| | boyfriend moving?Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | So I've been seeing a guy now for about 5 months. We have a good connection and are slowly making our way back into more of a relationship after some hurdles that we both have had to overcome. He recently mentioned to me that his boss who has now become a director of a company they have bought out wants him to relocate to another state. He would also be handed a new job title and doing exactly what he wants in the IT field. I think its a great opportunity and I think that he should go for it. I've expressed my happiness for him and have encouraged him to look. He says he can't leave now as he has a lease he has to finish I highly suggested he find someone else to lease it and go as soon as he can. Not only is it a great opportunity for him its also a pay increase-who doesn't need that with this economy. He has expressed interest only because he really wants to be a doing net work stuff instead of basically CSR work. Since he first told me, and I was all excited for him. We haven't really talked about it. I did make mention that I would be more than willing to come out and see him and that we would love for him to come here too. I did hype it up in hopes that he would see that I would understand if he left. For me, if I got a job offer that was double what I was making and told I had to move to advance my career I'd go. I wouldn't care about a relationship at that point. Its my career and its what is going to support me and my kid. I know everyone is different but don't we all kind think alike when it comes to a career?
He recently invited my kiddo and me to go to the Fair. But then all of a sudden changed his mind and now is wanting to meet at the gate and maybe not hang out as much as kiddo would want to do little kid rides he wants to go on big kid rides. Whatever I get it. But not only that he's stopped answering his phone and text messages when I do try to talk to him.
My questions are: Is he upset that I'm on board with him moving to another? Does he think that it is going to be the end of our dating relationship? Doesn't he know that even if we don't work out I still want to be friends? He should know me well enough for him to answer the last two questions but right now, I'm starting to think he doesn't know me. I know he's not in love with me, we haven't been together that long, but he should know me well enough to know that even if we don't make it romantically we would still be friends. I'm at a loss for all his actions now. I'm seeing a side that I've never seen before. I know its a good thing you need to see all sides before you can really decide if you want to be with them forever. But I don't feel that way. I don't think I want to be with him forever but I like being with him now. I know forever is going to take more time and more getting to know. Right now to a point almost everything about him I like and am ok having around right now.
Thoughts? | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/6/2012 11:22:47 AM | | He doesn't seem to want to move or take the new job, but I don't know, just a guess. Whatever reason he has, he's backing away and doesn't want you to text him. Maybe you are just too gung-ho about the whole thing for his tastes. Without his side of the story, it's pretty hard to tell. I think you should just back off and let it go. | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/6/2012 11:23:16 AM | | He's already decided that there's no future in this if he's moving so he's lost interest. Just my thoughts. | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/6/2012 11:23:54 AM | Careers to me do need to come first. At least in something ( as in relationship) very new. This economy is not doing well, we need to go where the money is and what will best support our lifestyles. I just moved back to Florida a month ago from a horrible experience in South Carolina ( for a so called Career move) , to be offered a great job back that I had in Ohio 2 years ago. So now I am being faced with a major decision as well. However, I am not seeing anyone. For me it is simply do I feel like spending more of my 401K since my Employer does not pay for relocations ! Most will not , unless it is a management position.
I think you are beyond supportive to encourage him to take it and go. I am not sure what he is really upset about to be honest, that is something you will need to ask him. He may feel it is the end, because dating out of State is not easy. It is hard enough to do locally. I suggest calling him, leave a message that you two need to talk.
If he is not in love with you as you say...he might just be trying to make the break up easier. I hope you at least can clear it up with him. Good luck ! | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/6/2012 11:23:58 AM |
My questions are: Is he upset that I'm on board with him moving to another? Does he think that it is going to be the end of our dating relationship?
Good for you to support his career. He is most likely distancing himself emotionally. Give him a break. Lots of changes in his life. 
P.S. Why won't his company buy out his lease? | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/6/2012 11:24:26 AM | He's made up his mind and is moving, he isn't looking for a long-term relationship unless you move with him. I have moved to other cities in the past and I would be upfront with the woman I was dating.
P.S. Why won't his company buy out his lease?
I don't know any company that does that unless you are on a corporate board, you are lucky to get moving expenses these days. | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/6/2012 11:24:28 AM |
My questions are: Is he upset that I'm on board with him moving to another? Does he think that it is going to be the end of our dating relationship?
Good for you to support his career. He is most likely distancing himself emotionally. Give him a break. Lots of changes in his life.
P.S. Why won't his company buy out his lease? | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/6/2012 11:31:18 AM | To my knowledge he hasn't made up his mind, but that could be him blowing smoke. If he wants to move, he knows I'm approving. I'm not going to be the one holding him back.
After 5 months I could honestly say he shouldn't be in love with me because we haven't known each other long enough to know if we do love each other.
His company won't pay for his lease because he has to ask for the move. The boss who is the new director will approve his application if he puts it in, then he has to give 2 weeks at his old position or something like that. Its not like the CEO asked him to move but his boss because she wants the best on her team. He might get moving expense but that is very highly unlikely. | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/6/2012 11:41:00 AM | This would be a person given an opportunity that could potentially change the course of his life. Give him a bit of a break. Not something to be taken lightly,though it's easy to "say" you or I would do this, or that,but we are not the ones facing this choice are we??????
