| | Should I just stay out of it?Page 1 of 1 | Sorry if this is the wrong spot but seams to fit.
A very good friend of mine just started dating this guy about 2-3months ago. I know him from years ago along with a bunch of other friends. Back then he was a real jerk. Everyone has tried to warn her of what he was/is like I try to give people the benefit of the doubt that time can change them, and i would reserve my opinion to a latter date. Well that latter date came the other night. I was helping her with something and he had to pick her up at my place. Not uncommon at all for us to be hanging out. We are and have only been friends for a very loong time more like a brother and sister type relationship. Some people that dont know us think we are brother and sister at first the way we act.
I had not seen him in about 15 years he showed up at my place it was raining. He didnt get out of the car but honked the horn. Strike 1. She had a few bags with her so i took the bags and walked her to the car. At this point he barked at her to put quote"her crap in the trunk". Strike 2. I walk around put the bags in the trunk walk over to shake his hand and say "hi been along time how you been." He kinda shakes my hand and mumbles something under his breath. Fine you dont have to like me i could care less. My friend asks her boy friend "how you doing" he barks back with "Im fing tired and want to eat get in the car". Strike 3. My opinion is now formed hes still the same as he was years ago.
She was at my place again last night so i could finish helping her with what see needed done. She knew i was pissed about the night before. We talked I was wating for her to make excuses for him but she didnt. She was ****ing him out before they were even out of my driveway. She apologize for the way he acted which doesnt really mean squat to me. I told her straight up that he is not good for her im more affriad that he is going to hurt her in some way mentally if he already hasnt or physically he seams like the type. She is a great girl and deserves a great guy that will treat her right. I know she is crazy and head over heels for him and he does seem to make her happy how i dont know. Ive said my piece to her and just hopes she takes it to heart and really thinks about it but i think she is blind because of her feelings.
Am I or was I out of line? or is there anything else i can do? | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/2/2012 3:25:41 PM | | I learned to stay out of these deals. Where I agree with you 100% it is her who will need to figure this out on her own. | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/2/2012 3:31:04 PM | I think that you need to stay out of her business, if you don't like the guy then take it up with him. I wouldn't let a guy be rude to me then tell one of my girl friends to get in the car without me saying something to him but that's just me. She knows how you feel about him now let her learn from her own mistakes and be there for her when/if she falls.
You brought out her stuff to his car to say hi, I know you won't admit it but I'm thinking you want her but along the way ended up in the eternal bff zone. Now you have to listen to her boy problems, stay out of it she's a big girl. | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/2/2012 3:36:10 PM | | Been there done that with both female and male friends - hey I'm not her so I'd never put up with that crap, but until she's sick of it - there's not much you can do - outside of asking her not to discuss him with you so at least you're not frustrated hearing about it. Enjoy the time you spend with her and block out the rest. | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/2/2012 4:04:00 PM | If you want to keep her as a friend, then bite your tongue your opinion doesn't matter to her at all...
The only thing that you can do is not to discuss her relationship with her.... He is someone that she wants in her life................. it is her decision she is an adult............ so back off and keep quiet... best of luck | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/2/2012 4:08:33 PM | You said your piece.
Now let it go.
You may seem jealous to her if you keep going on about it.
(are you?)
Irregardless...
He does sound like a jerk.
She probably will get hurt.
and she may well find another one even worse
when it does tank.
Tis how the world turns. | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/2/2012 4:14:54 PM | I think that you need to stay out of her business, if you don't like the guy then take it up with him. I wouldn't let a guy be rude to me then tell one of my girl friends to get in the car without me saying something to him but that's just me. She knows how you feel about him now let her learn from her own mistakes and be there for her when/if she falls.
You brought out her stuff to his car to say hi, I know you won't admit it but I'm thinking you want her but along the way ended up in the eternal bff zone. Now you have to listen to her boy problems, stay out of it she's a big girl.
Nope i have no interest in her in that way at all never have never will. If I did I would have made a move on her 10+ years ago when we first met. The reason I brought the stuff to the car is she was wearing heels it was raining dark and I have a gravel driveway.
I was going to say something to him but i really was in no mood for an altercation that night.
Been there done that with both female and male friends - hey I'm not her so I'd never put up with that crap, but until she's sick of it - there's not much you can do - outside of asking her not to discuss him with you so at least you're not frustrated hearing about it. Enjoy the time you spend with her and block out the rest.
See that right there is the odd part she has never put up with any crap from anyone thats why im shocked by this one. Ive seen her kick guys to the curb for a lot less. She just keeps saying that he learns everytime he does something wrong. Im like what the hell is he a puppy.
I know theres not much i can do just hope it runs its course and there is no damage done. A group of already said that if it does last and they end up getting married were just going to show up to object when they ask it in the cermony. Yeah we all know its a long shot and it wont get to that point but it was ment more as a joke.
I guess I just needed a place to vent and maybe get some insight.
And just so its clear the only reason she was at my house was so i could fix her car which ive done in the past but got into the job and needed parts and the stores were closed thats the only reason why he had to pick her up. | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/2/2012 5:44:41 PM | OP unless your friend is a child or has the mind of a child and you are her guardian it really is up to her to make up her own mind about this fellow. Are you being protective or a bit of a control freak about this because you have unresolved romantic interests in this woman.
I had not seen him in about 15 years
Since you are now 31 and if I assume this fellow is about the same age as you are you telling me you are basing your opinion of him based on when you were both ( under the age of 16 ) adolescents?
Could it be that this fellow was short with you and your friends because your female friend has already told him that you do not approve of him based on the past and maybe you were giving him the look when you met.
