believe in soul mates and realationships are hard enough just staying true to yourself and your partner. How can one stay true to someone who they disagree with on a fundamental level?
btw I consider religious people naive, so much so they are like a different species to me and they in turn don't have much respect for me. Perfect, we'll stay out of each others way, NOT get together.
Find someone of the same ilk. Life is complicated enough. | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/21/2012 4:34:05 PM | I also don't believe in the myth of the "soul mate," which most people use to connote The One Person For Them. (Kind of a joke to those who are divorced, IMO.). I believe there are many potential acceptable partners for each of us.
Having said that, if you deeply love someone, then that means you accept them exactly as they are, including their religion and how deeply they believe in it. Otherwise it's not love, it's "like" or simply lust.
And I agree with DameRight: much easier to live with someone whose religion and views on religion are similar to your own, unless YOU intend to change. | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/21/2012 5:25:13 PM | Soul mate... its an interesting concept, and one I feel does exist, but to find that person is like finding a needle in a haystack. There is someone for every one, and once in a blue moon two people meet that are just made for each other on all levels. This being said, if you find your "soul mate" a different beleif wouldn't be a problem, only because with great love comes great respect. It is from this great respect that differences are looked at as part of the whole person you are in great love with.
Loving someone, means you love all of them. We don't get to pick and choose. There will be somethings we like better than others, but all in all acceptance is a large part of what love is about. | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/21/2012 6:08:37 PM |
If you're past that stage, I don't think it would be an issue.
no... it's still an issue.
Most mature adults can appreciate someone's beliefs without feeling threatened by them.
it's not a matter of being threatened - it's a matter of sharing values.
i don't believe in any god or religion or even "spirituality". for some reason, "christian" men who are looking for "god-fearing" women keep contacting me. i don't live by the tenets of any holy book, nor will i, and i won't go to any regular religious services.
if that's important to someone, i want nothing to do with him. | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/21/2012 6:20:38 PM | For some it is and for others it isn't. Much depends on the personalities of those involved. Black and white thinking and mental rigidity do not exactly promote an ability to 'meet in the middle'. For some that just isn't possible, find out early what you are dealing with!! Because trust me, you do NOT want to develop feelings for someone with whom flexibility or growth in this sphere is not possible.
Another factor is fear. Some belief systems seem to require that you step into a pre-determined/packaged box and any steps outside of this will beset you with torture, both present day as well as in the afterlife if you don't fall in line the way your partner expects you to. Again, determine what you are dealing with before you get in too deep.
Another factor is respect. Some people whose views differ from yours feel that they have license to mock or ridicule you.. as though they are somehow superior. Which obviously doesn't promote a sense of warmth or closeness. Nor a feeling of acceptance.. which is important in any loving relationship.
That said, Imo having similar beliefs illustrates mental compatibility, but does not imply or guarantee compatibility in other areas. Just as NOT having similar beliefs does not mean you necessarily lack compatibility in other areas. Dr. Phil has an 80-20% concept that makes sense to me. If you have 80% compatibility, unless the other 20% contains massive deal breakers.. then you have likely found your 'soulmate'. But again, this all depends on what one considers a deal breaker.
As for soulmates.. this may sound overly simplistic, but to me that is someone you have a soul connection with. People can get all into details about what a soul is, how it doesn't exist, blah, blah, blah.. but when you FEEL that depth with someone, it completely transcends any mental concepts. Including the ones which make up your religion or lack thereof. But, not everyone puts value on such things, or are simply too rigid and afraid to. | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/21/2012 7:31:48 PM | Yes, I think religious differences can be a deal breaker.
When I first started online dating a few years ago I met a younger guy who was extremely handsome and intelligent. I realized pretty early on in the relationship that he came from a religious family, and he was a strong believer (with conflicts). He played guitar on Sunday's in a church, but didn't seem over zealous about it. It appeared he just enjoyed playing the music. He was a very passionate guy, but not physical sexually. I realized there was a difference when we would have a night out, dinner and drinking and then we would go back to one of our homes and make out, but no sex... When I tried to initiate it, he would half joke lets go to las vegas and get married, then we could have sex... I decided that although I really liked him, there was no way I could continue without sex. He stated that his beliefs were he couldn't / shouldn't have sex without marriage. My opinion was I couldn't have marriage without knowing that the sexual part was fulfilling.
His other issue (to me), was his strong belief that everything that happened to him was god's plan. That kind of bugged me, as I felt it was a cop out. I am a believer of taking responsibility for your own actions and the consequences..
Now, I avoid anyone who mentions god/religion in their profile as I don't think we would mesh that well. | |
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raicor
| | Joined: 4/22/2012
Msg: 16 | |
| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/21/2012 8:27:36 PM | as an atheist, i have been on all sides of the "box". one female who "believed" that a lasting relationship was only possible if both people devoutely religious, an atheist who believed they could never be with a religious person because believing made them less than intelligent and one person who, quite religious, found no issue with atheists. in short, if someone appears unilaterally / fanatically biased one way or the other, it would seem a relationship unlikely. well, maybe even a friendship.
