| | Advice?Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | I have a beautiful 6 week old son with my boyfriend of two years. throughout my pregnancy we fought and twice "broke up" but maintained contact and each time I said I was going to find someone else he got insanely jealous. At the very end of my pregnancy I found out that he had sex with two different girls on two occasions during my pregnancy, supposedly during these "breaks" He was distant from me until the day our son was born and since has not left my side.
I still care for him but not like I did before, some days I love him, others just looking at him makes my blood boil. Lately I seem to have more bad days than good.
Sometimes I think I want to leave him for good, other times I just want to forget everything and move on. Has anyone else been through anything like this? What was the outcome? | |
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Posted: 7/26/2012 9:58:50 PM | You have a child to take care of. Whether you like it or not he may have to be involved in the child's life unless the courts deem it otherwise. But, it doesn't seem like a relationship with him is in the cards, but not enough information based on what you posted. It is entirely possible he is not ready to grow up yet, and you are in the early stages of adult hood.
There is no simple answer or advice that can be given. | |
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Posted: 7/26/2012 10:37:14 PM | | if you break up with a guy, dont always expect him to sit around and worry over you. he might be out there enjoying himself. if he does, its tough to hold what he does against him after you split up. keep this in mind the next time you break up and mention finding another guy just to make him jealous. | |
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Posted: 7/26/2012 10:41:21 PM | Op,he sounds the pits to me and id get rid of him asap.
How could you ever trust him..............??
Good luck to you and your newborn. | |
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Posted: 7/26/2012 10:42:11 PM | It's not really about you anymore. It's about doing whatever it takes to provide a stable, two-parent home for your new son.
Commit to doing that rather than waffling around. | |
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Posted: 7/26/2012 11:12:01 PM | | If you were broken up at the time it isn't cheating. I'd say you need to deal with it. Especially if you were the one that left him. | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 12:00:00 AM | When you keep screaming at a man that you are going to find someone else and fighting with him all the time, can you really be surprised that he found others? You should have waited until you had some maturity and experience before you decided a baby was a good idea. Too late now, time to grow up. Stop trying to control the ex-boyfriend and work on yourself, you have an infant who needs a stable home, not selfish fighting parents.
If you learn nothing else from this, learn that if you throw a guy away enough times, he will leave. If he's not worth having around, don't be with him. And never make a baby before you are ready to be an adult. | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 12:08:43 AM | I have a beautiful 6 week old son with my boyfriend of two years. throughout my pregnancy we fought and twice "broke up" but maintained contact and each time I said I was going to find someone else he got insanely jealous. At the very end of my pregnancy I found out that he had sex with two different girls on two occasions during my pregnancy, supposedly during these "breaks"
Why have you written "broke up" in inverted commas? I suspect its because you didn't really think that you two had broken up...but maybe he did.
What you've done by writing "broke up" in inverted commas, is attempt to communicate that "broke up" doesn't really mean "broke up", but you haven't explained what "broke up" really means. You know what you mean, but nobody knows what's going on inside your head...probably including the father of your child.
I can see why you're upset by him sleeping with other women and not waiting to see how things pan out given your pregnancy (many of us can get awfully fickle during pregnancy and require a little patience), but you deliberately tried to upset him with threats of finding someone else.
You could both choose to stop playing silly buggers given that you two are the grown-ups now and you both have a child to look after. If you decide to do that, you need to work on your communication - this involves sitting down and talking about things rationally, rather than making threats, or huffing off with no clear boundaries. If you decide to split, you need to be very clear about the nature of that split. If you just want a little time to yourself with the option of getting back together, you need to say that otherwise, if you tell someone its over, they're going to think...err...its over. I understand this is difficult to do, especially if you're not used to it and feeling like you are, but its imperative you learn to do this with any relationship. (Many of us much older than you still have to work on the way we communicate.)
He was distant from me until the day our son was born and since has not left my side.
Good, he's bonded with your son.
Don't underestimate the value of this, it doesn't always happen and it doesn't always happen so quickly. He didn't have the nine months with your son that you did, remember?
I had a Caesarian when I had my daughter and the anaesthetic didn't work. I came home from hospital 48 hours after major surgery and a wee bit on the shocked side. My daughter's father dropped me off, stayed for about 10 minutes and then went off for the rest of the day leaving me to manage on my own. Don't underestimate the value of a fella who hasn't left your side in these early, difficult days.
I still care for him but not like I did before, some days I love him, others just looking at him makes my blood boil. Lately I seem to have more bad days than good.
Don't underestimate what you've been through. Childbirth is a pretty intense experience. Afterwards, I felt like it was the best and worst experience of my life, all wrapped up into one. Plus if you had any pain relief, post-natal difficulties, sleepless nights, being drained of energy if you're breast feeding, that's going to effect your mood. You've also had whopping great hormonal changes and will be continuing to do so.
Many, many women would gladly catch their partner's by the strangle bone and shake none too gently at this stage in their lives. Its normal for you to feel like this. Its also perhaps not the best time to be making decisions that will affect your son's life in a really big way. Even useless, wasters of daddies who let their children down badly have a place in the hearts of their mistreated children. That's bonding for you.