If you want to keep your female friend as a friend my advice is to butt out. | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/2/2012 6:01:39 PM | No i have no feelings for her other then friendship never have never will. Ive watched her date other guys without problems some its to bad it didnt work out they were nice guys.
<div class="quote"> Since you are now 31 and if I assume this fellow is about the same age as you are you telling me you are basing your opinion of him based on when you were both ( under the age of 16 ) adolescents?
Yes that is correct back then he was always the one that thought he could fight everyone and he always thought he was better. What i should say is i have not really seen him but have ran into him from time to time at bars and such. We were never friends he just always kinda of hung around with us. All of our mutual friends still thought he was like that when she started dating him. If you re-read my original post i said i gave him the benifit of the doubt that time and age could change a person. He proved the other night it couldnt. She even told him that i was willing to give him a chance to prove this. Last night when we were talking she told me that was one of the first things she told him as they were leaving on Tuesday night that he blew his only chance to prove he had changed to someone whos opinion matters to her.
If he had just gotten out of the car walked to the door held his hand out to shake mine and say hi and maybe shoot the bull for a few id have no problem and this thread would not exist. I know this sounds like im trying to play daddy here but im not, but she is like the sister i never had so yeah i do watch out for here a little. | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/2/2012 7:54:28 PM | | If I remember correctly a good many of the guys I knew as a teenager were jerks ( from the perspective of an old guy ) in thier early teens when thier hormones were running amuk ... surprisingly enough many of them turned out to be good guys once they grew up even some of the ones who have tattoos, ride Harley's and like to try to look like a bad azz. | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/2/2012 7:56:56 PM | | In the end, she is going to do what she wants to do. You have to let her come to her own realizations because the only person who can change her, is herself. | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/3/2012 6:43:42 AM | If she asks tell her the truth, he is just as big an A-hole as you remembered.
Then tell her that unless she wants to date you, there is no reason for her to be hanging around you so much. | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/3/2012 1:08:28 PM |
If I remember correctly a good many of the guys I knew as a teenager were jerks ( from the perspective of an old guy ) in thier early teens when thier hormones were running amuk ... surprisingly enough many of them turned out to be good guys once they grew up even some of the ones who have tattoos, ride Harley's and like to try to look like a bad azz.
I agree with this 100% that is why i did not pass judgement on him when she told me who she was dating. I just told her what he used to be like, knowing people can and do change. I was really hoping he did. Again if he delt with the whole situation different the other night as simple as it sounds a hand shake and a hey thanks for taking care of her car, ould have been fine with me but he still acted like he was 16. I dont really care what he thinks of me or how he acts to me but the way he barked at her is what set me off. | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/3/2012 1:14:36 PM |
If she asks tell her the truth, he is just as big an A-hole as you remembered.
Then tell her that unless she wants to date you, there is no reason for her to be hanging around you so much.
Oh i already told her what i think and she knew it was coming as soon as she walked in to pick up her car.
I have said my piece she knows what i think and in the end it is up to her. Do i support her in this no not really i know he makes her happy how i dont know dont really care.
We really dont hang around together that much maybe one night a week we will grab a drink catch up that type of stuff or if a mutual friend is having a party we would go together. Time to time we will stop by each others palces just to shoot the bull and catch up. Somethime we will go weeks without seeing eachother butstill talk and text during the week. | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/3/2012 1:55:07 PM | | Being put in this situation is never easy to deal with. You state that you are a friend to her and friends help friends out with many things including talking to them about someone they are dating. She knows how you feel about this man but she eventually is the only one who has to decide sooner or later if she should really be with him or not. She must have blinders on right now to let a man talk to her the way you described his behavior. She sounds like a pushover with this man, and if this is such he knows it. I would recommend that you continue to be the friend to her that you have always been and when things go awry with their relationship you can help her deal with everything after the fallout. | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/3/2012 2:07:43 PM | | I agree with what everyone is saying here. What can you do? If she likes jerks then it's not your problem. Even though you care for her and don't like seeing her treated this way, there's not much you can do to change things | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/3/2012 3:54:19 PM | | she is VERY fortunate to have a friend like you! I hope she realizes this. The more credit she gives you for sincerely caring about her, the more receptive she will be to hearing you out and the quicker she'll get out of denial/over her blind spots | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/4/2012 10:26:43 AM | She was w*h*a*t*ing him out before they were even out of your driveway?
You spoke your piece. It would seem your own relationship with her would allow that. Now you’re done! She’ll make up her own mind whatever else you might have to say about it. Don’t damage your own relationship! | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/4/2012 11:56:51 AM | Ha had no idea the site would censor that but it was b/i/t/i/c/h/ing him out.
Yeap said my peice im going to leave it be. | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/4/2012 12:57:33 PM | | The worst thing you can do is criticize the guy. She will defend him in return and you'll build a wedge between the two of you. | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/4/2012 1:16:15 PM |
The worst thing you can do is criticize the guy. She will defend him in return and you'll build a wedge between the two of you.
I realize this thats why im now staying out of it. I have asked her once or twice what he brings to the table for her and she cant give me a straight answer which i find odd. She asked me about the girl that i have now been on a few dates with and what she brings to the table and im able to give her good reasons why i like her.
I dont know i just hope the relationship runs its course and they move on but who really knows besides them. | |
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| Should I just stay out of it?
Posted: 8/4/2012 2:58:05 PM | The woman's self esteem isn't very high or she wouldn't be with a creep. I've been there as well.
I went 10 years without seeing anyone after being involved with a jerk. Hopefully she's not one of those who thinks it's better to be with someone who's a bonehead than to be alone. | |
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