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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...      Home login  
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 lizislaidback
Joined: 7/13/2012
Msg: 1
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Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...Page 1 of 1    
I met a man a few years ago that I fell in love with unexpectedly. We were both on the rebound from previous relationships and I did not want to fall, but he was the nicest man I had ever met and I couldn't resist. Everything was going great for a couple of months until his ex-wife came into town and told him she needed a place to stay for a little while. She and her boyfriend were having problems. Immediately I felt like this is a "red flag" so I told him I didn't feel comfortable with this and I ended our dating. He kept pursuing me, telling me that her name was on the deed and they made arrangements at the time of their divorce to let her stay in an extra room if she ever needed to. I gave in, especially when she got back with her boyfriend and he came to visit too. I know, Jerry Springer material... Four years later, I feel stuck. I feel like I am with a married man who isn't married. She won't leave and threatens to take the house and won't sign a quitclaim deed and he lets her run all over him. I have lost a lot of respect for him, but he still hangs on to me and I am trying to stay away from him, but it is hard to because I feel like I am losing a friend more than anything.
Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 5:58:09 AM
If she won't sign to sell the house, then let him rent out his portion and move elsewhere.

Otherwise, not I wouldn't stay with a man who had his ex wife under his roof.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 3
Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 6:08:44 AM
Omg...................you mean his ex wife is STILL there four years later?????

Girl,give your head a good shake!!!!
 Perspektiv
Joined: 6/28/2012
Msg: 4
Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 6:14:30 AM
He's probably not even over her, and at the drop of a dime, would be in her lap like a good dog.
Him making excuses and playing innocent, is purely hypocritical as he's as responsible for her behavior, as she is (he's enabling it!)

That relationship sounds highly toxic, and the fact he's brought her closer as opposed to give himself distance from her, is a red flag. It will wear on your relationship and eventually end it, no questions asked. It's up to you as to whether you want it to end with you eventually purely hating and resenting him, or end while you still have a glimmer of respect for the guy.

The fact he has done nothing about it, and done more for her, is quite telling to me, as to where his heart is.

Guy talk--if he loves you, he'll move mountains for you.

You need to grow a backbone, and leave him. You say you'll lose a friend. What kind of a friend would do you like that?

You're settling for much less than you deserve by staying with someone who can't put boundaries between them and an ex. It means he doesn't respect you, and can't respect himself.

I strongly believe you can remain amicable with an ex, and I like seeing someone who has good relationships with exes, but also the presence of mind of respecting that there will be boundaries.
 darknight48
Joined: 1/22/2011
Msg: 5
Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 6:23:21 AM
are you for real!!! walk away from this mess now. tell him you moving ex bf in it ok he stay in spare room see how that goes
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 6
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Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 6:29:39 AM
Sounds to me like this:

he is friends with his ex wife and she does not like you.

He is going to have to choose and he may not choose you. Are you really going to lose anything
if he chooses her?
as I see it... will only free you up to find someone with a situation better for you.

Will no other men persue you? is that what you fear?
he did, someone else will too... but surely not while your with him.. is this what yu want? to be with him?
I must ask: why?
 lightbrownsuga2luv
Joined: 12/1/2011
Msg: 7
Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 6:30:43 AM
You know, I understand where you are coming from, however you may be a little too harsh or not understanding enough as far as he's concerned.
Yes, after four years, I would be like why is she still there, however on her side she has rights because it's her house too according to what you said inless she does sighn a quit deed. She knows this, therefore she feels like she's living scott free.....because to some certain exstent she can. She knows what type of man she had "good one" therfore she is taking advantage of him and her rights.
So, this is where you have to make a complete decission and stick to it.

You have to make the decision within self rather or not you still want to be in this mans life, if it's just friends, then do that...but no FWB. If your wanting a relationship, which sounds like you were having one, cause you said you fell for him, then have one. But, he really needs to know and "see" that "you" mean business without be cruel about it.
If you want him as a friend, stay out of his business and be a friend. If you want him as a lover, relationship then let him know, we can't see each other anymore until somthing happens about her being in the house. Let him know you won't see him anymore , let him know there will be no sex, spending time with each other, mean it and do it.
However, if you choose to be "just" friends then still limit to how much time you spend together and don't be always willing and available if he calls or wants to come over, that will lead into "FWB".
What I'm saying is....because you see he's not taking a stand for himself, you need to take a stand for yourself, and he needs to know and see you mean business either way you choose to be, Friends or in a relationship.
He he really wants you, he will see this in time and start handling or doing more about the situation, if he only wants to be friends then he keep being in the same situation.
This way, you will also know how he truly feels about you.
 vestaceres
Joined: 6/13/2012
Msg: 8
Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 6:33:13 AM
The answer should be a resounding No in your head!
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 9
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Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 7:24:58 AM
The deal is about property and convenience. He doesn't want to go through the hassle of splitting up assets. Even if she's never paid a dime she has owns half the home, and likely some type of shared pension and alimony situation that would be automatically determined in a complete split. From the sound of it, selling the place and forcing her to live on her own would likely leave him with half a house, less costs, and some stipend he has to pay her every month.

