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 JDC1993
Joined: 7/14/2012
Msg: 1
Friends with BenefitsPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Just getting this out of the way before anyone can wag their finger and try to lecture me; Yeah yeah yeah I know its a bad idea, I know someone always falls for the other person and the other person just isnt into them beyond sex. I know I know I know. Especially now.

I very recently told him to not text me, and if I text him not to reply so that I could get a handle on my feelings.
My question is, was I stupid to believe and wait for so long for him to commit to me?
AND Do you think FWB relationships ever have a shot at evolving into more?

Details:
Well I met a man on this site a year and about 3 months ago. I was young, very ready to experience new things and very very ready to have a man.
We slept together at least once a month this past year, we would go out to the movies, I helped him move, I loved being with him but I kept my distance and kept my mouth shut because I knew what we were and I knew the boundaries.
I would get angry with him because of my feelings and beg him to let me go so that I could let him go but he insisted we keep seeing each other. I felt sick over the situation I had let myself get into and I told him and myself that the only reason he wanted me was because I was convenient, and that I liked him. He said he liked me too and that he liked being with me not becaue I was convenient. Each time he said he didnt want to lose my number because he wanted to keep seeing me even without the sex. (we got into these fights at least 3 times)
He got angry with my for texting another guy (it was someone I had been talking to for a looong time. and the conversation we had contained sexual content) and said if I wanted to see him i couldnt sleep with anyone else. I told him it had to go both ways and he agreed.
I messed up and slept with that guy but didnt want to go any further even though the guy did because I still wanted my F-buddy. I told my F-buddy what I had done and he refused to see me for almost two weeks, then after we made plans to meet up he confessed to sleeping with a friend of his.
He used to text me every single night those first six or seven months. Then he would only text once every week or so.
He would stay the night with me some nights and I would stay with him others.
Oh yeah and he was my first everything.... first person i ever talked to, first kiss, first person I ever held hands with, and first man I ever slept with...
 WinterIsComing80
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 2
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/5/2012 12:31:34 PM
FWB for men is like contractual sex. The contract states that you will please each other physically without getting emotionally attached. Men like sex and like to ensure a steady supply of sex. Why then would we void the contract by allowing emotions to get involved? Emotions = mess/drama/commitment/feelings....none of which were part of the deal. People should stop using the term Friends with Benefits and just call it what it really should be...A consensual sexual satisfaction agreement.
 uarealoser
Joined: 9/5/2012
Msg: 3
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/5/2012 12:43:44 PM

was I stupid to believe and wait for so long for him to commit to me?

Stupid? Maybe. Depends on how many other FWB you've had, or done this same thing.
At most I would say young, naive, inexperienced, human, blind, stereotypically female.
Probably not stupid, though.


Do you think FWB relationships ever have a shot at evolving into more?

IMO only if there is actually an established history of a relationship based on communication, trust, and desire.
Like if you were "just friends" for several years (especially if you met before the onset of puberty) and never really dated anyone else and just grew into the "more" and you realized you were mostly scared and avoiding labels, and focused on other aspects of your life, finally maturing and realizing what you were actually doing in your relationship.

IMO if you actively seek friends or FWB, have fun, not put in the actual communication work (albeit playing lip service to the idea like "oh we talk all the time about anything"), then just stick around hoping and waiting for more, then it's not going to happen.
One or both of you will ultimately seek out behavior to sabotage the relationship that you don't really want to in order to try and force it into a relationship you do want, or leave your social conscience clear to go after what you do want. Unless at least one of you, or both, settles, which will lead to an unfulfilling relationship that might last a few years.
 NCnavetG8r
Joined: 9/7/2012
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/5/2012 12:47:09 PM

FWB for men is like contractual sex. The contract states that you will please each other physically without getting emotionally attached. Men like sex and like to ensure a steady supply of sex. Why then would we void the contract by allowing emotions to get involved? Emotions = mess/drama/commitment/feelings....none of which were part of the deal. People should stop using the term Friends with Benefits and just call it what it really should be...A consensual sexual satisfaction agreement.


brb, I need to change my profile. I had no idea FWB meant you couldn't care about the other person. Dude, you're describing a FB, not FWB.