"did i hear you take the lords name in vain. well, my dear, my veins are fine, but i will thank you for asking in any event."
stay away from those fanatics. they always want you to do the "work" :) | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/21/2012 9:51:58 PM | I would think it would have to do with just how serious the 2 people were about their religion. I will not date anyone who is the religion I was brought up in due to childhood issues I had. But I'm willing to go to anyone's church. I finally added something to my profile about it. Right now I actually would prefer to find someone who was somewhat into his religion and attends church on a somewhat regular basis. However, I doubt I'd ever want to convert to anything. So if both people are not real serious about their religion, I can't see how it would make a difference. If both people are very serious about it then I can see where there could be problems. I would think the younger the people (still having children for example) the more important it would be.
Someone mentioned politics too. I absolutely don't care what anyone's politics are. I have friends of both of the major political parties and just don't discuss politics with any of them. So if anyone says they won't date either a Democrat or a Republican, I realize they would not be okay with me either since I vote for individuals and not some party line. | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/21/2012 10:07:32 PM | I don't believe in soul mates. To me, that's a fantasy. "I'm also not religious," I wrote in my profile. "I don’t believe in an invisible being somewhere beyond the clouds."
As an atheist I've found religious people are judgmental and intolerant of my lack of belief in an invisible god. I've had three lectures from ranting religious zealots who tried to covert me on our first (and last) date.
I don't try to change Christian's beliefs, so why do they try to change me? I don't mind if my mate is Christian, Jewish, Buddhist or believes in karma. Just don't try to convert me. Don't try to "fix" me. To do so is disrespectful, controlling and a deal breaker. | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/22/2012 10:58:20 AM | I can't escape the sense that this discussion is essentially about definitions, and whether the concepts define the person, or the persons define the concepts.
There is a sort of self-fulfilling aspect to terms such as "soul mate" and "deeply loving." I have known people who wanted so much to believe that "true love conquers all," that when they found that love was not enough to overcome the problems they faced with someone, instead of admitting the limits of love, they rewrote the facts they had heretofore been reporting, so that they could retain their ideals, while discarding the people they once declared were proof of those ideals.
In short, for many folks, when their "soul mate" proves to be a turd, they say that "this proves that he/she WASN'T my soul mate after all."
Want to call it Deep Love instead? Okay, I've seen many people say in the same way after a break-up, "I guess they didn't REALLY love me after all, so that must have been a long infatuation, or self-deception, or lie on their part."
And most pertinently to the OP's thread, I have known a few couples, who were apparently deeply in love for many years, until one day, one of them went through a religious conversion of some sort (born again, persuaded by Muslim teachings, whatever). The new religious aspect of the mate, though the deep love was unaffected, nevertheless made further life together impossible. So once again, yes, religious differences can certainly even BECOME deal-breakers, long after Deep Love was well established. Again, unless you play the back-dating/re-interpretation game. | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/22/2012 11:13:27 AM | I have two thoughts-
If they are truly soul mates (I'll use your term- I don't believe in soul mates but I do believe in highly compatible mates who have a very deep, close relationship be an issue), then it shouldn't be an issue because they get along well and understand and are supportive of one another, etc.
I think of this in the most part as two people who have philosophical or political (etc) differences.
They don't need to practice or believe in my religion. It would be a plus if they would share a talk about it here and there ( or were and were supportive about it. | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/22/2012 11:53:15 AM | Can't say he was my true love.. Just someone I dated that was so religious he could only eat at certain restaurants.. After 3 dates of horrible food I called it a day.. The food was actually stale in one of the kosher places he took me too.. Never saw such unhealthy and horrid food in my life.. Luckily it was dessert after a movie and not a meal.. This way I could just have a tea, I mean how bad can they mess with hot water and a tea bag.
nativerock | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/22/2012 12:08:32 PM | | Nativerock, you "Never saw such unhealthy and horrid food in my life.. ". What a complete crock. You obviously have no idea what Kosher food is or what makes it Kosher, and as a person who doesn't get much of an opportunity to eat it, I do whenever I get the chance. Partly because it is generally delicious and partly because I consider it healthier than the cr*p many people eat as a matter of course. Why do people make comments about things when it is so obvious they are clueless. I don't get it. And he was so religious he was dating a "shiksa"? I don't think so. | |
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| Are religious differences really a deal breaker between soul mates
Posted: 7/22/2012 1:51:54 PM |
I consider it healthier than the cr*p many people eat as a matter of course. Why do people make comments about things when it is so obvious they are clueless. I don't get it. And he was so religious he was dating a "shiksa"? I don't think so.
Now this is hilarious since I myself was brought up on this food.. How well I remember my grandmother putting chicken feet in the matzoh ball soup.. full of fat..
No he was not dating a full shiksa just a half shiksa.. I am part Native by birth on my mother's side.. My birth father was Jewish.. I am by no means clueless about Jewish cooking I just revamped it to make it healthier..
However these restaurants get no clients that he took me too.. They were little holes in the wall not at all like Moishe's.. and the food was stale.. I could see the cakes in the showcase and could not believe they were serving them.. | |
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