| | How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?Page 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | My daughter is now almost 4 years old and her father has only met her twice. The last time we saw him she was 3 weeks old. Is it crazy I actually remember the day March 19th 2009. We had been together for two years and we were in love at one point in time. When we found out I was pregnant he said "Abort or I am gone"! I said "adios". I personally I feel abortion is not a form of birth control and I was given her for a reason.
Needless to say he is gone, and now she is at the point where she is starting to understand most children have a father. She asks me questions as to why she doesn't have a daddy. I just tell her some children have mommys and daddys and others have just a mommy or a daddy. I don't know how to address it in away that I put my personal feelings about him first.
I resent him, he disgusts me, he turned his back on the most amazing little girl. How do you explain such a situation without being judgmental but being truthful. I don't ever want to lie to her and want her to make her own opinion of him without my judgement.
Any suggestions you could offer or personal experiances shared would be greatly appreacited. I am just so lost on where to go with this. | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/2/2012 4:38:04 PM | | I told my son "You do have a daddy and he loves you, he just can't be with us right now". I had to repeat this many many many times.. but he accepted it eventually. He would ask me where he is and I didn't know.. So I told him that. He would ask if he has our number. I would say I didn't know. Because it was better then saying yes, but he doesn't care enough to call you. He would ask if he knows where we live and I would say I don't know. Again because it's better then saying he doesn't care. You want your child to feel loved, not abandoned. And when your child grows up, you don't want her to harbor your resentment towards her father. She needs to come to her own conclusions about him, on her own terms. Whatever you do, whatever you say.. do NOT vent your frustration or anger to your child. She doesn't deserve it. | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/2/2012 4:51:44 PM | I am in the same situation with a son..and I can only tell you what I have done..
I have surrounded him with many people who love him. I know one day he will ask about his father, and thats completely normal. Right now, however, he is not lacking in any part of his life. He has a grandfather, uncles, cousins, and friends he can look up to for a male role model..I don't think there is any right way to handle this sort of thing...you cannot control what your child feels or thinks about missing an absent parent..You can only love them and make sure that they know that they have one FANTASTIC parent that LOVES them more than anything in the world.
Many good wishes your way.. | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/2/2012 5:06:07 PM | | As a fatherless child I was told he didn't want me.... That was enough. A good step dad will also help. However no matter how much I hate the man I still want to meet him. Who knows how many brothers and sisters I have that would be happy to know I exist? | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/2/2012 5:08:00 PM | My situation is something similar to yours. My son is 4 and has asked out of the blue before about his ''daddy''.
I've always answered honestly. Tonight in the car out of no where asks when can I see my daddy? I said I don't know son but mammy grew up without her daddy all her childhood and I still had a great time. He doesn't have any male role models as such. He idolises my brother even though my brother hasn't much time for him so I tell him other kids have daddies you have uncle (insert name)
He has asked before was I married to his daddy and I said no but we did love each other very much and I'm sure his daddy loves him just as much as I do.
Keep your answers honest and short. My son wouldn't benefit from having his dad put on a pedestal then later in life to be still let down. My mam avoided my questions because she couldn't bear my dads name to be mentioned in our house. I grew up knowing not to ask and I had this idea in my head about him. It couldn't have been further from the truth. I was let down with a bang!
Smexi | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/2/2012 5:15:10 PM | She is not fatherless, the father is just not with you. You have to leave your personal feelings out of it and tell her some positive things you remember about her Dad. There must be some thing nice to say because you stayed with him for two years.
Do you know any of his family? Even if he has distanced himself it does not mean his entire family wants nothing to do with your little girl. No child should have to shoulder your hurt and disappointment.
Her pediatrician can probably recommend the right books to help you explain family ties to her. | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/2/2012 5:18:17 PM | I would not talk bad about the father... will mess her up...
I suggest a group of others who are also single mothers so she can meet others with no dad...
there are plenty of kids like her.
It will also help you know what to best say.,... as the last thing you want to do is put it in her head of all the hate you feel for him. | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/2/2012 5:42:35 PM | Try to get past your resentment and anger. He gave you a choice to abort or parent alone. It may not have been a fair choice, and it may not have seemed like a choice to you due to your beliefs, but you did in fact make the choice to parent alone. So try to let go of those hurt feelings so your kiddo won't feel the tension everytime she says daddy.
And I don't know how to really answer how to help them cope. Mine are nearly 8&9 and are dealing with this now. Over time his visits gradually spaced apart so that now its only once every4-6 weeks. It's so hard for them to not know or to be cancelled on all the time. They are now getting to the point where they don't talk about him coming any more. Kinda like they don't have any expectations of him at this point. Not sure how to explain to them as they are old enough to know that the excuses he was giving were lies. Now he doesn't make excuses, he just ignores me when I ask if he's coming. So I don't have answers for them and the anger they feel is definitely getting expressed.
