| | Asking about their past? Page 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | I have been in a relationship with someone for a few months now, though we've known each other for a few years. We tried dating before but it was just the wrong time. He is not easy to date, though.
I have asked him about a few things in his romantic/relationship/sexual past, and he refuses to answer them. I feel that we are at a point where we cannot hide our pasts, as they make us who we are today. I have tried to make these questions as non-confrontational and natural as possible (though I'm not perfect and I'm sure it might get taken the wrong way sometimes), and it's not like I'm digging deep or to sensitive areas. And I try to be reasonable and respectful. His comments back have been out of defense, but they're not constructive nor respectful. Actually, I feel as though he is more immature than average(even though he's almost 30), which causes him to be more disrespectful and hurtful than what I am used to.
example:
"I expect you let the past be the past. You don't get to say shit about anything that happened before you. What happened with (EXES NAME) is off limits, plain and simple."
While I feel that initially, this is a valid point, we are not simply dating anymore. I feel it is foolish to overlook pasts, even if we are "past our pasts", because they are insight into what makes us tick and who we are.
So... am I really out of line for asking about his past this far into the relationship? If I am, when can I? If not, how should I approach this? Why is he frequently avoiding questions, when he doesn't really have a whole lot to hide (I am aware of a lot about his past, as is)?
Oh... in addition... he has already made his intentions and feelings clear for me. This is a serious relationship and he's fallen in love with me. He sees us having a future together, and does act like this is his true intention. | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 7:53:52 AM | A "few months" does not a "relationship" make..
I have asked him about a few things in his romantic/relationship/sexual past, and he refuses to answer them. I feel that we are at a point where we cannot hide our pasts, as they make us who we are today. I have tried to make these questions as non-confrontational and natural as possible
You may *ask* pretty much anything, IF you do not demand specific answers about specific people, and IF you allow a man to use his own judgment/discretion in what information he feels is relevant and that you may be able to handle in his answers.
Some of us may wish to know all of the details of your "friend" John at Seneca College.. Please tell us everything or we may ask again next week...
VVVV
Also, the more you want to know, and push the more it becomes about respecting boundaries and privacy and the more he'll want to keep it from you due to the principal of it, whereas if you shrugged and left it alone he may want to share it with you someday unsolicited.
That is what sharing power/control is all about, essential to allow a partner about 50% power in any relationship,
so that neither feels controlled by the other.
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Bezoa
| | Joined: 7/2/2012
Msg: 3 | |
| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 7:54:42 AM | I would like to know the questions you are asking, and why would you want to know about his exes? He might be preserving her rights of privacy or sumtin.
I don't know, but just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you have to spill all the beans in the first few months according to me. And again, what is it that you are so urging to know?
I think he might be getting rude because you are not letting up. It can get annoying when someone keeps trying to get a yes to a no that has been given so many times. Kinda like a dog that keeps pissing on the bed. | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 7:56:38 AM | | I have asked the question twice over the course of 2 weeks. And the topic was naturally brought up. The questions were about him and something he did during the relationshop, not specifically about the ex. | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 8:03:14 AM | I'm curious why you would need to know about his past relationship? Maybe he made mistakes, is aware of them and doesn't want to relive things needlessly. Perhaps your focus should be on his future, not his past.
And if you are in a relationship, why are you listed as single on a dating site? So lame.. | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 8:04:38 AM | My current and I have had this discussion - except in our case we have a lot of the same friends so despite not wanting to drag up the past we've had to deal with it from things out mutual friends have told each of us about the other.
BUT...we were both kids once, and did stuff kids do. Neither of us has killed anyone or committed any felonies, so the rest can be dealt with. A lot of times you learn and change as you get older and you aren't the same person. I've done things that were no big deal, but if you heard them without knowing the background from someone who just wanted to cause trouble you could disqualify me as a viable candidate for...dating, or whatever.
Maybe he's worried that something that was out of his control would cause you to doubt him if he told you about it? Also, the more you want to know, and push the more it becomes about respecting boundaries and privacy and the more he'll want to keep it from you due to the principal of it, whereas if you shrugged and left it alone he may want to share it with you someday unsolicited.