New lease.
New relationship(which includes a child he enjoys being with) which has some potential for the future????
New job.
In a new area.
And anything else that could be added to the mix.
Can ya see why he is a little withdrawn????? | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/6/2012 11:47:24 AM | | I understand to a point Walt. But at the same time, if he didn't want to move because of the potential we could have why would he be slowly withdrawing himself from me and my kiddo? I'm happy either way. He can stay or he can go. Its not the end of the world for us. We'll get through it. Yes, we'll both be sad but there are ways now to be able to see each other ie skype and video messages. The only thing really new is the relationship and new job. He's already lived in the same area while he was in the army. As for the new lease everyone gets them when their old one expires and they move-he's in the army he's use to moving. Has packing/unpacking down to a day. So the whole new lease thing isn't really an issue other than he really likes the people he lives with and the house. | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/6/2012 11:50:14 AM |
But at the same time, if he didn't want to move because of the potential we could have why would he be slowly withdrawing himself from me and my kiddo
He's "thinking". Some of us do that before making a choice,especially IMPORTANT choices. And for some of us, withdrawing while "thinking" can keep our minds where they are suppose to be,,,,thinking!!!!!!! This is not rocket science. Some people like to use their brains even though part of the equation involves matters of the heart. | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/6/2012 12:00:28 PM | | Ask him these questions, not this forum. The men I know will withdraw when they're working through a problem or trying to figure something out. It's part of how they process things. I wouldn't get fussed about it. But, clearly the two of you need to talk because it doesn't sound like either of you know what particular page of the book the other is on. | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/6/2012 12:40:47 PM | I think it's great that you support his moving to get this better job offer... but at the same time if it were me possibly moving, I'd rather have heard you say how much you would miss me, rather than being all gung ho -- sounds almost like you were trying to get rid of him!
Maybe he feels that way.
I know everyone is different but don't we all kind think alike when it comes to a career?
No. But you are younger than me... I moved to a smaller town where the jobs are scarce and the pay is much lower than where I was -- because I wanted to be near my new granddaughter.
To me, relationships are everything.
When I die, I would never regret not taking that higher paying job in another state, but I'd likely regret lost loves that I gave up if I had.
I'm happy either way. He can stay or he can go.
Oh wow... I think I'd be withdrawing as well.
After 5 months if you feel that way, I think you should cut him loose. | |
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Fifi47
| | Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 14 | |
| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/6/2012 12:44:33 PM | | After 5 months you don't know how he feels about where the relationship is going? People in my family sure are decisive then. My parents dated 3 months before an engagement, brother dated and married within 7 months (at age 45), sister said she knew after one date she would marry him. If you are not feeling that it is the real deal than I would wish him luck and a happy life. | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/6/2012 1:43:18 PM | I am not sure what his motivation is but he is definately acting like an azzhole. He gave you an invitation and then backed off, then he stopped answering your calls. I think that all you really need to know is that he appears to have lost interest.
Maybe the job is stressing him out, maybe he met someone else and maybe he just decided after 5 months the realtionship was going nowhere. | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/6/2012 2:25:40 PM | For me, if I got a job offer that was double what I was making and told I had to move to advance my career I'd go. I wouldn't care about a relationship at that point. Its my career and its what is going to support me and my kid. I know everyone is different but don't we all kind think alike when it comes to a career.
Be fair and tell him this. Especially that you wouldn't care about a relationship if you got a good career offer. You are a parent and he will not be in #1 position for many years.
My philosophy is never let work interfere with your personal or social life. Yeah I'm a little eccentric but it gets me absolutely everywhere and everything I need. | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/7/2012 11:37:24 AM | Well Fifi I don't believe in love and if he is in love with me good for him. I lost the One when I was 18 and have no use falling in love again. Yes I'm on a dating website but that doesn't mean that I can't long to have someone to do couple things with and no its not all about sex I can find that anywhere. I'm happy being in love with my child who no matter what will love me unconditionally and I will love her unconditionally.
Found out that the problem is from a past hurdle we were-so I thought-over. It has nothing to do with him deciding to move to another state or me being happy and encouraging him to move. Thanks for the advice | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/7/2012 1:20:45 PM |
I'm happy being in love with my child who no matter what will love me unconditionally and I will love her unconditionally.
May all your dreams come true ...  | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/7/2012 4:11:34 PM | And this is the guy that your kid called Daddy a little while ago, yet, you believe and think like this??????
Well Fifi I don't believe in love and if he is in love with me good for him.
Yeah, now I know it ain't the job or the lease, or the moving. I don't understand why you even came on here to ask the questions that you did?????? Cause obviously you don't care one way or the other. Just wasting time are we?????? Or bored???? Or what????? | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/7/2012 4:24:54 PM | | OP, I can barely BREATHE after reading your story. I felt totally suffocated as if by a pillow over my face and a crazy barrage of directives were being rained upon me! Each of us has the right to make our own decisions. Just because YOU think this would be a good move for him (esp in this economy) doesn't mean it's a good fit for HIM. Jeez | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/8/2012 6:58:35 AM | Yes Walt it is the same guy. Who cares? From my understanding its children trying to place people together as a group and as who they know...Mommy Daddy, Grandma Grandpa. Funny how I made mention of that a few weeks ago and now my brothers kid is calling me mommy. Its a phase as I'm finding out. Because it never happened to me before I didn't know. I didn't force her or tell her to call him daddy. She made that assumption herself and we corrected it.
