| | A single Father who is totaly lostPage 1 of 2 (1, 2) | Well i'd like to start with a little back story.
I was married for 7 years to the most wonderful woman i have ever known. We had a great marriage and we lived good lives. We both had our parts in the marriage and i must admit i was spoiled as far as things i had to do away from work. My wife done everything for me and my daughter. I honestly mean everything from A to Z.. I work hard to provided a good life for my family which required working alot. Normally 14 t 16 hours a day usually 7 days a week. Well not that long ago my wife found out we were gonna have another baby, we were both happy. About 9 weeks in there was a problem that resulted in my wifes death. So suddenly i became mom and dad and had only limited knowledge of what im doing.. Again we were all spoiled.. I've finally got things going kinda normal but i still have an issue i hoped one have faded and could really use some insight. My 4 year old daughter has sever separation issue. i know its because she went to sleep with her mom beside her and woke up with her mom gone never to return. she knows what happened to her mom but i know she doesn't really understand... i can't go to work, take a shower, walk to the mail box,, anything. my daughter is very well behaved great manners, very polite.. but she so affraid that when i leave im not coming back. i've talked with her about it, let her know that i'll always be here and i'm always coming home to her. she knows i love her more than life.. nothing has helped any ideas are welcome.. thanks for any ideas anyone might have | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/24/2012 10:36:58 PM | This is heartbreaking, I am so sorry for your loss.
I am a widow also, feel free to talk to me privately anytime.
Your child is experiencing attachment disorder and seperation anxiety. Perfectly normal reactions to her loss.
You can explain logically to her that you will always be back, but she does not go by logic, she goes by the feelings caused by loss. The feelings of loss rise up when you leave her, even if only to go the mailbox. She is operating on pure emotion and instinct. It will be like this for awhile. it will take time, but after awhile it wont be so bad.
Talk to your pediatrician, maybe he can refer you to a childrens specialist where she can get counseling.
I went through it too, now my kids beg me NOT to hover over them, lol. | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/24/2012 10:40:15 PM | | Would like to say good luck man. That is very discerning. My daughter is 8 and doesnt allways understand why mommy isnt around. I don't ever think it will be easy for you. Time will fix that though and things will get easier. We all learn. | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/25/2012 6:12:21 AM | Oh my ...
I can understand your daughter's fear.
When I went down to watch my grandchildren (2 and 5 year olds) I saw how attached they were to their mom.
And it would be horrific if they ever lost her.
I know first hand, as I lost my father when I was 7.
It leaves a humongous hole in your heart.
You are correct, your daughter has abandonment issues.
You really need to have these addressed, or as she grows up it will cause her major problems.
I would suggest seeking out some form of counseling for both you and your daughter.
A trained therapist will be able to advise and help you on how to make your daughter feel secure.
I STRONGLY suggest this.
Because if and when you find yourself a partner, your daughter will be devastated,
as your time with her will be a contention.
Please do seek out a counselor. | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/25/2012 7:27:09 AM | You just can't say that you're leaving. I had this same problem with BOTH of my girls. I found out that if you just do not make a big deal out of it, they don't notice you even leave. I was shocked when I tried it and heard absolutely no screaming, no holding onto my legs and trying to keep me inside the house, or out of the bathroom!
Good luck! Watch the Nanny! It helps ... | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/25/2012 7:58:07 AM | Im so sorry, I wish I could take your pain away, and take the pain from your daughters heart. Do you have any religious beliefs you can talk to your daughter about her moms death? leave in small steps like for 5 mins...then come back and each time add a little more time to it., so she see you come back to her.. She needs to reassured you wont leave her like her mom did. Her mom didnt leave her intentionally but in her little heart she is scared. Play hide and seek with her, hide and let her find you, make is easy for her to find you.
Please let us know how you both are doing?
Maybe you shouldnt be on a dating site? just saying seems your not ready? | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/25/2012 9:25:10 AM | I agree with the suggestion of counseling.
Both you and your daughter will learn how to deal your loss and how to move forward.
Best of luck. | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/25/2012 4:23:11 PM | So sorry to hear of your loss, such a heart breaking situation :( for you both. This one is an issue you will have to bring in the professionals for. It is a quiet normal and understandable reaction to the situation that will take time to work through. There's no simple suggestion or miracle cure. Seek out professional and reputable counselors.
