| | Am I being way too nice?!Page 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | Ok, so I am a pretty new member (only been on a week or so). I've gotten a few preemptive responses from women asking to initiate a conversation. It seems like most people on here just won't reply to advances from a potential partner if they aren't seeing any connection. I have a pretty hard time ignoring people and think they deserve an honest reply. Usually I tell them I am flattered in their interest, but do not feel any sort of connection. I then wish them luck and send them on their way.
This has backfired twice pretty horribly.. One girl wanted me to tell her everything that was wrong with her and tell her what she could change about herself to "get a man of my caliber". There is no way I could spell out the flaws of a person like that even if they were really serious about it.
The second woman got furious and told me to "shove it up my a**.
Am I in the wrong here for trying to do right by women or should I be a jerk and ignore them when they express interest in me? | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/29/2012 11:47:23 PM | | It's best to simply not respond to emails of people you are not interested in. I never understood why women didnt respond with a no thank you until I started responding back to women who I wasnt interested in. They get just as rude and insulting as men do. | |
|
| |
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 12:10:43 AM | I applaud you for being honest to them on why you are looking for someone else. One problem though is that it needs to be constructive criticism to be effective otherwise you will do nothing for the person and possibly degrade them(and I am sure you do not want that). This should not be a problem if you give each of your potentials an honest try.
I hope you continue to do that despite the negative responses you got as it is their own fault for not realizing that the oppertunity you have given them to learn from their mistakes. Also you need to realize that many people cannot handle constructive critcism. | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 1:42:41 AM | Women actually do this mess too? I've seen them complain about the same crap in our inbox exchanges. I guess its just a POF thing.
If I were you OP...I'd be flattered and move on. Do yourself a favor though and don't respond to women who you are not interested in. Trust me when I Say that you will get the same amount of courtesy from them if they lack interest in you.
I respect that you have manners (as do I), but you are going to have to break a rule or two here, or you'll drive yourself crazy. | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 1:49:15 AM | | Thanks for all the advice. I'll do myself a favor and not respond anymore. It will save me from unwanted drama and prevent exacerbating any hurt feelings. | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 2:56:31 AM | | Having been on here a short while, in time you will soon not have this problem, but you will be back with the inevitable, "How do I get a response" question. Just because you are not interested, doesn't justify that you must be mean. Your responses seem fine, and if you get negativity back or something similar, you don't have to respond to that or even let it bother you. | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 3:31:19 AM |
should I be a jerk and ignore them when they express interest in me
I'd just do that.
I've also had people reply back negatively, lots of people have blocked me, one said I was trying to hide something (when I clearly say on my profile that i'm just here for forums)...
I just take it with a grain of salt though, and honestly..just reply however you want to..either way, you'll never please everyone.. | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 4:48:09 AM | | No reply is a reply. When someone is interested, they will reply. If not, they're not interested. This is how it goes in online dating. You've seen firsthand why many people don't reply when they're not interested (me included). | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 4:57:46 AM | All I have to say is that when it comes to dating here...present company excluded of course...this is the land of misfit toys...proceed with extreme caution.
There are more damaged goods in here than a glassware shop on a earthquake fault line. | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 5:40:51 AM | I used to do the same thing when I first signed up on here (that was about 7 years ago). But I had the same experience as you with nasty responses.
You can either choose to ignore emails you're not interested in pursuing or do as others and send a "no thank you" then block. | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 5:46:18 AM | I do it your way, but no response is also okay.
If they tell you off, that's not backfiring. That's just a reassurance that they are not mentally stable, and gives you more information. Block is your friend.
Good luck out there! | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 5:59:18 AM | Yes, women do it too.
One time, I told a woman about 10 years my senior who contacted me that she was out of my age range. She responded with an angry diatribe. So I just hit the block button.
Now I tell them that I'm only here for the forums and I'm not looking, that doesn't always sit well either. | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 6:01:40 AM | Well, the good news about their negative responses is at least you now know your instincts were correct - no need to go back and reconsider them, eh?
Sometimes people will just confirm your suspicions with their behavior, or you'll get a bigger picture of how they are by such a response. Just makes moving on feel less guilt-ridden. There's no 'maybe' to this situation - it's a definite "Yes, I made the right choice".
