| | how to be safePage 1 of 2 (1, 2) | I have met someone I like from here. We met once in public and had a great time. We have not been talking that long. I like him a lot and we have made a second date- also in public. On the first date we joked about "stranger danger" meeting online.
The thing is, tonight we decided to meet at one place. He offered to drive me from there. I told him not to do that as I did not want to be trouble. Translation: I don't know you and I'm not getting in your car. I don't have any red flags about the guy. If I did I would not be talking to him. I want to do the right thing and be safe. I am so passive and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I am to the point that I am thinking I may be paranoid but with online dating it is hard to judge who you are talking to from emails/text and one meeting in person. If I keep seeing him, we can go to each other's house and meet friends/family- I would like to be able to do that. He seemed a little put off tonight but I stuck to my guns. I would rather be crazy and alone than with someone and be hurt. I have been divorced for a few years and I am really still rusty at this dating thing.
My question is, when is it okay to start meeting in private? | |
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| how to be safe
Posted: 7/25/2012 7:57:31 PM | I have been divorced for a few years and I am really still rusty at this dating thing. My question is, when is it okay to start meeting in private?
By the third actual "date" (not counting first meet), if you haven't established enough communication and trust to drive with him somewhere besides just a restaurant, then maybe some HR sensitivity training is in order.
Since you "joked" about stranger danger, if you still feel a bit insecure you might ask to see his drivers license so you actually know his real name and address, and that he has one before getting in his car. | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 7:59:40 PM | How do you mean meet in private?
Meet at his place or yours?
If he did OK on date one,
and didn't give you the willies....
then any date after that should be OK.
You sound very skittish.
He may interpret that as not liking him if you don't tell him why.
So fess up about that, and don't try to play it off as something else.
If he's right for you, he'll date you at your pace.
good luck. | |
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| how to be safe
Posted: 7/25/2012 8:05:13 PM | | Maybe he feels more comfortable with you than you do him. I don't blame you for being precatious. Being a single female is challenging enough and we have to constantly watch our backs so aren't victims of any sort. I think your gut feeling establishes when the two of you can meet in private. | |
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| how to be safe
Posted: 7/25/2012 8:09:47 PM | | ^^^ Agreed. Keep your eyes and ears open and trust your gut. Don't let anyone rush you if you're not ready. | |
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| how to be safe
Posted: 7/25/2012 8:17:19 PM | i agree with the other women. you are being smart.
i'm thinking it would be good if somehow you could meet up with some of his and/or your friends. i think it would ease the "stranger thing". especially if you could meet his friends cause they'll probably give you a better idea of what kind of person he is.
good luck..just take it easy. | |
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| how to be safe
Posted: 7/25/2012 8:39:32 PM | Whenever you feel comfortable it is the right time.
I have had someone come to my house on the first meet (he lived a block from my house) and others that I never had over. | |
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| how to be safe
Posted: 7/25/2012 8:43:56 PM | | you have to use your own gut feeling to know that....can't always know for sure when the right time is....however for sure not the first or second date..I would mayb say the third as well. | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 8:53:29 PM |
My question is, when is it okay to start meeting in private? Only the first meet HAS TO BE in public. I have had tons of first DATES not mEETS be just like a real date and they got picked up at home. Not IN THEIR home but picked up to go out.
But its totally what you feel comfortable with.
Personally after a first meet in public and a first date in a public place meeting , then if the next one was not a normal date where I picked them up I would probably assume they were not ready to date and move on. They are just way way to paranoid for me. Its her call but we are not a match. I spend considerable time trying to make them feel comfortable and secure. If that has not happened after two dates then its is not happening anytime soon has been my experience.
Cowboy | |
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| how to be safe
Posted: 7/25/2012 9:22:17 PM | I usually like to take my own vehicle for the first couple of dates. It has little to do with being 'paranoid'. The fact is, I have just met this person & know absolutely nothing about them except what they have told me. I like the to know that if it's not going well, I can say so & then get in my car & leave.
