| | Letting your ex know how you feel?Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | Hello everyone, I've been debating on letting my ex know how hurt I am over the breakup. Although everyone tells me to be strong and not contact him, that I want him to think I'm doing good and have moved on. Why don't people want me to tell him how hurt I am? Shouldn't he feel the guilt of what he did? I feel like if I do just walk away and not let him know then he's getting off too easy and doesn't understand the severity of what he did and he may continue in the same path with other girls.
So, should I tell my ex how hurt I am or not contact him?
Thanks so much! | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 7:13:39 AM | They want you to move on because they understand something you apparently do not - this man couldn't give a **** about you or your feelings. In fact, if he is the one who dumped you, he ceased giving a **** about you and your feelings long before the dumping happened. So you spilling your guts about your feelings of hurt will make him do all of the following: a) roll his eyes and yawn, b) feel like he dodged a bullet with you, and c) brag to his friends that he got a pretty blonde so sprung that she's still whining about her hurt feelings after the fact. Do you really want him to be able to paint you as That Girl?
If you don't care about any of the above, sure, let him know. But if you want to carry yourself with a modicum of self-respect, keep it moving and do not contact him. | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 7:29:33 AM | | I'll respectfully disagree with the above post. My ex hurt me terribly when we broke up. I waited about 2 weeks and then texted him. That I wanted honest answers and that he owed me that much. He called and we talked for a bit. I was able to get the answers I needed (confirmation that he cheated) which was a huge burden off of me. We were able to end things on a better note, and I had the "closure" that I needed. Now whether he rolled his eyes or patted his back or whatever, I would still have contacted him because it was a healing process for myself more than anything. | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 7:32:07 AM | what do ya think it will accomplish telling him how much he hurt you? let me tell you Nothing, he wont care, not sure what he did but he did it, youre not together and hes moved on , If you tell him how much he hurt you he will keep that in the back of his head and when he finishes with his latest fling you will be the rebound booty call because he knows he can have you at his beckin call.
Your best bet is to move on and let him go, trust me if he hasnt heard from in a few months he will send out the feelers to figure out whats up with you, assuming he hasnt found his ms.right. | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 7:32:53 AM | | It takes time to readjust to being single... Pain your hurt is yours he doesn't share it with you that's why people advise you not to tell him (he doesn't care))... why should he feel guilty he doesn't or he shldn't anyway.... I'm sure you know lots of people that have broken up with the ones they once loved it's not unusal... it's part of life... I agree with your friends do not not contact him he doesn't care about your pain.. best of luck... | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 8:08:26 AM | | no he prob dont care, had his reasons for leaving,that i can only guess at.he moved on you just come across as needy, high mat, with head baggage/bitter as you want him feel pain you did. he wont/doesnt so get over it | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 8:18:30 AM | | Apparently, you aren't over your ex. I'm guessing he broke up with you but correct me if I am wrong. What you will be doing is feeding his ego to let him know he still is renting space in your head. I wouldn't let the hate fester for too long because you are going to start blaming others you date for what your ex did to you no matter what it is. The best revenge is getting on with your life and living well. Just walk away and be happy that you aren't with a person that hurt you anymore. Pick a better caliber of person to date in the future. | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 8:21:03 AM |
Apparently, you aren't over your ex. I'm guessing he broke up with you but correct me if I am wrong. What you will be doing is feeding his ego to let him know he still is renting space in your head.
Yep.
1. Don't give him the satisfaction.
2. Him knowing how you feel will likely not change anything, so why tell him unless you're hoping it will reverse the sitch? | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 8:33:16 AM | OP I know exactly where you're coming from on this issue. It gives you a sense of closure that you are telling him what he did or didn't do to cause the breakup, what an ASSCLOWN he was, whatever. He will not feel any guilt or any different about you. He won't have a V8 moment and say....OH MY GOD...I made a huge mistake in dumping her.
The only good it will do is to give him a huge EGO boost. By not contacting him at all you will let him know that you are just as indifferent as him. Even though you still care...he doesn't need to know that because obviously he does not. This is a bitter pill to swallow, I know. So have some dignity and don't give him any satisfaction that he matters at all to you. (even if he does) Remember---the opposite of love is not HATE....it's indifference. Even if you don't feel indifferent in your heart, just act like you do....and then eventually your indifference will be just that...for real.
