| | Should I or Shouldn't IPage 1 of 2 (1, 2) | So I always find myself saying to myself Should I or Shouldn't I be friends with my ex gf.... We both have a son who is now 19 yrs old, who stopped talking to me pretty much at all when he was 14 or 15. When he does talk I am not sure whether it's the real deal or just a made up story. I think he got that trait from her.
About a month or two ago I visited him in a town about 2 hours away. His mother and I chatted and actually got along great. It was sorta arranged that my son and I would chill out for the day. It never happened. Instead I hung out with my ex and her other two kids.
So I find myself thinking should I be FB friends or not, or even friends at all. We both left each other on sorta shaky ground and all throughout the past years I've never heard her say I'm sorry for yelling at you, etc etc... making trouble.
I could through more in but I think POF would limit my pages :)
So good idea to be FB friends only or ??? BTW she has been married and is now a same sex relationship. | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 5:54:15 AM | When he does talk I am not sure whether it's the real deal or just a made up story. I think he got that trait from her.
Since Facebook is full of friends who aren't the real deal, then what do you have to lose by friending her?
I've never heard her say I'm sorry for yelling at you, etc etc...
Could be your next update. Or, if she starts YELLING AT YOU again think of the satisfaction you'll get by unfriending her without warning. You'll show *her*... :pumps fist:
Oh by the way, what did she yell at you about, not knowing how to make a decision? | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 6:02:06 AM | You're 38 and worrying about Facebook and all its associated drama????
Good grief,man...............stay in friendly contact with your ex but move on with your own life. | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 6:06:36 AM | Is they information you don't want her to see? then no
If you don't care, then why not?
You might want to ask your son's opinion, just in case he has some strong feeling about it? | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 6:17:16 AM | FB=FaceBook or FB Friends with Benefits?
Doesn't matter. So you have a son that has been having problems for the last 5 years & your biggest concern is if you should be FB(?) friends with his mother? WTF! No wonder kids or all messed up, they get it from selfish parents like you two who have their heads up their arse. | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 6:20:22 AM | So let me take this in. You have a son. You are not married or ever were married to the mother. You want to spend time with the son? Or the ex gf? I am confused.
What was your presence to this boy as he was growing up?
Did you spent time with him?
So you ended up hanging with the ex and her two kids, which I guess are not yours?
This doesn't make much sense. | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 6:26:29 AM | ^^^^^^Agree. Forget stupid Facebook and your ex-wife and concentrate on repairing the relationship you don't have with your son.
I'm not sure why you didn't spend the day "chilling" with your son as you had planned, but you should have put your foot down and insisted he spend time with you, even if he balked at it. Kids will do that, even when they want you to do the opposite. If he disappeared before even seeing you, you should have tracked him down.
You need to show him you really care, not shrug your shoulders and let him off so easily....if that's what happened. Even though he's 19, he's still really still a kid. You should have tracked him down and spent time with him, not with his mother and step-siblings. | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 6:48:04 AM |
When he does talk I am not sure whether it's the real deal or just a made up story. I think he got that trait from her.
I think what you're implying here is that your ex is a liar? If that's the case, those don't generally make the best of friends...
There is a reason that your son doesn't talk to you and it has NOTHING to do with your ex.
I think you need to own up to that and try to make things right with him... apologize for your lack of parenting him in the same way you were hoping your ex would apologize for yelling at you.
Why did you not have joint custody? I don't understand that... | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 6:48:57 AM | | wow and they say women loves drama? time to grow up will she is your ex leave it in the past unless you like the drama. | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 7:00:35 AM | There is an ancient phrase, often said, but not as often correctly understood, that one ought to try to "be the bigger man" about things.
I believe that what it best means, is that one can take the larger, more inclusive view of all things in life, such that the most important, long term, and grandest ideals, can be supported overall, despite their apparently being damaged or attacked in small moments.
In this case, it means that your genuine love for your own child is the grander ideal, which should rise above and beyond all petty details, such as Facebook falderal, and times when he mistakenly feels he must reject you. He is young. Allow him his mistakes, and care about him in spite of them. Suffer the "slings and arrows" of Facebook nonsense, and vengeful actions taken by angry people who wish you and/or him ill. If a game must be played on the smaller fields, such as having a Facebook link with someone you'd as soon leave in the dumpster, in order to serve the larger goal of caring for your child, so be it. Play nice with people you dislike, in order to achieve the best for those you love. | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 7:01:26 AM | :)
I have tried to be FB with my son and as a father and son should be friends. There never is any conversation back from him. I never get a birthday card, fathers day card, no aknowlement at all of anything. I would send him cards in the mail etc... I've sorta picked up on him and have since stopped.
I maybe didn't say: Years ago when he would come down he would tell me stories about what was going on... His grades in school dropped, then the stories would be constant lies, and then he dropped out of school. He would tel me he was getting A's B's and having access to his grades I would let him know that wasn't the real deal. Now he has gotten into drugs etc.. There's nothing I can do to change my son. He, or someone else, has made his own future. | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 7:02:21 AM | Who knows why she yelled at me. It was like we were never a match ya know.