Anyone have a similar situation? | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/2/2012 7:05:47 PM | How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Honestly, with complete respect for the absent parent regardless of your emotions about him/her and in an age appropriate and timely manner.
The questions will keep coming as she compares her home environment to that of her peers - and often times the same question will be repeated. Children are naturally curious but if you listen, they give you lots of clues about what the next stage will be. Start getting your thoughts in order now, so you can answer the questions as they come and not be caught of guard trying to figure out what information is relevant and what isn't. And there is no harm, if you are put on the spot with a question you hadn't expected, in saying "I haven't thought about that. I need to consider that and figure it out. I'll let you know once I think I have the answer." No harm in that at all.
Not sure how to explain to them as they are old enough to know that the excuses he was giving were lies. Now he doesn't make excuses, he just ignores me when I ask if he's coming. So I don't have answers for them and the anger they feel is definitely getting expressed.
Anyone have a similar situation?
When I first split with my ex, he used to see the children. That gradually died away and now they haven't seen or heard anything from him for three years. They are 13 and almost 16 now. So, yes, I've had a similar situation.
You don't explain that the excuses are lies. That's not your place. They know but they are sitting in the middle of two parents and don't want to be disloyal to either of you. Say nothing in terms of trying to provide a definitive answer for someone else's motives but acknowledge their questions. The anger will get worse before it gets better. You already acknowledge that you don't have answers for them so simply state that. No need to comment that you can't understand his actions or relate to them. Certainly no need to say they will have to ask him because that has a negative tone. It's okay to say you simply don't know because you don't. You don't know what his reasons are. You don't relate or understand why he does this. Don't even try and guess and provide that as an answer to their questions.
My children rarely mention him now. Not even on their birthdays or Christmas which I do find sad but every so often, one will say, remembers when Dad did....I'm glad they have those memories and don't think he's the bad guy. | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/2/2012 7:20:07 PM | Calling her fatherless leaves no opportunity for the potential of the father having a conscience and deciding to reacquaint himself with his child. If the father appears the daughter may resent you for misleading her.
Why not be honest and say something like:
- He was young and not ready to be a father.
- He has some issues he needs to sort out. I don't know if he ever will sort them out
It's not meant to excuse his absence but it is meant to inform the child that she is not the fault for his absence. Kids blame themself for things like this - reassure her that she is not the fault for his absence. But never tell her she is fatherless | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/2/2012 8:00:29 PM | ^^^ Great advice from Stressfreesmiles. I agree with his approah.
Also, explain to her that families come in different variations.
Some have a Mom & Dad.
Some have a Mom.
Some have a Dad
Some have a Mom or Dad and a Step-Parent.
Some have a Mom and Dad that live in seperate homes (divorce, seperation)
Some may have 2 Moms or 2 Dads!
Some may be Grandparents, or adoptive parents.
And each family is a real, valid family. | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/2/2012 8:44:40 PM | | Import...I didn't mean to impy that I've told them he lies b/c I haven't needed to do that. The oldest has aspergers syndrome so he is very literal, very black/white, very smart and then tells the younger one his views. Only a year apart so she's not far behind him. But thier dad made the mistake of telling them he'd take them for happy meals at each visit. So they decided he breaks promises right from the beginning and have been pretty critical of what he says vs does. His excuses of no gas to come then the next day they go to school to talk to their cousin and find he went to the cousins house instead, which is right down the road. It just sucks since he was there at one point so they know how good he can be and now he's choosing not to. The last two sundays they didn't even ask if he was coming. They just asked yesterday if they could see grandma this sunday...no mention of dad. Today we're talking about maybe moving so they think of how he moved out and go off about how he breaks promises, but no mention of wanting to see him. I think with time he'll disappear completely. Kinda awkward since I still talk to his family. We both get invites to family events, they know I'll be the one to arrange for the kids to show. So it gets tricky, but I guess its getting easier and will continue to do so. | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/3/2012 6:34:17 AM | You are not MARRY FROM THE BIBLE...(Jesus Mother)
this is not a immaculate conception. Your daughter does have a father and for you to lie to her is SO WRONG!
Your hate for the FATHER of your child is and will and can destroy your relationship with her....Be kind and loving in all things. You say ill words, it will only back fire on you in the long run.
Does not matter what he does or has done, it matter what you do and what you say.....Be a loving parent...
I like what someone said, "your father loves you but he is not around right now" Thats a good mother.... | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/3/2012 7:31:43 AM | In no way did I say or even mean to come across as Mary. I know how and when my child was concieved. I have no intention on lying to my child either. I simply don't know how to respond to her "daddy" questions.
