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| | Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | | Ok, this always gets me. I have been online dating since 2000 and it's a reoccurring "problem" that never goes away. I'm the kind of guy that can chat on the computer or text with no problem. But once I'm on the phone or in person and talking to someone new, I get a little quiet. It's not like I sit there like a dummy, I will do some talking. But, the woman I'm always with, will start to panic after 10 seconds of silence. To me, it's not awkward. Why do women feel uncomfortable when there is a few seconds of no talking? I actually enjoy it. A good example was tonight. This woman gave me her number and told me to call. I called, started talking to her and when I had nothing to say, she'd scream "talk!" over the phone. She was barely saying anything herself. I would ask a question about her or her kids and she'd give me short, three word answers, then give me crap for not talking enough. I also met a woman last night at a coffee shop. I was not afraid to start the conversation, but when I stopped talking for a few seconds, she would say "awkward silence". This pretty much happened for 2 hours! I was actually getting annoyed. If people don't like a few seconds of silence and they feel uncomfortable, then why don't they talk themselves? Plus, how is a person suppose to talk non stop for 2 hours and not take a breather? What are you even suppose to say to someone that you barely know, besides ask them dumb questions like it's a job interview. It's just a big issue for me that has gone on 12 years. | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 4:05:01 AM | If this has been going on for 12 years something tells me you are the problem and women are losing interest fast. Also, at meetings if there is awkward silence these women are probably not interested. I would not sit there for 2 hours, let alone 20 minutes with anyone I was not attracted or interested in. That is why they are first meets, period. To see if there is enough in common and attraction. There is more here than a silence issue.
And meeting a potential mate is like an interview. People want to know about you. We are not sitting there to discuss a bunch of crap if we like someone and * might * want them in our lives. Damn right we ask questions of importance. If you cannot answer questions about yourself, it is done. Bye bye. Next.
If you were annoyed for 2 hours I have to ask why you sat there that long? Maybe change your ways of talking to women for this to be going on for so many years. If all you are good at are e mails and texting like most people these days stop doing it and brush up on how to hold a conversation face to face. I have met some men who can write e mails or text but face to face they have the communication skills of a dead pig.
A little bit of silence is one thing but no interest is what all of this sounds like. | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 4:05:19 AM | 10 seconds of silence on the phone is NOT "a little quiet", it is a sign that you don't know how to keep a live conversation going AND/OR you don't know how to recognize the lil' verbal cues that say a conversation is ending or should be. i can't imagine why you'd enjoy that kind of social awkwardness, but it obviously makes everyone else really uncomfortable. hate to break it to ya, but humans are social, verbal creatures…. if you can't learn how to play in that end of the pool then prepare for at least 12 more years of awkward silence.
as for the two examples you mentioned here, they sound strangely neurotic but sort of the appropriate foil for your brand of enjoyably long pauses, so from that perspective it's all rather cosmically funny isn't it.
I'm the kind of guy that can chat on the computer or text with no problem. /////
What are you even suppose to say to someone that you barely know, besides ask them dumb questions like it's a job interview.
i don't even get your question. what were you saying to them from behind a computer screen or madly texting away???
i would think it's exactly the opposite. if you barely know somebody, the entire universe is basically your opening point for a conversation. pick something and off you go. conversations are the way to build intimacy and get to know someone, they are not what happens after 2 hours of awkward pauses with people you don’t know. so if you have nothing to say or don’t know how to ask anything but dumb questions that sound like a job interview, then there's nothing to talk about. we are done here. | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 4:18:44 AM |
Why do women feel uncomfortable when there is a few seconds of no talking? I actually enjoy it.
In person is one thing. On the phone though, silence can be a little awkward. And what's to enjoy about sitting there listening to dead air on the other end of the line? If you're not talking, you should be listening, which means more than just listening to the other person breathing. And it's not just women who get annoyed by this, either.
Plus, how is a person suppose to talk non stop for 2 hours and not take a breather?
I don't exactly have the gift of gab (though past phone bills have often said otherwise), but growing up as a teen, long phone conversations weren't unusual. I'm still guilty of this at times, and they often most occur with men I've not met in person yet. When you click you with someone you can talk for hours quite easily and lose track of time.
What are you even suppose to say to someone that you barely know, besides ask them dumb questions like it's a job interview.