Lots see the millions that wives can pull together simply by sticking it out for a long while and imagine that's a great gig to get into, particularly when they're witnessing the end phase and the partners have become roiling enemies, with one party or both contributing nothing positive to the situation.

Is their arrangement a bad deal for you? Its tuff to say. Relationships seem to have value. Sharing ownership of property isn't always something to covet.
 NotSmarmy
Joined: 7/30/2012
Msg: 10
Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 8:38:10 AM
A man should be able to take the reins of his own life. There may not be an easy answer for his dilemma. Regardless, a real man would have found a solution long ago.

Advice - Run, far away, now, right now. Life is too short to spend on people that can't be fixed.
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 11
Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 10:48:03 AM
Thats sad-for both of you.You might have fallen for him for his big heart. And yet people use his compassionate nature to take advantage of him. This type of man doesn't do well with his business parters because they cheat him. When his teenagers get into drugs, he enables and lets them make excuses, and on and on, you get the idea. I'm curious if he is aware he has boundary issues? Sounds like he needs stronger fences pronto. Sorry for your suffering witnessing all of this and suffering too OP. Hope you can find a clear way to go. At least he's aware it affects you since you broke things off with him.
Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 10:59:04 AM
He can't get her out of the house after 4 years?

He needs to visit a lawyer and get it done.

The house division should have been completed long ago. Who had how much value should be in the divorce papers. He needs to demand she pay for his share so he can move out or he can pay her for her share and give her the boot.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 13
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Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 11:15:03 AM
here you are on a dating site, advertising yourself as single and available, while you still have one foot in this drama-filled relationship. you realize you're acting just like this couple, right? unwilling to make a clean break, yet willing to drag other people into the mess.

you say on your page you're looking for a 'relationship,' but how would it be fair to involve a relationship-minded man in your tangle? i suggest you shit or get off the pot: accept your current circumstances, or move forward completely, but stay off POF until you're fully unattached.
 Bishopboat
Joined: 9/3/2010
Msg: 14
Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 12:13:54 PM
Are you retarded?
 tjl503
Joined: 9/29/2011
Msg: 15
Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 12:41:25 PM
Ouch, if you're trying to stay away from him then delete his number, don't reply to his texts, delete him from any social sites and don't look back. If you feel that you want to continue being with this guy I would give him an ultimatum on this one, she goes or you go and stick to it. If he wanted his ex wife out of his life after 4 years he would have dealt with this, sold the house split the money. Whatever he had to do to get rid of her and move on with his life.
 buterfly41978
Joined: 6/28/2012
Msg: 16
Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 12:47:35 PM
No... I would not. Do you live there too? Awkward...
 mannyoc
Joined: 9/21/2009
Msg: 17
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Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 12:52:20 PM
Why have they kept the house in both their names for the past 4 years after divorce? What are their options on the house? Can they rent it out and split the profits? Can they sell it off and split the profit? If they can then it is obvious they still want to be in each others lives! When my ex and I broke up I stayed in the home hoping things would work out but when I finally realized it was over I first tried to buy her out to get her completely out of my life. It didn't work so I left her the house and moved on. The only problem I can see that would prevent them from breaking apart is if the house was under market value. In this situation they are pretty much tied together by the house.
 GentlemanJ
Joined: 11/6/2005
Msg: 18
Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 1:05:11 PM
Dont be his plan B. Cut him off move on. I know its harsh and a hard thing to do but I am sure there is a man out there who will be willing to be with you and only you 100%
 FairOaksChick
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 19
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Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 1:29:30 PM
no ultimatums. Just leave the relationship and as others have said, absolutely no further contact.
 Happy Dude 63
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 20
Should I trust a man who lets his ex-wife live with him...
Posted: 8/4/2012 1:32:27 PM
Hehe, wow! I really can't imagine this situation.

4 years?
She won't get out?
He won't leave?
Or force her out?
You hang on? ( which ok is the least of the issues)
BUT the fact that you are still on here advertising you are single is truly funny, and sad.
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