Example...Went out on a few dates with a guy I met from here & he was a perfect gentleman. So I invited him to a birthday celebration with some friends. I drove to his place & left my vehicle in his garage because my friends rented a limo for the evening. He ended up acting like an arrogant azzhole all evening & when I finally took him aside & asked him to cool it, he snapped. It was 1am & the limo stopped at a red light & he jumped out. I had to get out as well because my car & keys were at his place. This was date # 6, he was a clean cut businessman & I never would have though he would behave like that.
I hope to be a better judge of character in the future but then again, how are you to know? | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 9:55:46 PM | Take your own car. That's not even a guarantee, I had one Mr. Hyde steal my car keys after a few too many glasses of wine.
Yeah this drunk middle aged man stuffed my car keys down his pants expecting me to wrestle with him. I thought about calling the cops to report a theft, but instead I went inside to find a friend to take me to pick up spare keys. While I was inside Dr Jekyll reappeared and pretended it was all a "joke." I reminded him that "jokes" are supposed to be funny.
That was the end of that, but it could have been much worse. This is why I only go to places where I know the staff and patrons. | |
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tjl503
| | Joined: 9/29/2011
Msg: 12 | |
| how to be safe
Posted: 7/25/2012 10:08:22 PM | If you have already met him once then I don't see the problem with him driving you on the second date. You can be cautious (pepper spray, knife, taser) Text your friend his license number and make/model, where you're going with him if it makes you feel safer.
He would already have you tied up in his basement if he wanted to do so, unless that's second date plans. Going out on a second date with a guy in his car is just about as safe as walking down the street. You never know what kind of crazy you will run into but dating is about taking chances.
By the third date if you were still uncomfortable then that's probably not the right guy for you. I would have reservations dating anyone who wouldn't let me take her out in my car on the third meet. | |
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Posted: 7/25/2012 11:28:07 PM | I kind of believe its up to YOU when you feel safe enough to be alone with a guy. Then again I've never met a woman who found me too creepy or weirdt that she felt she couldn't hang out at my place alone.
Maybe its just the vibe he's giving you. | |
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Posted: 7/26/2012 4:01:15 AM | I want to thank everyone for posting on here. It seems like the ladies are saying we do need to be safe. The guys are understably saying "hey- I'm a good guy - give me a break!"
I like the suggestions made here - I especially like the lady who suggested to meet with his friends or mine. That is a good one for men and women to see how he/she acts in public under different situations. | |
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Posted: 7/26/2012 4:23:40 AM | Just a little reminder.
Women can be no less "risky" than men.
I broke ALL the 'dating rules' and lived to tell the story.
http://www.getsafeonline.org/nqcontent.cfm?a_id=1444
Meeting someone
If someone you meet online is sincerely interested in you, they will want you to feel safe and they will be happy to let you apply a few common sense rules when you meet.
Always meet in a populated public place. (Met at my home)
Stay in populated public places.(Stayed in a private place)
Travel there on your own – don’t accept a lift from your date.(He drove to my house)
Do tell a friend or family member who you are meeting, where you are going and when you will be back.(No one knew he was there)
Stay sober.(Got a buzz)
Take your mobile phone.(No need as I had a landline)
Your personal belongings can be stolen. (If he stole them, he needed them more than I did)
Your drink can be drugged.(So could his have been)
Don’t leave them unattended
I believe you can be "too safe" and know that life is risky,but if we let fear to rule our choices,we will miss out on some great opportunities.No point in being paranoid. | |
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Posted: 7/26/2012 7:49:38 AM | | For me I'm really skittish about bring men over to my place. I always think what if we hit it off but there comes a time when I'm not so crazy about him? I worry about guys hanging around, cking out if I'm home kind of stuff. I worked with a g/f who had a guy like this, he followed her everywhere including work and left notes on her car...yuch it was a crappy situation. Still you have to live...finding that balance goes back to what your feeling in your gut. I would go out on a few dates first to make sure I felt plenty comfortable, and don't let him pick you up at home at first. | |
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Posted: 7/26/2012 8:24:03 AM | I broke all the rules with my boyfriend...lol. Still here to talk about it.