I never do that. Those kinds of questions are irritating at best. Used sparingly, they aren't as bad in email, where someone can elaborate to their heart's content in their own time. Once you're at the phone stage though, and even moreso face-to-face with each other, drop the Q&A real fast, unless you're doing it on purpose to make it fun (asking ridiculous/funny/silly questions just for a laugh). Conversation should flow naturally. I can usually go from trading hey what's up great to hear from you greetings to amusing St. Olaf style stories with people within a very short amount of time, if we happen to click. I'm kind of bubbly and silly so what works for me is just to get them laughing at the outset, which helps take that awkward edge off early on and sets the tone for a really laid back fun conversation. | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 4:54:34 AM |
Plus, how is a person supposed to talk non stop for 2 hours and not take a breather?
Get off the computer, call the police, and report whoever it was held a gun to your head to force you to stay on the phone for 2 entire hours.
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 4:58:17 AM | Try this:
Before going into a conversation or a date, have 5 or so topics ready. Avoid these topics during the conversation. Then when things get awkward, jumpstart the conversation with one of these topics. | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 5:22:15 AM | | I like silences. I don't like incessant, anxious, talk. For this reason I prefer to meet people quite soon after beginning online mailing. If the person I am curious about is uncomfortable with silence then I don't see much point in continuing. Silence can be comfortable and meaningful and meditative and silence can also be awkward. The difference is really in the ease a person feels in themselves. My advice to rocktman1973 is to include in his profile something of his liking for quiet and then he'll attract women who like it also. | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 6:32:52 AM | If you have nothing to say, you're going to appear boring, stale and not fun to be around.
Improving your conversation skills is probably something you need to work on.
Or only date the chatty-Kathy types who will not care if you ever open your mouth. | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 6:37:28 AM |
but when I stopped talking for a few seconds, she would say "awkward silence". This pretty much happened for 2 hours!
Got to wonder why either of you put up with that for 2hrs.... | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 7:30:39 AM | Why are you taking all the blame for this? They could be talking too. They could try to be more entertaining as well. My advice is to make a joke about it. "Awkward silence! tu ru ru ru (twilight Zone music). Don't you love it?"
Try to keep your phone conversations shorter, but when they happen in real life, then stare at her eyes and smile and look at her reaction. | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 2:06:20 PM | | The problem with a lot time with emails, texting, & talking on the phone a lot before you do a meet & greet is.What is there to talk about on the date? So try & ease off some on the texting & emails. Try & make it fun. If there is some weird silence. Whip out a deck of cards. That might help the conversation go more smoothly. | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 2:15:13 PM | Here is my advice.
1) Get sales training and attend a few seminars. One of the best ways to get comfortable dealing with people in person. When I became a personal trainer, I was great at the training and helping people. However, my social skills and selling skills needed work. I had trouble walking up to people in the gym, starting conversations, selling training, etc.. I soon realized that unless you can get people in front of you to train, you won't have any clients. So I got some sales training, attended a few seminars, etc.. After that things got much better. In a way dating is a lot like sales because you are selling yourself and reading body language is essential.
2) Buy a few books on conversation starters and read them cover to cover repeatedly. If you can have some material to talk about, there is never a silence. Personally, I don't mind silence. I think too many people get over anxious and start chatting about random stuff just so there is no silence. However, when you find the right person, silence is comfortable. Sitting there looking into their eyes, laying next to each other, etc..
3) Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself or tease them in regards to the silence. If they keep giving you crap, throw it back. For example, if you are on the phone and you ask a question that gets a close ended answer. Say "After checking with our judges that is not an acceptable answer." Then start whistling the Jeopardy theme. Or a line I like to use is "I am not a dentist and I have no desire to pull teeth to get you to open up. " This usually works, but if they still don't start expanding or adding to the conversation, I will actually come out and say "Look I have things to do, so call me back sometime when you feel like talking." and I will actually hang up on them. Remember, if you don't have respect for your time or yourself in general, no one else will either. | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 2:46:34 PM |
Why are you taking all the blame for this? They could be talking too. They could try to be more entertaining as well
My point, exactly!! People always seem to blame the other person for the awkward silence, like I'm always getting blamed, but they are not talking as well! It takes 2 people to make the conversation. When I stop talking, I expect the other person to start. That sometimes does not happen and I get the blame!