Seriously, sounds to me like he wanted to be FWB, but she wants the marriage license and shared bank account. Not looking for the same thing at all. She needs to cut it off and keep looking for a man that's interested in the same thing she is.
 stayinalivefl
Joined: 8/23/2012
Msg: 5
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/5/2012 12:54:06 PM
"""Oh yeah and he was my first everything.... first person i ever talked to, first kiss, first person I ever held hands with, and first man I ever slept with..."""

........& won't be your last,,,,,,,,,,lol

""shared bank account. "",,,,,,,unless you both share the same monetary views,,,,that's a disaster waiting to happen
 supplygoodguy
Joined: 6/4/2012
Msg: 6
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/5/2012 12:55:47 PM
you've got alot to learn.. I'd say if you can run around using your genitals as a game of Russian Roulette then go hook up with an escort service and make some big money.. penis for a cup of coffee is a cheap way to treat yourself cheap.. you obviously don't care about your personal health .. so go make some bigtime money acting like an unevolved monkey.. you'll feel better knowing that you used yourself for more than a Hornies or two..
 CawkBlawker
Joined: 6/25/2012
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/5/2012 1:00:48 PM
This is from another thread that you started. According to you, you get "friend" zoned.

I get asked a lot why Ive never been on a date, why ive never been in a relationship and why no guys seem interested in me and I just dont know. I get hit on, I get compliments but guys just neveer go beyond the friend zone with me. Or should I say I never go beyound the friend zone with guys.


Maybe you need to redefine what an actual "friend" is. Maybe you mean you get "sex zoned". If your "friends" are the same age as you, most likely, sex is all that's going to be. A person can only treat you how you allow them to treat you. You've set yourself up to be the go to for sex. Sounds like your FB was your first love and you don't know how to separate that from sex. But you did say you are okay with just sex. You're having sex with your "friend" in hopes it turns into some great love story. He's not your boyfriend. Remember, he's your "friend".
 JDC1993
Joined: 7/14/2012
Msg: 8
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/5/2012 1:04:04 PM
To clear this up,
He is the only guy Ive been in a situation like this with.

All my other male friends I dont sleep with, I dont throw myself at, I dont even flirt with.

Just making that clear.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 9
view profile
History
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/5/2012 1:42:49 PM

I messed up and slept with that guy but didnt want to go any further even though the guy did because I still wanted my F-buddy. I told my F-buddy what I had done and he refused to see me for almost two weeks, then after we made plans to meet up he confessed to sleeping with a friend of his.

Ok... so basically, if you had ever had any chance of a relationship with your FWB, you blew it at that point...
Very few guys will take a woman back except as a sex outlet after she's slept with another guy...
Your FWB was probably waiting the 2 weeks to see if you gave him an STD or came down with one...

Look, to most guys, a FWB is someone that is good enough to fcuk, but not good enough for a Long Term Relationship... Or you'd already be in the LTR....
In the meanwhile, the guy has a steady source of sex without any real committment beyond a few meaningless platitudes and spending time when he has nothing else to do... Plus, if he does meet someone, he can drop you with no problem as you already agred you don't have a relationship....


said if I wanted to see him i couldnt sleep with anyone else. I told him it had to go both ways and he agreed.
Look the only reasons he didn't want you to sleep with other people is [1] So you don't bring back an STD... [2] So you don't get involved with another guy and cut off his FWB status...
He only agreed because there was no alternative... some small risk as opposed to no more easy sex... Most people will accept some risk to get sex....


If you want a relationship, you have to cut off all contact with the FWB, get tested just to be on the safe side... (chances are he was fcuking a few other women besides you... That's part of the purpose of FWBs...)
Apart from it being good for you to cut off contact with him, no guy you're likely to date is going to be comfortable if you are stupid enough to keep a former FWB as a friend...