If your bf is supporting you, I'd ride through the rough times for a bit, if I were you. If he makes your blood boil, remind yourself that he hasn't abandoned you since the baby's arrival (many men do, y'know). Have a bloody good think about why whatever he did, or said, made your blood boil. Assess whether its you being grumpy, hormonal and tired, whether its him being unreasonable, or whether its a bit of both...and try to find the words to communicate with him about what you need him to do to make changes for the better.
What you're going through is perfectly normal. If you found someone else right now, you'd probably want to throttle him, too, but I doubt he'd have a bond with your son in your favour. I strongly advise you attempt to sort things out, including how you feel about him having slept with other women. Have a good long chat about what you were both really thinking and hoping for at the time you "broke up" and try and get that trust back on track, for all three of your sakes.
And never make a baby before you are ready to be an adult.
If everyone on planet Earth had adhered to that rule, we'd be extinct by now. Most pregnancies aren't planned and very little prepares you for the reality of parenthood. We all have to grow up pretty damned quick when we have kids and many people in their 60's, 70's and beyond, have shed loads of growing up to do.
What is the point of telling her off like a naughty little girl? KIds love to fulfill expectations, y'know... | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 12:33:18 AM | You set a guy free, then you wonder why he acts as though he's free?
What? What? What?
Stop holding grudges. He's in the clear and here he is, by your side, despite the fact you are giving him hell for something he had every right to do! He deserves a LOT of credit.
Next time you don't want your boyfriend sleeping with someone else, try NOT DUMPING HIM. It works! | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 12:40:53 AM | | It's sad to hear that at a time in both your lives you should be overjoyed to have a healthy child instead of having to focus on the issues that happened before you gave birth. While your situation is not uncommon there are many factors you need to sort through. Is he planning on being with you for the long term? Is he trustworthy, dependable and mature to stick around when things get rough? Are you prepared to be a single mom? These are just a few things to be considered but you need to find a way to clear your mind of the things that he did when he wasn't involved with you. A man is going to do what a man wants to do when he is free and single no matter what we women think they should do. | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 3:37:29 AM | I'm guessing when you "broke up" what you really tried to do was push him away and try and manipulate his behavior to something more acceptable to you... but it kind of back-fired.
Accept some of what was your part during that time and do yourself a favor and forgive and move past it.
You're hormonal now (and probably were during your pregnancy, too) so huge mood swings are perfectly normal. Focus on the good days.
Count your blessings you have a guy that is willing to be there for your child -- and you.
Hang in there. | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 4:13:22 AM |
each time I said I was going to find someone else he got insanely jealous.
Be proactive, not reactive.
Don't say things that you don't mean and that don't lend to a solution or keeping things positive.
Choose your words wisely in those situations. | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 4:27:42 AM | Stop being selfish. Your new baby should be your number one priority, not the high school "OMG is he going to be my boyfriend ever again" stuff you seem to be fixated on.
The fact that he's bonded with your son is awesome. Don't mess up his relationship with the baby by complicating it with this drama. | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 4:41:12 AM | message 8...
Jac, she nailed it.
Don't take some of the harsher stuff written here to hard. He could be a great guy needing something to get his focus correct. Now he has a son! If you do move forward you BETTER address and let go what has happened in the past, or it will gnaw at you and destroy anything you build.
But as some one else said, not enough info to truly tell you what to do. Are you with this guy because you have to be?
Can you care for your son without him?
What options do you have? | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 6:28:56 AM | The most important thing is the baby has two parents that love and care for it......whether they are together or not. Put the baby first and the relationship with the father with sort itself out.
It is hard to get a lifetime commitment from a young boy so don't count on it. | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 6:34:47 AM | You guys are starting this really, really bad. You guys are going to do nothing but resent each other, at some point the sex is going to disappear, either because the baby is going to be the excuse, for you or for him, and then you are going to hate each other and feel tied to the baby.
I really recommend that you two see a counselor. YOu could turn this into the most beautiful time of your life, but only if you take that step right now. | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 6:38:41 AM |
Sometimes I think I want to leave him for good, other times I just want to forget everything and move on. Has anyone else been through anything like this? What was the outcome?
Reminds me of my ex who is pregnant with her third child right now and still with a profession BS who hasnt had a job in his life and cheated on her twice as well when she was pregnant.
So I'll tell you the exact same thing that I told her (and she is STILL with the guy; people are just freakin stupid that way sometimes).
And what I told her was: " I'm surprised this relationship still existed the MINUTE you found out he cheated on you twice, regardless of the fact you were supposedly on "break"".
There.
'nuff said.
Get your act together, dudette. I'm sure you can do better. | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 7:00:24 AM | Congratulations on being an unwed mother. I am sure that and having a mother who constantly waffles the way you do regarding her own child's longer-term best interests will serve this kid well as an example of what not to do when he becomes old enough to father his own love child. At this point daddy seems a whole lot more committed than you are.