No, she is not fatherless either but she by no means has a father figure! hes been gone for 4 years...How doe you explain to her someone she has never met nor do I ever believe she will meet. If he ever came around I wouldn't not let it happen.
The last thing I want to do is mess my childs head up! His oldest child has been put thru his drama and she is beyond messed up. I will not allow that to happen to my child. | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/3/2012 7:36:38 AM | Yes, I know his family and they know me. I tried for the first year of my daughters life to have them involved and it was always one sided. I was the one going out of my way for them, and calling them and setting up visits etc. They know where I live, they know my number and they know how to get ahold of me.
Last time they saw my daughter I told them, if you want to see her just call me. 3 and 1/2 years later I haven't heard from them?
I feel that if they want to be involved in her life they would make an effort. Up until this point, they have not. Every birthday they have neen invited and every birthday they fail to show up. Why continue this cycle, when she gets older she will just be hurt by them. | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/3/2012 7:40:29 AM | You are right, I did have a choice and I chose to parent alone. My anger is not about him leaving me that choice, my anger is about things he did/before and after my pregnacy. I will not ever express my anger towards him to her...that just isn't fair. I agree with another person that posted.....IT WILL MESS HER UP!!
I jsut want to do and say whats best for my child and allow her to come to her own conclusion. | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/3/2012 10:05:37 AM | I'm in the same position as you. And its not easy. My kid is 2 going on 5. She keeps asking where he is and I've told her where he lives and a picture. Best thing you can do at this time is tell her that she does have a father-he is not a daddy but a father. A daddy would be someone who is present in the life of the child-and right now he can't be with her. Sometimes it works and sometimes she wants more to it...so he can't be with you because he's wanting you to have the best and right now he can't give that to you.
I asked this same question and the best answer I got was its kinda like cat and dog people. Not all the time do people have both dogs and cats in the same house-find a friend that has a cat and a friend who has a dog. Use it as an example. Say well you know how Sherri has a cat and Betty has a dog, well thats sometime how family is. Sometimes there is a mommy and a daddy sometimes only Mommy. Another one that I started doing is when we go to the Zoo or doing flash cards with animals I always say look there is baby and mommy. Never daddy. I want her to know she is not alone with having just Mommy. She knows people have daddy's her cousins do and so do all the kids she goes to day care with-over half have both parents picking the kiddo up so she has seen both.
The one I'm still working on is when she's old enough to know the real truth and how I'm going to present it to her. Right now I've got a few years to work on that strategy. I would suggest as long as there is no court order and you are ok with him possibly wanting to see her again is ask him if he would like to meet his child. Then start it out slow with letters/emails/phones calls if he would like to pursue a relationship until she is comfortable being with him alone. My situation is different, he can't legally see her until she's of consenting adult age so that option is not available at this time. But I might consider it when she's old enough to really understand. | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/3/2012 11:43:44 AM |
The last thing I want to do is mess my childs head up! His oldest child has been put thru his drama and she is beyond messed up.
I can never understand why a woman will hook up with a guy that is a lousy father and then expectcs something different the second time around. | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/3/2012 12:17:34 PM | | ^^ did you expect your husband to become a lousy husband and then end your marriage in divorce? It just happens. Happens all the time. Same with fathers. Just because they are ok with being in a relationship they might not be ok with being a father. Who cares how it happened it happened. Just like in marriage it happens. I'm sure you didn't get married knowing you would divorce. She didn't go into the relationship knowing he would be a jerk and leave when she got pregnant. No need to be like that. | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/3/2012 2:24:40 PM | I resent him, he disgusts me, he turned his back on the most amazing little girl. How do you explain such a situation without being judgmental but being truthful. I don't ever want to lie to her and want her to make her own opinion of him without my judgement.
You knew before you got pregnant the way he was yet chose to get pregnant and keep the kid. Planned parenthood works wonders and pro-choice is a backup. Now you have a bad situation and a kid that may develop some psychological problems. Thats called being selfish. | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/3/2012 2:48:17 PM |
You knew before you got pregnant the way he was yet chose to get pregnant and keep the kid.
if you are going to scold her for irresponsibility, scold the guy too. afterall, she didnt partake in this act alone.
Planned parenthood works wonders and pro-choice is a backup.
maybe your choice. maybe your back-up. obviously not her choice. obviously not her back-up.
i wouldnt take too kindly to have a thin sharp instrument shoved up my uterus and have to listen to the sucking sound. oh wait, you are a guy. you wouldnt be able to begin to understand the depths of physical and mental anguish the impression it can leave. i love how men through this around so carelessly.
Thats called being selfish.
i find it ironic that you call her selfish. i think the boy who helped create the child is acting pretty selfish. just sayin. | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/3/2012 2:52:55 PM |
Any suggestions you could offer or personal experiances shared would be greatly appreacited. I am just so lost on where to go with this.