FWBs can turn into relationships... but then, some people win lotteries too... the odds are probably about the same...
 jblack2000
Joined: 8/22/2008
Msg: 10
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/5/2012 1:46:29 PM
OP,


don't get pregnant with one of these guys

be careful, be smart, please
 onewayoranuther
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 11
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/5/2012 2:09:12 PM
"Your sex life is an unmitigated disaster. You need to stop having sex until you figure out how to do it ethically"

I have to agree.

Your body, your responsibility. Take care of your mental mindframe first and stop pretending...

Once you know you can't pretend you don't know.
 happy-go-lucky_
Joined: 7/21/2009
Msg: 12
view profile
History
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/5/2012 5:51:12 PM
Well, you're quite young and have had a somewhat inauspicious launch to your personal relationship department, but so long as you remain STD-free and haven't got yourself pregnant, this shouldn't leave any lasting scars (no pun intended). I recommend that you treat the entire sordid incident as an opportunity to learn and grow. Forget about both these men if they're still in your life, and instead, take a break from dating for a little while and then start afresh.

While there haven't been very many responses yet, I can't believe how many of them are already outrageously and gratuitously vicious for no apparent reason -- it's like a feeding frenzy -- you'd be well advised to simply ignore such reactions. There is nothing inherently wrong with either FBs or FWBs -- the only relevant issue here is figuring out what kind of relationship you want and what might be best for you, and making sure that these two criteria more or less correspond well with each other.

The important lesson for you to learn here is that it's rather unreasonable to unilaterally try and change the already agreed upon terms of a relationship just because your feelings have changed. While there is nothing wrong with communicating your desire to steer a relationship in a different direction, you need to be willing to accept a refusal by the other person to do so. At that stage, the only logical and reasonable thing for you to do would be to walk away knowing that regardless of how things started out between the two of you, you're no longer on the same page and so you have no future together.

If you find yourself (prematurely) exiting a slew of relationships on a sour note, it's a sign that at least one of the two people involved is either a), not advertising their intentions properly, b) trying to deceive or manipulate the other, or c) has no idea what s/he wants.

Finally, it's perfectly fine in any kind of relationship framework to sleep with more than one person if you're practising safe sex and all of your partners are aware of what you're doing and have no objections.
 Phil_an_derer
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 13
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/5/2012 6:11:25 PM
I don't think you are ready to date ......anyone period.....you're bouncing of all four walls including the ceiling...
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 14
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/5/2012 7:13:19 PM
Yeah yeah yeah I know its a bad idea

I’m not so sure. Your’s had some pros and cons. You were ready to have a man, you found one, you got to discover and explore your sexuality in a regular relationship, spend time doing other things together. You loved being with him, and it lasted over a year.

You didn’t spend that time searching for a boyfriend or looking for sex or taking foolish chances with a variety of boys. And you weren’t sleeping alone or going bat-shyte squirelly on your own month after month.

You also didn’t have to deal with all the demands and difficulties of a committed relationship, you didn’t build up your expectations of walking down the aisle in a wedding dress and you didn’t have the searing pain of disappointment when those dreams didn’t come true. Not that those pains are entirely bad. Along with the pain comes some learning and wisdom.

What you did have was a relationship that was painful in its own way, one you wanted to leave but couldn’t, one that kept you waiting longer than you now wish you had, one that’s probably taught you some lessons and brought you some wisdom early in life.

But you don’t have to divorce him now after a dreary multi-year marriage, or raise children after separation, or survive bone-crushing debt, or disappoint your families, etc. So FWB giveth and FWB taketh away.

I definitely don’t think you were stupid to wait so long. You were hopeful and inexperienced, and you were learning. And you were getting some benefits along the way.