But this is part of online dating - people are easily offended, bruised, and often skittish. You'll come across all of it, and half the time you won't understand what happened. But there will be some you like, get along with, and even date. In the end, you only need one person.
Good luck!
:) | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 7:13:50 AM | Enjoy the attention while it lasts, oh newby.
Just as doing what's "nice" is irrelevant (also possibly irritating and/or dangerous) at a four-way -stop...
your niceness or lack of it is irrelevant to the issue of compulsively answering all mail you get whether paper junk mail; spam email; or unsolicited POF mail.
If you pick up the phone and it's a telemarketer, are you "nice"? What if they want to talk, and you don't? Do you question yourself if they get rude when you try to hang up? Same principle. | |
|
Eire75
| | Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 16 | |
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 7:17:24 AM | | I used to approach things the same way you do, OP, but I changed that up a bit because some people are just needlessly rude. Now, I just don't reply if I'm not interested. I figure that, as others have said, no response is a response. I don't generally like being rude, but inviting unneeded drama isn't good either. | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 7:28:41 AM | In terms of answering emails, do what you want. Most people who have been here for any length of time have made the shame shocking discovery you did, and that's why they started ignoring emails from the people they're not interested in.
If "doing the right thing" is uber important to you, then you also have to accept the freakishness that will occasionally land in your inbox. Block and move on. Pretty simple. | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 7:36:55 AM | Seems these days women want the bad boy type you know jerks.
It does not get you anywhere being nice.Most women have the im so great attitude.
You do seem like a nice guy.Hope you find the right girl. | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 8:09:10 AM | | because vestaceres he letting them down genly instead being rude or sharp. poster you can be too nice, women in spite of what they say dont chase nice guys/chase the barstewards try to change them(wake up call they cant).dont change be yourself(not easy path, hopefully you find a diamond in the dung heap lol (they are few in number but still around) | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 10:21:36 AM | | Ignoring unwanted contacts is not being a jerk, and answering everyone is not doing the right thing. Why not try being yourself instead of following some script and decide case-by-case. | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 10:53:57 AM | | I've had a few messages from guys that I wasn't interested in and rather than just leave them hanging there, I replied with a "Thank you, but I'm sorry, I'm not interested". I have never gotten an angry message back. | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 11:13:03 AM |
If you pick up the phone and it's a telemarketer, are you "nice"? What if they want to talk, and you don't? Do you question yourself if they get rude when you try to hang up? Same principle.
Not the same principle for two reasons: one, the op being messaged is intrested in a relationship while someone being called by a telemarketer may not even be intrested in any product at all and so does not answer. Two, even if you assume the person being called is actually intrested in products, there is no learning experience to be had for the telemarketer unlike the person on pof being refused. | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 11:35:16 AM | Well OP, welcome to the new "america" where people take out their mental issues on someone who tells it like it is.
It's called entitlement. They feel you MUST respond to their liking or be damned !
Very attractive...isn't it ?
The liberal goverment is now the culture in this country. Gimme this gimmie that...where are "my" handouts they say. That attitude carries into their personal lives.
I experienced this in person at a restaurant/bar where I gal got angry at me for not wanting to kiss her (just met her 40 minutes prior). Her friend and mine got along great. Guess she was jealous. So as not to ruin it for our friends I temporarily left and came back later. Bitterness eats from the inside out. Poor gal. So OP, consider yourself lucky you only had to deal with a virtual response v. in person.
Talk about discrimination. She obviously expected me to "get with" her since that's what guys apparently do in her mind. Sick.
OP, the responses you've gotten are much more common than one may initially think. Be careful who you meet in person. Some real gems out there... | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 11:41:12 AM |
The liberal goverment is now the culture in this country. Gimme this gimmie that...where are "my" handouts they say. That attitude carries into their personal lives.
I doubt that has much to do with a scenario on a dating site that predates the current administration, but amen. | |
|
| Am I being way too nice?!
Posted: 7/30/2012 12:42:35 PM | OP, I think being kind and sending a response is common courtesy.
My approach, I don't respond to all the messages thinking they are interested in having a relationship, I usually send a friendly hi, thanks, or answer their question. If they have taken the time to read my profile and write me than I should reciprocate. It's called manners. This approach I have never received a negative response and in fact have had some interesting and fun conversations. The only ones I never respond to are the "hi" & "hey" messages. | |
|
Home
login 