Tricks were pulled, she made trouble for me... | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 7:06:42 AM | Outmind,
I live about an hr or so away from my son. He would come down every weekend or eveyr other weekend, including fri. Hey I spend all the time I could with him. All of a sudden at the age of 14 or 15, he stopped coming down, the lying started, he more or less dropped out of school. Even though we are both father and son it was like we were sorta best buddys. Never did he call me dad... never.
When I went to visit he came up with a story that he had to work, so the meetup between my son and I was about 5 min. He went his way .... being 19 I figured it was his decision. His mother then looked at me and called me saying I think I owe it to you for your son being so mean knowing your coming down ... So we went mini golfing with her two daughters .. who are not mine. | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 7:12:38 AM | Thanks...
That's the thing here. I dont know who I am talking to sometimes. I mean if his mother has set him up for the conversation or if it's from his heart.
I've reminded him he can always visit me, I would pay for it (20 bucks or so), or I could see him. He never either acklowdges or he just doesn't come down. Thats sorta the stalemate I'm in or have been. | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 7:30:20 AM | Did you ever all live together as a family? and if so, at what age was he when you moved out?
It just seems really odd that he never called you Dad and you saw yourself as "best buddys". | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 9:15:18 AM | | Never ever be friends with an ex on FB-even if you are friendly in real life. Very bad idea. | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 9:23:27 AM | Does your son have a good relationship with his mom? If so, it might help to repair things if he sees you being open and respectful with her. That doesn't mean you have to be 'friends' (Fb or otherwise), maybe just parents.. that does require talking and seeing each other on occasion after all.
As for apologies.. many times they come out when and if needed, generally not when demanded. | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 9:40:57 AM |
I could through more in but I think POF would limit my pages :)
So good idea to be FB friends only or ??? BTW she has been married and is now a same sex relationship.
I really think there is a market for Facebook condoms.  | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 10:07:43 AM | the more i read, the more disturbed i got about this situation.
my advice is: you need to work on having a relationship with your son! whatever sacrifice it takes, for whatever kind of relationship/help you can give him.
never mind your ex. i don't know what being "friends" with her in any way has to do with it.
even though it was a legal divorce - your separation from your son and his mother was quite like a divorce. that is how it felt to him and no matter what age, divorce affects young people.
puberty has a lot of problems as it is, so your son stopped talking to you and your response was to do the same!
i know from experience it is NOT easy, but you must be the adult here and continue to love and try to communicate with him for HIS sake.
now he is taking drugs..he's clearly in pain. get to know him as a person.
btw, lying isn't a "trait" that you get from someone. i hope you've never said this in his presence. lying is a learned behavior. your son choses to lie - don't let him think he "inherited" that and that it can't be unlearned.
seems to me that your son is falling between the cracks here while you're wondering what went wrong with your relationship with the ex, whether she will apologize, etc. sheesh..do you think you have a chance of getting back together with her?? is that what this is about? she is married to another woman. i think that ship has sailed. forgetaboutit.
forget about fb - unless it is to communicate solely with your son. | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 10:34:15 AM | | I'm not sure what FB friends even means, if it means anything at all... it wouldn't to me. As far as you two being friends, only you can answer that. | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 10:36:59 AM |
There's nothing I can do to change my son.
All you can do is love him, and pray/hope for the best. | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 10:47:18 AM | There's a saying where I come from:
"One flower does not equal spring."
You hung out with the woman one time and were decent to each other.
Leave it at that, at least for now. | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 11:33:18 AM | I have to reply to this one.
OP, you say you two were buddies and that he visited you at least every weekend or every other weekend and then he quit talking to you at the age of about 14. You say he tells stories and lies and his grades dropped and then he dropped out of school and started doing drugs, etc.
Well, OP, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU BOTHER TO DO ABOUT ALL THIS??????
Maybe the problem is that you tried to be friends with your child instead of being the PARENT!!!!!!
Did you bother to do anything about his falling grades, such as hire a tutor or talk to his teachers or help him with his homework?????
Did you try punishing him whenever he told stories or lied??????
Did you do anything to try and prevent him from dropping out of school while he was still a minor?????
Did you try to get him into therapy or rehab or anything at all when he started doing drugs????
My guess is NO you didnt do a damn thing to be a parent and I bet you just sit back and blame his mom for EVERYTHING including the break up of your relationship with her instead of owning up to your part in all this also. You probably also say its all her fault he turned out the way he did because she had custody but yet he visited you quite a bit also. It doesnt matter which parent has residential custody, BOTH parents are responsible for their children and need to be a PARENT NOT A FRIEND!!!! | |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I
Posted: 7/29/2012 11:35:03 AM | Msg's 12, 13, 14, 15:
I'm not sure I've ever read such pathetic crap from a poster on POF.
Your initial post was about whether to become FB "friends" with the woman who gave birth to your donation.
I feel so sorry for that young man. I only hope he becomes HALF the "man" you should be. | |
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