Don't miss the relationship you have now worrying about what happened before - enjoy it in the moment. So many people are unable to do that, but you don't want to end it by being pushy, and then regret it. Life's too short.
Just a few thoughts. | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 8:18:57 AM | If you are trying to find out why his behavior is the way it is so that you can decide if want to deal with it...you're a bit messed up.
If YOU don't like how he behaves with YOU NOW, then YOU have to decide if you want to continue being with such a person.
Are you looking for an excuse to, understand to accept? If so, then YOU have an issue about respecting your own boundaries as well as not respecting his boundary on not telling all.
Respect his decision to leave the past in the past. Respect yourself enough to not put up with being treated badly, no matter how his behavior came about to be that way.
If you are already sleeping with him then his sexual past is already part of you. | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 8:22:32 AM | My opinion – it is awfully tough for any of us to tell for sure, since we were not to hear exactly what you were asking, and the tone used in his responses.
And, I also wonder this, as well:
Is it possible that he already feels as if he has given you the relevant information about his past, and been completely honest -- and that your attempts to bring it up again are coming off as a bit of an “interrogation”? The reason I am suggesting this as a possibility is the following:
Why is he frequently avoiding questions, when he doesn't really have a whole lot to hide (I am aware of a lot about his past, as is)?
My question: How are you aware of a lot of his past already? Was it because he already did discuss it with you, previously -- and now you are bringing those same parts of his past up again? Pushing for more detail? If so, then I would ask why you are bringing them up again. (-- If not, and I am wrong, and you learned about his past from others, or by other means, then forget I asked [grin.])
I have asked him about a few things in his romantic/relationship/sexual past, and he refuses to answer them.
Again, the problem is that you are pretty vague about what exactly you are asking. So, it is tough to judge if his response is unduly harsh, or if it is a typical reaction of someone who feels their innermost privacy is being invaded, perhaps even by someone who has some sort of weird ulterior motive (trying to make comparisons, etc.) I am not making accusations, but again, we do not know the details.
and it's not like I'm digging deep or to sensitive areas.
It may be exactly that.
To you, they may not be deep or sensitive areas. But, they may be to him. Just keep that in mind. I’m sure you can recall times when someone brought up something which “struck a nerve” even though they had no idea it was a sensitive area. You can probably recall doing that to another person, a friend, an acquaintance, perhaps. Again, we do not KNOW if this is the situation here, but it could be. | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 8:24:23 AM | If your dating someone and thinking about having an exclusive relationship with them....
and
this guy does not want to tell you about his past.. HE HAS something to hide.
Move on.. find someone open who will communicate with you so you can assess if you
want to spend more time with them and work on making a relationship.
Yes Op .. it would be foolish to overlook his past. If the guy has dated only "crazy women"....
not been in a relationship more than a year.. his last wife myteriously disappeared ...
he caught herpes from the hookers he was seeing..
used to make porn movies...........................and god knows what else.. you would be the fool and maybe even expecting something very different than what he is.
Can you invest another few years waiting for him to open up and communicate?
why would you wait ?
learn to toss these jokers and find yourself a real man who is mature and
open, can communicate and wants what you do.
I had success on the dating sites and married a great guy. had to toss a lot of trash to the side of the road to find him
you can find who is right for you too.. no mystery past... just open and truthful communication. | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 8:25:20 AM | I haven't used this dating site for a LONG time, hence why I haven't changed it. I actually just came on yesterday for the forums. My profile will be changed though. Thanks for pointing that out.
Similarly, mutual friends have brought up things that we both have wanted to talk about to each other. This is actually one of those things. And it's not like this was when he was young.
While I realize what you're saying, I do think it is foolish to completely overlook bad behaviour, when it can directly affect your current relationship whether they explain it to you or not, even if it is in the past. | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 8:28:36 AM | why are you second guessing yourself?
toss him and move on.......... stop second guessing yourself.