I know this suggestion might not sit well with you either, but hold off on dating for a while until your daughter (and you) are coping better, don't isolate yourself, but try to avoid bringing other women into your life on a personal level (socialising but not dating) but at the same time don't shield your daughter completely away from other women. | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/25/2012 5:01:23 PM | A counselor is a must.
I teach preschool so I've seen plenty of seperation anxiety when they leave the parent to be with me a stranger the first few days. Yes in your case mom can't come back, but you will so a lot of the tips should still work. Provide her with pictures of you and mom, have her pick the ones she wants to keep in a book, a frame, a locket, whatever and let her keep them around as much as needed. Also asking her to keep something of yours that you value while she waits could help. EX if you leave her at the sitter let her keep your hat for the day or even something personal of moms. For some people keeping the same perfume or deoderant around to smell can be a help. Try to only leave her with sitters who she knows and always fill the sitter in on the situation/progress. If you need to go to the bathroom try to not tell her and just do it. If she doesn't notice point it out and let her know "you were having so much fun playing that you let daddy go potty alone and now I'm back to play some more." Always praise the small steps. If she's at the bathroom door when you shower it's ok. Make a boundary such as not coming inside, but that you can talk the whole time.
The most important thing you can do for her is to keep seperations as simple and as routine as possible. So when you drop her off it needs to be:say hi to sitter, put away things, hugs/kisses, "ok take her" and out the door. Let the sitter hold her back until you clear the door then they can simply hold the door so she stays in and they aren't hurting her by holding her too tight. But you have to make the exits quickly. The longer you try to talk and calm her down the more time her anxiety has to go from nervous to full blown panic. And the more she learns that if she panics daddy won't leave. And usually once the kid sees the car has left the drive they calm down.
The most important thing you can do for you is have time without her. It sounds like you need the break. Take care of yourself so you have more patience for her. Sometimes you have to recharge your batteries. | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/25/2012 11:37:52 PM | A counselor is not a must...
I advise you get active in the community, do some community service and get your child active in sports. Being active and living your life is the best route. After you change your lifestyle, begin to date. | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/26/2012 9:03:12 AM | | I understand your dilemma. Losing a parent is difficult and as much as she misses her mom, she is worried that something will happen to you, too. My 8 year old daughter still needs constant assurance that I am okay. For my situation I have to make sure that she knows that there will always be someone to take care of her, her sister, her brother, her aunts, her older cousins. My little one's fear is being alone. That might be a big part of it for your little girl as well. | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/26/2012 2:30:09 PM | | I may be young, but that will be your only argument towards why I am "wrong". Produce a statement which provides some sort of valid reasoning and I may care. I suggested the healthiest route to get though the situation. If we were to debate the concept of counseling. I would win. | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/26/2012 3:07:30 PM | My son was the same. He's 4 now.
A side from bringing her to talk to a professional. I would suggest what I did. I took him to my mams house. I told him mammy is going out but I will be back. I went out the door stood in the garden for 2 minutes, he sobbed, I came back in and made a fuss telling him he was a big boy and I was so proud of him.
The next day I did it for 5 mins and gradually I built it up until I could leave him over night. I made sure to phone him if I was gone for more than an hour.
good luck OP
Smexi | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/26/2012 3:10:34 PM | Pleasurstick
You may have a point there, counseling my not be the best solution for this family, therapist dont always give the best advice they only tell you to something in which they believe is best for you. There is more than one way to help yourself, sports and getting back in the community may have better effect in their healing. | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/27/2012 7:25:08 AM | | dear OP....sorry for the loss your family has experienced. however you will find that you can talk to her all about female things. my daughter is 13 and still has her mother (rarely talks to her), several aunts on both sides, grandmothers, and female family friends. yet at the end of the day we are the parents. my current saying is "i was never a 13 year old girl...but i have been a 13 year old boy"..what do i know about periods? nothing besides what i have read...but i am able to talk to her about it or steer her in the direction where she can learn herself. us single dads have to stick together...its a tough job but there is nobody better to do it. email me if you ever need to talk or vent....hug your daughter today. there is a book, i forget the actual title....look under amazon for dads and daughters...something like "what every daughter needs from her dad"...very good book | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/27/2012 7:59:19 AM |
You are correct, your daughter has abandonment issues.