First date.. We met at a local sports bar. I jumped on the back of his Harley and went on a cruise with him for a few hours.
Second date.. Went to his house.
Been together several months.. Last man I felt like this about I kept around over a decade. Hell my ex husband says I was never like this about him...lol.
Then again I am not your average woman. I am usually armed. And due to my dad who is a former Navy SEAL, and my ex husband who was a world ranked full contact swordsman I can seriously mess a man up. I know I am a woman and I know how to make up for that. Plus I used to kickbox. I am by no means passive and I am still very much a tomboy at my age.
You have to do what feels right to you OP. | |
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MJ8227
| | Joined: 4/18/2012
Msg: 18 | |
| how to be safe
Posted: 7/27/2012 1:09:52 AM | | I agree with HeartOn64. I think a lot of women screw up opportunities with normal guys because they overthink things like that and are so skittish. It's really is a turn off for a normal, respectful, safe guys because in our hearts we know their's nothing to worry about so we choose to move on to someone who's not so guarded. | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 9:24:44 AM |
Then again I am not your average woman. I am usually armed. And due to my dad who is a former Navy SEAL, and my ex husband who was a world ranked full contact swordsman I can seriously mess a man up. I know I am a woman and I know how to make up for that. Plus I used to kickbox. I am by no means passive and I am still very much a tomboy at my age.
Rockabilly, you ROCK! I have to favorite you for this.
/hijack | |
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| how to be safe
Posted: 2/1/2013 5:19:41 AM | It's really is a turn off for a normal, respectful, safe guys because in our hearts we know their's nothing to worry about so we choose to move on to someone who's not so guarded.
Safe, maybe. Normal and respectful, I'm not sure.
Seems to me to be lacking in empathy which is a quality I value highly.
If it offends Bible thumpers or other salesman when I don't let them in and offer them coffee -- do I care? And if I do, which is trump -- their wish to sell, or my wish to take safety precautions? | |
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Posted: 2/1/2013 6:19:45 AM | | I just take pepper spray with me whenever I am going to meet a stranger. I do not have a gun, (though I see nothing wrong with mentally stable people owning them), if I did, I would take along a .357. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2013 6:32:08 AM | First date or meet in public. From then on it's up to your instincts. Whatever feels right.
The reality is that you could be going out with a person that seems to be a great person, but hides a dark side and you don't know anything about it. Or you could go out with a sort of loud mouth, speak from the cuff type of guy, who you think may be dangerous and he turns out to be a teddy bear that will give his shirt of his back for his friends and loved one.
So, trust your instincts. Ask a lot of questions about their lifestyle. And even though I don't like asking any questions about their ex, ask why they split up and why. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2013 6:39:51 AM | Bear Banger works wonders :)
They are small, the size of a pen. It offers the option of just scaring with noise, or they can leave a nice sting :) | |
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Posted: 2/1/2013 7:45:23 AM |
I am to the point that I am thinking I may be paranoid
You are.. here is a way to solve your problem.
After the first date, you should have at least these bits of information: His first and last name, the city where he lives, and his phone number. With that information, you can easily run a simple background check online. If you do this, don't tell him you did it ..
I ran one on myself once and was amazed at how much a person could find out about someone. | |
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tnt144
| | Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 25 | |
| how to be safe
Posted: 2/1/2013 8:52:55 AM | Okay, this is a tricky one. Here is your answer. It is okay to have up to two "coffee dates". Sometimes a woman needs up to two before she is comfortable enough. It's reasonable. Other times, for the second date, the man can pick her up at her home. It depends on the two people. But he is ready to pick you up. Why is this, you ask? - because women fall in love slower than men, both your love levels don't match yet so you don't understand each other. They may get closer quick though (if it's to be a relationship, it's too early in the dance to tell) if he will go along with you on this one. Make nice-nice but convince him.
Did I mention this dating thing is a ginormous cat-and-mouse game?! When you can see the whole dating and relating dance for what it truly is, it's as funny as a dancing hamster. | |
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