When the right one shows up there is none of this game playing BS... he will be open, honest and
want to know about you too.
Not some game hiding and playing the BS... TOSS HIM
and move on. The right one might be right around the corner | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 8:39:21 AM | I agree with Dameright.
The way you present this OP, it sounds as though you are asking him for a general rundown of his past, without having any reason in the present, to do so.
I've dealt with people who had the (they thought) romantic idea, that "we should know everything there is to know about each other, as it proves that we have no secrets, and love each other in all ways." Believe me, it's complete garbage. If that's what you are about, then you are too young for this guy, life experience-wise.
And as she said, if you are unsatisfied with something NOW, and you have deduced that something in his past is the reason, and that you can make everything work if you know what that is, then you certainly have the right to ask. And if he says "no go," then your next choice is, to keep going with the problem you are concerned about firmly in place, or leave. | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 8:44:17 AM | I guess if you asked twice about what it is he did with an ex it must have been important for you to know... did he cheat on her or hit her or spend all her money or something? Maybe you heard a rumor and you're giving him the benefit of the doubt and asking...
On the other hand, there are some things that are better off not discussing. Sexual experiences or habits of former people are really none of your concern.
I don't know why he doesn't just tell you whatever it is. Seems like he's making a bigger deal of refusing...
If this is the only area where you see him resistant I'd let it go and stop asking. Whatever it is might be too painful for him to rehash. | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 8:44:19 AM | While I realize what you're saying, I do think it is foolish to completely overlook bad behaviour, when it can directly affect your current relationship whether they explain it to you or not, even if it is in the past.
If you kind of ignore bad behavior compared to "completely" ignore, does that make it alright with you? If he explained... why would that make a difference if what he is doing with you is unacceptable? (including not discussing it).
Again, this is about knowing your boundaries and living with the consequences of them. You're an adult, make up YOUR mind if what he does or doesn't do, is acceptable to YOU. We can't do anything but remind you that you are going to have to live with the consequences of your choice so... make a choice and either drop him or your questions regarding his past.
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 8:52:22 AM |
While I realize what you're saying, I do think it is foolish to completely overlook bad behaviour, when it can directly affect your current relationship whether they explain it to you or not, even if it is in the past. Is there bad behaviour now? Do you suspect bad behaviour in the future? If so, deal with it.
I really don't think that knowing his past is necessarily going to give you a better picture than the one you have now. People are different when involved with different people. And as someone else pointed out, he's more likely to share stuff with you when you stop humping his leg about it.
But if you are concerned as far as him being abusive or something dangerous.. then don't ****foot around, I would demand an answer in that case. And his being quiet or clammed up in response would be plenty enough of an answer for me. | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 9:02:19 AM | Thanks for the responses.
I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that he has become a better person, and that he has learned/is learning to be more respectful.
I am not looking for him to describe every detail of his past. And I’m not looking to know everything little thing about him, especially so soon. There are certain aspects that I feel the answers to will bring to light if he is still that person, or if he has matured/learned from them.
I’m not looking to “kind of” ignore bad behaviour. I am not naïve into thinking everyone is perfect, or even the opposite, and sometimes it’s worth it to work through an issue and move forward instead of tossing it aside, especially if both parties are willing to do so. But I am also well aware that I cannot change him, it has to come from him, and so the answers are important to me.
And please realize I have only asked questions twice. That is NOT “humping his leg” about it. | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 9:03:58 AM | Wabbits,
It really matters what the issue/question is.
If he cheated, you deserve answers. If he abused her, you deserve answers. If you are asking about what the two of them did together in bed, he is responding appropriately by shutting you down hard. | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 9:21:49 AM | vvvvvvvvvvvvvv ERASES ENTIRE ANSER AND TYPES vvvvvvvvvvvvvv
He cheated on her. So I feel this is an issue you cannot skirt.
Ah, a missing piece of the puzzle has been found. With your propensity for probing, it's rather amazing that you chose to leave that bit out of your original story. If you don't trust the guy, then you will never build trust by interrogating him.