You really need to have these addressed, or as she grows up it will cause her major problems.
I would suggest seeking out some form of counseling for both you and your daughter.
A trained therapist will be able to advise and help you on how to make your daughter feel secure.
I STRONGLY suggest this.
Because if and when you find yourself a partner, your daughter will be devastated,
as your time with her will be a contention.
Please do seek out a counselor.
Have extreme patience with her and allow her to be close to you as long as it is necessary. I suggest telling her that you are not going anywhere and that you will be there to take care of her. Counseling will allow her to know that anything can happen to any of us at any time, but in a way that a 4 year old can handle. Best wishes. | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/27/2012 8:26:00 AM | I agree with the STICK dude..
you may get great help from a counselor, but your daughter needs fun healthy time with dad and other people. Teach her how to swim, take her to any fun activities that you two can be together out of the house.
Assist her with some kid accomplishments...gymnastics, soccer, whatever. And a TON of positive calm conversations between you both.
Dating right now sounds terrible for her. and a counselor can be seen as a replacement for mom?? be careful. | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/29/2012 5:47:11 PM | | I am a single mother of 2. Granted mine is through divorce, which is way easier to cope with than death. But I've had to go through several rounds of seperation anxiety with each of my children, even today. The best thing I've found to do is to help them get settled wherever they will be without me. Make sure they see all the fun stuff they can do while I'm gone, tell them where I'm going, something we can do when I return. Most important is that they are assured I will return as soon as I can. Leave with lots of hugs and kisses, return the same way. Allow awhile, sometimes 15 minutes extra, just in case it will take awhile for them to be ok with the idea of your leaving. Make sure you do something special right before you leave, something fun that they enjoy, so that they are happy. And sometimes you still have to leave them upset, but they usually settle down quickly when left in good hands. | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/30/2012 1:30:21 PM | My sister passed from cancer when her youngest was 5 yrs old. He had about a year of severe separation anxiety. We as a family were able to help him by keeping everything as consistent as possible until he startedto adjust. Eating habits, bedtime routines, daily activities, etc. We also became his support network, with myself, his older sisters, and my mom stepping up to fulfill the "mommy" role in his life. He is now 8 yearsold and very well adjusted.
I do suggest counciling of some sort to help her deal with her issues. And don't be afraid to lean on trusted family and friends to help her fill that hole in her life right now. Do make sure that the people you turn to are able to be consistant in her life. The last thing she needs right now is a string of people in and out of her life. | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/30/2012 3:17:18 PM | My heartfelt condolences for you and your family's loss.
Separation anxiety happens with kids even in the best of situations, no doubt the passing of your wife exacerbates this in your daughter. I've seen it come and go with mine and I'm merely sharing custody 50/50 - I know how inseperable your little 'shadow' can become, how tiring it can get (on top of all the crazy stress you've already got) and how much it can be painful to watch a child go through this.
my best advice is what others have suggested - Get Counseling. Whether it's through your church or if you have insurance that can help pay - it's priceless if it helps you and your daughter gain some 'tools' as you enter this new stage of your lives.
Good Luck Bustedknuckles, it's a hard row, but you're a great dad for even asking these kinds of questions and seeking help. | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 7/31/2012 1:51:08 PM | | I would also like to add. Counseling Isnt a bad idea. My daughter had some counseling to deal with the mommy issue and some other issues she was going through. She not only had help with coping but made a great friend. The Dr. that saw my daughter was awesome. Can't speak for all therapist but some are godsends! | |
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| A single Father who is totaly lost
Posted: 8/2/2012 3:25:53 PM | | Wow...My eyes actually weld up while reading your story. My daughter has some seperation/anxiety issues revolving around me as well although she has not been through anything like your daughter. I am all she has as her father has not ever been in her life. She constantly worries when I leave the house that something will happen to me while I am gone. I contacted Kinark Child and Family Services and we attended a group called "Fear Busters". It was for the parents and children with these sort of issues. Once a week the parents would do exercises in one room while the kids were down the hall doing their own. It helped my daughter a little and I'm hoping this info will help you:) | |
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