Like that woman I talked to on the phone late last night. She gave me her #, told me to call her, so I did. I started talking and joked around a bit to break the ice and when I stopped, she freaked out! She admitted to me that she can talk my ear off, but she never did. She was the quietest person I've ever talked to, yet she was getting upset with me for some silence. I told her that she is allowed to talk to and her reply was that I called her, so I should do the talking. What's wrong with these women??? | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 2:47:29 PM | ^^^
Good advice above.
so I only need add a couple of thoughts.
Since you are good in text, write down stuff about her
to talk about over the phone.
Just a few notes.
for when you get stuck.
Also if she doesn't have much to say,
you won't either.
so not a match.
Last thought is keep the calls shorter till
you know her better.
2 hours is abit much.
The idea of phone chat is to do it enuff for her to feel OK
in meeting you.
Don't make it an end in of itself.
good luck. | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 2:54:20 PM |
Last thought is keep the calls shorter till
you know her better.
2 hours is abit much.
The idea of phone chat is to do it enuff for her to feel OK
in meeting you.
Don't make it an end in of itself.
Tattoo this to your forehead. | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 3:37:24 PM | | I will always call 10 minutes before a session with a client the day after a date. This does three things. First, women love when a guy calls the next day and that you are thinking about them and take time out of your busy day to drop them a quick line. Secondly, is that it gives me a valid reason to get off the phone right away. I start the conversation off by saying, I have my next client in a few, but I wanted to see how you were. Finally, you can reflect on the date and let the conversation take care of itself. Throw in a little banter to keep the sexual tension up, and a few minutes asking about their day and you are good to go. But remember, always have a goal with each call, and that goal is to plan the next date. It is not to be their phone buddy or have chatty Kathy sessions. Save all the conversation and getting to know you for in person interaction. One post date call, and an email or a few texts a few days later should be more than enough communication between dates. Especially if you are seeing each other a few times a week every 3-4 days. | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 4:33:45 PM | | ^^^Agree with rdeffley about the short calls. Which brings up another point. Some people (mostly the under 25 crowd) feel it's necessary to text the other person 5 or 10 times a day. If you're constantly texting someone all day, what is left to talk about when you meet in person? | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 6:20:03 PM | It's not exactly fair to point the finger at either person. Some people have good phone chemistry, and some do not. It's not essential that your partner have the best phone etiquette, unless it's a pre-requisite for you. It's funny how you mentioned that silences don't bother you, but yet you write a thread about how much it does (when SHE doesn't talk).
Interestingly, texting and emailing can be easier forms of communication perhaps because the author of the message can take a few minutes or more to be thoughtful. On the phone, most answers are spontaneous, and if they're not - if the person takes longer to formulate a response - you get those awkward silences, as people call it. It shouldn't be an issue if the person needs to take a minute to respond, or think of something else, but it seems for some there is a pressure to be immediate. It's viewed as though one or the other person is failing in some way, like phone chat is some kind of contest about who is most interesting, charming, witty, etc...
In the end, phone calls are simply a form of communication in the absence of a physical presence - if the conversation lags, end the conversation. Pick it up another time, or meet in person. If the issue persists in person, then perhaps you have your answer: not long-term potential - no verbal 'click'. As someone else implied, no one is forcing you to prolong an agony that could be forgone; you are under no obligation to assume you must remain on the line or risk not being in someone else's good graces. If the communication was better by text or email and you want to keep chatting with this person, keep it at that - maybe there needs to be more time to become comfortable with spontaneous types of communication with them. | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 7:13:02 PM | | Part of me says it may be an issue with you that you aren't catching on to yet. Then again it may be on the female you're with. If she is urging you to talk after a few moments of silence perhaps she doen't have anything interesting to say and wants you to carry the conversation. 12 years is a VERY long time to be into online dating. Is there a reason you have tuck to this method for so long? | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 7:28:45 PM | | I agree, 12 years online dating seems long, but it wasn't 12 years, non stop. I did meet my exwife online and were together for a while. After we separated I had other relationships that lasted 2-3 years. But the most successful relationships I had, the woman didn't care if I was quiet at first. They didn't have hookups about a moment of silence. It's just that a good chunk of women get so terrified when there is a few seconds of silence that they start to panic! Maybe because they've never had anything serious or bad happen in their life? That awkward silence is the worst experience they've had in their life and it's controlling their lives. A woman would date an abusive alcoholic, that will cheat and do drugs, but is a good talker, rather then a nice, decent looking guy that treats her with love and respect, but is quiet. | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 7:49:39 PM | A woman would date an abusive alcoholic, that will cheat and do drugs, but is a good talker, rather then a nice, decent looking guy that treats her with love and respect, but is quiet.