After a year of that though, I think you can feel secure in the knowledge that the relationship isn’t evolving into more. You waited long enough. You can close that door. You gave it every opportunity. You’re done.

Telling him not to text you is good, and not to reply if you text him. And finding other support for yourself, like a girlfriend you can call when you’re tempted to call him, would be very good. Getting a handle on your feelings is good.

Something to look forward to in a healthy relationship is mutual control – where you have equality in the relationship, a more even-handed approach to deciding where it’s going. I think that's something you can look forward to for next time. And having enough emotional strength within you to walk away when that’s the wisest thing to do.

Maybe that’s where you are now. Building enough mental and emotional strength to stay away, to choose wisely and take care of yourself. Doing yoga with women in your town might do good things for you. Some good company, care and pleasure for your body, a little structure, some gentle activity that promotes health and wisdom and doesn’t judge you along the way. You’re a beautiful woman. G’luck
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 15
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/5/2012 7:25:04 PM
all I can say is this is nothing more than Drama 101.......OP......you have a LOT to learn.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 16
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History
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/5/2012 8:40:27 PM
Thank you, mutedenthusiasm, for saving me a sh*tload of typing.

It doesn't sound like the OP has been being promiscuous, she admitted to sleeping with this one other guy( also a longtime acquaintance).

For those lashing out at the OP with dire predictions of STDS and unwanted pregnancy-I have got to ask...why are there some individuals that just can't believe that any other person on the planet has an ounce of commonsense and street smarts? This is a dating site for people over 18...why in the hell does every thread that touches on the topic of sexual intercourse have to become a freaking LECTURE about unwanted pregnancy and STDS? Don't you think that the average adult who has the competency to access the internet,also has an abundance of exposure to INFORMATION about safe sex practices?
Why don't we just adopt a policy here in the forums of promoting abstinence? If NOBODY is having sex, then nobody needs to get their buns in an uproar and lecture another adult about pregnancy and STDS, right?

I do agree, OP-despite the guys' mixed messages, I think you need to let this thing with him go. If it was meant to ever be more than FwB, it would at least be headed in that direction by now.
Chalk it up to a learning experience. I do agree that you need to work on forming better sexual ethics...don't go sleep with one guy because you are pissed at some other guy....
I'm all for sexual liberation but I do think that one is better served to have ONE sex partner at a time-and that goes for BOTH genders.
I don't insist that the framework of a committed LTR is the only "right "way to have sex-but I do believe that having multiple sexual partners is a prelude to drama and maybe even disaster.
Cindy O
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 17
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Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/5/2012 8:50:10 PM
You shouldn't have trusted your firsts with a man who knew from the get go he wasn't going to be that into you.

Find someone who appreciates what he has.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 18
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History
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/5/2012 11:47:41 PM

There is nothing inherently wrong with either FBs or FWBs --

Classic...
The deer being told by a hunter, " There is nothing inherently wrong with either rifles or shotguns "

Sorry as far as I see it... most guys are in FWB's or FB's to take advantage of naive women... Yes, there are a few, very few examples where the woman and the man both have their respective sh*t together and know what they want and respect each other... But hell, it does seems like the bulk of these are all about men getting laid and naive women getting laid and thinking they have a clue about what's really going on...
But Hell, if both people, regardless of level of naivete, are happy then go ahead...
 HeartOn64
Joined: 5/31/2012
Msg: 19
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/6/2012 3:54:14 AM

Well I met a man on this site a year and about 3 months ago. I was young, very ready to experience new things and very very ready to have a man.
We slept together at least once a month this past year, we would go out to the movies, I helped him move, I loved being with him but I kept my distance and kept my mouth shut because I knew what we were and I knew the boundaries.