Hang tough. | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 9:09:42 AM | Letting your ex "know" how much he has hurt you can only lead to bad things.
What if he gets back to you and says ...
"I dont care, never really like you anyway"
"whatever, Im dating somebody way hotter and less psyco than you"
"get over it, dont contact me"
You will then call Dr Phil and be boo hooing on national tv on how he is a jerk...
LET......IT......GO | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 9:11:48 AM | If he's your ex, what makes you think 1-he doesn't already know how you feel, and 2-he cares?
You just sound like you're still wanting to manipulate him ("Shouldn't he feel the guilt of what he did?" - "let him know then he's getting off too easy and doesn't understand the severity of what he did".)
You don't care about his future "other girls", you just want to ream him a new one and force him to listen to the barrage of emotions you can't seem to overcome. Which will most likely make him feel justified in whatever atrocity he committed that you're hinting about. | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 11:51:11 AM | What will you achieve with that? That you get back together? Vindication? What?
If it makes you feel better, write it down, then either email it to him, or wait a couple of months and read what you wrote again. If you still feel the same way, send it. But send it not because you want him back, but because you want to end the chapter and close the book. | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 1:14:58 PM | I kind of think by trying to tell him, you're really "wanting something from him" in return.
Acknowledgement? Reconciliation? Whatever it is, you need to let that go and keep your momentum moving forward, and not back.
There is no satisfaction to be gained from you. The sooner you can forgive and "FORGET", the better.
Learn what part you played in whatever ending you two had, and move on. (and YES you always have a part) | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 1:16:38 PM | If you want to establish he can do whatever he pleases and treat you however he sees fit, then yes, by all means, tell him that you have no self confidence. Why are you pandering for his affections? We have no idea why he should be feeling "guilty." How would we know? But you come back with the "miss you, I am so hurt" means "I want you back, no matter the terms, its all in your court." Don't play games to "show him" how well you are doing. Your friends have it half right anyway, -don't go backwards to him.
We're all going to assume *since thats all we can do* that there was a reason for the breakup. Maybe try learning from it and moving forward and not repeating mistakes- ESPECIALLY with the same guy!!!! ;o) | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 1:27:13 PM | | As a teen-ager I lived in Italy for a year where they consider expressing your emotions to be a critical part of being a healthy happy person. It takes a while to tangle with someone and a while to detangle. You have every right to express yourself and to ask for his accountability. | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 1:47:10 PM | Landra nailed it down (once more)!
OP, you're hurting now and therefore might not be thinking quite clearly.
Contacting him and telling him how hurt you are won't accomplish anything, you are much to emotional and irrational in your current state. The only thing it might accomplish is making you hurt worse as he will not react kindly to your contacting him and gushing some tirade at him. | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 1:51:42 PM | Don't contact him.
You're hurt, mad and you want your feelings validated and he can't do that for you. Keep talking to your friends, write a letter and don't send it, do everything but contact him. | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 4:04:11 PM |
Why don't people want me to tell him how hurt I am? Shouldn't he feel the guilt of what he did? I feel like if I do just walk away and not let him know then he's getting off too easy and doesn't understand the severity of what he did and he may continue in the same path with other girls.
Why do you think he would even CARE what you think or feel????? Why do you think he SHOULD CARE????? Are you some kinda of Relationship expert,Anne Landers or something????? Or are you trying to "get back" at him,because the hurt you are feeling????
I'm gonna give a word of advice and wisdom. Stupid people don't care or understand that they are stupid. Doesn't matter to them. So telling them, doesn't matter one way or the other. If you want to feel good about yourself, learn from this past experince, and don't get tricked again. And maybe, just maybe, wait a couple more years before trying to find a "long term " relationship. | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 4:58:02 PM |
But if you want to carry yourself with a modicum of self-respect, keep it moving and do not contact him.
I don't think that's rule of thumb advice -- in fact, that's not good. People do need closure, and it can happen... and if they're not going to get over them right then and there and be tossing and turning anyway -- why not? I think closure is a huge thing. All situations differ, thus what's required varies. And sometimes you can't get fully satisfactory closure... but knowing you got the most of what you could, is sort of a gap filler by itself.
Although everyone tells me to be strong and not contact him, that I want him to think I'm doing good and have moved on. Why don't people want me to tell him how hurt I am?