And everyone is correct I don't care enough to get hurt so I'm not allowing me to get hurt. I haven't given him my heart yet, he's done nothing to deserve it. If he's let me have his then thats on him. I don't feel that I have his as I've also done nothing to deserve it. Within 5 months there is no way that you can honestly tell if you are in love with someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them. You learn these things the longer you are together and it either makes the relationship or destroys it. I do care for him but not the care where I'd give him a lung or a kidney if he needed it and we were a match. I care enough that if he were on fire and I had a hose I'd spray him and call 911. What do you want I've been hurt numerous times in the past and not willing to be hurt again. I'm not willing to let my guard down and he knew this going in. He knew that he'd have to prove he wasn't like the rest. Do I hold the rest against him. No I don't but I also don't make the same mistakes when I can see them and prevent them. Why should he have to prove it cuz I'm worth it damn it. I'm worth a hell of a lot more than what he's offered me at this time and I've accepted what he's offered as he's accepted what I've offered. As we are together longer more things are offered. If you don't understand that thats on you.
Yes I'd be sad if he were gone and I'd cry for him because I miss him but at the same time I know that if it were me I'd leave doesn't matter how I felt. I have to put me and my kid first and if that means a new job in a new state with more money and a better title then so be it. He might not have any kids but he should put himself first as should anyone else. No one is going to just give you what you want you have to work for it, lives get messed up relationships end because of what you have to do. He should know me well enough to know that I do keep my word. Anyone who has known me longer than a week could tell you that. So if I say I'm coming out every 3rd weekend of the month you better believe your ass I'll be there every 3rd weekend of the month.
Like I said I do care about him in my own way he knows that. As I know he cares about me in his own way. We're probably going in different directions with the whole love bs but thats because I won't allow myself. Thats on me, not him and he knew all of this. He knows he's welcome to stay or to go. I've been honest and blunt because thats me. He knows that if he stays its worth his time. I just don't feel he should stay just for us as he is starting his career and this is a great opportunity for him. Even if we were married and having to discuss this issue I'd still stay here because here is what is best for my kid. Does that mean we're going to divorce because of it maybe but maybe we'd fight a hell of a lot harder for each other to survive. Just cuz I don't think like you doesn't mean I'm wrong. And it doesn't mean I'm bored and needing attention. Its a straight up serious questions and from a few of the honest answers I got from people I talked to him sooner vs later and guess what found out the whole damn thing isn't about him deciding to move. Wow who would have known. At least I had a better think to approach the subject so it didn't end in a fight and our relationship destroyed over something so stupid. | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/8/2012 7:12:51 AM | | And yes, I'm calling you out Walt as I just read "advice" you gave to a 22 year old.....You are calling her out telling her that she needs to focus on her future her life and not worry about some boy...but yet, thats kinda what I'm doing for him-looking out for his future encouraging him to move along to something better-and I'm in the wrong according to you. So which is future or love? Because you're saying two different things. | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/8/2012 8:42:44 AM |
I don't believe in love
Well then why do you care whether he stays or goes, calls or not? You sound damaged and until you fix what is broken no relationship you have will ever satisfy you. | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/8/2012 8:47:54 AM |
I lost the One when I was 18 and have no use falling in love again.
We all think the ex was the ONE but we have to move on with our lives, it sounds like you haven't got over him. | |
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| boyfriend moving?
Posted: 8/8/2012 2:28:51 PM | "For me, if I got a job offer that was double what I was making and told I had to move to advance my career I'd go. I wouldn't care about a relationship at that point. Its my career and its what is going to support me and my kid. "
And for most men too. Career comes first.
"Is he upset that I'm on board with him moving to another?" I doubt it, he is doing what he has to do to move on.
"Does he think that it is going to be the end of our dating relationship?" Long distance relationships do not work. He is moving on in his mind and leaving you behind is one of them. He may or may not want to continue being friends and he may have thought about it more then you think. Most men when leaving a relationship they don't want or can not have or it isn't working out, tend to cut everything off. The other small group of men tend to want to keep evey girlfriend , ever lover they ever knew as " friends". Chances are if he has not messages you back or ignoring your calls ( and perhaps he's not even doing that perhaps he's just busy finding a renter and preparing for the move) then you should allow him the space he needs. He already knows you fully support his move and career change. He already knows you're a nice person, and he knows where to find you when he's done relocating.
Be the woman in his eyes you said you were when you encouraged him to pick up the challenge. He will know exactly where to find you if and when that time comes. Sending him a fond farewell or just keeping in touch text message is always nice to have. But don't push for anything more. You stated clearly to him what you thought he should do now don't blame the man for doing it! | |
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