No you didn't..Seems to me,you set up those boundaries to appease him and keep him around hoping things would change,and when they didn't,




I would get angry with him because of my feelings and beg him to let me go so that I could let him go but he insisted we keep seeing each other. I felt sick over the situation I had let myself get into and I told him and myself that the only reason he wanted me was because I was convenient, and that I liked him. He said he liked me too and that he liked being with me not becaue I was convenient. Each time he said he didnt want to lose my number because he wanted to keep seeing me even without the sex. (we got into these fights at least 3 times)


Now he was lying to keep you around for sex and you were falling for it.



He got angry with my for texting another guy (it was someone I had been talking to for a looong time. and the conversation we had contained sexual content) and said if I wanted to see him i couldnt sleep with anyone else. I told him it had to go both ways and he agreed.


I truly doubt he stuck to that game plan!He seems to have wanted to playthe field,but he expected you to prove your love for him by staying faithful to him.Talk about selfish.


I messed up and slept with that guy but didnt want to go any further even though the guy did because I still wanted my F-buddy. I told my F-buddy what I had done and he refused to see me for almost two weeks, then after we made plans to meet up he confessed to sleeping with a friend of his.


He had been doing that all along.It was only YOU that wasn't supposed to "cheat on him".

The two of you were F*ck BUDDIES.Not friends.You didn't mess up! You had carte blanche to sleep with whomever you wanted since he didn't want a committed relationship!The problem was that you were a virgin when this all began and fell in love with him,wanted a commitment,couldn't get one so you resorted to playing the game by his rules.



He used to text me every single night those first six or seven months. Then he would only text once every week or so.He would stay the night with me some nights and I would stay with him others.
Oh yeah and he was my first everything.... first person i ever talked to, first kiss, first person I ever held hands with, and first man I ever slept with.


He lead you on to thinking he wanted more so he could get in your pants and you fell for it hook line and sinker. :(

And that is where things got confused because if you were smart,you would have never gotten involved with someone of this nature and taken such a HUGE emotional risk as a virgin who wanted much more than a FB! Your own responsibility for settling,and then trying to change the situation knowing who and what he was about deep down.

So yes,you waited for nothing.


My question is, was I stupid to believe and wait for so long for him to commit to me? AND Do you think FWB relationships ever have a shot at evolving into more


You answered your own questions already.



Yeah yeah yeah I know its a bad idea, I know someone always falls for the other person and the other person just isnt into them beyond sex. I know I know I know. Especially now.


Live and learn.If you settle for casual sex,don't go expecting committed sex if you can't handle the emotional confusion and fall out.I learned virtually the same thing as a teen.I LOVED a guy who only saw me as a means to an end,sexually speaking and no matter how much I "proved my love" by giving him what HE wanted,he wasn't about to take me seriously or prove his love for me because I had settled for being his FB.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 20
view profile
History
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/6/2012 4:22:07 AM

Do you think FWB relationships ever have a shot at evolving into more?

No.


He got angry with my for texting another guy

Huh? How does he know you're in contact with another guy? Do you volunteer this info, or does he snoop through your phone?

The rest of your story vaguely hints that you're not happy with this situation, but you're not doing much, if anything, to stop it. It's not going to change into anything more meaningful, so you might just as well accept that. If you can't live with things staying the way they are, your only alternative is to end it and cut off all contact with this guy. That means you tell him it's over, and then you don't talk to him, don't see him, don't text him, and don't reply to his texts. If you keep having contact with him, you're just going to end up uncrossing your legs for him again.
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 21
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/6/2012 4:32:20 AM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Amen to that! I like the way you think!

OP.....cut the cord with this guy. Block any correspondence from him - texts, facebook emails, etc. and move on.

In the long run it will be so much better for you.
 jblack2000
Joined: 8/22/2008
Msg: 22
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/6/2012 5:40:42 AM
For those lashing out at the OP with dire predictions of STDS and unwanted pregnancy-I have got to ask...why are there some individuals that just can't believe that any other person on the planet has an ounce of commonsense and street smarts?


You obviously haven't lived in the South.......