^^^ Are you kidding me? No, I think most women would just stay ALONE. The whole * nice guy * thing is crap. And most people, men or women do not go out of their way to date abusive, alcoholic druggies. Sadly these things come up once you are involved with a person. Most of the time are well hidden !!!
Good Grief...it all about the whole nice guy syndrome??.....** rolls eyes **
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 7:53:10 PM | Yea I agree with MGM.
Women don't want to date a-holes. A-holes are more attractive initially because they have confidence, and could care less about rejection. So they are always themselves. It isn't until a woman dates an a-hole for awhile that she finds out he is a bad guy. So in the end, women want a man that will treat her well and will be a gentleman. However, she wants a man who acts like a man. A guy with confidence, self esteem, a back bone, and the sack to be aggressive sexually. These are the traits that nice guys lack. They are constantly seeking approval, they are push overs, and they are timid sexually.
For example OP. On the phone and in person you let these women do things like screaming the word talk at you, and saying awkward silence without giving it back to them. Women constantly like to test men to see if they are push-overs or if they get how the attraction process works. Women don't like men they can push around. As I said before, if a woman had screamed talk at me, I would have told her to give me something to respond to. Then if she still didn't say anything, I would have said "I have things to do so call me when you feel like talking" and I would have hung up the phone. Get out of the mindset that every woman you meet is possibly the one. Women are people just like men are. Don't give a woman value until she shows she is worthy of it. | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 7:57:16 PM | ^^^^
Yep...like for me...I am simply, 100% attracted to a very outgoing, type A, assertive ( I did NOT say mean ) type of man ! Not a jerk or a rodeo clown, but someone who is extremely confident, outgoing, very high self esteem and who will do me like he is mad at me ( in bed ) !!!!! And most * nice guys * sorry to say it, do NOT show these signs nor have the ability to be this way! So the hard part is , finding that right match who is NOT a jerk wad. And there are some out there !!!!
A guy gets abusive with me, does drugs or starts acting like a jack wad?? He is GONE. So do not sit here and think we want some rodeo clown, just some of us, maybe more than will admit, want a more assertive man !!
A lot of these so called nice guys whine too much. boo hoo am I good looking enough? Waaaaa you are buffer than me you won't want me. Or..you are looking at other men... Gawd all mighty. Really? And yes, this is the type of crap that goes down. Or they are so intimidated they cannot hold a conversation . With any woman ! I tell some people go take a Speech class or some sort of sales class and learn how to communicate with the public. These classes teach people wonders and how to break any awkward silence. Not to mention eye contact.
Just find ways to keep the communication and interest going...and there are ways. Even if you talk about random crap...keep it going, then we will be impressed . Or they do not need to be with you .
Do not be confused OP thinking women WANT an idiot. Most do not. It is confidence that rocks our minds.
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 8:01:52 PM |
Yep...like for me...I am simply, 100% attracted to a very outgoing, type A, assertive ( I did NOT say mean ) type of man ! Not a jerk or a rodeo clown, but someone who is extremely confident, outgoing, very high self esteem and who will do me like he is mad at me !!!!! And most * nice guys * sorry to say it, do NOT show these signs nor have them So the hard part is , finding that right match who is NOT a jerk wad. And there are some out there !!!!
Sorry sweetheart. I would offer my services but I am currently seeing someone right now. :) By the way, it is cool that you are into fitness. As a personal trainer, I appreciate it. | |
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| Oh no!!!! The awkward silence!
Posted: 7/25/2012 11:34:05 PM | | First of all, from being an extremely shy guy mysekf i have had this problem myself before. Lucky enough, a person I've been on a couple dates with is the same,way so when we both acknowledge it, its simply never an issue. I would say to you to put in your profile that youre a FAN of awkward silences and you find them fun (just to be humorous) and when you talk to these women explain that awkward silences are bound to happen the first time you meet anybody...that way they wont be surprised by them and you wont feel bad they took place | |
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