If you're still hurt, you haven't (fully) moved on. You're still in the moving-on process, which is why you want to talk to him.
It's not a being strong vs being weak thing. Trying to get back together with him or allowing him to get back together with you (assuming you two should not be) is where being strong vs being weak comes in. Having closure is an entirely different concept. It's for you, not him.
If it's been a long time, I would advise against it, though. The concept of having some closure is that you effectively get your general message across about it all (whether you're the dumper or the dumpee; the one who was hurt or the one who did the hurting; etc). If it's been too long (like say a 6mo relationship and it ended a year ago) AND he's a jerk-type, I would say it probably won't be a good idea. He'll just chalk it up as a crazy ex yapping at him.
What you want to do is take it from a 3rd party perspective and let him know WHY what he did was wrong. Write an email and craft it carefully. You may even want to send it but afterwards set your mail program to auto-delete/trash any mail coming from his address so you don't have to deal with a response, if he's the jerk-type. If he's not, then maybe communicating some can be really good thing to give you full closure.
If in the back of your mind/heart you want him back, then don't go down that road. You'll basically be tricking yourself for closure, but in reality, want a chance to possibly have him back (which is not a good idea). | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 5:06:33 PM | I see no reason why you shouldn't tell him, for the reasons you outlined. I don't know whether he hurt you inadvertently or makes a habit of this kind of thing but at least he would know that it had a bad effect on you. Sometimes people don't realise what they are doing and this might pull him up and make him think a bit.
I think your friends are probably thinking that telling him would do no good in that it wouldn't bring him back. If you thought it would, then that would not be a good reason to contact him. If, however, you just want to unburden yourself of the way his actions affected you, then you might as well. At least you would then feel some sort of closure. Don't assume it will lead to him wanting you back though. That is in the past now. | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 5:09:11 PM | So, should I tell my ex how hurt I am or not contact him? As if he isn't also hurt?
Why would you automatically assume he is also hurt without knowing more about what caused their break-up?
He could be feeling anything---from indifference all the way to actual relief. | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 5:24:23 PM |
People do need closure, and it can happen... and if they're not going to get over them right then and there and be tossing and turning anyway -- why not? I think closure is a huge thing.
Some people "may" need closure,but, how they get it reveals a lot about a person. Some people bring guns to get the closure they are looking for. And no, I don't think what I just typed as funny. It's something people should think about when they believe they are gonna be "accepted" or "greeted" with open arms from ex.People are getting wierder and wierder everyday.
And why would you depend on a "ex" for anything,anyways?????? | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 6:32:31 PM | | I am sorry, you got hurt. Believe me, it takes time, but you will get over him. Dont contact him. He wont feel any guilt, and it might leave you feeling like a big fool. | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 7:04:51 PM | OP: You are coming across as a psycho nut job with enough baggage to fill the Grand Canyon, that all guys try to avoid like the plague. This "letting him know how hurt I am" has nothing to do with closure or giving him information he doesn't already know. You are strictly doing it for revenge-hoping he will say "Gee, I never knew that I was hurting you". It's not going to happen. The only thing you will accomplish is to verify his suspicions that your are a crazy b1tch in need of intensive therapy.
I agree with abelian when asking, how do you know he isn't hurting too, just as much as you? Do you want him contacting you to lecture you on how much you hurt him and put all of the blame on you for messing up your lives? Afterall, we don't have any details of the break-up, so chances are you messed up the relationship as much as him. You are looking to throw a gas can on a fire. Take a vacation far away for a long time and come back and re-evaluate your plan of attack when you are a little more sane. | |
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| Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 10:59:39 PM | | I think most of us have been in a similar situation at some point or another. I know I have! As much as I wanted to hear her say she made a mistake, as much as I wanted to know she hurt as well, as much as I wanted to hear her say she wanted to try again, as much as I wanted to snuggle up and kiss her again (dang loved the way she kissed me) those words could never heal the pain. She, just as he, decided they wanted someone different. I think a man who is 100% satisfied with you would make for a better relationship then one who is not! Sad to say but he was not satisfied (this is in general not sexual) or he would still be with you. For me the less I talked with her it helped me get over her. Everytime she would contact me it would really mess with me so I agree with everyone else who is saying dont contact him. Everyone is different so what worked for me may not work for you. I know your pain and wish you the best. | |
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