What was the outcome for other people in a similar situation? It depends on the decisions they made. And the decisions they made depend on the quality of their thoughts. So far all I see from you is not being real clear on how you got yourself into this situation and why your life is not like a perpetual honeymoon with your boyfriend. | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 7:14:46 AM | Focus on your child.
The best thing for a child is to have a relationship with 2 parents if possible.
Get your plan in action for being able to support financially and emotionally your child's needs.
You got pregnant and need to grow up now.
I hope you have a support system in your family to encourage you to make rational decisions about education and being self reliant as much as possible.
If not, make friends that will.
Do not hold on to resentments. | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 7:15:29 AM | Sorry, there was not enough information in the first post. We starting having arguments and his reasoning was always fear of what was to come. At about 12 weeks I moved back home for financial reasons, I am a cashier and was no longer making enough money to cover everything we would need and have enough money left over over to make ends meet, so I moved and he got a raise and stayed where he was with our room mate. I did not dump him or make empty threats.
During these "breaks" in our relationship we had had an argument and I had told him I needed space to clear my head and mull things over for a few days, not that I was breaking up with him or that it was over. One of these times my mother had treated me to a trip to Myrtle beach and the phone calls and texts harassing me about minor things had gotten so bad I turned my phone off for a few days and stashed it in my suitcase so I could enjoy a few days of my vacation. I had told him before I did that to take a few days, think about where we are going and if he wanted to be like this once the baby was here.
A few weeks after I got back toward the end of April he started coming around more, but he still just was not acting like himself. We started hanging out again and he was trying to patch up the fighting and the bad feelings. One of the girls had found him on facebook, and thus found me, and told me everything. I confronted him about it and broke down in tears and told me the whole story. We did not talk for a few more days after this.
When we finally sat down to talk I asked him how would he have felt if he were in my shoes and if I had gone out to find a another man to occupy my time when things had gotten really rough. His explanation was that he was scared about becoming a father and did something stupid.
He has been trying to make it work, but that transgression is always in the back of my head.
My son does come first, which is why he is even around at all, I have a wonderful step father but having my biological father in and out of my life really hurt when I was young.
I have tried to approach everything neutrally and think with a clear head and try and 'walk a mile in his shoes' so to speak. Yet, I can never justify to myself sleeping with someone else as a way to take out aggression or to deal with fear. Our child is well cared for, and has everything he needs and always has.
I am just entirely sure what the outcome of our relationship will be, and wanted to see if anyone else had a similar experience or insight. I am fairly young, 20 and he is 21.
We have spent hours talking it over and trying to find closure to those events but I can't push it out of my mind. Like I said before some days I can be around him and enjoy myself, buy others just seeing him makes me hurt and angry. | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 7:21:54 AM | | OP, are you now living with your mom and step-dad? Are they supporting you and your child? | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 7:32:08 AM | | No, I just live here. I pay for mine and my childs way, I had time enough to save money to make sure I had everything covered before I went back to work. I only moved back in because everything had gotten too expensive and I needed relief from the rent I was paying. As soon as I am back to work I will be finding another apartment. His diapers, formula, wipes clothes, my food, toiletries and anything else are 100% paid for by me. The very most I have had to borrow is a 20. I get disability payments of 60% through my leave to cover my share, and I have managed to save up a 1500$ down payment on a new car, and after I get my next few checks, and the first few actual paychecks when I return I should be in a spot to move back out. My parents have not bought anything for the baby at all, I have managed to provide everything. His father has purchased a few packs of diapers and some clothes but everything else has come out of my pocket. | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 7:38:09 AM | Your focus should be on your child the number one priority...
A child needs both parents if at all possible...
Always remember that the father has just as much rights to the child as you do....
The child's father shall always be a part of your life if your togather or not.....
Relationships are like roller coaster love/hate ... especially at your age..
You need to get some education, schooling, a job... so you can be independent, and support your child..
People create there own drama.... best of luck,,, | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 7:50:22 AM | I'd recommend you stay with your parents. Having them there will be easier on you and better for your child.
Work out some child support arrangements with the baby's father ASAP. Be reasonable, but make it happen.
And rethink purchasing a new car right now. That's probably not the best use of your limited finances right now.
Sorry for the unsolicited advice, but I'm both a parent and grandparent and this is what I would tell them if they were in your shoes. | |
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Posted: 7/27/2012 7:54:46 AM | See you can't ignore a person for a long period of time, and expect them not to assume the worst. Which is why communication is very important whether it is good or bad. At least even if the feedback is negative a person knows where you stand and isn't left to guess or assume. Likewise, he needs to be more mature and realize you needed some space to yourself. You both have a lot of growing up to do.
In my opinion is that if you can't learn to forgive and forget, that this relationship is heading no where. He didn't trust you when you ignored him for days, so he assumed you broke up with him and moved on. You don't trust him because you assumed he would always be at your side.
Many women assume that a child or marriage can be used as leverage for a relationship, but it rarely works that way. You have to communicate, and take a leap of faith, because there is no easy answer. Is it risky to trust him again? Maybe, but if you genuinely want to make it work that is one of your choices. | |
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