 JustMary65
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/6/2012 5:53:24 AM
OP-

If a person isn't meeting your emotional needs---walk away. I foolishly dated a man....we split...then I went back to him thinking he wanted to be with me romantically ( it's amazing what your mind will fool you into really believing).

Needless to say, he and I did this 'FWB' thing for close to 8 yrs. I stayed because I loved him...he stayed because of sexual chemistry. I wish that when we split the first time I never went back. Yes, we did a lot of things that typical couples do, but the emotional toll it took on me was too much. When we were together he was charming, romantic and extremely loving. When we were apart he was like a different man.

I could see myself in your original statement----it's only advice, but walk away and don't look back. You need to find someone who can commit to you emotionally first then let the rest fall into place. There are no guarantees in any relationship--even a friendship, but I can say for certain none of my true friends have ever hurt or disappointed me as much as my ex lover.

In the end that is all he was....my lover. If he was truly my friend and I his....we wouldn't have done what we did to each other. We might not have started off as 'FWB' but that is where it ended. I still love him, but I'm much happier without him entangled in my life. I allowed this toxic relationship to linger that was a mistake I hope to never find myself subjected to again.

Trouble is most women are driven by emotion---it's hard to shake that feeling when you have been intimate with a man you love. The more I've seen as I've gotten older is some women trying to behave like men only to find themselves left feeling bitter and scorned for trying to keep up with their male counterparts. Not all men want casual relationships, so be choosey in who you give your heart to, but more importantly your body.

Best of luck to you.

MM
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 24
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/6/2012 6:33:26 AM
Allow me to deconstruct:


I loved being with him but I kept my distance and kept my mouth shut because I knew what we were and I knew the boundaries.

... is in direct opposition to the thing you said next, and I quote....

I would get angry with him because of my feelings and beg him to let me go so that I could let him go but he insisted we keep seeing each other.


my god what the hell is wrong with your boundaries? get some and stop avoiding responsibility because *you* kept moving them around.


He got angry with my for texting another guy....
I messed up and slept with that guy

I'm gonna disagree and say that you knew exactly what you were doing. not only that, you went out of your way to make sure he knew about it.... "you still wanted your F-buddy." so not only were you being devious, you used that other guy in the hope of getting things your own way, but it backfired. manipulating people always does, eventually.....


and first man I ever slept with...

you screwed that up nicely, pardon the pun. how about taking a break from the passive aggression and sportfukking, and work on getting some integrity. that way, next time you'll be in a position to make smarter choices.


AND Do you think FWB relationships ever have a shot at evolving into more?

that sorta depends on how each person is defining "friends" in their own mind and how their minds might change over time... people can & do change their minds. *BUT* based the standard connotation of the phrase and how it usually happens???? ---> no. non. nein. nunca. nyet.

think about it... if you're willing to accept "FWB", then that's an arrangement where the limits are already defined. FWB is close-ended.... here is where it ends.... "friends"..... with "benefits". you already knew. if you both wanted more, then it wouldn't be like trying to do an end-run around FWB. so why would you sit around hoping for some guy you're having casual sex with to open up and start getting emotionally vested in you???? sure he'll keep accepting whatever sex you're willing to offer... why wouldn't he? it's like free pizza & beer.... welcome to the party, open sesame!! nobody makes a long-term investment in having a short-term good time. so you loaned yourself out for a carnival ride going nowhere. you want more than that? sorry, it's not available here, and you set set yourself up to lose. how does that make you feel, pretty foolish? well i hope at least the sex was good.

if one aspires to having an original Matisse, one does not go shopping for it at yard sales.....
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Friends with Benefits
Posted: 10/6/2012 7:03:40 AM

For those lashing out at the OP with dire predictions of STDS and unwanted pregnancy-I have got to ask...why are there some individuals that just can't believe that any other person on the planet has an ounce of commonsense and street smarts?

Ummm perhaps the sheer numbers of new STD infections every year might be part of the reason...
That being said, last I looked "commonsense" and "street smarts" aren't on the CDC list of preventative tips either....
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