I'm changing my answer. Cheating is not necessarily like a death sentence for a relationship, although it might as well be for many people. Meanwhile I see two people who can't/won't communicate effectively with each other, and one of them is here being obtuse as hell. Doesn't matter how dreamy y'all think it is now, without trust and open, honest communication, this will never work. | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 9:27:30 AM | So he is secretive, immature and rude? What exactly are his finer points other than you being female and he being a male?
You are trying to psychoanalyze a guy that wants to keep his past in the past to the point where he digs his heels in and refuses to discuss anything with you. Not only that but he gets really pissed if you bring it up.
You are a talker and a feeler, you enjoy breaking down actions and deciphering imaginary meanings. It makes you feel as if you are being constructive and he on the other hands feels you are being invasive.
I do not see how a relationship between two such opposite could be sucessful. | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 9:36:18 AM |
After only a few months? How dreamy!
Haha! Okay, I can see it can come across crazy. It is the internet, after all. I didn't mean that he’s planning to spend our lives together already and planning a marriage. And I didn't say I fell all lovey-dovey once he professed this. But moot point I guess.
You are a talker and a feeler, you enjoy breaking down actions and deciphering imaginary meanings. It makes you feel as if you are being constructive and he on the other hands feels you are being invasive.
While you are probably right about this, I do not believe I am looking imaginary meanings. I pick my battles as best I can. He cheated on her. So I feel this is an issue you cannot skirt. | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 9:43:10 AM | Interesting how the tiny little detail [that he cheated on the ex] isn't considered worth mentioning in the first post.
Open honesty is the way to go.
I wouldn't offer less or settle for less.
Why would you? | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 9:48:11 AM | I have tried to make these questions as non-confrontational and natural as possible (though I'm not perfect and I'm sure it might get taken the wrong way sometimes), and it's not like I'm digging deep or to sensitive areas. And I try to be reasonable and respectful. His comments back have been out of defense, but they're not constructive nor respectful. Actually, I feel as though he is more immature than average(even though he's almost 30), which causes him to be more disrespectful and hurtful than what I am used to.
You are not respecting his boundaries. To you it may not be deep or sensitive but obviously it is to HIM.
"Trying" to be reasonable and respectful isn't the same as being reasonable or respectful.
You are being immature, even if he is as well.
Being young doesn't equate to being disrespectful and hurtful.
If he is being "disrespectful and hurtful" then leave him.
I do not believe that deciding not to discuss ex's is disrespectful but not taking "no" for an answer is.
Cowgirl: thumbs up to pointing out other issues that ARE valid! Too bad you erased them.
Sounds to me that the OP knew about his cheating before she started to date him. So therefor already accepted it and now has issues with it.
Can anyone say "fickle?"
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 9:54:26 AM | I have to agree with Mundus, there are certain things you as a partner have the right to know (STI's, history of violence/abuse, criminal activities, crazy ex's, etc), and there are things that are none of your business.
If you already know he cheated on her, the hows, whys, or wheres (and with whoms) are irrelevant. This is extraneous information when the important part is already known:
That he has cheated in the past.
You have to take this information and do with it as you wish. You either trust that he's become a better person (and make sure he knows that if it happens even once, you're gone), or you leave and don't let the door slam behind you.
To be honest, I'd be the latter type of person, because I've seen how often people are surprised by the fact that someone they knew who cheated on their ex, then cheated on them. I feel that if they did it once, they're very likely to do it again, regardless of the circumstances of the initial incident. | |
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| Asking about their past?
Posted: 8/7/2012 10:02:35 AM | Drop it.
The past is the past, focus on the present.
Please respect his boundaries, you have no clue what was going on in his past relationship(s). Do not judge him on rumors that you have heard about his past. Judge him on how he treats YOU now and ongoing.
I do not want to know any details of my GF past relationships, all I care about is that she loves me and treats me right. Likewise, she does not delve into my past, if we feel like sharing we do but there has never been an accusatory 'why did you do this to/with XXXXX!?"
I have always had this attitude with my SO's. | |
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