| | The more people I datePage 1 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | The more people I date, the more indifferent I am to falling in love. I know it's not the smartest idea to compare former potentials/boyfriends with people I'm currently dating, but I can't help it. So ... I end up thinking "well, he's not as intelligent, or he's not as witty, or he's not financially secure enough, or he's not good-looking enough, etc." At this point, my standards are almost unattainable and I don't know how to expect less anymore. And I really don't want to settle.
How can one go back and prefer rollerblading when you've already driven a car? I'm lucky that I've dated a slew of wonderful men, but knowing what I have had in the past only makes dating that much harder for me. | |
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| The more people I date
Posted: 7/25/2012 11:22:03 AM | There's a difference between "falling in love" and entering into a relationship.
One sounds helpless and passive, as though events are beyond your control.
The other is a choice and a decision. | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 11:45:28 AM | | I hear you. I fear that I've become cold and distant. Basically, I have become a guy because I can shag them and go. That's not very good for me and the person I've been trying to become. Taking a break from the online this so that I can find my center. | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 11:52:36 AM | | That's the normal progression from youthful innocence and inexperience to the adult more intellectual and experienced ideals. Falling in love now has requirements, and it gets harder and harder to feel as we did when we were younger. It's kind of sad that love loses some of its innocence as common sense and instincts take over the reins, but I suppose it really only takes one individual who clicks with us just the right way to regain something of that youthful sense of falling again no matter how many we may find ourselves dating. | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 12:00:37 PM | The more people I date, the more indifferent I am to falling in love. I know it's not the smartest idea to compare former potentials/boyfriends with people I'm currently dating, but I can't help it. So ... I end up thinking "well, he's not as intelligent, or he's not as witty, or he's not financially secure enough, or he's not good-looking enough, etc." At this point, my standards are almost unattainable and I don't know how to expect less anymore. And I really don't want to settle.
Depending on how vehemently you believe this...time will either change this, or make it your shackle that which only the right man can break. The best option you have at this point is to work tirelessly on yourself.
If that 100% man arrives, he will be phenomenal. You'll want him to want you as much as you want him. That goal might be your highest standard to train to at this particular point in your life. | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 12:07:34 PM | This seems to be common with online dating.
Going from dating offline including bars, clubs, set-ups, etc to being overwhelmed with hundreds of emails is very overwhelming and the standards hit a whole different level because of the choices you have.
Just remember one thing, if you look in the mirror and see that you are better looking, financially superior, extremely witty, etc, you will have tough time meeting perfection.
I'm not saying to settle, just be reasonable. Happiness prevails not material items. | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 12:28:19 PM | Ever heard the joke "The Husband Store"
Well, your on the 6th floor LOL! | |
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| The more people I date
Posted: 7/25/2012 1:19:37 PM | | And soon you will become the usual jaded woman that is eternaly on dating sites complaining of where are the "Real Men." | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 1:30:00 PM | On one hand I see where you are coming from. I have dated so many women that turn out to be flakes, game players, self involved, high maintenance, boring conversationalists, too conservative in bed, etc.. After awhile, you begin to doubt the process. But I am a glass half full personality and the one positive I take out of it is that it all my experience has helped me to realize what it is that I don't want. Being selective to a point and having standards is a good thing. You just can't let them become too unrealistic. In all honesty, this is why I like meeting in person ASAP and not spending tons of time in online communication. If you spend weeks emailing, you begin to build unrealistic expectations. I treat online communication like a movie trailer. I do just enough to peak my interest, but I actually want to see the movie. If you watch an awesome trailer over and over and over, the movie itself will never live up to it.
One thing I take pride in is treating each woman I date as their own person. I don't let past bad experiences influence how I feel about her. I judge her solely based on her actions. | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 2:14:52 PM | | Rdeffley I like your reply and agree with its sentiments. It is harder the older we get BUT it is not impossible and I for one will not let the bad experiences jade me. I like to treat each person as they are,I dont have a list of 'must haves'..I'm one of those that still goes by feelings :)) if it feels good then onwards we go. And no dont settle but do be realistic..none of us are perfect or come without history. | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 2:15:34 PM | Most likely cause: you never completely let go of the last guy.
After all, you can only compare new people to him, if he's still inhabiting your consciousness.
Rollerblading after driving a car?
Yeah, you aren't actually ready to date yet. You still want that guy back again, or you are harboring resentments against some segment of life for causing him to be gone. | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 2:53:13 PM | Congratulations OP!!!!!
What you describe is the proper perspective of dating.
Seeing people as they are,
without making them into more than they are.
Having ex's to compare peeps to
just gives you a better perspective of what you are looking for.
Instead of being jaded,
I think you now have the proper mental/emotional balance to date successfully.
When I am surfing profiles.....I look for that.
Instead of....walks on beaches....likes to laugh...looking for a good man...
and all the other clueless stuff women put on their page.
good luck.