OP, I agree with some of the posters who mention to not badmouth or say anything negative thru out her growing up. bits and peices at a time that are age appropriate. for example, what worked at 3, might not work at 10. i think the older they get, they pick up on things and see it their own way. kids are smart, resilent at times too. his absence could be the death of him. she will make up her mind how she feels about him and his absence on her own. you just continue being there for her and being the best mom you can to your child. | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/3/2012 5:54:38 PM | "You knew before you got pregnant the way he was yet chose to get pregnant and keep the kid."
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Lightstop - are you serious?????? You are way out of line on this one! It's totally uncalled for, for you to direct a woman's thoughts regarding abortion and how to deal with the child/pregnancy. You should be busting the balls of the father because he impregnated a woman when he didn't want a child - he's an idiot and he's a douchebag! Don't follow his lead.
The child is innocent in all this and both parents should be making that child feel wanted and loved rather than feeling like a b*stard child. That's what you do when you create a child whether it was planned, or not. My hope is that the father of this child eventually develops a conscience and realises he has a responsibility to make "his" child happy.
In the meantime, mom needs to keep her emotions in check for the sake of the child | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/3/2012 6:04:02 PM | ~~~~~~~~
a kid that may develop some psychological problems.
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So now having a single parent = developing psychological problems?
Wow.. grasping at straws much?
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What are the causes of mental illness? Although the exact cause of most mental illnesses is not known, it is becoming clear through research that many of these conditions are caused by a combination of biological, psychological, and environmental factors.
What Biological Factors Are Involved in Mental Illness?
Some mental illnesses have been linked to an abnormal balance of special chemicals in the brain called neurotransmitters. Neurotransmitters help nerve cells in the brain communicate with each other. If these chemicals are out of balance or are not working properly, messages may not make it through the brain correctly, leading to symptoms of mental illness. In addition, defects in or injury to certain areas of the brain have also been linked to some mental conditions.
Other biological factors that may be involved in the development of mental illness include:
Genetics (heredity): Many mental illnesses run in families, suggesting that people who have a family member with a mental illness are more likely to develop one themselves. Susceptibility is passed on in families through genes. Experts believe many mental illnesses are linked to abnormalities in many genes -- not just one. That is why a person inherits a susceptibility to a mental illness and doesn't necessarily develop the illness. Mental illness itself occurs from the interaction of multiple genes and other factors --such as stress, abuse, or a traumatic event -- which can influence, or trigger, an illness in a person who has an inherited susceptibility to it.
Infections: Certain infections have been linked to brain damage and the development of mental illness or the worsening of its symptoms. For example, a condition known as pediatric autoimmune neuropsychiatric disorder (PANDA) associated with the Streptococcus bacteria has been linked to the development of obsessive-compulsive disorder and other mental illnesses in children.
Brain defects or injury: Defects in or injury to certain areas of the brain have also been linked to some mental illnesses.
Prenatal damage: Some evidence suggests that a disruption of early fetal brain development or trauma that occurs at the time of birth -- for example, loss of oxygen to the brain -- may be a factor in the development of certain conditions, such as autism.
Substance abuse: Long-term substance abuse, in particular, has been linked to anxiety, depression, and paranoia.
Other factors: Poor nutrition and exposure to toxins, such as lead, may play a role in the development of mental illnesses.
What Psychological Factors Contribute to Mental Illness?
Psychological factors that may contribute to mental illness include:
Severe psychological trauma suffered as a child, such as emotional, physical, or sexual abuse
An important early loss, such as the loss of a parent
Neglect
Poor ability to relate to others
What Environmental Factors Contribute to Mental Illness?
Certain stressors can trigger an illness in a person who is susceptible to mental illness. These stressors include:
Death or divorce
A dysfunctional family life
Feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, anxiety, anger, or loneliness
Changing jobs or schools
Social or cultural expectations (For example, a society that associates beauty with thinness can be a factor in the development of eating disorders.)
Substance abuse by the person or the person's parents
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Being a single parent doesn't cause mental illness. If the child is already predisposed to it, the breakdown of the family can contribute to it. But being raised by a single mom doesn't cause it. Esp if the dad is either there from the beginning and stays consistently or gone from the beginning and stays away consistency, no confusion there. I'd be more worried about the toxins that are in the foods offered at the grocery store then being raised by a single parent. | |
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| How do you answer the questions of a fatherless child?
Posted: 8/3/2012 6:47:39 PM | | Wow man, that pretty harsh...to be quite honest with you I didn't "CHOOSE to become pregnant". I was on BIRTH CONTROL and it failed! psychological problems.....are you kidding me? Really, have to say I am pretty speachless and I posted this for suggestions not for the opinion of someone who is QUITE honestly has NO CLUE what he is talking about. Wow! | |
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