(but you don't need it now.) | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 2:57:54 PM | Oh, I agree one hundred percent. Every single guy I dated helped me figure out what I wanted, mostly by showing me what I didn't want.
If all the guys you dated were so fantastic, why aren't you with any of them? | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 3:07:52 PM |
How can one go back and prefer rollerblading when you've already driven a car? I'm lucky that I've dated a slew of wonderful men, but knowing what I have had in the past only makes dating that much harder for me.
I know exactly what you mean, but you've got to compare apples with apples. How can you go back to a Yugo when you've driven a Beemer? You can't. On the other hand, you're still very young, and time is on your side. It gets tougher when you reach middle-age and become more rigid and set in your ways.
Have fun dating and just don't worry about it. | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 3:10:45 PM | | They were fantastic in their own ways, but there was something about them that were lacking. Sometimes there were physical chemistry but not an emotional connection. Other time we had an intellectual connection, but not a physical one. I'm looking for someone that I can connect with emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, physically, and financially as well. It's not that easy to find. | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 3:15:14 PM |
I'm looking for someone that I can connect with emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, physically, and financially as well. It's not that easy to find.
financially? | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 3:20:31 PM | I think it's very naive to think that finances don't matter, particularly since it's usually a primary factor in divorces and greatly influences what kind of social functions/events one can attend. For example, if I enjoy going to concerts regularly or spending $50 on a nice meal, it would be very difficult for me to ask a guy earning minimum wage and can barely afford his gas expenses to go out with me.
I also need a guy who maintains his finances the way that I do. A saver and a sprendthrift probably would not see eye-to-eye on many things. | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 3:26:45 PM | They were fantastic in their own ways, but there was something about them that were lacking.
And that is called reality. Human beings are imperfect, and usually what you most criticize as a major flaw in others,
is a reflection/projection of that which you feel you lack enough of within yourself.. The Completion Effect.
For example, if I enjoy going to concerts regularly or spending $50 on a nice meal, it would be very difficult for me to ask a guy earning minimum wage and can barely afford his gas expenses to go out with me. I also need a guy who maintains his finances the way that I do.
There are very few young male escorts with enough genetic celebrity status like Richard Gere's character to call themselves professional flirts.
now I realized that one can become jaded with a string of good dates as well.
More accurately that may be called "habituated", or more commonly referred to as spoiled... | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 3:28:23 PM | HaHaHa..
That is all well and good, but if you enjoy going to concerts and having nice meals, perhaps you should plan and pay for these dates every so often to lighten the financial load on the guy a bit. Wanting to meet a guy who is financially stable and responsible is great. However, if your main motivation for this is so that he can supplement your need for entertainment that is another matter all together. Remember, you should always judge a man by the contents of his character and not the contents of his wallet. | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 3:46:14 PM | Lol. I know that. I never said that I was expecting the guy to pay for the dates. Even if we're going dutch, I'd still want to make sure the guy is able to afford such luxuries. But yes, we are diverting from the main subject matter.
I now understand why people become more and more jaded when it comes to dating. I always thought the people who were jaded were probably the ones who met a string of bad dates, now I realized that one can become jaded with a string of good dates as well. | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 5:40:22 PM | I see your point. You simply want a guy who has the $$$ to go out and pay his own way because you're able to pay your own way
Sounds reasonable to me. I also see men's profiles where they state they're looking for a financially independant woman. Everyone has their own ideas of what's important to them, and if I'm contacted by a man who has something on his profile that doesn't fit me, I let him know | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 5:52:24 PM | I don't get excited about anyone new I meet either.
It takes a stellar girl to compare to the experiences I have already had. in fact; many of the women off of here would feel like a huge step backwards.
My dating spirit is pretty grey these days, and can be described in one descriptive word.
*shrug* | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 6:04:07 PM | | You are young yet and falling in love is not something that we can control, only what we do about it. I agree that we should not settle for second best and if you have had great lovers in the past then you will again. Perhaps an older more mature man may come along. Presumably you have more options that a cyberspace dating site which is not mostly, overflowing with potential desirables. | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 6:11:47 PM |
op/1: The more people I date, the more indifferent I am to falling in love.
I’d like to challenge your thinking on that a little bit, Hahaa. And it’s not that I haven’t felt the same – I have. But let’s look at your analogy for a moment…
How can one go back and prefer rollerblading when you've already driven a car?
Would you say ‘the more time I spend rollerblading the more indifferent I am to driving a car’? Obviously not – you’d rather be driving, if I understand correctly.
You’re indifferent to roller-blading, not car-driving. You’re indifferent to unsatisfactory dates, not to meeting a man who measures up. You’re indifferent to the futility of the chase, not the quarry.
If anything, isn’t your disappointment with the dating process a sign that your hope and desire to fall in love is still very much alive? | |
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